Husband had an affair

[Brandnewstart]

The title says it all really but I need some support. I found the evidence of an affair about two weeks ago and it has taken me a while to get my head around it.

He isn't here, he has gone to his mum's for us to have some space. Apparently he hasn't been happy for two years but didn't tell me until about 1.5 months ago, by which time he had already started an affair with someone at work.

I don't know if he will come back at the moment but I am really struggling to cope. We have two gorgeous children and he has thrown it all away. He is the person who you would least expect to do this - aren't they all?

It's so near Christmas and the children have picked up on it although I am trying to hold it together for them. It is so hard.

I need some words of encouragement and support because I feel he has thrown a bomb in the room and departed.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I feel I don't know who he is but worse I don't know who I am anymore. It hurts so much

[ImperialBlether]

Why on earth are you letting him be there for all the nice things like putting up the tree and Christmas Day?

If I were you I would promptly move back to my own home town to be near my family and friends. He's got some bloody nerve, hasn't he?

[AnyFucker]

How about you take the kids to stay with family over Xmas ? Tell them exactly why and stop keeping his mucky little double life a secret. Shut him out completely. These are the consequences of what he has done.

[AnyFucker]

The kids would probably love a little adventure

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Do NOT keep his dirty little secret for him. Make sure you tell friends and family why he is not at home. And he needs to see what life will be like from here on in... so figure out a typical "contact visit" schedule and stick to it. No "playing happy families" in the house ... it will only confuse the dcs and build their hopes up. And experience in this instance will say that he will be quite happy to fuck with not only your head but your body as well over the holidays, convincing you that he is thinking he wants to stay together, only for him to go back to OW afterwards, leaving you feeling shittier. He will play on your emotions as much as possible.

He needs more time?? For WHAT?? He MADE his choice. He's played his cards. Now it's YOUR turn to choose. And if he's playing for more time, it's because he is also playing with the OW and wants to see the "pick me" dance in full swing over the holidays. Do NOT do it. To coin a phrase.. you will only hate yourself in the morning.

[Marmaladecat1]

AF is right.
Please read this thread carefully.
You are already making this really easy for him.
Stop, and read this isn't all about christmas. This is your life too

[Marmaladecat1]

What alice said!

[Brandnewstart]

With the power of Mumsnet behind me, I took control when he came to drop our eldest off. Told him if he can't make a decision then we need to separate properly and he better look for accommodation. With our financial position that's likely to be a wheelie bin.

Rang my lovely mum and dad up and reinstated their visit at Christmas. I had cancelled it because I thought it would be hard for him (yes I was being a total mug). We need to stay down here because I have booked nice trips over the holiday - my mum can take his place.

Told him he can't come back here 'for Christmas', although of course he can see the children. Told him he needs to tell them. I went upstairs and he left having written a note saying he couldn't face doing it. Fucking coward.

He is weak and a coward and I need to be strong for the children because they deserve so much more.

[AnyFucker]

Good for you, love

He "can't face telling the children"

That's the measure of the man. He should have thought of their faces as he poked the OW.

[AnyFucker]

You deserve so much more too, OP

[Brandnewstart]

Thank you. I am starting to think that too.

[AnyFucker]

This bloke has made a massive mistake treating you like this.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

if you have joint accounts, protect yourself financially.

[moomoo1967]

I agree with AF and the others and I just wish I had had the strength to do just that 12 years ago. Ex kept disappearing and I kept thinking
'once Xmas is over then I will deal with this' he walked out Xmas eve to be with his OW. Obviously the best thing he has ever done but I wish I had taken control

[Brandnewstart]

Thanks moomoo. That's what I'm worried about, that I will invest so much energy in it and then he will leave anyway. It's not an easy decision as I still love him, but it the right decision for my sanity.

I really didn't see this coming a year ago. Last Christmas he bought me tickets for a show I had really wanted to see and the year before wrote me a beautiful poem about how much he loved me... It's hard when you start questioning everything, everything feels like a lie

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Well done Brand Keep standing up for yourself! He is fucking pathetic.

[Drumdrum60]

Invest all your energy into Christmas for your family. Once did dinner etc with staying guests for twelve with two trees on my own. So proud of myself and goes to show we can do anything!
Glad you're being strong.

[Patchworkqueen]

He is utterly pathetic - you are doing everything right. Do not waver. I guarantee he will come crawling back - by then you will see him for what he actually is and send him packing (again).

All the looking back and thinking everything was a lie is just bloody horrid - don't torture yourself. Don't try and understand his behaviour - you won't be able to ever as your brain isn't wired like his. And I agree with others, tell everyone what he has done. Do not keep his filthy secret.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Yes, whatever outcome you (eventually) hope for, the important thing is to be really strong and firm with him now.

No, he doesn't get to play happy families with you anymore, no he doesn't get to 'decide' which woman he wants, no, he doesn't get to mess you around.

Wishing you all the best.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

You are me this time last year only I went into full on "pick me dance' I let my husband stay Christmas Eve and morning. Cooked him Christmas dinner on Boxing Day as he spun a pitiful tale about being on his own Christmas afternoon. It was only when I saw his credit card bill and all the gifts he'd bought her I found out he'd gone straight round to ow house and had Christmas Day with her family. He admitted they'd discussed how resilient the kids would be to divorce. He needed time too. I wish I'd had the self respect to tell him I wasn't an option. Finally I did. Divorce in court 14th January. He is astonished I have done it and says it's just a front. I've apparently destroyed our marriage despite the fact he's been with someone else for 18 months.That's how entitled these men are. You are his wife not an option. Let him have the ow if he wants to treat you like that. He'll soon be back all mournful and pathetic by which time you'll have seen what a ridiculous specimen he is and you won't want him. I hope you have a lovely Christmas in control of your own life rather than dancing around after an idiot like I did.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

That is is great advice, 4kids. I'm sorry you had to learn that the hard way

[Brandnewstart]

Thank you for sharing your experience Onmyown. I would hate to have him back for Christmas then find out after he was still messing around with the OW. It would make this Christmas a total lie too.

Although it will be a sad Christmas, at least I will be with people who love me - my parents and children, not someone who can't decide if I'm good enough or not.

Thank you all your posts are so helpful.

[Patonthehead]

Op, I am in much the same boat, having told asked himself to leave five weeks ago. It is hard to know how to deal with Christmas, and while I want the best and most fun day possible for the children (I've four aged 8 and under), I don't want to spend the day with gritted teeth and clenched fists.

Best of luck to you - wishing you strength and courage.

[Brandnewstart]

And you Paton. I think this Christmas will be hard, I am aiming to get through it with a lot of help from Bucks Fizz!!! Thankfully I have got most presents already - another of my irritating habits apparently, being prepared for Christmas too early!

I told the children today as they have been off school. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do but felt I couldn't put this mask on for another two weeks and as he isn't coming home they were are going to figure out something was wrong.

He came round later as I had to take my eldest child out to an appointment and then he had to stay infor a delivery. I was quite calm until they went to bed then I did end up telling him exactly what I thought of him and what he's done. Not very constructive. Need to paint on my 'I don't give a shit face' next time.

He is very quickly losing me by being so weak and indecisive. I thought he was a better person than he is being.

[OnlyWantsOne]

Just wanted to say I think you're being fab. Little steps and keep going. Plan a wonderful Christmas with your parents -the children will have a lovely time :)

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I think in some cases it is very true that it's not the infidelity that wrecks the marriage, it's how the cheater acts in the aftermath. Seems to to be the case here. I am sorry he is turning out to be such a poor specimen, OP.