SIL angry I won't be their surrogate - how to handle?

[MinnieM1]

Bit of back story - my brother and his wife have been together as long as I've been with my DP (7 years) literally met within months of each other. DP & I have 2 DC's, Brother & SIL have none but have been trying since they met. They are now desperate for a baby and have pretty much given up getting pregnant themselves and came round a few days ago to ask me if I would consider being a surrogate for them. His sperm, her egg and I would purely be the womb - very Phoebe from friends.
I thought for a day or 2 and discussed with DP but have since told them I won't do it.
My reasons -

1. I'm not great at being pregnant, always have health issues, 1st pregnancy I was very anaemic and had 2 blood transfusions and had morning sickness for the whole 9 months, in my 2nd pregnancy I had low blood pressure and kept fainting, 3rd pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage) I had HG and was hospitalised 4 times in 11 weeks
   

Which brings me to my 2nd point in that I had a miscarriage in September and just don't feel that emotionally I could deal with another pregnancy, particularly one that wouldn't even result in a baby for me! I'm scared I would grieve for losing a baby all over again.

1. I almost died giving birth to DD, my second child, so would be considered a high risk pregnancy and would be terrified of something happening again
   

So after discussing all of the above it just wouldn't be fair to my family if something happened or if I was ill for 9 months, what about my own children?
So I said no to my brother, he accepted it and I thought all was fine until I heard that my SIL was (drunkenly) being quite nasty about it. She was apparently saying the only reason I won't do it is because if they have a baby all the attention won't be on me and my children anymore! I mean what the actual fuck!?!
So to the point of my post, Should I confront her and tell her that I'm really upset by her comments and that she's asking something HUGE of me and I'm well within my own rights to say no and she's being a bit of an arse?! Or just let it go? WWYD?

...sorry for mammoth post by the way!

[worserevived]

In your situation I'd say no too. Physically and mentally it would be too big a burden. I think it was a little unfair of them to even ask, although I imagine they are desperate and not thinking rationally.

Infertility can drive people to the edge, so I can understand why your SIL is lashing out. I wouldn't confront her though. I'd probably mention to DB you are hurt by her comments and leave it at that.

[Reekypear]

Wtf.

I had years of infertility, never once did I ask someone to have a baby for.

Infertility does not make you loopy, nor is it an excuse for being an entitled bitch.

[Cabrinha]

I think the most unkind person here was your so called friend.

Sounds like she lashed out, drunkenly, in a whole world of pain (and yeah, ugly jealousy) to a friend.

Who ran straight off to you, enjoying the gossip and hurting you too and if you say anything, your SIL too.

Slow hand clap for your friend.

I found out about a missed mc at my first scan the day the McCann story broke. You don't want to know the vile angry things I shouted at the TV, torn apart by grief. I am ashamed of that brief outburst now. But - I'm a good person. Who was angry and devastated.

I say let sleeping dogs lie.
And reconsider how much of a friend this guy is.

[confuddledDOTcom]

slithy, my daughter was born at 20 weeks, size of a Barbie doll, 320g (look at the size of the block of cheese in your fridge) her eyes were still fused, her lungs not capable of making the breath for sound. We spent three hours watching her stop living. Her only life support, my body, removed from her. No medical attention. No gasps for breath. Just a strong body failed by the mothers weak one, slowly giving up. It was simultaneously the most miraculous experience that I'd never have not experienced and the worst thing ever. Having miscarried before and had four pretermers, having my baby arrest in my arms, I don't know the answer.

[confuddledDOTcom]

I do know the answer each grief is different.

After my eldest LC I suffered with Birth Trauma (PTSD basically) and believed she was dead and been replaced, that was probably the hardest grief but not sure if it was the grief of her dying or the BT that did it.

[mathanxiety]

The person who ran to you with this story is not your friend. I would consider dropping him altogether from your life.

Forgive and forget with your SIL. She was drunk and desperation for a baby can do funny things to you. But there is no excuse for the 'friend'.

[HumblePieMonster]

confuddled

[HexBramble]

confuddled my heart broke a bit when I read your post.

OP, you are right to decline.
Your SIL is grieving and lashing out. Her disappointment must be crushing.
The person who told you is either thick as pig shit, or neither of your friends.

[MrsGuyofGisborne]

I don't think confronting either of them is the way to handle this. Your decision is absolutely correct and doesn't need defending. But she is obviously utterly desperate and whilst as one post said "drunken words = sober thoughts" it doesn't mean that her thoughts are rational at the moment maybe your mutual friend should have kept his mouth shut... Be kind to your brother and to SIL - this is absolutely about her and their irrational request to you shows how desperate she is. She was lashing out- Give them tiMe space and support but don't get in their faces over this.

[LuluJakey1]

I think your 'friend' is the question here. Gossip never helps and he/ she is gossiping and causing trouble in a difficult situation. This quote sums it up.

[Inkspellme]

I too think your friend should have said nothing. what benefit is telling you to anyone?

As another poster has said - why not meet your sil and explain how you were simply unable to do this as it would place you in a serious risk healthwise. If she says the same things sober to your face that she has said when she is drunk and upset then is the time to gently explain that this isn't the case.

[2rebecca]

Being a surrogate is a huge thing to do. The fact that she got so nasty afterwards is a sign you made the correct decision. Also with relationships ending with an SIL there is the chance of you seeing very little of the baby afterwards where as if you were surrogate to your own sister its less likely you'd lose the link.
I would say nothing for now to her and wait for her to calm down. I agree with others that your friend was not being much of a friend when she told you your SIL was unhappy.

[notinagreatplace]

Unless she keeps doing this, I really would just let it go.

As someone who is infertile, lost a baby this year, and surrounded by family members having babies all the time, it is really hard. I do feel like family events are all about my SIL and BIL's children and I look into the future and I just see that continuing. It is fucking depressing.

I do try only to rant to my DH about it and I know he doesn't pass it on but, if I did lose control and rant to someone who knew my family member, I would hope that a) they wouldn't pass it on and b) if they did, that my family member would be kind about it if it were a one-off.

[dreamcometrue]

Reeky how do you know it doesn't? It caused me to be on antidepressants and have counselling. Things affect everyone differently.

[Notagainmun]

I can understand the sadness and desperation your SIL is feeling but being a surrogate should come about from an offer not a request unless it is through an agency.

[Cabrinha]

Lulu that is an excellent picture.

[Micah]

Does she and/or your brother also have any ideas of the risks to their baby?

You have a history of miscarriage and will be a high risk pregnancy. They presumably will be paying several thousand pounds for ivf prior to implantation in a surrogate.

Plus all the issues your sil will go through for egg collection etc.

Do they really want to go through all that then implant their embryo (and no way could they implant twin embryos in an attempt for a higher success rate) in a surrogate with serious health issues that could well risk the baby or its health?

Maybe point that out to your bro too, and suggest a volunteer surrogate with a history of easy birth is a far better choice.

[MinnieM1]

Oh Confuddled that made me cry, I'm so sorry for your loss
Thank you all for your input it has been so so helpful to have some first hand advice an well any advice atall really, I haven't spoken to DP about it because I know he would say something, he's really angry that they even asked me tbh so I know he'd flip his lid over this.
And I never even thought about our friends role in this, but yes you're all right, she obviously thought she could trust the people she was around and he came running back to me telling tales, how do I know he's not done that to me too? I will be distancing him slightly I think and being very careful what I say around him.
I think I'm just going to let this one go now, she was drunk she's grieving, she was a bitch, I think given her circumstances he deserves to be a bitch right now. She's going through a different kind of grief than I will ever know so I can't really judge her on it, anger is a perfectly normal stage. I know when I lost my baby I was angry at everyone, I ended up having an operation I remove it as I wasn't passing it and I was so angry at the surgeon, I felt violated by the whole thing, like I went to sleep pregnant and woke up not and I honestly felt like he'd robbed me of my baby. Totally unreasonable and misplaced feelings, but I was grieving and that's what happens. So I will let her have this one.
I think once the dust has settled a little bit if I feel the need to really go into my reasons (I was possibly a little bit vague with them) then I will but if not then I'll just draw a line under this and I will be passing on the organisations some of you have suggested.
Some of you have asked why they can't have IVF and other things and honestly, I don't know. I don't know the ins and outs of their fertility issues and I honestly couldn't tell you what the exact problem is sorry.
There are some very sad stories on here and I appreciate you all sharing and I'm so sorry for each of your losses (and sorry for how patronising that sounded!)
If I hadn't have asked here I would have said something to them and made a horrible situation so much worse so thank you all so much for talking me down, you've been so helpful

[MinnieM1]

Micah you're right I'm not the person to do it atall, I think in their wads it would all be idealistic having me do it, they could be around whenever, they feel comfortable with me to ask questions, they could run my belly, come to scans and me and my niece/nephew would have a really close bond. But I don't think they've actually thought of the practicalities and are desperately clutching at straws.
I hope they come round to see that it wouldn't have worked and I will try to point them in more suitable directions now.

[MinnieM1]

Wads? Heads!

[KittiesInsane]

Oh Minnie, you sound an absolute darling. Your brother and SIL are lucky to have you in their lives.

[Phineyj]

You sound lovely. Your mutual friend does not - he has made a difficult, painful situation worse for no good reason. Definitely beware of him from now on.

[MinnieM1]

Oh thank you Kitties & Phiney

[holeinmyheart]

I agree that what your said SIL was mean. However I would blame the
messenger entirely. He knew what he heard was said behind your back. He also knew that it would hurt you.
If we all heard what was said behind our back we would be perpetually at war.
Please forgive your SIL, as after all you didn't actually hear what she said yourself and you like her.
I hate people who repeat things to me that are not meant for my ears. They are the evil ones.
I love my friends and sometimes I hear mean things about them. I NEVER repeat them, as what is the point?
You are utterly right to say NO to surrogacy but your SIL is desperate and when we are desperate and unhappy, we get things out of proportion.
Shoot the wicked messenger as he harmed both of you.

[Mammanat222]

Is there any reason why they asked you?

Other than you have children? Have you ever expressed any desire to "help" them?

If not then it seems an odd request to begin with.

If you decide to go down that path surely you don't just ask the first person you think of who has kids??