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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't tell me to chill out!

104 replies

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 07:54

My OH is really starting to get on my nerves telling me to chill out! I'm 17+5 weeks and had a fairly good pregnancy so far. Although I am finding it hard to get comfy at night. I told me partner about this and his response was "you need to just chill". Also when I tell him I have cramps he says the same thing! I had a small bleed last week and he rushed out of worked to come to the hospital with me, when we found out everything was fine he said "you need to chill" I got very mad and said "it's not that bloody easy to just chill" his response then was "yes it is easy just relax"! Don't think he has quite come to terms with the fact I'm growing another little human inside me!! AIBU to be upset about this? ALSO!! He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him! Angry

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 05/12/2014 10:05

ALSO!! He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him

Just this.

Phineyj · 05/12/2014 10:07

I would really recommend you try to get him to some ante natal classes if you can. Your midwife should be able to give you some dates for local ones. Meeting other dads-to-be who are taking it seriously, may help. If you are on a low income you can do NCT classes on a 'pay what you can' basis, I think.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 10:08

You've only been together 18 months so when you say 'at first' and 'for the past year' in reality this is all happening simultaneously.

I'm glad he's turning his life around but don't let him rest on his laurels. He's still behaving very badly towards you and his mother and, if you let up on the basis of 'he's done so much for me already', then he'll slip back into old ways sure as eggs are eggs.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 10:08

"mostly always have".
You can still count your relationship in months, really... And yet you have the word "mostly" in there. So even after supposedly sorting his shit out, he hasn't consistently been a good partner.
We know he's telling his pregnant girlfriend "the kitchen is over there" when all she wants is a cup if tea. So he may have made great leaps from when you met - but he's got a long way to go.

As Cog says, tell him what is acceptable.

Here is a starter: tell him that he needs to treat his mum with kindness and respect at all times. Because otherwise, YOU are choosing to reach your child that way of treating people. Is that what you want?

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 10:10

"he's always respected and been there for me"

No he hasn't.

He thinks you exaggerate your pregnancy symptoms and won't make you a meal without moaning.

I think we have very different ideas of what being there for someone means, lovey.

Expect more.

scarletforya · 05/12/2014 10:11

This is a car crash. So many red flags.

bonkersLFDT20 · 05/12/2014 10:12

Is he Tom Cruise?

TsukuruTazaki · 05/12/2014 10:13

He sounds awful :(

Only1scoop · 05/12/2014 10:14

Bonkers that was my first thought....

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2014 10:18

Oh lord. I read the OP and thought "he sounds a bit uncaring but the OP sounds over anxious as well" but as I have read further down, my heart has sunk to your boots.

The fact that your DP is a weed smoking, bullying man-child who is not fully committed to you is not a minor issue OP and it will only get worse when the baby arrives

You need to do some long hard thinking.

And once again I'm going to ask - why did you plan to have a baby with a man you hardly know? I fear you are just beginning to get to know him now Sad

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2014 10:20

My boots. Not yours

Original poster
Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 10:26

Cabrinha that's what I mean, he has always been there for me up until now. At weekends he will get up and run about for me but during the week after work he just wants to get in bed and play his game. His and his mothers problems are nothing to do with this. He never spoke down to his grandma and never speaks down to anyone else. Him and his mum just have issues. Everybody who knows him thinks he's a nice lovably guy, it's just at home he likes to run things. My mum disliked him at first but as she has seen how much he has changed she has grown to like him. When Iv spoke to her about all this she says maybe he needs time for it to sink in properly. I will speak to him tonight when he gets home. I will have a serious talk with him. I do appreciate everybody's responses on here and I'm not sticking up for his actions. There's bad things about him and great things about him.

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 05/12/2014 10:28

Please god tell me this is a wind up :(

If not, you are 22 and planned to have a baby, with this abusive boyfriend??

Just how awful was your childhood that your self esteem is this low :(. It's really sad.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 10:29

Many of us have someone who just pushes our buttons.
If that is his mum for him, he either needs to sort his shit out, or you (or you both) need to move out so that your child doesn't grow up immersed in it.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 10:30

And as others have said, you can't say he was something or is something. You don't know yet. And past and present aren't that different when you've been together such a short time.

Original poster
Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 10:33

Chipping he is not abusive at all. Him and his mum just wind each other up. My childhood was pretty shit but that's only made me stronger and know what to put up with.

I do agree him and his mum need to sort this out. Maybe I should sit down with the both of them and tell them how it's affecting me and will affect the baby when he/she comes.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 10:34

"His and his mothers problems are nothing to do with this. "

Please understand. The way a man treats his mother is often indicative of the way he sees women in general and mothers in particular. What are the 'issues' he has with his mother? What has she actually done to deserve being treated like shit? ...

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2014 10:39

It's a bit of a MN cliche but poeple always say, when you meet a man, look how he treats (or spaeks about) his ex, his mother, and waitresses.

It will show you how he will treat you!

Original poster
Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 10:39

Cogit most of the time it's his mother who will wind him up to the point where he will start to raise his voice. She doesn't really say things to him in the right way, or respectfully.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2014 10:40

You mean she doesn't tread on eggshells around him like you do?

Original poster
Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 10:41

Well him and his ex ended on good terms and they was together for quiet a while. He always says to me his gran was like his mum and he sees his mum as a sister. He feels like when his gran died he lost his mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 10:43

I do not tread on eggshells around him, if I don't like something he gets told but I speak to him respectfully unlike his mother does. That's why their issues arnt getting solved. My post is about how to explain pregnancy to him an how to explain I need a bit more support.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 10:44

You shouldn't have to say things to people 'in the right way' for them to behave decently. Besides which you're contradicting yourself because earlier you said she just backed off and shut up because otherwise he would shout at her..... Hmm

What it actually sounds like is that his mother can't say anything at all without him going on the offensive. Not her winding him up but an angry man that chooses to see everything as an insult. He yells at her, he tells you to 'chill out' rather than offer support..... Do you see how his attitude to both you and his mum has a lot of similarities?

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 10:45

"I speak to him respectfully unlike his mother does"

'Respectfully' and 'treading on eggshells' are basically the same thing. This is why you're getting nowhere about the pregnancy. This isn't a problem of explanation... it's a problem of fear of getting the wrong reaction.

CheersMedea · 05/12/2014 10:48

He said "labour can't be bad as having a cyst cut out".... And he says "it's not possible for you to be tired this much"

Hotsausages I'm sorry to say that I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that this man will not change when the baby is born.

He sounds very juvenile, selfish and uncaring. He's 22 which is young but he's not 15. The comments above sound like something a little boy would say.

If he thinks as above ^ he is going to have one hell of a shock when there is a demanding baby there. And my bet is he'll high tail out of the house every night leaving you to deal with it.

You need to try as best you can to set up your life in advance so you have support around you because this man - who sounds like the last person on earth you should have planned a child with - is going to be no help.

Telling you to "chill" is really the least of your problems at this time.