Undervalued, unappreciated SAHM

[UnpaidMaid]

I've worked my entire life. I worked as a teenager, even when I went to uni, I kept a near full time job going at the same time, then got a job straight out of uni and went back to work after DC1 full time. When DC2 was born, I went back except reduced it to 4 full days a week instead of 5. I hated it but got on with it as financially as we needed the income. Since then DH has had several promotions and we finally agreed that I could quit my job, which I was losing interest in, and focus on the kids and look after the house instead. Great for me, I was really excited by the prospect, giving me time to be with the kids instead of with grandparents/childminder, which I always resented.
However instead of the great family life I was expecting, I find that DH seems to resent the fact I am not bringing in any money any more. Yes we've had a few debts to pay off and have not been living the high life since I quit, but to me it's more important that I take care of family life myself and I am more than happy doing that. I don't think it's to do with financial hardship so much, as that he doesn't see the value in what I'm doing. I get the impression from him that he thinks I'm living an easy life being looked after by him and spending his money. I am hardly lunching and going out pampering myself - far from it. Every minute of my day is spent looking after the house and kids and I hardly have anything to spend on me.
Does anyone else have this issue? I just want to show DH the value of my contribution even if it's not financial. We both decided to have kids and I'd much rather one of us looked after them if we can afford it rather than us both work, pay for childcare and miss out on our children's early years. How can I get him to understand that I'd rather we live frugally but happily as a close family than have more money but spend less time together?

You need to get a job and an income . Looking after your children is a vital job, as is being a sahm, wohp etc BUT you have an unsupportive arse of a dh .you need to get a job so you have some choices in life.

I agree with tippytap, you need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. Explain how you are feeling, ask him for his viewpoint.

I was a SAHM for 9 years (now working part time with my DC at primary school), but that only worked because I had the full support of DH and felt valued by him.

I have an sahp and I do not understand how anyone could not like having one. I get my food cooked, the place cleaned, my baths ran for me, lie ins whenever I want and a babysitter on hand to go wherever I want. We used to be dual income earners with our first two children but I prefer this. Are you on a low income? That might be a concern that is worrying him.

That's the thing creambun, DH has a good job and a good salary so with the right budgeting we should be very comfortable. I can't say for certain because I don't have access to his bank statements but I'm sure he's making out we are worse off than we actually are. Fine if he's putting savings aside but why not just be honest with me. I know far more couples who may earn less and manage on one salary without all this nonsense. Can't help comparing our situation to others who I know, where one of them stays at home. Wish we had that sort of relationship
In any case I am being financially controlled and I hate it. If I ever wanted to leave, which I think about more frequently now, I wouldn't be able to without some sort of income of my own.

The suggestion was to have a frank conversation but instead the cycle of his unpleasant digs and your upset continues. What was communication like between you before you became a SAHP? Why haven't you had the talk? Are you afraid that he has changed his mind and the consequence of that change, is that you'll have to compromise on being a SAHP?

The decision to become a SAHP has polarised you both, he has taken to bullying to get his point across and you have taken to pleading to defend your corner. The talk needs to happen ASAP, before the seething resentment on both sides kills your marriage.

As others have suggested, If bullying becomes you husbands default way of expressing himself, an income of your own makes you less vulnerable.

Why on earth are you still pushing to be a SAHP when you have no idea about family finances and your husband is being financially controlling? The idea of being a SAHP can only be sustained if both parties are on board and despite earlier promises, he obviously is not.

Can't help comparing our situation to others who I know, where one of them stays at home. Wish we had that sort of relationship hmm

What! Which is more important, having a relationship where you can both express different wishes and work towards a compromise, or one where you get what you want without complaint?

Some people are quite happy to be the only financial contribututor to the household. And that's fine if both parties agree. I don't think I would be. Unless there was a good reason my partner couldn't get a job. People can only be non earning and rely completely on the earner with that person's agreement. I don't know what it is that people don't understand about that.

I'd call him on it, then. If you both agreed before, and he makes these digs, I'd make it clear he's the one with the problem. Passive aggressive helps nothing.

I'm not exactly pushing for it. I've found myself in this situation having agreed it with him so the fact he's not being supportive was not expected, and I don't have a plan B. I quit my job not expecting to have to go back to it. I wouldn't have quit had I known it would cause me such grief. But maybe it's a good thing because it's showing me a side to him I wouldn't have seen otherwise.