When your partner admits they fancy someone else

[Fuckleberry]

My partner of 6 years has just told me he 'fancies' someone at work, and the feeling is mutual. I have met her and suspected she had a crush on him but thought it was unrecipricated. He told me that he loves me and wants to be with me so thought the best thing was to be honest. I appreciate that, but what do I do now? I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel about it.

He also seemed a bit shocked and unwilling to (when i suggested he) cut contact for the time being, but he has now agreed to. I understand in long term relationships having a momentry crush on someone else is not uncommon, and I'm not angry at that. But he doesn't see how them continuing to text and meet up as friends, after admitting to each other they like each other, is a problem because they had 'agreed nothing can happen'. If he is serious about us, shouldn't his first thought be to not encourage his feelings and to minimise contact? This is what has annoyed and upset me. Maybe I am overreacting and should just be glad he is open about it?

Our relationship is mostly very good. Regular-ish sex life, affectionate, loving, supportive. Just tell me I'm being oversensitive? I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure right now.

Sorry if this is long and trivial

dont marry him, dont have children

It seems he lulled you into thinking it's normal behavior, and sorry if we've upset you more, but it's not normal.

Thinking people are good looking..etc is normal, but it's not two way or mutual. They've done more than just find each other physically attractive to know they have a mutual "fancying" they've done more than just chat as friends... it's not on and I would set him straight.

Fuckleberry... You do that. He's dropped this bombshell on you and is now fast asleep, no doubt dreaming of the two women 'fighting over him'.

Do you really love him, want to be with him, trust him? Do you want to stay in the country you are now in and do you need to stay with him to do that? Could you come back to your home country if you wanted to and start again?

What would I do? I'm not sure. I would need to take some time to think about it but whilst I was thinking about it, I would answer those questions in my head and get the necessary 'ducks' in place should I decide that I wanted to leave him.

There will never be a better time for you to do this, Fuckleberry, you are totally unencumbered and you deserve better. He is not your equal, you wouldn't have treated him like this and no, his honesty would have been better served backing away from this 'crush' rather than having discussions with it.

Agree with oranges, don't marry or have children with him. Keep yourself free to find somebody better.

If you decide (or his subsequent behaviour makes it obvious) that this relationship is not going to work out for you, you are in a good position to cut your losses and move on.
While I do not think monogamy is compulsory and it definitely doesn't suit everyone, I think this man's feeding his ego at your expense (and quite possibly the workmate's, too). Some people do use the threat of infidelity to make one or more of their partners scurry around squeaking and placating and panicking, presenting themselves as a rare and precious asset that needs to be constantly fought for and defended. It's not a healthy set up.

I would be crushed too. Then I hope I'd get angry. In my experience, statements like this are the beginning of the end, and how long the end takes to come around depends on how long you drag it out. Sounds harsh, but you don't want to be doing the old pick me dance always mentioned on here. Don't let him play you. Hope your 2 am chat went well!

2am talk was shit. Full blown emotional affair, very explicit and intimate texts, he only admitted to when I demanded to see his phone. I'm so fucking angry. I really don't know how we can move on from this. I love him but now I also hate him. The lies! He was even texting her after hi initial confession when I had gone for a shower to get a bit of space. Fucking PRICK

You can look at this as 'shit' (which it is, I'm sorry) or you can look at it as your chance to be with somebody a hell of a lot better. Even after he told you that he wants to be with you - he was texting her. That's not something you can move on from easily, if at all. I wouldn't want to, I'd never be able to trust him again.

It's probably already a physical affair anyway; you'd text about what you know and 'explicit' probably means just that. I'm so sorry, Fuckleberry

This is going to fuck with your head if you don't get a clear commitment from him to stop all contact. Don't be afraid to tell him exactly what you require.

He is in the wrong here. Be really strong with him. Leave him if you have to - he has crossed a line.

So sorry. I've through it and it is horrible.

People in these types of emotional affairs are similar to drug addicts in my experience. They are literally hooked on the good feelings and will do and say anything to get the next fix. It's well documented. I'm afraid you probably won't get much sense out of him at the moment.

The only thing that knocks them out of their love bubble is loss. Severe loss and consequences. Is the ow married ?

I love, and wholeheartedly agree with, every word that Lyingwitchinthewardrobe has written on this thread.

Go, now, while you're unencumbered.

My Dad had an EA with a woman at work. My first inkling (I was 17) was hearing mum say, "if you love her, you must go to her." And she had him out that door so fast, his feet dudnt touch the ground. She didn't cry, she didn't beg, she was KICK ASS AWESOME. Then she packed her and my suitcases, and we left to stay with her sister. 3 weeks later, Dad was begging to come back.

The only thing that works in these situations is for you to create distance. Lots of distance. Let him feel what he's missing. Not have the comfort of your company.

I'm so so so so so sorry this has happened. SO sorry. But you can do this, you CAN get through this.

That sounds bad, OP. Explicit and intimate texts, and they only admitted they fancied each other yesterday? I don't think so. He has lied to and deceived you. Whether you have a future together depends on his actions, and his first was to text the OW. Like Lying says, could you ever trust him again? It's good you are angry now though, rather than sad - it's a better place for prioritising your needs and taking action.

He just keeps sayings sorry, like he doesnt know what else to do or say. He's in the spare room now its 3am here. I need space. What the fuck was he thinking?!?! He was abroad at the time and he was in touch with her fae more than me. That supprosingly stings the most. I'm just devastated, but mostly angey right now. In don't understand why he even started this conversation with me about liking her in the first place?! What was he trying to achieve?!?! I'm all alone in this fucking country at the moment, the country of my dreams by the way. Well that's been ruined. Cheers love. Our tenancy is up and now rolling contract, maybe its a sign. I don't want to break up though. I'm all over the place. Thank you for taking your time to read and reply I probably wouldn't have even had a second conversation with him if I hasn't have had all this support

Good advice above. So sorry you are going through this - hope you have some RL support too?

Get rid.

Read a few other threads on here on similar, and get rid.

No children, no marriage, no ties - get rid, don't stay with an unfaithful man when you really don't have to. If you want to be happy, it really has to be made that simple.

God its brutal. I read the relationship boards often and think how lucky I am and all the advice people give, which I mostly agree with. A lot of the time all you can see is that the OP needs to leave the relationship as its doing nothing for them and they're being dicked around and you know they are better without. But now its me. And I can't see me leaving. And the me in another universe reading this thread is going 'what are you doing?!?? Get out now. How will you recover?'

Its very scary. And very lonely all of a sudden. I cannot thank you all enough. And I am reading everything xxx

There is absolutely no reason to stay with this man. Really what is the point?

You will never a trust him again. He acted like he "came clean" but it was for his own benefit/guilt, and probably because he knew it wouldn't be soon until he tripped up... damage control. It wasn't anything to do with saving your relationship.

Then to top it off you press further and he lied, as we suspected he is in a full blown emotional affair.

Send him to her, and watch him crumble, because the likelihood is once they are available to each other, it won't be any fun anymore, and he'll realise what he's lost. BUT I wouldn't ever take him back. find yourself something better.

Greedy selfish man, but at least you don't have any ties to him.

Oh you poor thing.

Can you stay in the country without him?

He has opted out the relationship. I don't think you have much choice about leaving unless you want to be in some weirdy love-triangle thing.

The pair of them sound as if they bloody deserve each other. Your DP has his head in the clouds OP, life is not a Mills & Boon book of sighing unrequited "ohhh if only we could be together" love.

Id be going with WhatsGoingOnEh to the absolute and ultimate letter.

He needs a short, sharp, tough shock and he needs it QUICKLY. Whilst you are there looking and feeling sad, and the 2 of you are giving more life to his affair by talking about it (which is actually the reason I think he told you, instead of coming to his senses and concluding things immediately..I find that men just love to find ways of namedropping the woman they're having an affair with) - nothing is going to change. You need to create distance now, its make or break time even if it means leaving your comfort zone for a time then you do it; he will come back to you or go to her, but at least either way you will know.

& have a think..its an unkind thing isn't it, to upset your partner's peace of mind in this way knowing that it will devastate and sadden her, and take up the majority of her thoughts. He's done it to you though, hasn't he? So does he really have your best interests at heart?

I hope the 2 of you can find a way through this. But if he is foolish enough to go to her I hope she kicks his arse to the kerb..sometimes its not as "romantic" when someone is easily available; he probably isn't thinking that way though. Not while he has the security of you behind him, and "Miss Fun" available at work with "no strings"

I am sorry love. All the signs now are that he has already shagged her. Not many women send "explicit" tests over a little bit of mutual flirting.

He has to know what he risks. Throw him out now if you ever want him at all, although for me this would be final

Don't let any man treat you like this. I expect they have been considering you a source of some amusement. Well, fuck that and fuck him. You deserve better

Well done for forcing some semblance of the truth, but it's highly likely you still don't know the half of it.

Op, I think you know deep down that if he is capable of doing this there will be no way you will be able to trust him in the future. You are luckier than lots of other ladies on here in that you have no ties with this sad excuse for a man. To do and say what he has shows zero respect for you and I would seriously consider getting yourself on a plane back home.
He is not worthy of you and it sickens me that some men treat women like this - do not cheapen yourself by staying with him - he is a liar and a cheat.

He flat out denied it was physical at all and I'm inclined to believe that at least. Frankly, he just wouldnt have had any opportunity. Though given it I'm am certain it would have happened. I can't really kick him out either, there is no where to go. Well actually I might try to I tomorrow anyway. I'm sure a colleague would put him up. No family nearby. I don't think he gets it. I don't think he understands how angry I am, how hurt I am. I will absolutely not be trying to work anything out regarding our relationship just yet. I just need to think. And I read all of the messages on his phone, well, skimmed. They certainly did not give a shit about me at any point. But I do think she would take him if he went to her.

Let her have him OP - he isn't exactly a prize to be fought over is he?

Keep your dignity and tell him to get fucked. He has already lied to you and minimized it and now he doesn't understand why you are so upset?

Can you leave him but stay in the country you are in? What do you want to do? You will never trust him again - is that how you want to live?

You are in shock so treat yourself kindly and please do confide in a friend in RL. Don't protect him and his "reputation."

He told you this for the simple reason that he's a coward and doesn't want to end it with you.
He wants to force YOU to end it. He realises what you have given up for him and is being a big fat wimp.
That is what he wants to achieve.
So give it to him.

Just be very grateful you found out before any marriage and kids etc.....
You will now be free to find a nice faithful man who will respect you and not have affairs behind your back.
for you OP.
So sorry you are going through this.

You are dangerously close to doing the "pick me" dance. Please do not throw away all shreds of self respect here. He's lied, cheated, and lied some more.

Get out. Find someone who will treat you well, that you can TRUST.