The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Driving Through A Sober Winter Wonderland.

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Bus, he's called Gerald.... he takes us up and down and this wondrous land, searching high and low for Babes in need of some support, a warm place to sit and chat, and to have someone to listen to them.

So, grab a seat as we swing by your way. There's lots of hot drinks, food and fleeces, places to just be and places to sit around and chat if that's what you want.

We don't judge, because we've all be in your shoes, be they stilettos, wellies or crocs!...

We're just us, we're just honest and we just do what we can to help, if we can, when we can. Let's try and have a Merry Christmas without getting off our faces this year.

Here is the very first, emotional thread if you would like to see where this all started

And the last thread if you want to keep up!

Hello, tis me, Mouse.

I'm sorry that I've not been around for ages..... life has been mad busy since I started to volunteer at the Neurological Care Home. :) I can only do a few hours as now I have 'housemaid's knee' due to caring for Nemo for almost 6 years.

Down on the floor changing him, still, and sorting feeds etc, I just hadn't realised! It's killing me so I'm off to the doc again tomorrow as I can't walk at all without a knee brace and both crutches now!!! Grrr. I am broken but sober and happy with life :)

Anyway - hello to any new Babes and a big whoop whoop to Ma who I believe will be eating cake sometime soon??

My 40th is Wednesday (I am NOT 40, nope, I refuse to be!! ) and I'm a bit sad that my mum won't be here in person to share the events that are arranged. I miss her.

Anywho - off to bed. Love to you all. I will be here more now that Nemo is back at school and I'm resting at home.

I'll be back! Mouse xxx

Mouse the bit of your post that jumped out at me was the bit about being happy with life. I know you have shed loads to deal with and have been through a really difficult year+ but to think you are feeling a ray of happy has lifted my day .

Morning All.

How lovely to hear from you Mouse, as Beaches said 'Happy with life' are such special words, and well deserved by some one who gives so much.

I am dreading today. I will have to spend all day on a staff development course with the boss I was talking about earlier in the week. Even worse, the focus of it is related to the stuff he excluded me from earlier in the week. I don't want to go, but that will prevent me getting some important external accreditation. Thing is, what if the reason I was exclude is because I am shit at it - it's the area I am trying to rebuild my career on? How embarrassing to be putting myself forward when people in the room think I am rubbish and kidding myself?

My anxiety levels are through the roof, I have hardly slept. I just want to crawl back under the duvet and cry.

Sorry, unloading like this is not a good way to start the day, I hope everyone has an easy, joyful, calm, sort of AF Friday. (And for anyone worrying about drinking - or not drinking tonight, when we drink we are ruining our own free time with hangovers and other ailments).

Help.

I need some arse kicking, I am sitting in tears because I just looked at the programme for today. It's all sharing and group reflection and I feel completely overwhelmed and incapable. I know DH is going to get cross with me, but I just can't go. And I feel it just so damn much. THIS is why I drink, so I don't have to feel.

Oh Sweet. I don't know what to say! If it is causing u this much anxiety is it really necessary for u to be there?

Sweet poor you. You can get through this. You are immediately jumping to the 'I am rubbish, I can't deal with this' default button but it's not true it's you telling yourself.

Real try and go you will be so pleased with yourself later and will get the accreditation.

We're here for you

Morning everyone. Today I will not be drinking. I keep getting really irritable, I hope it's cos I'm premenstrual not because I'm a bad tempered witch

My thought for today is 'I will stop looking back and concentrate on today instead'

As Ruby said Sweet, we are here for you whatever you decide to do x

How are you this morning Ruby?

Hi Obrigada I'm doing ok thanks despite feeling bloated which I think is premenstrual symptoms and irritable. Luckily I'm on my own today and may pop out to do a couple of chores.

DH is out tonight, which is the usual routine and I crack open a bottle of wine about 4pm as a treat . Today I will not be opening wine and will be AF.

How you doing?

Hi babes, day 9. I'm trying not to count too much as I don't want to feel like I'm on a count down to the 31st. I'm hoping with dry January, if I do it, to reset my drinking habits. I don't want to instantly revert back to type come February.

Hi Annie I'm also trying not to focus on counting but taking ODAAT and enjoying the sober feeling.

Same here Ruby and Anne, I am counting the days at the minute for dry January but not going to continue counting days when January is over for fear if I do have a drink I will just get overwhelmed at the thought of "starting again" if that makes sense?
At work today on a cold, miserable, wet day .. aw well nothing I can do about the weather.

Morning babes,

Oh sweet I feel your anxiety, god I wish I could hug you. I can only tell you what I tell myself when people hurt me. Giving in to them and giving them headspace only gives them more power. You deserve this accreditation, you wouldn't be there if you weren't worthy. The lovely lady I see on here is smart, generous and funny so if your boss can't see that then it's him that needs the training, he can't be a very good one cos you are FABULOUS. Big hugs my lovely xxxx

Still sober here, yoga with a friend tomorrow on a sat morning, who knew!! It's a whole new world I'm discovering and it's kinda scary but someone said you should you do something every day that scares and exhilarates you and for me it's staying sober with its possibilities, our possibilities!!!!

Keep on keeping on everyone xxx

Baby, you rock

Baby how did your appointment go the other day? Was it useful?

baby I love my yoga now. Also going tomorrow morning. 8am on a Saturday! Sober Friday's are just totally the norm now. And they were so hard at first. I barely think about what will I do if I can't drink. Saying that life is a whole lot easier again now that all the festive madness has stopped
Good luck sweet. Don't let them take up so much head space. You need it for other nicer things. Like writing here. I couldn't bear the idea of group sharing and all that shit. Do you really have to be there? Shall we swing by in Gerald and kidnap you? Think of us when you're there and you will have to smile xx

Did you go Sweet? If you did then you must be half way through by now. If that voice in your head is still freaking out about you not being good enough, I would suggest some internal backchat. You have earned your place there, you have as much to offer as anyone and you are a master at dealing with challenges. All sentiments you would offer a friend I bet, just try and be that friend to yourself.

If you shot at speed back under the duvet then so what? We are all human and sometimes flight is stronger than fight. Don't use the day to berate yourself, be at least a little pleased that you made a decision to look after yourself at the time and allow yourself to relax at home.

I hope none of this sounds patronizing, I recognize that 'you're rubbish' voice and it can immobilize you. However you dealt with it, you will be ok and we think you are the bees knees

Waves to all other babes.

Thank you all SO much. Obrigada, Ruby, Baby, Soc for the support and virtual hugs. I'm afraid I give everyone head space except myself. It's taken me a little while to get myself back together, but this is how my morning has gone:

DH of course, was not cross with me, he hugged me and listened to me and was both sympathetic and practical. I didn't go. I honestly couldn't have driven this morning without putting the car into a ditch. But whilst I backed out of facing the boss (really must re-read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway), I did take some practical steps.

I emailed the course leader and asked if I could meet her next week to discuss why I hadn't been able to go. I also emailed another senior member of staff in my Faculty who is both a friend and a professional mentor - unfortunately she is overseas for a week, but we have arranged a working lunch for when she gets back. I did some small, unchallenging, but essential work related tasks so that I can feel more prepared for the semester on Monday, and I will be going in later this afternoon to do some work for a colleague and to meet with a student.

DH and I have agreed that I should go to the next iteration of the training (advantages of in-house training in education), and that we will both get the very stressful first week of term over with, then sit down and work out some strategies for me.

I told DH that I had been drinking so much precisely so I didn't have to deal with feeling this way (panicked and 'not proper'). He said it was good that I have stopped, but not good the way I was feeling, so we are moving on from there. I need to see the GP, but they don't have an appointment until the first week of Feb, unless I phone for an emergency one at 8am on Monday - which I can't do because I will be driving to work , plus, I don't really feel like having to describe my 'symptoms' to a receptionist whilst they judge if I deserve an appointment or not.

I am seeing not going as act of self preservation, I am also seeing that drinking would not be any sort of solution.

Thank you Soc for offering to kidnap me - I feel like Harry Potter on the Night Bus being saved from the Dursleys

Well thank you obrigada right back atcha.

ruby I have a lovely councillor and she has taught me that my feelings of anxiety, are only feelings, with the right mental tools I can work through them, it won't last forever. I had the beginnings of a manic episode the other night, it begins with my surroundings all getting darker, literally the light gets dimmer and everywhere in my house looks dingy and I become uneasy and feel on the brink of tears and feel sick, anxiety races through me and it's enough to send me hurtling to the shop for wine, it's ridiculous bit guzzling the first glass is like a ready brek glow but it never soups there. Anyway the other night, I kept saying In my head this isn't real, its just a feeling and if you anesthetize with wine you feed the anxiety more strength and tomorrow it will be stronger. Went for a bath in Epsom salts, slathered lotions all over, changed my bedding and snuggled up with Marian Keyes (no not that way) and sure enough the next day the house was bright and warm (and tidy cos I'm more productive) and I felt kinda chuffed, Wine witch nil pwa. This is all thanks to the CBT I've learned so it's all good ruby, unfortunately I missed the phyciatrist meeting due to having my crohn's flare up but have rearranged it.

Off for a swim and hoping to get out riding over the weekend. How's everyone spending their weekend?

Xxxx

Baby that's a brilliant description - an even better outcome. Think I'm going to taken a break from the computer and take half an hour for a walk whilst the sun is shining.

Your dh sounds lovely sweet. It sounds like you used the panic as a catalyst to address some stuff and make some practical plans. Good for you! Hope you enjoyed your walk in the sun.

sweet I'm glad your DH was so understanding. At least now you have a plan to deal with the situation so hopefully you will feel less anxious. It was sunny here this morning but it is just clouding over so I don't think I will be walking anywhere this afternoon (I guess that means I will have to do the housework after all)!!

Hello Babes.

I have wanted to post for a long time and I am just going to leave a little note for you all to say a very sincere thank you. Sometimes when you are typing, staring at your screen it seems the words go off into the ether and then just disappear but I wanted to let you know that you have helped me so much.

I stopped drinking in November 2013 and one of the major tools I used was this forum. I never posted, only lurked, but I avidly read the original thread and more around the time leading up to giving up. It was so instrumental to me to see others struggling with the same feelings and issues I had, for me to see that I could not carry on either justifying what I was doing or indeed doing it.

I used some of the techniques suggested for a while, like naming the Wine Witch, and having a comprative drink (lime, soda and ice in a stem glass in my case) - but really seeing the support and care in the thread, even if it wasn't specifically directed at me, was what really helped.

I bet I am not the only one who lurks but listens and is changed; and I did just want to share my great gratitude with you all. You never know whose lives you are invisibly changing with your bravery, humour and caring. There have been some pretty dreadful challenges in my life since I gave up drinking, but that more full-of-dread fear of my own demon is no longer there.

Thank you all so much.

hare that was a fantastic post, it is so good to hear from a lurker, especially one that has gained strength and solidarity from reading. Welcome to the bus and massive congratulations on stopping in November, sounds like you may have some of your own tips to share!

Hare what a fab post- well done for fighting the wine witch, you are an inspiration.

Baby glad the CBT is working for you.

Sweet well done on the positive next steps

Mouse sorry to hear about house maids knee, very painful I believe.