Tell me about your WORST break up; how you reacted; how insane you were etc

[innerstrength100]

Very recent hideous and heartrbreaking break up. Will not go into details here; but it is currently helping me hearing other people's stories of their worst ever break up. So. Please tell about your WORST ever, including:

1. How you felt and how you reacted, including any insane or random actions you took; how you behaved in the weeks following, both when you were alone and when you were with other people.
   

1. What helped? What didn't help?
   

1. How long before you felt you had properly recovered?

[innerstrength100]

So sorry Pandora. Good idea to make a clean break. You need to do what is right for you.

Wish there was a recipe for how to move to a pain free place quickly. It is unbelievable how out of your mind you feel, how insane, how deep it is, and how long and difficult it can be to recover - that really comes across hearing these stories.

[ocelot41]

vtra
Madness entirely understandable in the circumstances....

Pandora. I feel for you. A friend of mine's not so DH was jailed for child abuse. She was, of course, HORRIFIED on so many different levels. She tortured herself for ages: how could she not have known? You mean he was sleeping with her and abusing children during the same period in his life? Had he ever used her to gain access to a child? Was there anything she could have done to stop him if she had known? Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Lots of previous friends also assumed that she must have turned a blind eye or helped him in some way. She moved to another part of the country and changed her name.

It is AWFUL when someone you love turns out not to be the man you thought they were, but a million times worse if this has involved an actual crime against you or another person. And kids? Jesus wept... the pain the poor woman went through.

[vrtra]

I've posted here a few times, but he booked a viewing for a house, we were meant to be moving in together after some years... Then dumped me outside the door afterwards. Left my stuff in bin bags outside his door. It's not been that long, I still have a good healthy slap stored up in case I see his sad little face. .

Have gone a bit mad tbh.

[Pandora37]

Mine was this year so not properly recovered but my ex was arrested for something very bad. I did go quite demented afterwards. I cried non-stop for 2 weeks, couldn't sleep and when I did I had nightmares about what he'd done. I was nearly sick a few times and was shaking a lot. Someone told me I sounded like I was suffering from post-traumatic stress. I've also never felt such intense hatred for someone before, yet still loved them at the same time. That was very confusing. I wished so badly that he'd cheated on me instead, something I never thought I'd be doing. I still wish that he'd cheated on me 100 times if it meant he hadn't done what he did.

What helped was talking about it to people who'd been through the same thing, or people who were impartial and weren't going to judge me. I'm not normally one to open up, but I desperately needed to talk about it. Also, anti-depressants. They helped me see my life wasn't over and I can be brave enough to start again and have a fulfilling life without him. What didn't help was my family. They meant well but they had a different opinion to me on what happened and they drove me mad in the end so I had to distance myself from them for a while.

I think the huge betrayal of trust and feeling like I never really knew him will stay with me for a long time. I wanted to move away after this happened, I haven't been in a position to yet but I still want to. I need a clean break, somewhere where I'm not going to be able to bump into his friends or family. Plus I don't want to be around when it goes to court, I think reading about it and people we know talking about it will tear me apart.

I advise spending lots of time with friends, ideally with people who have been through the same thing. My friends were well meaning saying things like at least this happened before we were married which is true but didn't really help me. They just didn't "get" it like people who have been through the same thing did. I hope you feel better soon.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Anti-depressants really work, and quickly. Can you ask your GP? Even a very low dose will do the trick.

[loveareadingthanks]

It'll be up and down for a while. You'll feel a bit better, then it'll hit you again, be prepared for that. But eventually over time you'll get over it.

Here I am 2 and a bit years later with a new partner who is so lovely and a million times happier than I ever was with dickhead ex. Have hope and look to building your new future.

Eat well. Sleep when you can. Be kind to yourself. Lean on friends and family.

[innerstrength100]

yes, Bitoutofpractice - I am at the absolute bottom right now. So the only way is up. I want to get back up fast though, and it seems there is no fast when you are here.

[Lottapianos]

God almighty, some of you have been through utter hell. This is seriously traumatic stuff. Being cheated on, having partners ditch you for no reason whatsoever, disappearing off the face of the earth....

Anyone who is even vaguely considering cheating on their partner should be made to read this thread 100 times

for everyone on here

[whitecandles]

I have borderline personality disorder, so it's safe to say that ANY breakup will make me lose the plot, but the worst one was my first boyfriend. We'd been together 5 years, I was 21, and (yes I know) I was cheating on him. Not at all proud of my behaviour, but I have sorted myself out now and would not do such a shitty things again. He found out by hacking my emails and found an email to my best friend about the affair I was having. (Looking back, the boyfriend was a controlling arse, but still, didn't deserve me cheating on him, obv.)

1. How you felt and how you reacted, including any insane or random actions you took; how you behaved in the weeks following, both when you were alone and when you were with other people.
   

I fucking lost it. I started suffering from depersonalisation as soon as it happened and it was just awful. I begged him to take me back, I lost tons of weight, tried to kill myself and missed a final exam, resulting in me getting a 2.2 instead of the 2.1 I was desperate for. I moved abroad to try to get away from my feelings, but obviously it didn't really work. I had total depersonalisation for about a month (totally numb, didn't feel real) and it's been intermittent ever since tbh. This was 10 years ago, and I think I still feel to effects of that, cos it was such a massive shock. The thing is that literally a week later we found out my brother had cancer, so that just fucked me up even more.

1. What helped? What didn't help?
   

Friends being nice helped. That was the best thing I think. And moving abroad at least took my mind off it. Bit drastic though. Starving myself and not sleeping did not help one bit.

1. How long before you felt you had properly recovered?
   

At least a year, but obviously that was compounded by mental health problems and my brother's illness.

[DuchessOfNorks]

It was incredibly devastating. I will never forget it.

He was beautiful. Truly beautiful. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was my absolute everything, but he was terribly insecure.

He never told me why he broke up with me. I remember it so well, so vividly. The way I felt and the look on his face as he left.

The day I lost my dignity was in the same week he had mentioned getting a place together. He came to mine and was meant to be staying over. I'd bought wine, lit candles and turned my shoddy, dirty, old fashioned bedsit into a complete, romantic dream. I'd even repainted and had the landlord replace the carpet. It was perfect.

He came in and sat down. I don't know if he was behaving strangely when he got there or not. I was too busy getting ready to, after nearly a year together, finally tell him that I was in love with him. It wasn't until I shut my face and actually looked at him I realised something was wrong. He was staring at my hand and stroking it. I had a beautiful, deep red nail varnish on. I remember it because it makes me feel sick to see it to this day. I asked him if he was OK. He refused to answer and the realisation that he was ending it hit me.

I was floored, literally. He got up to leave and I held on to him. He had to drag himself away. I clung onto his leg. He had to push me back through the door, rather forcefully, into my house.

I lost myself for the next 3 years. It took therapy and a lot of medication to get myself back.

He never actually said the words "I am leaving you". I asked him a few weeks later to give me closure and he refused.

I hope you are okay OP. My best advice would be to go with it, but surround yourself with people.

[ocelot41]

Lambzig what a loon....

Lookslikerain..I am so sorry to hear that. I agree that it can take a while (and possibly some counselling) to reset your inner compass so you don't keep trying to 'fix' what happened by seeking men who will treat you equally badly (or worse). If it is any consolation, I spent the first year if dating my now v DH wondering if he was really my 'type'. There just werent the mega fireworks you know? Them I realised that that contentment and quietness is what happiness looks like. No drama! Good luck with finding it, it gets harder and harder the more messed up men you encounter.

[ocelot41]

Minmooch

[Dowser]

So sorry to hear that min mooch .what an arsehole!

I think he wins the absolute wanker award.

[freshlysharpenedpencils]

Worst break-up : bf of over a year I was living with and convinced we would be married came home one day and just said he was leaving, had already packed his bags. I had NO CLUE it was coming and he never gave me a reason - which is what made it so much worse. He then seemed to disappear off the face of the earth - and seven years later I have never seen him again since that day he left.

Reaction : I got a removal man to move all my stuff out and shagged the removal man. Then I moved to Australia.

Getting over it? It took years and years. It was the first time I realised that someone could just STOP loving me. For no reason. But - it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Good luck OP - turn this into an opportunity for CHANGE.

[ovaltine]

Ex husband and best friend shacked up together. Que slashing tyres an generally being a crazy bitch! She knew we'd been having problems and had been playing us off against each other which he just didn't see. Didn't see him again after he left. Drunk a lot. Got a much younger man. Prob took 18 months to get over, not because I was pining for him but just to figure out what i wanted out of life cos I'd never not considered us being together forever.

Wish I could see them now and thank them as best thing that ever happened really!!

[gemdrop84]

Sorry that was quite the essay, what helped was cutting him out, my friends and family and being kind to myself. I sold everything he bought me and had a good day shopping, having my hair cut (he liked my hair long and loose) hair colour and a lot of drinks with my male friends! I felt so free!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Liketeenme what an awful, baffling, head-fuck that mustve been! Did you EVER find out what caused his turnaround?? It's so weird! Can you ask him now? Something must've happened, but what?

[gemdrop84]

Had been together 10 months, 1st month very charming, other 9 not so, sulked and interrogated me if I went out with male friends, didn't like the way I dressed, interrogated me at my family gatherings about the amount of people I'd slept with and said I was disgusting for having casual sex, made massive scene about it, would come round mine with massive bunch of flowers or some extravagant gift which was more for show to my housemates than thought iyswim. Ended up with him saying I needed to meet someone else, he had issues and wanted a break, not sure how long for but no contact was one of his terms. I cried a lot that day but came to terms with it, only to have him constantly txt me everyday telling me he missed me, he loved me, let's make it work, move in together bla bla. We finally met up again a month later as he wanted, he came to my house and basically said you're dumped! I felt broken, so so led on, and I threw him out. He ended up crying in front of my housemates. I hated him, we ended up having sex the next day and after he got dressed I said I never wanted to speak to/ see him again. He was desperate to be friends but I needed to cut him out my life. He eroded my self esteem over that short time. A year later I met Dh and I haven't looked back. It's been a real eye opener regarding what a healthy relationship should be. Ex dp actually emailed me only a few years ago on my birthday wishing me a great day and wanting to know how I was. I felt physically ill reading that email it dredged up too many bad times for me.

[minmooch]

My worst was with my second husband. Married 5 years, ttc, two beautiful DS's from my first marriage. My eldest DS gets diagnosed with terminal cancer just before he turned 16. I come home one night for some sleep (living in hospital with my eldest) and the now exH says he doesn't want anything to do with 'it' ie the cancer, the illness, my other son, me. He can't offer emotional nor physical support and resents the financial implications of me living in hospital and not working! I have never known love to die so very quickly and be replaced with anger and disgust that one human being could be so cruel to another going through such terrible heartache. I left him and had 18 months in my new home with my sons before my eldest died. He tried to turn up at my sons funeral but he hid behind a van when he knew I had spotted him, he was told not to enter the cathedral. I never spoke to exH again apart from one occasion when I bumped into him and another woman dog walking. I told him what a Lilly livered coward he was with the emotional intelligence of a gnat. I advised the woman to stay clear of him. Even my dog, whom we had had when we were married growled at him! I got over him the moment he uttered those words of not wanting to be part of 'it'. I did not give him one second of my time as I had far more important things to do - looking after my sons. But I would not piss on him if he were on fire in front of me and I will never forgive him.

I probably shouldn't post the above but it's quite cathartic to get it out!

[thatwaseasy]

It was me who broke up with him but as he'd basically made things utterly untenable between us, he might as well have been the one to do it.

He was EA, controlling, gaslighting, spiteful, jealous and just basically a total cunt. To everyone else, he was charming, witty and gorgeous, but I ended up a basket case after two years with him. I went from a strong, independent and confident woman to being suicidal, drinking and being treated for severe depression. I'd never experienced a relationship with someone like that and I thought I was going mad - I just didn't understand what was happening. That was a few years ago and I still haven't quite got over it. I'm not the same person I was and it makes me sad that a man was the cause of that.

I thought I was going to die at the time, I'd hit rock bottom. I cried all the time, couldn't get out of bed and just thought I was worthless. After a few months, he contacted me wanting to be friends. I wrote a long and vitriolic email explaining what he'd done to me. Then I deleted it and never responded which I think was reply enough.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Hi inner I hope you got some sleep last night

I think we spoke about hope on your last thread. I think I said that until you gave up the last glimmer of hope, you wouldn't be able move forward.

I'm so so sorry that that last bit of hope has been extinguished (I bet I can guess how that happened!). It hurts to fuckery. It really does. But now you've been to the bottom you can start swimming back up towards the surface and the light

[ocelot41]

Selling dubious woo services to vulnetable people alert! MNHQ where have you hidden the report a post button on the new mobile platform?