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Relationships

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Original poster

Undervalued, unappreciated SAHM

109 replies

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 16:35

I've worked my entire life. I worked as a teenager, even when I went to uni, I kept a near full time job going at the same time, then got a job straight out of uni and went back to work after DC1 full time. When DC2 was born, I went back except reduced it to 4 full days a week instead of 5. I hated it but got on with it as financially as we needed the income. Since then DH has had several promotions and we finally agreed that I could quit my job, which I was losing interest in, and focus on the kids and look after the house instead. Great for me, I was really excited by the prospect, giving me time to be with the kids instead of with grandparents/childminder, which I always resented.
However instead of the great family life I was expecting, I find that DH seems to resent the fact I am not bringing in any money any more. Yes we've had a few debts to pay off and have not been living the high life since I quit, but to me it's more important that I take care of family life myself and I am more than happy doing that. I don't think it's to do with financial hardship so much, as that he doesn't see the value in what I'm doing. I get the impression from him that he thinks I'm living an easy life being looked after by him and spending his money. I am hardly lunching and going out pampering myself - far from it. Every minute of my day is spent looking after the house and kids and I hardly have anything to spend on me.
Does anyone else have this issue? I just want to show DH the value of my contribution even if it's not financial. We both decided to have kids and I'd much rather one of us looked after them if we can afford it rather than us both work, pay for childcare and miss out on our children's early years. How can I get him to understand that I'd rather we live frugally but happily as a close family than have more money but spend less time together?

OP posts:

whattheseithakasmean · 04/12/2014 16:40

Could you find more balance? Perhaps DH could reduce his hours & you could go back part time? Or could you take on freelance work? Or switch roles for a while - DH could have a sabbatical while you earn.

I think that the one parent working model is not right for every family. It obviously works for some, but it wouldn't work for us.

Time to have an honest chat about shared values and expectations, I think, so you can find a lifestyle that is acceptable to both of you.

TheHermitCrab · 04/12/2014 16:44

Does your OH love his job? (I know you mentioned promotions but not how he feels about work)

You wanted to be a SAHM because you had lost interest in your job.

I hate my job, my OH loves his, and he only works 4hours a day (no wonder he loves it! lol) and I work about 45 a week. We're currently expecting our First child, and I can't afford to take all my maternity never mind be a SAHM which I would love. As my OH works less hours and I am the breadwinner (but we both earn min wage) it makes sense that it stays that way and he has more time with the little un, which obviously makes me sad :/ but that's we way things are, I'm hoping It doesn't turn me resentful either!!.

Even if he loves his job it may be hard for him to accept that you have all the home time with the children, and he's working everyday.

Jan45 · 04/12/2014 16:56

This makes me so mad, you agreed and now he complains!

Sorry but I'd think this is more about him resenting you in general, I mean what decent partner does this, just ridiculous he is making you feel like that, angry on your behalf!

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 16:58

We've both joked about him being a SAHD and it always comes down to the same thing: he'd love it for a few days, but the reality of it would bore him senseless so it would never be a real option. His job is not the kind you could easily reduce the hours of. I don't mind going back to work once the kids are both in school full time so he knows it's only temporary.
I just get annoyed with his snide remarks sometimes how I seem to have it easy. Maybe he hates his job deep down, it could be, but he's doing very well professionally and covering it up well if that's the case. He appears by all accounts very confident and ambitious. I would never be able to earn as much as him and he knows this.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 17:01

Yes Jan, I do feel it's personal resentment sometimes but I don't know why. I look around me and see so many SAHMs who seem to have a more balanced partnership and it's just the way things are, I don't see their partners irritated by the fact they are SAHMs.

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Jan45 · 04/12/2014 17:05

No my mum stayed home too and not once do I ever remember my Dad putting her down for it, far from it.

He's out of order OP, don't stand for it, cheeky git, he wouldn't last a week at home.

Iggly · 04/12/2014 17:05

It sounds like the decision to become a sahm was driven by you and wasn't a joint one. You say your DH finally agreed, you were unhappy in your job etc. Why didn't you find another job instead?

Because it sounds like you've gone into this for your benefit and while yes, your DH does benefit because his children have the best care possible, it does curtail your life and put pressure on him. So basically he works hard so you don't have to as much (I do think being a sahm is easier than working and looking after kids especially if you hate your job). Do you have a long term plan?

TheHermitCrab · 04/12/2014 17:07

I agree with Iggly

Orangeanddemons · 04/12/2014 17:08

Perhaps it's the frugality he objects to. If your life is too frugal it can be miserable.

I could give up work, and our life would be very very frugal. But not sure there's much fun in too much frugality

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 17:11

Iggly, it was a joint decision for me to quit my job, I didn't quit and expect him to support me. It was for the benefit of the family, not just me. And sorry don't agree it's necessarily easier being a SAHM than having a paid job.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 17:16

I'm only talking about my kids first 4-5 years. It's not forever. I genuinely would rather physically be there for them every day than have fancy holidays/outings. I don't care about stuff like that. But I agree my DH does like his "stuff" and to show off a bit. I don't think it's doing him any harm to see things differently for a bit. Is that selfish? Maybe I am, I don't know.

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dreamingbohemian · 04/12/2014 17:16

I think I agree with Iggly too, this doesn't sound like a joint decision where you were both fully happy to have you stay home, it sounds like you always wanted this and talked him into it eventually.

It's true that having agreed to it, he shouldn't be making snide comments. But you're probably not going to get him to be really happy about making sacrifices for you to stay home if he would be just about as happy with the kids being with grandparents/childcare.

Also he may not fully believe it's only temporary if you hated your job, what is your plan for going back and when will that be?

TheHermitCrab · 04/12/2014 17:16

"We finally agreed" means it seems like something you had to push more than once, and I agree with Iggly, from the above it would be presumed it was for your benefit just as much as the children, otherwise hating your job and the excitement of staying at home wouldn't have been part of your above post.

I also agree with what Iggly means - You'd both STILL have the same at home chores, child chores and everything that comes with it whether you were both working or not, therefore being a SAHM can be considered less stressful for both of you (but especially you) as you are not having to work AND do all the at home stuff..

(unless you would have a maid and an au pair... then I suppose that's a different story)

EssexMummy123 · 04/12/2014 17:17

It doesn't sound like it was a joint decision, it sounds more like it was your decision. - he may have agreed at the time but now he's experienced it maybe he's changed his mind - who knows, talk to him about it.

Jan45 · 04/12/2014 17:18

You don't sound selfish at all, you sound like a parent who wants to be able to raise their children until school age, perfectly normal ideal and you should be able to if you can both afford it.

Look, you both agreed, he's acting like a spoilt brat, I would find this so disrespectful and would not tolerate it, he either shuts the F up or let him stay at home.

Jan45 · 04/12/2014 17:19

No, finally agreed means they talked at length about what to do and then agreed!

dreamingbohemian · 04/12/2014 17:21

x-post sorry

but with two kids that's what, about 7 years? that is a decent chunk of time especially if after that it will be hard to go back into work.

I don't think it's selfish, but I think you should be honest about how much of it is to benefit you and not the family as a whole. Especially once kids get to be about 2 or 3ish, it's good for them to socialise with other kids in nursery. Nothing bad is going to happen them. As you say, YOU want to be for them, and you hated work anyway, so it's not really a sacrifice for you. But it sounds like your husband does feel like he's sacrificing.

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 17:23

You've got me thinking whether I pressured him into it. I didn't think so at the time and we definitely DID agree. If he doesn't like the reality of it then it's not all my fault. It's just because I know he'd hate staying at home and I love it. For me it makes sense, but I think for him it's more about money and having more of it.

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Iggly · 04/12/2014 17:24

We can pick over the words, but that's my reading of it, especially given that the DH is resentful.....

I'm in a similar position in that I don't like my job and we could probably afford for me to give up work in a few months. But I know that DH wouldn't be happy and I respect that decision. So we will find a way which suits us all albeit me changing jobs, downshifting etc etc as opposed to being a SAHM.

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 17:25

Why wouldn't your DH be happy Iggly, if you could afford to give up your job?

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 04/12/2014 17:30

My sbeh really resented me being a sahm. He tells people we separated because I refused to get a full time job! Different situation but not all men are happy or respect their partner staying at home.

Anyway if it is putting a strain on your marriage why don't you go back to work part time?

Quitelikely · 04/12/2014 17:34

Well perhaps you should offer to return to work p/t. I'm assuming your salary was a lot to lose. Have you tried to discuss it all with him?

furcoatbigknickers · 04/12/2014 17:34

He agreed, hes being a prat. Your want to be at home while children are little is perfectly reasonable. It doesn't matter whats harder sahm or wohm. Its not a competition.

furcoatbigknickers · 04/12/2014 17:35

Unless hes prepared to be a sahp.

Original poster

UnpaidMaid · 04/12/2014 17:36

Dreaming - it's not 7 years because I went back to work after both of them, and only gave up last year, when youngest was 2.
What I'm trying to figure out is why do some men resent it when others don't? Do they really think it's an easy life looking after kids/school/house/sicknesses/homework/after school stuff etc.? Maybe he needs to try it...

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