When your partner admits they fancy someone else

[Fuckleberry]

My partner of 6 years has just told me he 'fancies' someone at work, and the feeling is mutual. I have met her and suspected she had a crush on him but thought it was unrecipricated. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me so thought the best thing was to be honest. I appreciate that, but what do I do now? I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel about it.

He also seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to (when i suggested he) cut contact for the time being, but he has now agreed to. I understand in long term relationships having a momentry crush on someone else is not uncommon, and I'm not angry at that. But he doesn't see how them continuing to text and meet up as friends, after admitting to each other they like each other, is a problem because they had 'agreed nothing can happen'. If he is serious about us, shouldn't his first thought be to not encourage his feelings and to minimise contact? This is what has annoyed and upset me. Maybe I am overreacting and should just be glad he is open about it?

Our relationship is mostly very good. Regular-ish sex life, affectionate, loving, supportive. Just tell me I'm being oversensitive? I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure right now.

Sorry if this is long and trivial

[Fuckleberry]

I can stay in the country if I want to, if it comes to that. I don't have any real close friends here, they are all back home. My mum also happened to emigrate here before me but is unfortunately out of the country for 2 weeks! My best friend, my sister, is in England. I'll maybe try call her in the morning before work. Urhh what a mess. I know it could be worse. I guess I should try to get some sleep before tomorrow. Thank you so much. I've never posted before (bar one comment on one thread) but its true, the support and advice on here is amazing. lyingwitch, anyfucker, hermitcrab. All of you.

[Vivacia]

Send him on his way! Maybe that'll be the lesson he needs or maybe they'll end up together but if you tolerate this he'll walk all over you and you'll end up hurt and humiliated.

[Fuckleberry]

Alice yes I am affraid of that too. I think I need to sleep on it, if possible. I'll no doubt be up in a few hours.

[simontowers2]

No ties, no kids, no financial commitments - i cant think of one possible reason to stay in this relationship. You've prob had a lucky escape, at least you're into him four kids and a huge mortgage deep like some of the posters on this board are with their cheating partners. Whether he has shagged her is immaterial. You're not even married yet and already his eye is roving.

[magoria]

I wonder why he has told you this half truth now?

I wonder if someone has pulled him up on something and he has got in first with a 'minor' infidelity rather than it all coming out.

First it was just coffee and a crush.

Now its intimate chats and more time talking to her than you.

Next? A kiss but they stopped? OK a kiss and a quick feel then they stopped...

He clearly didn't feel the need to come clean initially. Plus because he was so good admitting the crush he thought he could carry on meeting up as you knew. Shame he missed out the crucial stuff!

I would consider your options while you wait for the rest.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Get some sleep Fuckleberry, you've actually done the hard bit. You've confronted what I think you already had more than an inkling of, deep down. You know what you're dealing with now. A lying, duplicitous man that would have carried on with you - and taken up his crush at the same time. That's no kind of relationship for you, you can do so much better - and you will.

Make no plans to renew the rental on your place, you can find another one, maybe share with somebody for a bit whilst you regroup? Your mum is back within two weeks so it won't be long, could you stay with her?

I think you need some space from your partner to figure out what it is that you want. What he wants is entirely unimportant. If you look at what WhatsGoingOnEh wrote about her extremely strong mother, you will see that the grass is not greener. You have no children or legal relationship with this man and that puts you in such a strong position, it really does. The world is most definitely your oyster and there are going to be lots of nice men that you meet and would like to have a relationship with. In time, this current partner will be forgotten except as a 'stepping stone' to the next better one.

For now though, you need sleep - it's very difficult to think straight when you're short of sleep and stressed out. Now that you know the worst of it, all of the balls are in your court and YOU get to decide what happens next, not him, you.

[MistressDeeCee]

Been there. Its horrible. Good luck OP you may not want to leave him but you have to make a stand or he will continue to take the piss and you will live in misery. . Nothing is guaranteed anyway...suppose he left you...?

[Fuckleberry]

Thank you lyingwitch I'm in bed now. I was in awe of WhatsGoingOnEh's mother, I shall have to try and channel that in the morning.

Magoria I don't get the initial half truth wither. I'll post again in a few. Night xx

[Cubee]

Oh love. Xxx

[albal14]

I feel for you it must bé so hard to take on board, the underlying issue here is he betrayed you.
Should you continue this relationship, it will allways bé around, no one wants issues like that.
My advice is hold your head high and walk.
You will feel so much better in time, and will bé a while, but it will bé worth it. You are better than him.

Wish you all the best xxx

[lavenderhoney]

Did all this hapoen before you both moved countries? Is there any worry he moved there partly for her?

I think he mentioned it to soften the blow of what may be to come. She is no doubt worrying about christmas and NYE and of course he will be with you. she may be playing her own game of non contact to make him get some action. All this stuff about him being in a relationship so it won't go further is codswallop. It's gone further, than just talks, and now a decision has to be made. Is he hoping you'll make it for him?

its very tough op, and you're very astute to notice the pick me dance game and decide if you want to play. No doubt he wants to have his cake and eat it. you can't control what she does or him, but you can limit the damage for yourself. Personally I would tell him to fuck off, but mean it, whether he wants you back or not.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

OP, don't humiliate yourself performing the pick me dance It will demean you further in his eyes

At the moment you think if you throw him out he will go to her. That may be so, but if he does it would be only a matter of time before he went anyway so you might as well cut out the middle bit where you let them batter your self esteem down even further. If he goes straight to her, it tells you all you need to know.

he needs to feel loss and that he may well have thrown everything away, even if you think you could get past this. Rip away his complacency and ignore his crocodile tears. His distress will be at being caught, even if his pretty words say they are because he is disgusted with himself ay hurting you

all decisions are now yours, not his

actions speak louder than mealy-mouthed words and empty promises

throw him out and see where the cards fall..the only way toget any respect back from him, and for yourself, is to make him work for you

if he doesn't, then you bypass all the shit in the middle before he shits all over you again

[Fuckleberry]

Victorian your post was very difficult to read I must admit, and totally reflects the betrayal and disgust i feel right now.

I have had no sleep. It is now 7:30am I'm writing off work for the day. I have left him a note telling him to pack a bag and make himself scarce whilst I process this. And to also think about what he really wants. I just can't really face him this morning, I'm not great with confrontation and last night took it out of me a bit.

I've just heard him wake and showering so I'm hoping he leaves soon so I can rest and clear my head.

lavendar he has known her for about 6 months I guess, after we moved here.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Good for you. I don't blame you or not wanting to see his lying, cheating face

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

*for

[LittleDonkeyLeftie]

Fuckleberry never mind what he wants - why are you asking him that?

You need to be concentrating on what you want.

Great idea for him to leave to give you space to get over the initial shock. What if he refuses to go though?

I am hoping you will see this all more clearly when you have had a chance to sleep. He is a total knobber and not worth another second of your time really. Sitting around discussing with OW what they are and aren't going to do with their relationship.

He has betrayed you and you are right to be disgusted. I am still worried you are falling into "pick me dance" territory.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

OP, please read that link I posted

[Fuckleberry]

Thank you AnyFucker I have read it before (ages ago) and have just read it again. I will have to keep reading it in the next few days. I never in a million years thought I would need to use it. He's still here but at least he hasn't tried to talk to me. LittleDonkey, not really sure why I put that in the note. I had to stop myself telling him how upset and angry I was in it so at least I was fairly restrained

Im also desperate for the toilet but don't want to leave my room!

[lavenderhoney]

When he does leave, lock the door and leave the key in it. Go to the bathroom and then call a RL friend or your mum, if they will let you vent and not be directive. Keep posting.

If he wants to see you, say " after a week" so your emotions are cooler and you have time to think. Do not get roped into christmas emotinal blackmail etc. soon it will be January and life goes on.

I also used to read the boards. Then, suddenly, it was me posting. It's realky shit, what you're going through. Accept its shit and you'll free up your mind to think what you want. Thinking takes time- allow yourself time. After all, what did he think would happen after his bombshell? Seriously?!

Be constructive if you can. It won't go away so write some scenarios. It helped me to write my own obituary:) well, sort of:) get the thoughts into your head then go for a run or whatever, and come back to it. He's had bags of time to fuck up and get in this space. He can wait.

[AmonRa1]

If you kick him out, he will love you and want you more. He will realise what a strong, attractive, independent women you are and she will lose all her appeal after a few days.

If you 'forgive him' straight away then I'm afraid...you're predictable and boring to him and she will still be the appeal.

Chicken, by heart wrenches for you, it truly does, honest to god, find some strength from somewhere and show him the door, if only for a few weeks. He can then decide how much he wants you.

Be kind to yourself x

[YellowTulips]

You have had some good advice so not much to add.

You need to shift the balance of this situation being in his control to yours.

What he wants now is not relevant. His reactions to what you want will tell you all you need to know about the level of investment he still has in your relationship.

Be kind to yourself

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Careful with skipping work - you have to think about supporting yourself now. Being dependent on this duplicitous piece of shit would be crippling. Plus work is a lovely, helpful distraction - something you WILL appreciate in weeks to come.

I'm allowing you one day of moping. Then I want to see you move from sadness and confusion into red-hot rage. Women Scorned get shit done.

I think this is fate. The Universe has bigger plans for you than this stupid, stupid little man. He got you to your Dream Country, but now it appears you have to move onwards without him. He was a stepping stone to something else. You can't see the something else yet, so you're still clinging to him. But when you DO see your first glimpse of your future (your real future, not the bleak hopelessness you currently picture because you don't know better), you'll happily launch yourself into it.

How old are you? When does your mum get back? Can you live with her? Can you call her right now?

[NorthLDNgal]

I'm not sure if this is the right advice but I'd disappear for a few days and not tell him where I'm going. Maybe book a weekend away or a few days somewhere nice to collect your thoughts and how you feel about him.

I think there's an innate feeling in men (big generalisation here) that they want what they can't or shouldn't have and this colleague of his is the epitomy of that. Turn the tables and show him that this works both ways - you don't have to tell him too much, just that you're going away and will be back when you're ready. You then gain the upper hand and control of this situation and you'll be doing it for you and to clear your mind.

You might be plagued by thoughts of what if he is with her while you are away, but the most likely scenario is that he'll realise what losing you might feel like and he'll come back to you emotionally.

I wouldn't ask him to tell you that he loves you and needs to be with you - this make you sound needy and powerless. He's got to work out a way back to you by himself and the only way for him to do that is for you to go away for a bit to show him how much you value yourself.

p.s. I wish I took my own advice ;-)

[NorthLDNgal]

Having read all of the posts I am certain you should take a few days at least away from him. If he goes to her then you know how the land lies and you have your dignity in tact. When he realises he can't have both, he will find this woman far less interesting.