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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Husband had an affair

87 replies

Brandnewstart · 06/12/2014 00:15

The title says it all really but I need some support. I found the evidence of an affair about two weeks ago and it has taken me a while to get my head around it.

He isn't here, he has gone to his mum's for us to have some space. Apparently he hasn't been happy for two years but didn't tell me until about 1.5 months ago, by which time he had already started an affair with someone at work.

I don't know if he will come back at the moment but I am really struggling to cope. We have two gorgeous children and he has thrown it all away. He is the person who you would least expect to do this - aren't they all?

It's so near Christmas and the children have picked up on it although I am trying to hold it together for them. It is so hard.

I need some words of encouragement and support because I feel he has thrown a bomb in the room and departed.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I feel I don't know who he is but worse I don't know who I am anymore. It hurts so much

OP posts:

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 23:53

How about you make the decision, love ?

Or have you decided you are happy with being second best ? That you would accept that ?

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Drumdrum60 · 15/12/2014 23:57

Well done you for going out with friends. Not sure I would have let him have the kids yet though. He won't make a decision because he doesn't know himself what he wants. You have told him you are still waiting for him.

The best thing to do is to make your own decision and take away his power. At the moment he's got cake and eating it. I know it's hard but even if he did come back could you really live with all this hurt he's caused?

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/12/2014 07:44

What decision are you wanting him to make? Do you really want this man who "apparently" hasn't loved you for two years and has been shagging his colleague and telling himself it's all your fault?

I'm sorry he is keeping you dangling like this while he decides which lady he reckons will be more interesting for him. It's very cruel.

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Brandnewstart · 16/12/2014 20:53

Yes it is cruel and I'm not sure what I want anymore. All I know at the moment is I'm not having any answers or reassurance. Probably that tells me all I need to know .

Bloody 9 days to Christmas and the kids are asking if Santa will bring their daddy back.

OP posts:

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2014 21:21

That is tough

But wanting him back isn't the answer

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Drumdrum60 · 16/12/2014 23:56

It must be really painful but expect nothing from him. Do not give him that power over you. He won't give answers because he doesn't have any. He won't give you reassurance because he doesn't know what he wants and for the moment he knows he's got two women wanting him.
You make the decision for him. Go NC. Christmas or not . Be strong.

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Drumdrum60 · 17/12/2014 00:08

Being nice to him isn't going to work. Tell him where to go and start to feel angry not sad then you will start to take control. One of my friends did this nice rubbish thinking he would miss the home. Even letting him eat meals and occasionally sleep with her. Sometimes she would iron to make it homely.
Ridiculous. He's now been gone three years. Living at his mums but bought a big car. Prick. She still doesn't know if he's seeing OW. Oh and he also forgot to change address so she one owes thousands child credit.
Take control or this could happen to you. At the moment all he can think about is OW. So tell him where to go.

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bitofanoddone · 17/12/2014 05:23

You remind me of my friend who went through similar. The advice was tell him it is over, start to make plans and then reconsider if he begs, but she couldn't do it. It utterly messed her up.

I appreciate you need your hand holding but you will feel so much better if you seize control. If he comes back, you can decide, if he doesn't you have already started to get on with your life.

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Brandnewstart · 18/12/2014 21:17

Hi again,

He hasn't made any decisions still, at least not any I know about! I am starting to tell more people in RL and getting lots of support from them.

I am going to a solicitor to get some advice between Christmas and New Year so I know where I stand legally.

I am getting angry and annoyed now which I am finding helpful in detaching from him. He is very close to burning all his bridges. I am going to get through Christmas but I am starting to feel it really is over but my life isn't.

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Onmyownwith4kids · 18/12/2014 21:26

Please make the decision for him. It's my biggest regret allowing my ex to take his time 'deciding.' You're worth so much more than being an option. Once you take back control you'll feel so much better

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Drumdrum60 · 18/12/2014 22:24

If you want him back tell him you not an option and fake it. They usually want what they can't have. Change your behaviour and look like you are getting on with life. Anyone waiting around gets taken advantage of.

Tell him you have made the decision that he can have her.

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bananamilkshake1 · 19/12/2014 16:30

Hi Brandnewstart,

I have been pretty much where you are & the sooner you make the decision for him, the faster you will be able to move on. My ex dumped me after having an affair with OW a few years ago now. I was so totally devastated, all I wanted was for things to go back to how they were.

For the best part of 2 years he played the pick me dance. He couldn't make a decision which one of us he wanted (his wife of 12 years or some slapper off face book he went to school with!!), we went to counselling together then he would go off to see OW. We talked, went on dates & still he couldn't decide. He stalled and stalled & I just took it. In the end it felt like I was making a desperate sales pitch. It near enough finished me off.

However, I finally realised what was going on, knew I wanted to get out of there, found a house & moved out. Don't wait 2 years like I did - huge error on my part & it delayed my healing process a great deal.

My "housewarming gift" from him? a "love songs" CD & a soppy card. Please. He made his bed...

Whilst they think you are an option, it gives them a safety blanket & they are in no rush at all. The OW may be pushing but I know my exh fed her a line that I was being difficult. WTAF? My exh has since said he was seeing whether his relationship with OW "fizzled out". In the end, I made the choice & divorced him - best thing I ever did. Spineless weasel.

Sending you strength & hugs.

Banana.

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