Husband had an affair

[Brandnewstart]

The title says it all really but I need some support. I found the evidence of an affair about two weeks ago and it has taken me a while to get my head around it.

He isn't here, he has gone to his mum's for us to have some space. Apparently he hasn't been happy for two years but didn't tell me until about 1.5 months ago, by which time he had already started an affair with someone at work.

I don't know if he will come back at the moment but I am really struggling to cope. We have two gorgeous children and he has thrown it all away. He is the person who you would least expect to do this - aren't they all?

It's so near Christmas and the children have picked up on it although I am trying to hold it together for them. It is so hard.

I need some words of encouragement and support because I feel he has thrown a bomb in the room and departed.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic but I feel I don't know who he is but worse I don't know who I am anymore. It hurts so much

[Brandnewstart]

Yes you're right. I would have been able to have worked through the affair, or given it a bloody good shot, it is all this rubbish I don't have time for. He should be begging me for another chance, not moaning that he doesn't know what he wants.

I have got some good opportunities coming my way in terms of work so I need to focus on me and the kids, I don't have time to try and sort out his head too!

[Vanillepudding]

In a way he's done you a favour. I bet he's surprised you didn't beg him to stay/pick you.
You will have a fabulous Christmas, you deserve so much more than this.

Well done for keeping a level head about work too.
Get a crate of Bucks Fizz.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

You are one impressive woman.

[Stripyhoglets]

He won't have been unhappy for years, your previous happy Christmases weren't lies - he will have become unhappy as soon as he realised he had another option - as others have said they always say that - gives them permission to be unfaithful. You can make the decisions now even if he doesn't like those decisions.

[whateverloser]

My dh left seven months ago. We have five children, the youngest was ten weeks old. I have been through every emotion under the sun and still have days when I feel grief stricken. However, it does get easier. It sounds a bit glib now probably, but it is true. It is a process and there will be good days and bad days; days when you love and miss him and days when he makes your skin crawl. It is a matter of head down and get on with it. There's no choice is there? Work was my saviour- being busy and without my children I have no idea how I'd cope. It has taken me months to realise you have to let them go and move on. It is hard and unknown but no one should be second best. You know in your heart that you are far superior to this OW- as I am to the delightful person my exdh has ended up with. None of us needs an egotistical coward to reaffirm our worth- look at your children and think- they are beautiful people because of me. And he can f* off!

[Wonc]

Well done to you.
You are worth so much more that Mr Indecisive Twat.
Take control. It will make you feel better and drive Twat crazy.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Whatever that's such a good way of putting it. Mine is an egotistical coward too. I think when you're going through this a big part of trying to cling on to them is they take away your past as well as your future. I look back on all the moments he was declaring undying love, wedding day, birth of children and it's all tainted by the idea that actually his attachment was really so shallow. I had my husband crying yesterday the reality of divorce has hit him. But I listened to what he said. He's ruined 'his' life, 'he' is so miserable, didn't realise what he had etc, etc. it's still all about options and choices. He made the wrong choice but I now know he's the sort of man who's always looking around to see if something better is around ( like those people you talk to at parties scouring the room for a better networking opportunity who as a consequence are never fully engaged in the conversation they're in ) nobody wants to believe they've had kids with someone like this. That's why we're manipulated by them, the investment has been too great to just throw away. It's hard to gain perspective when you're in the midst of it. It was the wise words of regulars on here like AF and Cog who helped me see all the words mean nothing. Start looking at actions. It's amazing that you've gained such clarity so early on in this. I can see that it's his loss not yours. He's the one risking a lovely home and family for a pathetic ego massage. Earlier comment saying it's not the affair but the behaviour after is so true. It's hard work to repair the damage done and for people who've run away into fantasy affair land in the first place are often the sort for whom hard work is not an option. It's terrifying starting again, facing the new reality of being a single parent. Your whole reality is rocked. But life without a snivelling coward will in the long run be so much better.

[wannabestressfree]

I don't want to sound patronising but wow four kids. The op needs to listen to you and follow advice. I think reading both your posts through you are both strong ladies x

[Brandnewstart]

Thanks again, especially for sharing your experiences. Finally admitted to me today that they didn't use protection one time so my cystitis might be more sinister than I thought. Fucking twat.

I also had to speak to his mother re child care and she was crying asking me what was wrong so I told her. He wasn't happy that I told her but he's had over a week to tell her himself. It's ample time to say 'I am cheating shit who doesn't care about my marriage' surely?!

I can fully understand the egotistical coward act too. Said to me it was me who wanted him to have space, me who wanted him to leave. I just said you decided to leave when you had an affair, maybe not physically but mentally you checked out.

So many lies, so much cowardice. I am hurt beyond belief but I deserve better than a weak man who doesn't care enough to man up.

Shattered as the kids have been up in the night, both unwell. Times like this I realise how hard it is being on your own.

[Drumdrum60]

Have been reading your posts and thinking wow you grow stronger everyday. Good for you telling his mum. Bit of a reality check won't do him any harm. The fact that he is trying to blame you in anyway is repulsive and shows what a mind fuck he is.

[Drumdrum60]

BTW your reply to him was strong and assertive the way it should be.

[whateverloser]

Yes it is hard but not every day. I know exactly how you feel and I can say honestly that take it day by day and it will gradually get easier. You won't realise it at first then you'll notice that a day has gone by and you haven't cried. I still tell myself, that I have been rejected by one person only- not the whole world. I have to remind myself that he doesn't define who I am. I was guilty though of being too caught up in my family and neglected me for years. It takes time to remind yourself of who you are. Treat yourself if you can, when you feel up to it. Don't rush it though- one day at a time.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Better alone than badly unaccompanied. A cliche, but true

[badbaldingballerina123]

Well done Op. You've handled it well.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

You're amazing. You have been so strong and see through all his pathetic behaviour so quickly. It is hard being a single parent but it gets better and it's such a good feeling to feel in control of your life. You're doing brilliantly.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He is absolutely dreadful, blaming you for his going to his mums, not telling his mum, just being a complete and utter cowardly weasel.
And what a twat to have unprotected sex....did he want to impregnate her or what...

You however are wonderful. I imagine you are feeling shit- you know you will get over it though. He just IS a shit.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

And his poor mum- she must have been asking and asking him - and he just carried on lying/blaming you.

Grrrr.

[bitofanoddone]

Sadly i think he wants to finish with you but can't bear to break up the family. It's time to square your shoulders, tell him that he's had enough time and plan for your future seperately.

Get your parents down. Invite him over for an hour with the kids and then send him back to his mum's. Be civil and polite. Try not to cry.

Tell the kids his mum is ill or something and then tell them the bad news after christmas. Go back with the parents for a week?

[Brandnewstart]

Ok day today as busy at work but the school concert nearly broke me as we had to go together as we had got tickets before I found out. One of the songs was particularly poignant.

I told the kids on Monday that he was having time out - from me not them obviously. I regret that now but they would have worked it out as he wasn't coming home. The little one had picked up on it and wasn't very surprised to be honest. The big one was more upset.

Having a little cry now but had a lovely dress on to today and makeup so felt good about myself. It is so hard but keeping going.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Well done, brand new, keep on keeping on...

[Drumdrum60]

Fake it till you make it! The mans a fool. Try not to see him. You tell him when if you have to.

[Johnogroats]

Good for you OP.

Last year in October my DB found out his W was having an affair. He hoped to work things out...but she had other ideas.

They had a fake Christmas pretending all was ok for the kids. How hideous was that? She spent most of the time being a bitch and texting the OM, while DB cooked the dinner for all the family, her, 3 kids, PILs, and her sis. When they finally told the kids, one said, "oh mummy will have to learn to cook."

You are doing the right thing. X

[Brandnewstart]

Thank you for the support and telling me I am doing the right thing. It's harder but not as hard as being with someone who doesn't love you... At least not enough to make it work.

[Brandnewstart]

Tough weekend. Kids went to sleep over with him sat night. I went out for a few drinks with a friend which was ok but coming back to an empty house was so hard.

He still hasn't managed to make a decision, I cracked and asked him last night. I shouldn't have but I couldn't keep it in. They are both back in work today so it was tough. My recent smoking habit went up 100%!!

Well I suppose tomorrow is another day.