Tell me about your WORST break up; how you reacted; how insane you were etc

[innerstrength100]

Very recent hideous and heartrbreaking break up. Will not go into details here; but it is currently helping me hearing other people's stories of their worst ever break up. So. Please tell about your WORST ever, including:

1. How you felt and how you reacted, including any insane or random actions you took; how you behaved in the weeks following, both when you were alone and when you were with other people.
   

1. What helped? What didn't help?
   

1. How long before you felt you had properly recovered?

[something2say]

I think my first major break up was the worst.

He was absolutely gorgeous. I knew I'd never keep him.

When he got bored and said he'd had enough of us, I was just utterly despairing. I couldn't stay in the house. It was May. I used to go home from work, change, and get out across the fields. It was like I needed the big space of the open air to contain the pain. Was horrible to him when he rang periodically to say hello. I never saw him again.

Now I look back and see that he was the last boyfriend I haf where I wasn't really serious about him. We'd just never have worked long term. I was a working girl, liked reading, liked music. He was been a DJ, never had a job, lived off women. I didn't have a family to take a boyfriend home to, but if I had, I didn't feel I could have taken him home. He wasn't had to me or anything, just not right. Utterly broke my heart when it ended.

The rest of them, I've been the one to end it.

Currently with a lovely man though. Lovely.

Hoping the op feels better soon.

What I would advise now, looking back, is to try to behave in a manner that you will feel proud of when you look back. Try to step away, hold your dignity and bear the pain. All women have their hearts broken one time or another. X

[mooth]

I don't know about behaving in a manner you feel proud of - things happen, you deal with them the best you can. There's nothing wrong with failure. But it's worth remembering that you can survive pain, you can survive loneliness, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it won't kill you. And one day, that will change.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I was 21. We'd been together 3 years. He dumped me when we were still at uni. I went back to my student bedroom and took paracetamol and Jack Daniel's. Then realised (I don't know how or why) that this wasn't worth dying over, made myself vomit, and somehow got through the next day, and the next, and the next.

Funny how even being dumped by my DH (and father of my DC) didn't hurt that much. Maybe the first cut really is the deepest.

What helped:

1. friends. Having a rotation so you don't bore the same one every night rehashing every moment of the relationship.
   

1. Anti depressants. Serotonin actually cancels out dopamine (or something like that); basically, you feel less romantic love. It worked.
   

1. No contact. Definitely.
   

1. Losing all hope that the relationship will restart. You have to jettison ALL hope that you'll get back together. Then you recover soooo much faster.
   

1. Change. Crossing water. New faces. Novelty. Change change change.

[Secretblackandmidnighthag]

I went to Outer Mongolia for a month. Not even kidding.

[MeganBaconStuffing]

Don't want to post details for fear of outing myself but the circumstances were particularly awful - had spent three years continuously pregnant (miscarriages) and he slunk off out of the blue making up rubbish excuses that made no sense until his friend took pity on me a few weeks later and told me about all the other women he had on the go. He moved into the flat next door to me and was bringing different women home every night a week after we split. It was hellish.
I hid in my flat in pitch dark and absolute silence night after night trying to understand how I had got it all wrong and tiptoeing around so he didn't know I was home and couldn't take pleasure from flaunting his new life just yards away from me. Four months later (still in sensory deprivation) I broke and rang him from the Sainsbury's carpark on bonfire night and just howled. I felt unfit to inflict myself on the public so spent about a year in self-imposed solitary confinement, just going to work though. But that was the right way for me - I emerged like a butterfly out of a chrysalis eventually, all rebuilt and put back together! Now I am embarrassed that I ever went out with him.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh mooth thanks

I agree. I did things I'm not proud of. But at the end of the day I did what I did. It is what it is. And I'm not going to beat myself up about a few minor misdemeanors after the spectacular pile of shit he served up to me

I think we always beat ourselves up but really, you do what you have to do when the night is darkest

[mooth]

Absolutely, you do what have to do. And you learn something from it. And it really does get better, one day.

[innerstrength100]

Yes; totally agree that you have to do what you have to do. How you feel is how you feel when you are right in it, as I am.

Also totally agree with Whatsgoingoneh that change change is good. That will be my next step, to try and start doing new things.

And your point about needing to get rid of ALL hope regarding the relationship - you are also right there; much as hope is a positive thing, in this scenario it is what kills you. My split was ultra messy, because we had a semi ending a couple of months ago, then weeks and weeks of mixed messages from him and me in horrible horrible limbo until finally only a few days ago it was made clear it was absolutely and completely over. And here I am now. The last few weeks of uncertainty where there was still a shred of hope nearly killed me.

[Lambzig]

ExH of three years (who in hindsight was extremely EA) left one day when I was out with a friend. He trashed the house, spray painted abuse on all the walls (do you know how many coats of dove grey it takes to cover gold spray paint?). Ripped all my clothes up, put cat litter in our bed, defaced every photo of me. I still don't know why to this day. He made up some story about me having an affair which completely wasn't true and banned his family from speaking to me. We never, ever spoke again.

We had just moved back from living overseas and I had no job/ few friends. It wasn't an easy time, I went a bit mad, crying in supermarkets, obsessive gym going, trying to call him at work.

I managed to get a very well paid job, but swiftly embarked on a not very sensible relationship with a bit of an unsuitable man (which was fun, but long term didn't help with the self esteem). It was only when I met DH a couple of years later that I really got my act together.

I think it took longer to get over as I never understood why. However, ilook back on it now and am so glad that we aren't together.

[LooksLikeRainDear]

I'm kind of envious of those of you that met decent stable normal men in the aftermath.............. I met an abusive man. Escaped now, but I feel the legacy of that tosser dumping me with a character assassination still. I'm content now as a single parent, but I do connect the original dumping to my circumstances now (in a chain but still)

[mooth]

I am in a happy marriage now, yes, but I managed to fit in a silly pointless marriage in the aftermath of my breakup from the man I believed to be The One. So it's taken a few years and several thousand pounds and a bit of soul searching!

[Fontella]

I'm not going to go into the details of mine because it was a long time ago, I was 17, he was fucking gorgeous, it was (mostly) my fault and I behaved like a fool in the aftermath. But I played this on repeat on my old Decca record player in the bedroom I shared with my 14 year old sister, and I cried and I wailed and I've never hurt so much in my life. It hits the nail on the head better than any 'break up' song I've ever heard in all the years that have passed since then.

Joan Armatrading

Down to Zero

Oh the feeling, when you're reeling
You step lightly thinking you're number one
Down to zero with a word
Leaving, for another one
Now you walk with your feet back on the ground
Down to the ground, Down to the ground

Brand new dandy, first class scene stealer
Walks through the crowd and takes your man
Sends you rushing to the mirror
Brush your eyebrows and say
There's more beauty in you than anyone

Oh remember who walked the warm sands beside you
Moored to your heel, let the waves come a rushing in
She'll take the worry from your head
But then again, she put trouble in your heart instead
Then you'll fall
Down to the ground, Down to the ground

You'll know heartache, still more crying
When you're thinking of your mother's only son
Take to your bed, you say there's peace in sleep
But you'll dream of love instead

Oh the heartache you'll find
Can bring more pain than a blistering sun
But oh when you fall
Oh when you fall
Fall at my door...

[Volley2014]

First boyfriend moved away out of the blue and stopped speaking to me overnight. It was a total shock. We'd been together four years and I had lost my virginity to him. The lack of closure made me call him up to 15 times and leave 15 messages on a night where I'd get really upset and not know what was going on. I took some of his possessions (hi-fi system, books, records etc) and publicly smashed them to pieces on the street (people thought I was a mad woman.)

I started having a bit of casual sex with male friends who were trying to "comfort" me. I was completely reckless with contraception and keeping track of who I had, had sex with and who I hadn't.

I once spotted my ex on the street (a year after) and walked up to him and slapped him.

I experienced such low levels of self esteem and sadness that I started doing a lot of charity work, but I let my boundaries down too far. I ended up staying with complete strangers in their sheltered housing and cooking them all meals, taking them to the loo etc, convincing myself I was mother teresa, when in fact I was just looking for another co-dependent dynamic.

Like one of the previous posters I couldn't be in enclosed spaces. I had to get out into fields every day to scream and bang the earth.

[Dowser]

I never cried so much in all my life.

I really knew the meaning of heartbreak.

I must have cried every day for months. It was endless. On and on and on.

I cried for England.

My friends were amazing ;-)

[Liketeenme]

Like some have said above, my first one.

I was 17, he'd been one of my best friends through all senior school, then the Halloween school disco of our final year he made a move I was pleasantly surprised. We starting going out,it was fabulous, he'd been a great friend and was now a great boyfriend.
Even though we were young and as it happens not together very long, because we'd been so close it felt like we'd been together forever.

All my friends were envious. Us being friends as well as boy/girl friend, we were seen as being very grown up. Ha!

Seriously though, even our parents thought we were a long term thing. No pressure from them, I only found that out years later.

We had a lovely Dec 23rd together, he and his family went to visit family in the UK for 7 days, back on NYE morning, plan being he'd pick me up at 8:00 for friends New Years Eve Party.

8 came and went, 9 came and went 9:30, I'm frantic, he calls 'it's over' me: what's over what? We're over I don't want to see you again, and hung up.

I'm convinced he's lost the plot, go looking for him (small town) find him outside the party we were meant to be going to. He tells me to fuck off, he hates me, walks off

He never spoke to me again.

We went from speaking constantly to nothing.

At first I assumed that what ever had happened it would blow over once we started back to school seeing each other every day it would all be sorted out.

It didn't he blanked me, I managed a week and then I broke, I spent a week in bed ( my parents were not the type, oh you have a sniffle stay home, they were more the your leg will still be broken after school, we'll go to the hospital then ) so I must have been bad. The next month I spend at least one period a day in the guidance counsellor office, sobbing.

I lost well over half my friends, apparently he been nuts about me since first year, I didn't know, honestly, so their thoughts were there was no way he'd have just dumped me, I HAD to have done something.

Then the gossip started, I cheated on him, someone asked him outright, and he said no, I'd never do that.
That was the oddest thing, he still wouldn't hear a bad word against me. So the gossip got more and more extreme. And he always defended me, which seemed to give even more fuel to the gossip.

I'd had an abortion, rural Ireland, in the mid 80s. . .never mind that even if I'd slept with him on Halloween, I could have been only 6-8 weeks, barely long enough to realise I was pregnant, never mind be able to arrange an abortion, travel to UK, have an abortion all while never leaving town. . I'd been pregnant by someone else and when he refused to cover for me I'd aborted. See above. There was the speculation about who this mythical father could be. . .

I only heard most of this years later, I spent the following 6 months in a daze.

While I didn't fail my exams, I didn't get the grades I should have, 'everyone' agreed that maybe I should have a year out.

I did a year of volunteer work, ended up in a job that I never would have considered, but loved. Didn't get to uni till I was in my 30's

Hand on heart though I have never fully trusted another person since, I've been with DP, for over 10 years and 0.00001% of me is still waiting for him to screw me over. There are very few people that I'm still in touch with from my school days, I learnt that people prefer a good story to the truth.

I know reading this it might sound a bit teenage dramatic, I am one of the least drama lama type of person ever and was the same as a kid. While our 'romantic' relationship was silly short, we'd been joined at the hip for nearly 6 years. We were in and out of each other houses constantly. I didn't just lose a boyfriend, I lost one of my best friends, I was close to his Mum and sister, I couldn't cope with being around them.

Looking back I now wonder if something happened to him in those few days away. It was such a sudden turn, he'd called me on the 29th and all was great. The fact that he wouldn't hear a bad word said against me. All very odd.

It took me at least 2 years to even look at a man even as a friend, I think long term that's whats affected me the most. And then I so distrusted people I drove a lot of nice/ good people away.

I had several very bad relationships, and then met DP.


He's a good man and I trust him 99:99998%. . .

And I still don't like New Years Eve.


Sorry I don't think this is quite what you were wanting.

[ocelot41]

Selling dubious woo services to vulnetable people alert! MNHQ where have you hidden the report a post button on the new mobile platform?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Hi inner I hope you got some sleep last night

I think we spoke about hope on your last thread. I think I said that until you gave up the last glimmer of hope, you wouldn't be able move forward.

I'm so so sorry that that last bit of hope has been extinguished (I bet I can guess how that happened!). It hurts to fuckery. It really does. But now you've been to the bottom you can start swimming back up towards the surface and the light

[thatwaseasy]

It was me who broke up with him but as he'd basically made things utterly untenable between us, he might as well have been the one to do it.

He was EA, controlling, gaslighting, spiteful, jealous and just basically a total cunt. To everyone else, he was charming, witty and gorgeous, but I ended up a basket case after two years with him. I went from a strong, independent and confident woman to being suicidal, drinking and being treated for severe depression. I'd never experienced a relationship with someone like that and I thought I was going mad - I just didn't understand what was happening. That was a few years ago and I still haven't quite got over it. I'm not the same person I was and it makes me sad that a man was the cause of that.

I thought I was going to die at the time, I'd hit rock bottom. I cried all the time, couldn't get out of bed and just thought I was worthless. After a few months, he contacted me wanting to be friends. I wrote a long and vitriolic email explaining what he'd done to me. Then I deleted it and never responded which I think was reply enough.

[minmooch]

My worst was with my second husband. Married 5 years, ttc, two beautiful DS's from my first marriage. My eldest DS gets diagnosed with terminal cancer just before he turned 16. I come home one night for some sleep (living in hospital with my eldest) and the now exH says he doesn't want anything to do with 'it' ie the cancer, the illness, my other son, me. He can't offer emotional nor physical support and resents the financial implications of me living in hospital and not working! I have never known love to die so very quickly and be replaced with anger and disgust that one human being could be so cruel to another going through such terrible heartache. I left him and had 18 months in my new home with my sons before my eldest died. He tried to turn up at my sons funeral but he hid behind a van when he knew I had spotted him, he was told not to enter the cathedral. I never spoke to exH again apart from one occasion when I bumped into him and another woman dog walking. I told him what a Lilly livered coward he was with the emotional intelligence of a gnat. I advised the woman to stay clear of him. Even my dog, whom we had had when we were married growled at him! I got over him the moment he uttered those words of not wanting to be part of 'it'. I did not give him one second of my time as I had far more important things to do - looking after my sons. But I would not piss on him if he were on fire in front of me and I will never forgive him.

I probably shouldn't post the above but it's quite cathartic to get it out!

[gemdrop84]

Had been together 10 months, 1st month very charming, other 9 not so, sulked and interrogated me if I went out with male friends, didn't like the way I dressed, interrogated me at my family gatherings about the amount of people I'd slept with and said I was disgusting for having casual sex, made massive scene about it, would come round mine with massive bunch of flowers or some extravagant gift which was more for show to my housemates than thought iyswim. Ended up with him saying I needed to meet someone else, he had issues and wanted a break, not sure how long for but no contact was one of his terms. I cried a lot that day but came to terms with it, only to have him constantly txt me everyday telling me he missed me, he loved me, let's make it work, move in together bla bla. We finally met up again a month later as he wanted, he came to my house and basically said you're dumped! I felt broken, so so led on, and I threw him out. He ended up crying in front of my housemates. I hated him, we ended up having sex the next day and after he got dressed I said I never wanted to speak to/ see him again. He was desperate to be friends but I needed to cut him out my life. He eroded my self esteem over that short time. A year later I met Dh and I haven't looked back. It's been a real eye opener regarding what a healthy relationship should be. Ex dp actually emailed me only a few years ago on my birthday wishing me a great day and wanting to know how I was. I felt physically ill reading that email it dredged up too many bad times for me.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Liketeenme what an awful, baffling, head-fuck that mustve been! Did you EVER find out what caused his turnaround?? It's so weird! Can you ask him now? Something must've happened, but what?

[gemdrop84]

Sorry that was quite the essay, what helped was cutting him out, my friends and family and being kind to myself. I sold everything he bought me and had a good day shopping, having my hair cut (he liked my hair long and loose) hair colour and a lot of drinks with my male friends! I felt so free!