Husband had an affair

[Brandnewstart]

The title says it all really but I need some support. I found the evidence of an affair about two weeks ago and it has taken me a while to get my head around it.

He isn't here, he has gone to his mum's for us to have some space. Apparently he hasn't been happy for two years but didn't tell me until about 1.5 months ago, by which time he had already started an affair with someone at work.

I don't know if he will come back at the moment but I am really struggling to cope. We have two gorgeous children and he has thrown it all away. He is the person who you would least expect to do this - aren't they all?

It's so near Christmas and the children have picked up on it although I am trying to hold it together for them. It is so hard.

I need some words of encouragement and support because I feel he has thrown a bomb in the room and departed.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I feel I don't know who he is but worse I don't know who I am anymore. It hurts so much

[bananamilkshake1]

Hi Brandnewstart,

I have been pretty much where you are & the sooner you make the decision for him, the faster you will be able to move on. My ex dumped me after having an affair with OW a few years ago now. I was so totally devastated, all I wanted was for things to go back to how they were.

For the best part of 2 years he played the pick me dance. He couldn't make a decision which one of us he wanted (his wife of 12 years or some slapper off face book he went to school with!!), we went to counselling together then he would go off to see OW. We talked, went on dates & still he couldn't decide. He stalled and stalled & I just took it. In the end it felt like I was making a desperate sales pitch. It near enough finished me off.

However, I finally realised what was going on, knew I wanted to get out of there, found a house & moved out. Don't wait 2 years like I did - huge error on my part & it delayed my healing process a great deal.

My "housewarming gift" from him? a "love songs" CD & a soppy card. Please. He made his bed...

Whilst they think you are an option, it gives them a safety blanket & they are in no rush at all. The OW may be pushing but I know my exh fed her a line that I was being difficult. WTAF? My exh has since said he was seeing whether his relationship with OW "fizzled out". In the end, I made the choice & divorced him - best thing I ever did. Spineless weasel.

Sending you strength & hugs.

Banana.

x

[Drumdrum60]

If you want him back tell him you not an option and fake it. They usually want what they can't have. Change your behaviour and look like you are getting on with life. Anyone waiting around gets taken advantage of.

Tell him you have made the decision that he can have her.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Please make the decision for him. It's my biggest regret allowing my ex to take his time 'deciding.' You're worth so much more than being an option. Once you take back control you'll feel so much better

[Brandnewstart]

Hi again,

He hasn't made any decisions still, at least not any I know about! I am starting to tell more people in RL and getting lots of support from them.

I am going to a solicitor to get some advice between Christmas and New Year so I know where I stand legally.

I am getting angry and annoyed now which I am finding helpful in detaching from him. He is very close to burning all his bridges. I am going to get through Christmas but I am starting to feel it really is over but my life isn't.

[bitofanoddone]

You remind me of my friend who went through similar. The advice was tell him it is over, start to make plans and then reconsider if he begs, but she couldn't do it. It utterly messed her up.

I appreciate you need your hand holding but you will feel so much better if you seize control. If he comes back, you can decide, if he doesn't you have already started to get on with your life.

[Drumdrum60]

Being nice to him isn't going to work. Tell him where to go and start to feel angry not sad then you will start to take control. One of my friends did this nice rubbish thinking he would miss the home. Even letting him eat meals and occasionally sleep with her. Sometimes she would iron to make it homely.
Ridiculous. He's now been gone three years. Living at his mums but bought a big car. Prick. She still doesn't know if he's seeing OW. Oh and he also forgot to change address so she one owes thousands child credit.
Take control or this could happen to you. At the moment all he can think about is OW. So tell him where to go.

[Drumdrum60]

It must be really painful but expect nothing from him. Do not give him that power over you. He won't give answers because he doesn't have any. He won't give you reassurance because he doesn't know what he wants and for the moment he knows he's got two women wanting him.
You make the decision for him. Go NC. Christmas or not . Be strong.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

That is tough

But wanting him back isn't the answer

[Brandnewstart]

Yes it is cruel and I'm not sure what I want anymore. All I know at the moment is I'm not having any answers or reassurance. Probably that tells me all I need to know .

Bloody 9 days to Christmas and the kids are asking if Santa will bring their daddy back.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

What decision are you wanting him to make? Do you really want this man who "apparently" hasn't loved you for two years and has been shagging his colleague and telling himself it's all your fault?

I'm sorry he is keeping you dangling like this while he decides which lady he reckons will be more interesting for him. It's very cruel.

[Drumdrum60]

Well done you for going out with friends. Not sure I would have let him have the kids yet though. He won't make a decision because he doesn't know himself what he wants. You have told him you are still waiting for him.

The best thing to do is to make your own decision and take away his power. At the moment he's got cake and eating it. I know it's hard but even if he did come back could you really live with all this hurt he's caused?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

How about you make the decision, love ?

Or have you decided you are happy with being second best ? That you would accept that ?

[Brandnewstart]

Tough weekend. Kids went to sleep over with him sat night. I went out for a few drinks with a friend which was ok but coming back to an empty house was so hard.

He still hasn't managed to make a decision, I cracked and asked him last night. I shouldn't have but I couldn't keep it in. They are both back in work today so it was tough. My recent smoking habit went up 100%!!

Well I suppose tomorrow is another day.

[Brandnewstart]

Thank you for the support and telling me I am doing the right thing. It's harder but not as hard as being with someone who doesn't love you... At least not enough to make it work.

[Johnogroats]

Good for you OP.

Last year in October my DB found out his W was having an affair. He hoped to work things out...but she had other ideas.

They had a fake Christmas pretending all was ok for the kids. How hideous was that? She spent most of the time being a bitch and texting the OM, while DB cooked the dinner for all the family, her, 3 kids, PILs, and her sis. When they finally told the kids, one said, "oh mummy will have to learn to cook."

You are doing the right thing. X

[Drumdrum60]

Fake it till you make it! The mans a fool. Try not to see him. You tell him when if you have to.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Well done, brand new, keep on keeping on...

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

[Brandnewstart]

Ok day today as busy at work but the school concert nearly broke me as we had to go together as we had got tickets before I found out. One of the songs was particularly poignant.

I told the kids on Monday that he was having time out - from me not them obviously. I regret that now but they would have worked it out as he wasn't coming home. The little one had picked up on it and wasn't very surprised to be honest. The big one was more upset.

Having a little cry now but had a lovely dress on to today and makeup so felt good about myself. It is so hard but keeping going.

[bitofanoddone]

Sadly i think he wants to finish with you but can't bear to break up the family. It's time to square your shoulders, tell him that he's had enough time and plan for your future seperately.

Get your parents down. Invite him over for an hour with the kids and then send him back to his mum's. Be civil and polite. Try not to cry.

Tell the kids his mum is ill or something and then tell them the bad news after christmas. Go back with the parents for a week?

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

And his poor mum- she must have been asking and asking him - and he just carried on lying/blaming you.

Grrrr.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He is absolutely dreadful, blaming you for his going to his mums, not telling his mum, just being a complete and utter cowardly weasel.
And what a twat to have unprotected sex....did he want to impregnate her or what...

You however are wonderful. I imagine you are feeling shit- you know you will get over it though. He just IS a shit.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

You're amazing. You have been so strong and see through all his pathetic behaviour so quickly. It is hard being a single parent but it gets better and it's such a good feeling to feel in control of your life. You're doing brilliantly.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Well done Op. You've handled it well.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Better alone than badly unaccompanied. A cliche, but true