Undervalued, unappreciated SAHM

[UnpaidMaid]

I've worked my entire life. I worked as a teenager, even when I went to uni, I kept a near full time job going at the same time, then got a job straight out of uni and went back to work after DC1 full time. When DC2 was born, I went back except reduced it to 4 full days a week instead of 5. I hated it but got on with it as financially as we needed the income. Since then DH has had several promotions and we finally agreed that I could quit my job, which I was losing interest in, and focus on the kids and look after the house instead. Great for me, I was really excited by the prospect, giving me time to be with the kids instead of with grandparents/childminder, which I always resented.
However instead of the great family life I was expecting, I find that DH seems to resent the fact I am not bringing in any money any more. Yes we've had a few debts to pay off and have not been living the high life since I quit, but to me it's more important that I take care of family life myself and I am more than happy doing that. I don't think it's to do with financial hardship so much, as that he doesn't see the value in what I'm doing. I get the impression from him that he thinks I'm living an easy life being looked after by him and spending his money. I am hardly lunching and going out pampering myself - far from it. Every minute of my day is spent looking after the house and kids and I hardly have anything to spend on me.
Does anyone else have this issue? I just want to show DH the value of my contribution even if it's not financial. We both decided to have kids and I'd much rather one of us looked after them if we can afford it rather than us both work, pay for childcare and miss out on our children's early years. How can I get him to understand that I'd rather we live frugally but happily as a close family than have more money but spend less time together?

I'm pondering the p/t thing. But it still doesn't answer what the real problem is, since we agreed for me to give up work in the first place. It's hard to talk about this stuff with him.

I have been a Sahm who was a lunching lady, a student, a working mum, and part timer and all this time dh has been in a tough long hours job that has been mentally and physically hard on him.

He has chosen to carry his job on though and is as delighted to see me when there is no tea and I have been out all day as he is to come home to tea or indeed as he was to come home to the baby sitter saying bye as I had already gone to work.

He loves us, and if his day has been tough he is happy if we had a better one. Your dh agreed but has some peevish disquiet that you are having a better time of it than he is. I am not sympathetic to him at all- childish arse, my dh looks at the happy kids and is happy. He can look at a happy wife full of cake and feel happy too. Don't you need that in a marriage

Let's not forget that you, and all SAHMs in general, are contributing to financially to the household, on a regular basis, even if it's not something as obvious as via a paycheck.

You could work out how much it would cost in childcare, transportation, clothing, food if you did go back to work, even parttime. It would probably amount to a lot.

I have been a SAHM for three and a half years and I sometimes feel my DH resents it. I think having sole financial responsibility can be quite exhausting for the person working. I feel for him.

My children are two and three and I'm thinking of going back in the New Year because although it fun for awhile, I want to be able to spend my own money without having to answer to anyone. Also I think if you are out of it too long - your skills get outdated and if you then need to go back to work it is harder.

My DH's perception of what it involves is a bit skewed he thinks it's all coffee morning and playing in the park not endless washing, meal planning and trying to break up fights or deal with poos and tantrums maybe your DH thinks the same.

Instead of second guessing one another, maybe have an honest conversation and see if he has actually changed his mind.
For a SAHP to work, both parties have to be on the same page.

Instead of second guessing one another, maybe have an honest conversation and see if he has actually changed his mind.
For a SAHP to work, both parties have to be on the same page*

I agree.

Even if both were in full agreement, you don't know how that'll pan out until it's done so there's always the possibility he's not comfortable with this.

My DH has been appreciative and benefitted from me being a SAHM but I know he felt the pressure of being the only wage earner and he's also missed out on so much of our daughter growing up.

I only have one child and do all home chores, gardening and decorating and have other things I do re earning my keep etc so he does the bits I cant and the rest of his mono-working time is leisure time.

I know even so that he doesn't fully appreciate how much time things take. As he well meaningly asks (because he's hoping I have!) if I've done my hobby that day and seems surprised when I hadn't.

How often is he in control of both of your children, for extended periods of time? I can only think he has no idea what it is actually like for you at home unless he has been in the thick of it.

Unless your children are complete angels or have very long days in childcare.

FWIW my DH strongly believes I have the worse deal than him. He works 12hr days in the city.

I've got to say I'm not a fan of the SAHM role. I was one for about a year and my husband had an affair with someone in his office who he later described as fun, ambitious and made him feel special!.....all the things I was before having a baby and becoming a SAHM. I think he lost interest in me at that point. Thats how I see it anyway.
I wouldn't want to live frugally to do it. It will only be for a couple more years anyway won't it if youngest is 3.

In terms of why some men resent it and some don't -- I think maybe you're making this too complicated.

You wanted to stay home and he eventually agreed.

But as you admit, this means going without things that are important to him.

So he feels resentful.

It's not that complicated, right? If his lifestyle was exactly the same, he probably wouldn't have any problem with it, but that's not the case.

He maybe even knows he shouldn't be resentful as he agreed to it, but the little comments come out because deep down he's not actually happy with the situation.

What IS more complicated is what you do about it. You need to talk to him and find out what he wants, then see if you can agree again.

I have been a sahp for 23 years, it was what we both wanted and we both agreed.
Even in the darkest moment my dh has never resented me being a sahm and furthermore we have raised the children, dh in particular to know how fortunate they are to be able to have a sahp.
Money has been tight and we have struggled like many working couples have, but you take the rough with the smooth.

You asked why a partner would resent the other parent being a sahp...

Well if my DH wanted to stay at home then I would resent it, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same. At the moment I'm on maternity leave, so we can see the benefits, but:
a) it's insecure. With the sole reliance on one wage, I would constantly worry.
b) due to a) there would be more pressure on the working parent to do overtime, succumb to pressure to be seen to be at their desk early and late, agree to trips, etc. This extra time away from home comes at the detriment of their relationship with their children.
c) the working parent being away can easily become "normal" in the eyes of the rest of the family. That means that the working parent being present is either a cause for excitement or dread. They can feel excluded from day to day life.

For these reasons (and more), it's not something I would consider. We are splitting childcare between us. DH was the first man in his office to request flexible working, but no one batted an eyelid.

Having said that, it is totally unfair of him to make digs. I'd tell him to speak up and say what he is thinking, or shut the fuck up. Be prepared for his answer though.

I agree with Seaweed. Having a SAHP suits some families, but doesn't suit mine or many others. The pressure on the sole earner is immense. Their one wage has to support a whole family, with no backup. In my experience, the working parent gets all the things done for them at home, but has to work all hours, not seeing as much of their children as the SAHP, or a parent who shares childcare. To be honest, as a mother of 2 boys, I wouldn't want them to have that type of relationship with their partner or their children. My DH has responsibility to take the kids to school and stays at home with them if I have to do stuff at work, and vice versa.

It may only be for a short time, but that's not guaranteed either. I am at the stage where I see SAHP's at the stage when they said they were going back to work- their children are all at school, but their their confidence is so low that they are making excuses as to why they can't go back yet. Maybe some men don't like the insecurity of that, not knowing how long the reality will last of being the main breadwinner.

I'm all for SAHPs, certainly when compared to full-time working parents, OP. However if your DP resents it, you will have to open up the conversation again.

It doesn't matter whether men generally mind, whether wives would resent it, whether it constitutes a contribution etc etc.

This has nothing to do with what normally happens - it is to do with why neither of you are communicating directly with each other.

You need to sit own and tell him that you feel as if he is being sarcastic and short with you and you wonder if he has an issue with your arrangement.
And then you talk about it.

I've been at home for 18 years. I stopped work because one of us had to. If he was ever short with me I pulled him up on it and we talked about it.

There is never an excuse for snide comments. I would be more worried about your commutation failure rather than the subject tbh.

I'm not convinced that there isn't' more to this! Unpaid maid you say in your OP that you spend every minute working on the house and the children, what does your DH do when he comes in from work? Does he take over with the children? Give them a bath? Cook dinner?

You also say that you have hardly any money to spend, do you have joint access to a joint account? Money for haircuts,clothes playmates etc

The fact that you've picked 'unpaid maid' as a username is ringing alarm bells with me! How would your husband feel if you went back to work and he had to pick up his share of the household chores, looking after poorly children etc?

Those speaking up against, have raised issues we've not had.

If both of us worked, his time at home wouldn't be leisure time and we wouldn't have the quality family time we do now, he'd not be able to switch off. Also, he'd not have been able to push his career.

Obviously that goes for me too (minus pushing my career obviously!).

Having less money is ok as we are comfortable anyway, although I appreciate we are lucky in that respect. We both feel our friends who both work have far more stress and far less time for each other so we're happy with the decision we made

Oh and if the roles were swapped, I'd be fine with being the main earner again.

1. Book him annual leave for a week.
2. Bog off to your mum's.
3. Turn your phone off.

Lots of WOHP resent SAHPs as its hard to be the only earner, to have to work rather than be free to conduct your day as you feel and to usually have to give up some luxuries to allow the other the luxury of not working.

It sounds like he was worn down to agree to this and that it's what you want not him.

Hahahaha

If lots of 'wohps resent sahms' then more of a problem is that lots of people have shit relationships where they either can't communicate or can't compromise.

Unpaid maid, I think you sound like a fantastic mother who wants to spend time with your children. The reason your husband is resentful is because he sounds like a superficial type who likes 'stuff' as you put it. He thinks more about that than his children ha I g the best start in life being with their mother. I'm with you all the way. Hold your head up high. Too many men and women sacrifice bringing their own children up because they're more interested in keeping up with the Jones and having the right badges. You said you can afford it, it's not like you're not making ends meet. Te him to think what's best for his children not his materialistic superficial self.

If lots of 'wohps resent sahms' then more of a problem is that lots of people have shit relationships where they either can't communicate or can't compromise

Totally agree Pagwatch

I'm the main earner in our house, DP has recently taken over the majority of the childcare. We both think he's got the tougher role. I do half the cleaning, shopping etc, most of the cooking, take over with the kids when I get in until bedtime. Our two are 1and 3 and being SAHP is tougher by a country mile than anything I've ever done. I thank my stars that I've got a DP willing to do the childcare.

OP, is it possible he's just trying to get you to say how happy you are or something, to 'justify' the change in lifestyle? If you are feeling sensitive, cackhanded attempts to hear you say that you're happy might come across as resentment. I can't imagine resenting the person putting all their future earnings and stability into my hands in order to look after my children. However, I really know the value and labour of SAHPing, and if your DH hasn't done a couple of weeks on his own, he'll have no clue what that means. Wasn't there some trashy reality TV series years ago in which the parents would swap being the working/ SAHP and the kids were nearly always running rings round the new SAHP while the house went to shit and they ran out of food by the end of the week...

It really isn't relevant that you know other couples where the man is happy to have a SAH partner. You aren't married to those men. I assume you love your partner, so listen to him, not other random blokes who feel differently.

Personally, I wouldn't like to work long hours for a frugal life. Surely there can be some compromise.

OP your husband's being a dick. Listen to Karasea .