Undervalued, unappreciated SAHM

[UnpaidMaid]

I've worked my entire life. I worked as a teenager, even when I went to uni, I kept a near full time job going at the same time, then got a job straight out of uni and went back to work after DC1 full time. When DC2 was born, I went back except reduced it to 4 full days a week instead of 5. I hated it but got on with it as financially as we needed the income. Since then DH has had several promotions and we finally agreed that I could quit my job, which I was losing interest in, and focus on the kids and look after the house instead. Great for me, I was really excited by the prospect, giving me time to be with the kids instead of with grandparents/childminder, which I always resented.
However instead of the great family life I was expecting, I find that DH seems to resent the fact I am not bringing in any money any more. Yes we've had a few debts to pay off and have not been living the high life since I quit, but to me it's more important that I take care of family life myself and I am more than happy doing that. I don't think it's to do with financial hardship so much, as that he doesn't see the value in what I'm doing. I get the impression from him that he thinks I'm living an easy life being looked after by him and spending his money. I am hardly lunching and going out pampering myself - far from it. Every minute of my day is spent looking after the house and kids and I hardly have anything to spend on me.
Does anyone else have this issue? I just want to show DH the value of my contribution even if it's not financial. We both decided to have kids and I'd much rather one of us looked after them if we can afford it rather than us both work, pay for childcare and miss out on our children's early years. How can I get him to understand that I'd rather we live frugally but happily as a close family than have more money but spend less time together?

Hello OP

I'd ask him if he would be happy to spend money on childcare and if this is what he wants? Ask him to tell you the value of a sahp and also how many promotions he thinks he would have had if he was equally responsible for half the domestic responsibility and raising the dc.

FWIW, I agree with permanently above, its not for anyone else to judge.

As for people thinking being a sahp is boring/makes you boring well that's a personal choice. In 23 years I've never been bored, considered as boring or missed out on anything in life.
If you have a good relationship with your dh, interests and hobbies outside the home, physical and mental stimulation, a good friendship group, how can you be bored?
I know many couples who only spend a few hours together a week, others who see their kids for a couple of hours at night and are permanently exhausted from rounds of who, kids, and domestics. This would bore me rotten, like a hamster going round a wheel.

high value on housework though (WTAF - did you really mean that??!)

Of course I did. I'm hopeless at housework so I have total respect for people who are good at it. As far as I am concerned it is an exhausting and thankless task, but I live in the chaos that exists when it is not done properly.

"Wifework" - WTF? Who do you think does the housework, admin, remembering birthdays etc when people go out to work? That's right - the people that go to work. It's not a separate job worthy of calculating its worth. It's just life.

Pag . Are you on the wine tonight?!

You have to think who do you want to be appreciated and valued by. If your DH would rather have the extra money from you working then you can't expect him to be happy that he is the sole earner. This has to be a joint decision which suits both people otherwise resentment raises its head. And depending on how long you plan to be a SAHM for. Maybe he saw it as a short term thing.

Not yet Georgethesecond, not yet ...

You tell me, chrome, who does the bulk of it in your house?

I would say that if you dream (to be a sahm) depends on someone else, then that other person has to have a say in it. If I wanted to trek the Andes, it would depend on my DH and my family being willing to look after the kids. OPs 'dream' of being a sahm depends on her dh's long term support, as its not possible for her to do it without someone (him or the state) paying, unless she is independently wealthy, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

He shouldn't be making digs. If he has changed his mind about the arrangement he should talk about it.

Several times you have mentioned or implied that he cares about material things and "showing off". That seems snide.

It is not unreasonable of him not to want to be the sole breadwinner.

I absolutely recognise the "work" that is involved in so-called wifework. It may not be paid, but it certainly does add value.

However, I am sceptical as to how much time this stuff needs to take up, and wonder why some sahps seem to want to make a career of it. I really don't get that - I can only assume that some may feel the need to justify their role in the home for whatever reason, but if they have made choices that suit their own families, I don't see why they should have to justify anything to anyone. I suppose it could also be a question of Parkinson's law - the work expands to fill the time available and sahps spend longer on these things simply because they can.

For me, though, I struggle to accept the idea that the goal for women is to somehow win more respect and recognition for these mundane domestic tasks, so that their value is properly acknowledged. For me, it seems far more desirable for us to work towards a situation in which the burden of that domestic work is equally shared.

I struggle to accept the idea that the goal for women is to somehow win more respect and recognition for these mundane domestic tasks, so that their value is properly acknowledged. For me, it seems far more desirable for us to work towards a situation in which the burden of that domestic work is equally shared

Put that way, Snapespotions I of course, totally agree. But I do think the value of these tasks has been downgraded because it is traditionally women's work, as has child-care, which to my mind is one of the most important jobs in the world. Even secretarial work was well-paid in the days when it was a man's job.

I don't doubt that at all, coyo, but in terms of where we go from here, instead of trying to get the value of domestic work "upgraded" again, I would rather focus my energies on getting rid of the idea that these tasks are "women's work". For me, in the long term, that is far more important.

it seems far more desirable for us to work towards a situation in which the burden of that domestic work is equally shared. ... instead of trying to get the value of domestic work "upgraded" again, I would rather focus my energies on getting rid of the idea that these tasks are "women's work".

I couldn't agree with this more, Snapes. But it doesn't help OP, who is calling herself UnpaidMaid, in the here & now. She reckons her H devalues her contribution, but it is not without value.

On the general issue, it probably needs a two-pronged attack.

For him the only change is that you are worse off. He may feel the kids had lovely attention from grandparents and child minder so you being at home is little difference. He may feel that now he is working hard for not much life style. He still has his family weekends but now you can't do as much or go on holiday as you used to. The impact on him must appear negative.
I'm not saying he's right but I can understand where he's coming from. Kids do well with sahm , with nursery, childminders and grandparents. This is just a personal choice what we choose to do. It's just hard for you as your choices don't match.

Personally I think the ideal will be when we stop stereotyping the whole sahm and wohp as if either label represents a truth about either the person or their choices.

Most people I know have lives that are way more complicated than that. I as the main earner, then I was the main earner while being a wohp, then I was a Carer, then a sahm. I am not defined by any of those roles and the thing that massively irritates me is that women rock up on these boards sneering at other women and putting each other in little boxes which ultimately make life worse for everyone.

Life creates difficult scenarios where sometimes the best, or the only, or the more rational choice is for one partner to be at home.
Being at home has its pleasures and it's pitfalls - just the same as being at work.
Talking about every woman at home as some kind of fucking dilettante and every man at work as some put upon bread winning hero is about as 1950s as it gets.
Why don't people actually think about how hard some of these choices are, how nuanced other peoples lives are, and then maybe we could respect each other a bit and stop making each other feel shit to big up our own lives?

I wasn't fantastic, hard working, smart and independent when I was buying our house and then suddenly morphed into a cbeebies watching, selfish, idle twat who didn't care about DH when I stopped.

Her contribution is not without value, no. The work that she undertakes needs doing, and I'm sure she does it well.

I guess the real problem is that her DH doesn't agree that there are significant benefits in having a sahp, and so, even if he recognises what she does now, he would value her contribution more highly if she went back to work. This isn't right or wrong, it's just a matter of values and perspective.

I do have some sympathy with the DH's position. When my DH was at home, I absolutely recognised the contributions that he was making. Looking after our dd was obviously the biggest thing, but I also benefitted in terms of having to do much less around the house for a while.

However, while his contributions were undoubtedly valuable during that period, we both agreed that he would contribute much more by being at work, and that this would add more value for the family as a whole. Neither of us felt that there had been any significant benefit to dd in having a parent at home in any case, and any childcare costs would be offset by his earnings. And while I did have to take back a greater share of the "wifework" when he went back to work, I found this much less stressful than the pressure of being the main breadwinner.

I guess what I'm saying is that you can acknowledge the very real value of domestic labour and childcare while simultaneously believing that, for your own family, having two WOHPs would add more value overall.

X post with pag, I agree the stereotypes are ridiculous. And the SAHPs I know have plenty to talk about other than their children!

I agree with your post too snapespotions.

My ideal is when a family functions best by everyone doing what they can to the best of their ability to make life as easy and comfortable for all.
The less we view some roles/jobs as valuable and others as worthless, the better it is.

I agree with Snape & Coyo posts from late last night.
The real problem with housework is when both parents work outside the home but domestic tasks devolve to the woman in "the second shift".
It is also true that this association has led to them being undervalued - in the UK labour market many women are concentrated in the 3Cs - caring, catering, cleaning - which is some of the lowest paid work here but of more equal value & remuneration in some other countries.

I don't agree that it's housework and childcare that should be more valued. The tasks themselves aren't particularly valued by us.

I actually think it's what a SAHP brings to the household that should be valued.

So for us, it's that my DH has more leisure time than if he had to balance work and home, as do I!

It also means my DD has more quality time with both her parents, who are both more relaxed and happier in their relationship because of their time together.

It's also meant DH can keep his job which he loves. If he'd had to do half of childcare and chores he'd have had to give it up and get a mundane 9-5 job and a drop in wages which he wouldn't have been happy in. He certainly couldn't have maintained the job he loves, let alone throw everything in career progression as his has.

It's about weighing up how much of a drop in household income there is in relation to additional expenses there would have been if both worked, and whether that monetary value that could be gained by both working is worth the harder life, extra hours and drop in leisure hours needed by both to stay on top of things and the impact in quality time as a couple and a family.

For some, the money would be either vital or more appreciated than the non-monetary benefits to all. That fine. Just as fine is coming to the conclusion that the non-monetary benefits are more valued in some cases.

Either way, excellent communication, apreciation if your partner and complete agreement is essential to any happy relationship. If something appears not to be working, chat it through and re-evaluate and make changes as needed. Things and feelings don't always stay the same.

A reasonable compromise might be SAHP working part-time - though often hard to find pt professional work & people often end up working below their quals/skills/capacity - it's also a security for if people seperate in midlife so the SAHP has kept a foot in employment - it's very difficult to get back after 10-20 years out of the labour market. And by this I mean current skills, knowledge & confidence: it's shocking how quickly workplace confidence (more around adult interaction than job function probably) erodes even on maternity leave. I saw many examples of this on "women returnees" programmes e.g. in FE colleges.

I am resurrecting this thread...sorry, I went away, we had plenty of activity over Christmas to distract from these issues but now we're back to where we were and I think things have become worse and I need some help. Sorry I didn't address some of the posts asking direct questions before. They have all helped me think about the situation and the role a SAHP has in general, in society, or within a family.

Discussions about the value of domestic work in general is an interesting debate but I feel it's less about the value of the work that I do than the value of ME. Those who pointed out there must be more to it than a bit of resentment were right. He set off to work yesterday and said "Right, I'm off to work while you sit here and eat chocolate all day". Is that really something you say to your DW as a loving DH? Digs like that are becoming frequent and they are really upsetting me. I spent all day yesterday crying on and off and am trying not to now. That could be quite funny in a lighthearted way but it was definitely meant to hurt me and to make me feel unvalued.

He also threatened to reduce the housekeeping money to force me to control it better. If I ever ask for extra money it's not because I fritter it away, it's for essential things, that sometimes take us over the weekly budget. He can SEE what it's spent on, and it isn't wasted. Him saying that to me just says he wants to control me because the budget he usually gives me is affordable or it would be lower to start with.

Things can be difficult financially but you can still be supportive to one another, there are ways of saying things. When I ask for more money, if he can't give it to me he could say things are tight this week/month can it wait till next week/month or something. He is so aggressive in the way he speaks to me and never ever apologises if he makes me cry. I am becoming frightened of him and watch what I say to him. I can't imagine him now ever talking to me kindly, in a loving manner. That part of him is gone.

Surely this behaviour is not simply down to the fact I'm not working at the moment? Things are tighter yes, but it is not as tough as he makes out, he has a good salary or we'd never have done this in the first place. When he talks about the expensive car he's planning on buying one day I do have to ask myself if he's putting the money away for it without telling me. If he ever does actually turn up with it that would be the last straw.

I'm worried about how the way he talks to me is affecting the children. Me getting a part time job is not going to solve the way he thinks of me and treats me. We might have a bit more money, but then what? Shit, I don't know what to do.

I only just found this thread-I'm really sorry you're feeling this way and that things are shitty.

What did you say to him when he said that to you?

Thanks for replying at this crazy hour. I just said asked him if that's what he thought I did all day. I don't know whether I should be justifying what I actually do or ignoring those comments because it's plainly obvious what I do do.
A few weeks back, I don't know why I did it...I emailed him at work with a list of the things I'd already accomplished by midday, and it was a highly productive morning. I think I just wanted to show him what I do that he doesn't see. But of course since then he's conveniently forgotten all of that.
Should I prove my worth to him or not pander to his digs? He obviously wants a reaction from me saying stuff like that.

I think you're going round in circles.

Have you actually SPOKEN to your DH about this? It seems to me that he is not happy about you being at home and all the 'productive day emails' in the world won't change this.