When your partner admits they fancy someone else

[Fuckleberry]

My partner of 6 years has just told me he 'fancies' someone at work, and the feeling is mutual. I have met her and suspected she had a crush on him but thought it was unrecipricated. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me so thought the best thing was to be honest. I appreciate that, but what do I do now? I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel about it.

He also seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to (when i suggested he) cut contact for the time being, but he has now agreed to. I understand in long term relationships having a momentry crush on someone else is not uncommon, and I'm not angry at that. But he doesn't see how them continuing to text and meet up as friends, after admitting to each other they like each other, is a problem because they had 'agreed nothing can happen'. If he is serious about us, shouldn't his first thought be to not encourage his feelings and to minimise contact? This is what has annoyed and upset me. Maybe I am overreacting and should just be glad he is open about it?

Our relationship is mostly very good. Regular-ish sex life, affectionate, loving, supportive. Just tell me I'm being oversensitive? I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure right now.

Sorry if this is long and trivial

[Sickoffrozen]

This happened to me OP. My exh got "friendly" with a woman at work (10 yrs younger than me and him). He ended up leaving me for her.

It won't end well OP and he has shattered the relationship you had anyway.

I would just end it with him, retain your dignity, close this chapter of our life book and open the new one!

Good luck...

[hellsbellsmelons]

Work is a good distraction.
Fake it 'till you make it - as the saying goes.
Eating is gonna be hard. Keeping stuff down is not easy.
I got by on orange juice ice lollies and sugary tea.
Then introduced some soup and bananas.
Just try to keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
Your adrenalin will only keep you going for so long before you crash.
Little and often.
Keep on keeping on!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

OP, you might not feel strong but you are. Think about it: you're doing difficult stuff (walking away, working, not begging) even though you feel weak. That IS strength.

You'll look back on this and feel nothing but pity for him, and nothing but pride for yourself.

What a hideous shock. I bet this time last week you thought everything was fine. What a fucking fucktwunt of a twatty fucknut he turned out to be.

It's good that he's not contacting you much. It'd be harder if he were bombarding you with texts. Plus, you can tell yourself that he really doesn't deserve you if he can't even be arsed to pick up the phone. The twat.

What's wonderful now is that your ex has NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND. That's pure gold. That'll be winding him up more than anything else ever could. Good! It's your only currency in this situation. He has NO IDEA if you're upset or relieved, furious or joyful, shagging 150 other men or sobbing over his Facebook picture. He doesn't know where you are, who you're talking to, what your next step will be or what you want. BRILLIANT. That's real dignity. Keep that going!

This will get easier when you eventually abandon all hope in this relationship. It feels terrifying to do that - like you're releasing your last grip on a mountain and just free-falling down into nothing. I know how scary that is! But that's when it gets easier. When you face facts, and accept that it's over, it becomes sooooo much simpler and straightforward to move ahead. You only have you to please then. You stop waiting for him to contact you, you stop editing the story to people you know, you can square your shoulders and think, "OK then. Now what?"

But you won't feel like doing that yet, and that's understandable. He's so familiar to you, you can't help but want to stay attached. But the more time you spend with people who are even MORE familiar to you (sister, mum), the easier it'll be to turn your back on Fucknut.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Swallow a handful of multivitamins and a glass of milk every now and then. What's the good of being dumped if you can't lose 10lbs out of it?! :)

[hellsbellsmelons]

And remember this:-

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami

Something I put on here quite a lot!

[BuzzardBirdRoast]

Wow, what a shit! He was just asking for your permission really wasn't he?

You deserve better.

[NorthLDNgal]

WhatNowEh - Your post is GOLD.

Even though your advice is for Fuckleberry, your words have reinforced positive thoughts for me too.

Fuckleberry - keep strong and yes eat little and often if you can. I ate soup for a week and gradually started cooking again. Also long walks help too and noticing nature and everything around you if you can, this can help with relieving the constant thinking.

Even though I balked at being telling me I would get through it I'm beginning to think I will and you will too. You deserve the best!

x

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

An old friend of mine was dumped unexpectedly one Christmas Eve (!) by her fucknut DH. She ate only Marmite on dry toast for 2 months afterwards. She lost 20lbs and her hair - previously v brittle, only ever grew to collar length - became a glorious MANE. Which she tossed in his fucknutty face.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

This is amazing!

^ “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami^

If we're sharing break-up type quotes, I love this by Edna St Vincent Millay (I think):

"I can't forgive you.
But even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet, I cannot rid myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you."

Oh actually yikes, that's a bit mopey. Maybe just some Churchill then: "If you're going through Hell, keep going." Or a lovely one I read on MN ages ago: "Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end."

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Start a Fuck You Fucknut Pinterest board and fill it with inspirational quotes you can read in-between Bikram workouts and salads (lettuce cheers you up: nutritional fact).

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I listened to break-up songs on repeat. I LOVED "Jar of Hearts" so much. I liked the songs because they reminded me that somebody else had gone through this exact type of pain and survived. Survived and thrived.

Pink's "Funhouse" album is ALL ABOUT her break-up from her DH. (They got back together and had a kid afterwards, which I think was a mistake but sadly she doesn't come to me for life advice. ) that came out just after I broke up with my now ExH. Every song on that album related to something I was going through. "So What" is such a feisty fuck-you anthem, it's ANAZING.

[HumblePieMonster]

Doesn't matter what caused it, the bastard had to be left. Don't go over it, go forward.

[NorthLDNgal]

@WhatNowEh 0 I am doing bikram but not eating salad. :-) Bikram yoga is fantastic for making you feel good both mentally and physically. During my first class, did rapid breathing exercises and the teacher said exhale all the negative feelings. This idea nearly made me cry but thought the emotion was a good thing to feel after doing something so physical. Have booked another 10 classes to ward off the winter blues.

I like those quotes. Read one today by Iman in Instagram:

'Sometimes the person you want the most is the person you're best without'. It's not Shakespeare but it's good enough!

I''m up for a Fucknut Pinterest board - great idea!

[yetwig]

My ex did the same to me 4 months ago. Introduced her to me and wanted me to be her friend, I knew something wasn't right as he couldn't keep his eyes of her. So when he told me one night he didn't love me anymore I put 2 and 2 together. He addmited that he had feeling for her, so that was it in my eyes. Been together 16 years and had done this before.

I have now met a lovely man :) things will get better :)

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that, yetwig.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

OP -- how are you? What's happened? Are you ok? I'm thinking of you and REALLY hoping you're being kind to yourself.

[NorthLDNgal]

Yes Fuckleberry I hope you are doing ok too.

[UptheAnty]

Op are you ok?

I hope you're busy doing fun things and keeping yourself occupied.

[viruswithhold]

End it now, you have no ties to this lieing cheating man, you will never trust him again. You don't want a life living with someone who you will never trust again! You deserve better, walk away and hold your head up high.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

The OP posted this a week ago... I wonder what she's decided to do.

A lot of the time all you can see is that the OP needs to leave the relationship as its doing nothing for them and they're being dicked around and you know they are better without. But now its me. And I can't see me leaving. And the me in another universe reading this thread is going 'what are you doing?!?? Get out now. How will you recover?'

[HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch]

Just letting the OP know that I am thinking of her.

[ocelot41]

I think he is dealing with this very oddly tbh. I have had crushes before ( and I suspect many of us who are in ltr have). Sometimes it has been clear the feeling was mutual. I did what I thought was smart, minimised all contact (including work contact wherever possible) and worked on my ltr.

I did not a/ discuss this with the OM b/ continue to see or text the OM or c/ torture my DH by telling him all about it. Yes, it was hard but it only took between 2-6 months for those feelings to totally subside. Same principle as putting out a fire - don't 'feed' it and don't give it air and space to breathe in.

Why would you do what he is doing unless you were trying to keep your options open or hoping someone else would stop the affair in its tracks so you didn't have to? All v odd and immature IMO....

I feel really sorry for you OP I would be feeling pretty crap in your shoes.