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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't tell me to chill out!

104 replies

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 07:54

My OH is really starting to get on my nerves telling me to chill out! I'm 17+5 weeks and had a fairly good pregnancy so far. Although I am finding it hard to get comfy at night. I told me partner about this and his response was "you need to just chill". Also when I tell him I have cramps he says the same thing! I had a small bleed last week and he rushed out of worked to come to the hospital with me, when we found out everything was fine he said "you need to chill" I got very mad and said "it's not that bloody easy to just chill" his response then was "yes it is easy just relax"! Don't think he has quite come to terms with the fact I'm growing another little human inside me!! AIBU to be upset about this? ALSO!! He said when I'm in labour I have to be as quiet as possible and relaxed so I don't annoy him!

OP posts:

MarianneSolong · 05/12/2014 09:20

It sounds as though your partner's needs have come first. For him. For his mother. And there's an extent to which you've put him first as well. And everyone has coped.

But now you're pregnant and - naturally and rightly - your focus is on the baby's wellbeing. He is having some difficulty adjusting.

One the baby is born, the baby will be your priority. And the baby's safety, happiness, health, well-being etc should be the priority for him too. Is he going to be able to change? And, if he's not going to be able to make that adjustment, how are you going to cope.

(Could you go back to your own mother, for example - if that felt necessary and right?)

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:22

Only1scoop we re both 22. At first I was adamant we needed our own place but thinking about it I'm happy staying here as there is enough space and gives us time to save for our own place without struggling.

I think maybe I should try have a sit down and a long serious talk with him and make sure he listens. I also might book a visit to the midwife and have her explain things while we are both there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:26

Marianne I wouldn't want to go back to my mother as she has always had a very tough life and now she is happy and settled I wouldn't want to put stress on her. She is always there for me no matter what though.
I do think once bubba is here reality will hit him and realise he isn't the only one that matters. He's always had an easy life and it has always been about him when it comes to his family. Before I was pregnant he was always really nice and cuddly and put me first. Maybe he could be scared a little?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 05/12/2014 09:27

My DH couldn't understand why at 36 weeks pregnant I coulnt get down on my hands and knees to paint skirting board. I'll never forget him saying he was fatter than me and he could manage ok! Needless to say he got corrected about the difference between a baby squashing lungs and other organs and the fat he carries!

Tbh, although I loved pregnancy, I hated it as I've never felt so unsupported in my life. He was scared (which he only admired later when I pulled him up and said I needed him), his mum had just died and he didn't have a clue as (unlike when choosing a telly or something techy) he hadn't done any reading up.

Sometime we just need someone to acknowledge how we are feeling to show they've listened and to demonstrate the understand how hard it can be.

Being told to chill, is like telling somebody sad to 'cheer up', it just puts down the other person.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2014 09:35

I do think once bubba is here reality will hit him and realise he isn't the only one that matters.

If I had a pound for every woman who thought he would change once the baby came along, I could buy the whole internet.

He's always had an easy life and it has always been about him when it comes to his family

And this is why he wont change. Fundementally selfish men dont want to rock the boat, they dont want to put their needs second, so they dont.

I am sorry, I am sure you dont want to hear this but the fact is that if he doesnt give a toss now, you need to be prepared for the fact that he wont once the baby arrives. Baby up all night? Your problem, he has to work. Baby has colic and wont settle for hours? Chill, you are probably winding him/her up. Fed up with doing all of the work for the baby? He works all day, he is playing his game, he "deserves" down time with his mates, his mother did it so why cant you and btw where is his dinner?

I had one of these when I was young (well 24, seems young to me now!), he didnt change.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:35

"I think maybe I should try have a sit down and a long serious talk with him and make sure he listens"

Does he shout you down if you say things he dislikes?

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:40

He used to shout down to me and belittle me but recently he has calmed down and doesn't speak to me like shit. He has changed a lot for me. He used to smoke weed every single day and always be out with the lads but now it's very rarely he goes out and is close to giving up weed fully. He just thinks having a baby is going to be easy because all his friends have done it.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 05/12/2014 09:41

Oh and you know how he treats his mother?

Well its only been a year and a half, be prepared for him to speak to you like that too once you are in "mother" mode. Its already started with him dismissing your feelings.

He has no respect for the woman who brought him up, houses him and you and presumably your baby when it is born, speaks to her like shit and yells at her. How do you feel when he does that?

Bogeyface · 05/12/2014 09:42

Anyone else got a feeling of dread about this.

Hot, I am sorry but there are so many red flags here that its hard to count them all,

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:45

Big feeling of dread.... Sorry OP. This guy is not going to suddenly grow up just because a baby arrives. He'll dump everything on you, disappear off with his mates, his computer games and his weed and, if you object, you'll get told to 'chill out' and how you should be able to deal with it because his mother never complained.

TracyBarlow · 05/12/2014 09:45

Blimey OP I really fear for you after the baby is born. This man sounds like a complete arse.

Tackle it now. Don't ask him to help - spell out exactly what you need him to do. There can be no warning for the pain of labour. It is agonising and your reaction to it is not really something you can control, or tone down for his sake (nor should yo have to, obviously). I'd definitely consider having your mum there for the labour. If he can't be supportive when you're feeling a bit tired then doubt he's going to be there for you in the way you need during the labour.

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:45

He hasn't always been this way with his mother. His grandma died last year and they both still haven't come to terms with it and they take it out on each other. His gran was the mother of the house here. When he argues with her I calm him down and make him go and apologise which he does. He does know he is in the Wrong when he talks down to her. Like I said he used to speak to me like shit but I wouldn't put up with it and he now knows that.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 09:45

Oh dear.
Look, it is normal to be anxious in pregnancy, although not everyone is.
But your first post DID seem more anxious than I would say is "average".
But reading the rest...
Love, I think I know the source of your anxiety - it is not the pregnancy, it is HIM.
I suspect that you are anxious because on some level you have realised that this is not a man it is going to be an easy and enjoyable experience with.
You have jumped into deciding to have a baby very quickly, in little over a year. You don't him properly. Now you're getting to know him better.

Why on earth would you expect him to suddenly become a different person, caring and supportive, once the baby is here?

It is shocking how he treats his mum, and make no mistake you're in for the same treatment. As will be the baby you're carrying now.

The best advice I can give you:

Tell your midwife and then health visitor when baby is here how you are feeling, how he is being, so they can support you
Do not rush into baby #2 until you know the kind of father he is, and not at all unless he magically morphs into a better person
Return to work after your maternity leave. Keep your independence and your options open

A man who treats his mother badly does not bode well for you.

Fudgeface123 · 05/12/2014 09:45

OP honestly, he sounds like a loser. Shouts you down, shouts at his mum, smokes weed - doesn't sound like a nice man.

Does he work?

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:47

I am having both my mum and him there for the labour. And I know my mum wouldn't take his shit. When I get angry with him and make sure he knows I'm mad he listens. I didn't want to do this about the support with pregnancy but maybe it's what he needs?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:52

Fudge face yeah he works 6 sometimes 7 days a week. He doesn't shout down to me as I won't put up with it. He does to his mother because he knows he can get away with it.
Maybe I shouldn't of mentioned the weed because that's a hard subject for him. His father always smoked around him and my partner himself has smoked it since he was 14. He would buy it everyday and just sit and smoke all night. I do Praise him for cutting down as it has been so hard for him. Now he never buys it and only has a few puffs very rarely. I do know he will quit fully by the time baby is here. And he knows if he does the won't be allowed near the baby. Anyway that isn't the issue.
Maybe I have made him sound worse than he actually is here?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 09:52

Oh love just read about him shouting at you and belittling you.
And yet you stayed and decided to plan a baby with him.
You've set the bar really really low, and that worries me that you will continue to do so.

Can't you see the excuses you make for him?
He shouts because his grandmother died. Perhaps he hasn't come to terms with there being a baby...
Stop making excuses for him, and see him for what he his.

Have you ever been through shit? I am guessing YES. Did you treat everyone else like shit and use it as an excuse to do so? I'm guessing NO.

Please talk to your midwife. You should be enjoying pregnancy, and I think he really is the source of your anxiety.
The belittling, shouting, drug using compete game obsessive uncaring arsehole of a man.

MarianneSolong · 05/12/2014 09:53

I don't think conflict is great for small babies. And it sounds like there is the potential for a great deal of conflict in the months ahead.

I'm not sure what sort of parents his mates are. But if they are basically carrying on with the pub/computer games/smoking weed etc - and not very engaged as Dads - they're not the most useful role models of fatherhood from your point of view.

Only1scoop · 05/12/2014 09:53

He doesn't really want to be supportive....he wants to play his games....smoke his weed and talk down to his mother ....but will probably try and restrain the above whilst you are pregnant.

Probably a familiar set up as you mention all his friends now have children.

Confide in your mum although its probably clear to her what is going on. She will want to support you.

Do you both work?

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 09:54

He only tried to shout at me for a while until he knew I wouldn't tolerate it, waaaaay before we wanted a baby.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 05/12/2014 09:56

I expect you've made him sound better than he is. Keep talking and I'm sure we'll hear worse.

Can't you see how bad it is that he only listens to you if you get angry? In a good reltionship, you don't have to get angry to be heard.

Is this what you want to teach that baby? That one persons let's / makes the other get so unhappy that they eventually blow their top and then, and only then, do you bother to do the right thing?

I would rather teach my child to be thoughtful and caring and not let the people they're supposed to love ever GET angry.

Fudgeface123 · 05/12/2014 09:56

Read all your comments in your OP and all the others since then.

This guy will not change, I'd put money on it

Only1scoop · 05/12/2014 09:56

Hot ....you make so many excuses for him and it's so sad to read.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:57

He needs his wings clipping.... urgently. He needs to understand that, unlike his late grandmother and his mother, you are a different sort of woman and you will not be tolerating any kind of crap. In addition, you have to set out your expectations, very clearly and in words of one syllable about how life is going to look from now on. The support you need today, the expectations for when the baby arrives and that he has to start pulling his weight, cooking meals and cleaning the house etc (even if he's been at work) rather than 'women' running around him like he's God Almighty.

Don't wait until you're mad.... have a calm conversation, set it all out and make it not negotiable. Set the bar high.

Original poster

Hotsausages · 05/12/2014 10:01

It really isn't as bad as it sounds guy. Thank you for all the advice. Him and his mum both have their issues. Me and him only have minor issues. At first it wasn't nice he did talk down to me, smoked a lot of weed, and always went out. For the past year he has learnt he can't talk down to me, he very very rarely goes out with his mates, and has practically quit the drugs. We have a good relationship and mostly always have after the fort few months. He's always respected me and been there for me. My only issue here is since Iv been pregnant he has gone into himself a little and doesn't really understand about it. He really isn't a bad guy and has turned his life around a hell of a lot for me.

OP posts:

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