Don't tell me to chill out!

[Hotsausages]

My OH is really starting to get on my nerves telling me to chill out! I'm 17+5 weeks and had a fairly good pregnancy so far. Although I am finding it hard to get comfy at night. I told me partner about this and his response was "you need to just chill". Also when I tell him I have cramps he says the same thing! I had a small bleed last week and he rushed out of worked to come to the hospital with me, when we found out everything was fine he said "you need to chill" I got very mad and said "it's not that bloody easy to just chill" his response then was "yes it is easy just relax"! Don't think he has quite come to terms with the fact I'm growing another little human inside me!! AIBU to be upset about this? ALSO!! He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him!

I'm finding it hard to explain the situation properly now.

Hotsausages I'm worried we're going to scare you off!
The comments about him, and calling you where you seem contradictory, aren't done with meanness but because people care, and many have been in situations that haven't been great!

I think you've planned a baby too soon, but you know what? So did I. At 34 I should have waited longer.

We are, on here, a bit of a collective voice of experience!

For now - be clear with him what is acceptable. Don't give up your independence (e.g. leaving work after mat leave). If you're not working currently, maybe think about training courses. Don't pin all your hopes on him growing up when baby arrives, it's usually the opposite. Don't make excuses for his baby. And post on here any time you want to talk something through.

I do think you can get an overwhelming response on here sometimes, but truly - it is because people care.

I think you're explaining it better than you realise. We get it that you think this is a good guy who has made big changes for the better... don't worry. However, your opening post was clearly the result of huge frustration and exasperation about this person that doesn't appear to care very much, dismisses your needs very casually and regards pregnancy problems as a big fuss over nothing.

Context is everything and, whether you intended to or not, the answers you're giving to the various questions are painting a picture that maybe you didn't appreciate or don't feel comfortable about. That's why I and others are asking them.

Excuses for him, that should say!

Red flags everywhere and lots of excuses and back peddling.

You've been together 18 months. You've never lived alone together. You know the guy, but you can't know him "properly" in these circumstances. It's early days. Keep your independence and support from family and friend. You might need it. Create some firm boundaries in your mind now about what you will and won't accept from your boyfriend when the baby is here. Leave if he breaks them. If you don't formally create them you risk going down a "slippery slope" and things being serious before you realise what's going on.

Good luck.

Thank you Cabrinha I understand. I don't work at the moment but I have qualifications and will be easy for me to get back into work after baby arrives. Maybe it is best for us to get our own place as soon as possible. Then him and his mother won't be under each other's feet and will grow respect for each other. My and his relationship is really good. Yeah I know I jumped in too quick but since I was forced into an abortion at 14 I have always felt so guilt and wanted a baby. I found a man, seen him turn his life around for me, fell in love and wanted everything waaaay to quickly. But it's happened now and I do honestly think it's scared him abit and he doesn't know how to act. I told him I don't like drugs, he cut down and is close to quitting, told him I didn't like him going out every weekend, he stopped, told him I won't put up with his shouting, he stopped. It's just a difficult situation with him and his mother. If I truely thought he was a bad person I would walk away.

I'm sorry about the abortion. You really don't have to feel guilty about that. You can feel angry, sure, that you were forced into it. Sad about the baby you lost, too - even if you would have chosen abortion if not forced, you can feel sad.
But please please please - not guilt.

I know that drive to have another baby. I had a miscarriage before my daughter and honestly, I was so driven to be pregnant again that I was blind to the shit in my marriage. And I was certainly old enough to know better! It isn't even that I turned a deliberate blind eye. I didn't properly process it, because my head was on getting pregnant again.

It might explain too why you're anxious in pregnancy. An abortion is hard to go through. Have you had the chance to speak to anyone? Did you tell your midwife about it at booking in? You can tell her if you think you need to talk it through professionally. I think it might help, if you're still carrying guilt 6 years on.

I did speak to a councillor about it 2 years ago. I had a very abusive step dad and it all got on top of me and I did something stupid. Anyway after all that I was on anti depressants and had a councillor and met my OH and my life brightened up a hell of a lot. That is probably why I jumped in to having a baby so quickly. My partner always listens when I speak about my past and supports me about it. This is what I mean, is has always been supportive, but the fact he is having a child himself has got to him. And I'm thinking he's a no confused and stressed. I just don't know what to say to him to explain things

8 years on

My local Sure Start centre had a younger dad's group, I think - does your one have anything similar?

He really doesn't sound like someone who is scared about fatherhood. He sounds very blasé in fact.

Just keep your wits about you. You've been around some very bad relationships in your past - your stepdad, the abortion situation, and in the early days your current boyfriend.

Perhaps you're lucky and he's a diamond waiting to shine. Perhaps he is fucking lucky that you've bothered with the polish! But look... most people wouldn't have put up with the shit in the first place. That's why people are worried about you, because unfortunately you've grown up being taught to put up with shit. Belittling you is AWFUL. And it's not a normal response to grief. Being stressy and self absorbed is... But belittling someone is far more ingrained in character. That's why, honestly, I don't think there's a diamond under his shit. So please just don't accept shit.

Forget trying to explain things. Simply tell him what you need him to do and what your expectations are. Be very specific rather than leaving things to chance. Start talking about how things are going to work when the baby arrives. Have the conversations now rather than waiting and hoping things get magically better all by themselves. If it pisses you off when he says 'chill out', then tell him that's unhelpful. If he says anything about pregnancy being a big fuss over noting, tell him his attitude is unacceptable.

Be assertive.

It is not 'disrespectful' to be assertive with a partner. If he's really one of the good guys and if he really respects you he will listen, understand and do his level best to adapt.

Thank you. I won't accept shit. I never have with him and I never will and he knows this. I will talk to him and ask him to come to a midwife appointment with me and get her to explain things to him better than I can. Hopefully that will make it clear to him that pregnancy and having a baby isn't easy. I personally think he just needs a reality check.

I don't feel as pessimistic as some of the other posters. I think that you have explained things very well, it sounds to me as though his bark is worse than his bite. Considering his life 'til now and how much he has changed already, I think by the time he grows up a bit more, he could be a good dad and partner.

The sister/mum explanation sounds reasonable.

I think that you sound strong enough to handle him, just keep doing what you're doing.

I wouldn't just bring him along to an appointment - they're often under time pressure and she won't be prepared. I would discuss it at your next appointment, about having an extra one, for this.

Thank you fairypond.

Iv already got an appointment that I made for Tuesday for a chat with the midwife about a few things so I'm going to get him to come to that. It's not a routine appointment or anything I asked for it.

Be careful of delegating reality checks to other people. I'm sure the midwife will be informative and gives him some ideas on what part fathers-to-be should play etc but the day-to-day communication and cooperation will fall to the pair of you still.

No wonder he's chilled, he's probably stoned.

He doesn't get "stoned" anymore and hasn't for a long time!

There's a lot going on, isn't there? Talk to your midwife and ask if you can have your dm at the birth as well, if she wants to.

Being told to chill annoys me too, it's very lazy. What does it actually mean? Bugger off and leave me alone? Relax? And he has no right to tell you how to feel, tired or not. He should be getting your dinner! When the baby arrives he's going to get a surprise if you're busy feeding and his dinner isn't on the table. Ever. And you need a shower. And your dinner. His dm must be very nice. Is she planning to help?

Are you on one of the threads for babies due? I found it very helpful.

The man (or boy rather) sounds like a complete idiot. You're in for a long, bumpy road OP :( You won't get any help or support from him. You'd be better off raising a baby on your own.

She doesn't have to ask permission from the midwife for permission for her mother to be there lavenderhoney, your birth partner can be whoever you choose. Some places let you have 2. Maybe look into having a Doula? You can get funding if you are on a low income.

FWIW, his age is nothing to do with it. Myself and DP were 22 when PFB was born, and he was nothing short of amazing. Did all night feeds etc. I don't buy that it's his age making him a twat. Age seldom changes that.

I'm not one to 'sell' things but my dh bought me (and read himself) the Mumsnet book on Babies and then realised i wasn't exaggerating when i said I was exhausted - until then he'd assumed women were only tired in the last trimester.

Sassy, I didn't mean ask the midwife for permission, I meant discuss that the ops partner has the idea she must be quiet so not to upset him during labour- and if she could put down two birth partners as her dp might change his mind before or during. That way they all have a choice. Some places only allow one partner, so it would be an idea to explore that and discus it before the day, or it eats away at the op she has to put her dp needs first during labour.

You say you won't accept shit, but it seems to me like you already are.

Until you stop making excuses for him he will continue to treat you like crap. I know you think you won't accept shit but I am seeing a young woman who thinks she isn't accepting shit when she already is.

I feel awful for you. I think you have a long rocky road ahead of you. He sounds horrible and you sound lovely.

You have been together such a short while, he is probably still on his best behaviour which is worrying. As time goes by you could possible see much more worrying behaviour.

I hope I am wrong, I hope that he is immature and when the baby is born he will get his act together. I hope he just needs some guidance, but I don't feel very positive about that.

And can I just say that I know people deal with grief differently but my teens lost their father a year ago and two grandparents to cancer. They are just kids but even they didn't treat people like crap over it. Sure, we had outbursts, but once with apologise after and they quickly tried to control it, and they are much younger and immature. His grief is a bullshit excuse to treating his mum the way he does.

I wish you all the luck in the word. You really do seem lovely and I hope that things change or you get the strength to leave him and eventually meet someone who deserves you.