When your partner admits they fancy someone else

[Fuckleberry]

My partner of 6 years has just told me he 'fancies' someone at work, and the feeling is mutual. I have met her and suspected she had a crush on him but thought it was unrecipricated. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me so thought the best thing was to be honest. I appreciate that, but what do I do now? I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel about it.

He also seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to (when i suggested he) cut contact for the time being, but he has now agreed to. I understand in long term relationships having a momentry crush on someone else is not uncommon, and I'm not angry at that. But he doesn't see how them continuing to text and meet up as friends, after admitting to each other they like each other, is a problem because they had 'agreed nothing can happen'. If he is serious about us, shouldn't his first thought be to not encourage his feelings and to minimise contact? This is what has annoyed and upset me. Maybe I am overreacting and should just be glad he is open about it?

Our relationship is mostly very good. Regular-ish sex life, affectionate, loving, supportive. Just tell me I'm being oversensitive? I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure right now.

Sorry if this is long and trivial

[Fuckleberry]

He went to work and left an apologetic note. He says he will be back this afternoon and confine himself to the spare room so as not to see him. I have booked myself into a hotel for 2 nights instead. And I promise to go to work tomorrow!

My love my sister has been very supportive. She had me write a letter to him, which I wrote and showed her. Then told me to get rid and just leave a short note telling him I'm away. This I will do.

I'm tired and quite drained, and keep bursting into pathetic tears! Hotel near the beach with a pool and a gym. That will be nice. Don't know what else to do or think right now. Calling my mum might be difficult but I will maybe email her in the next few days. Guess I need to make a plan...

[QuickSilverFairy]

I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. Your post has hit a chord for me. My partner had a work place crush, with a woman who seemed to reciprocate his feelings. He said the exact same thing to me "Oh we have discussed this and decided nothing is going to happen between us" Well fuck me cold! I was devastated and humiliated. He continued to text her..once I
snooped saw a text message from her that said " Call me on your way to work so we can chat with no interference" I felt the sick rise in my throat.
I had recently found I was pregnant. I did some soul destroying things to try to make him want me and the baby. I was very lucky to have a lovely and supportive friend who said to me "Quick, you do not have to beg anyone to love you. You are second best to no one" I found clarity in that moment with my friend.

I packed and left my OH. I told him I would advise him of our child's birth and we could discuss visitation. I moved in with my mum, found work in my field and built a life for myself and my baby.

Peace and clarity to you, OP. You are second best to no one..

[lavenderhoney]

You don't have to leave him a note, and don't tell him where you are going. You'll spend the whole time wondering if he's coming to get you.

What about when you get back? Will he still be there?

[Vivacia]

I wouldn't tell him where you are going or for how long, although I can accept wanting to tell him enough that he won't worry about your safety.

[Hobbitwife001]

Hi OP, you do need to be very wary here, my husband of 28 years has just left me and my two sons for someone he was 'just a friend' with in his cycling club. Emotional affairs are sometimes worse than just a physical connection because there is much more depth of feeling. He said they had feelings for each other but she wanted him to 'work it out' with me. He left the following week ! You need to protect your relationship and go no contact but it may already be too late. Love and hugs x

[TheChandler]

Sounds to me as if he is letting you know he wants some kind of open relationship where he is free to have this emotional affair. And then presumably you have to hang around with the threat that it might develop into something more serious hanging over you.

I think he is Trouble, and I'd be pretty angry at him for causing me this much stress.

I'd tell him to take a running jump. If he wants to come crawling back, let him do the chasing, but be wary of this man!

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

He's such an arrogant twat. "I'll hide in the spare room so you don't have to see me." Please. Hardly a long-term solution, is it.

I hope you have a lovely weekend in the hotel (use that gym! Endorphins!) and your sister sounds GREAT.

IME, you can't fake the kind of disinterest that makes men really keen. You have to be GENUINELY disinterested in them. They really can smell when you've lost interest and moved on.

But honestly, would you want him to come crawling back? Six months after you've emigrated together, to start a new life with wedding plans and a future promised to each other, he's texting a colleague, contemplating an affair (at least), and making you cry. Do you want to be with that kind of person?

It's not time for games and vanishing acts. It's time for you to realise that this relationship is over and to make new plans accordingly. Plot that in your hotel. Cry, rage, exercise, and plan. Plan your lovely new life with your sister and mum, and without him.

[XmasTimeMammariesandWine]

This would be a deal breaker for me.

[XmasTimeMammariesandWine]

Sorry you had to go through this

[Smudgeandpudge]

OP, I really feel for you, you poor girl. But I think you're showing amazing dignity so far, and I agree with the PP who said that you're second best to no-one. He has shown no regard for your feelings here, don't debase yourself by trying to win him back. You can and will feel happy again, trust me! x

[VanitasVanitatum]

Go to that hotel and don't look back.

You will never truly feel safe or be able to trust him again.

[patienceisvirtuous]

Honestly OP. I think you only have one option here, and that's to LTB. No drama, no fuss, just like the PP's kick ass mother.

I am another one thinking he's taking the coward's route to leaving you anyway :(

There's no coming back from this - and you deserve much, much better love.

[APlaceInTheWinter]

You've been incredibly strong whilst he has been weak and cruel. You deserve so much better.

Take your time at the hotel to attempt to clear your head, and the best plan will become clear to you. Don't let him contact you whilst you're away. Block his number if you have to, or put in the note that you don't want him to contact you and he has to respect your wishes and boundaries.

He obviously hoped his 'confession' would cause you to do the 'pick me dance' whilst he could go on having cosy chats and lunches with the OW. There's a certain type of person who confuses cruelty/manipulation with honesty, and he seems to be one of them.

Be gentle on yourself. Cry if you want to but don't lose your resolve that you deserve better and that he has behaved unforgivably.

[Vivacia]

I agree that they've created themselves a little star-crossed lovers scenario. Very easy to play that game and fantasise from the safety and security of a long-term relationship. Set him free and pull the rug from beneath their feet.

[MarmiteMania]

This was me once. My boyfriend of six years sat me down and told me he fancied and had feelings for a girl he'd met in the gym. In my immaturity, I messed the whole thing up and told him to go off with her and 'get it out of his system'. When he did I couldn't handle it and gave him an ultimatum.

Unfortunately, I got him back. I eventually married him, he had a seven year affair (not with her) and was highly abusive to me and our dcs.

So I won the battle but lost the war. You see it wasn't him fancying someone else that was the problem; after all we're all human. It was the way he saw me hurting but didn't care, that should have been a red flag about the future.

PLEASE take the advice here and leave him (whatever he promises when he realises the decision's been made for him), as without a shadow of a doubt, one day you will regret any other decision.

[SearchingForSomething]

I haven't posted in this thread yet, or much on MN at all really, but it's really hit a chord with me due to my own experiences lately.

I'm further down the road than you are, Fuckleberry, but you sound so strong, and so sensible, that I have no doubt you're going to be just fine.

What WhatsGoingOnEh said actually brought a tear to my eye because it's so true. It's something I have recently started to be able to believe and the difference it's made to my outlook and general wellbeing is enormous.

"I think this is fate. The Universe has bigger plans for you than this stupid, stupid little man. He got you to your Dream Country, but now it appears you have to move onwards without him. He was a stepping stone to something else. You can't see the something else yet, so you're still clinging to him. But when you DO see your first glimpse of your future (your real future, not the bleak hopelessness you currently picture because you don't know better), you'll happily launch yourself into it."


I can only echo what everyone else has said about not fighting for him, or giving him any decision-making power or influence over you. Not now. It's too early. You may decide, further down the line, to try again, but now isn't the time to give that any headspace. Let him go. Spend as much time with friends and family as you possibly can and look after yourself. A couple of books I found fantastic were It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, and the Break-up Bible. I've spent many an evening curled up with these and a G&T and they've given me some much needed moments of clarity and optimism :)

Good luck, look after yourself, and ask for help and support whenever you need to xx

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I'm glad you're starting to see your own lovely future now, Searching. :-) I'm sorry I made you cry!

And my Mum really is kick-ass!! What she has going for her (that I sadly didn't inherit) is ZERO self-doubt. She just never questions or second-guesses herself. She is fearless in that way. If we all had that quality, we'd never be messed around by men EVER.

Notice how (most) men don't have self-doubt, either. When they're deeply hurt or messed about, they don't hang around for chats, they say a couple of words then exit the situation. They move on. I admire that.

In this situation, I think a man would move out and not leave a note. He'd accept it was over and just leave.

[NorthLDNgal]

WhatsGoingOnEh - I agree with you.

My ex moved out just after 1 month ago on the night he announced his leaving and haven't seen or spoken to him since except two emails to facilitate his moving out. I am steadfast in resolving not to contact him seeing as he was the one who left and nothing terrible happened, no cheating (that I know of) or terrible behaviour. Just he thought I'd want kids and marriage and he didn't so he bolted.

So that was pretty brutal but I am beginning to accept it and not having any contact is helping with that. One day we may be able to have a calm conversation but I'm not banking on that. Just continue with my own life. In a way it is strangely liberating, once I understood the opportunities that become available once you become untied. So there is hope.

Life is short and even tough it feels terrible to go through this emotional pain, being as kind to yourself, even if that means being brutal by following your own path, you really have to do this for yourself.

[Fuckleberry]

Well the hotel is lovely, still the worst stay I've ever had though. He has not tried to contact me other than one message last night saying he loves me. Appolgies for not answering individual posts, but believe me that I am reading and rereading. I do not feel strong, anything but. I never saw myself being in this position and feel I am not coping well emotionally at all. I have forced myself to go to work, have just got in. The distraction will be good. Yesterday i spend wollowing is self pity and sadness, I am determined to have a better day today. Not eaten since it happened but suppose I will have to for some energy.

Spoken lots with my sister and emailed my mum though did not give her any specific details. Very unsure of the future, that is quite scary. One day at a time.

Thanks for the support you amazing group of people

[Riverland]

OP, I just want to say that it might be helpful for you to realise that currently you are in a state of shock. Take it easy. Keep hydrated. Eat something! I hope you get some sleep tonight and get through the day ok. One day at a time. You'll be fine. Just give yourself time, you've allot to process and that in itself takes time, rest, sleep, space. Be gentle with yourself while things sink in.

[Daisywheel7]

So sorry this is happening to you Fuckleberry
Sending you my best wishes, you are doing great! Good luck for today x

[QuickSilverFairy]

Sending a big hug to you..and your fabulous supportive sister! Try to take a bit of time to think about what you want. Don't be afraid to dream big..you deserve a partner who will be loving and faithful..someone you feel secure building a future with. Xxoo

[HumblePieMonster]

Forge ahead, Fuckleberry. You've done what had to be done, I'm proud of you.

[Joysmum]

Wishing you all the best