My H's 'birthday weekend'

[MindReader]

My H's birthday was on Tuesday.
He is one of those people who say: 'no no don't get me anything' (quite forcefully) but then go up the wall if they don't get a fuss...
We agreed to celebrated this weekend as weeknights v busy.

We have NO money atm so the celebration is extremely modest.
On Sat am we went for lunch at Asda (told you we were broke!). It was hugely busy so I suggested one of us sit with kids and one go and order. I sat as I have a mobility problem. He was furious at having to queue as he expects me to do that. I asked him to order me a burger. When the food came there was nothing for him. He said: 'there was only 1 burger left and I knew you'd make a fuss if I had it' (?). Apparently, there was 'nothing else on the menu' he wanted. So, I asked him if he'd walk around the block to get the cinema tickets for the new release we wanted to take the kids to in case it sold out. Perhaps he might find a sandwich from the chiller that he fancied to munch on the way round?. NO.
So, we eat our lunch and it gets to time to leave so we can get tickets on time and he decides he wants Mac and cheese (for the 1st time in 17 years?). So, we are late and stressed for film. After, he huffs and puffs and is grumpy all evening and stomps off to the spare bed.

This morning I get up and cook a slap up brekkie. He snaps about everything and I ask him what the problem is so he goes up in smoke and stomps off again. Kids and I eat the 'birthday breakfast'. He eventually comes down (after both ds and dd have been up showing him the menu they've made on the pc for him ) and opens kids gifts and mine. Mine is ignored but used (new boots which are not acknowledged but put on). Rest of day is silent treatment (an hour in the car in total silence, anyone?, trip to Garden centre to see Santa in total silence anyone?). He then has another huge huff when I call him down for Roast Beef Dinner (by his request) as he was 'helping dd with hair like YOU asked'. Dinner is also in silence. He then faffs around and as soon as the kids and I are settled watching Frozen he goes to bed.

Apparantly, I am a 'mad witch'.
I am SO tired.

Oh and having caught up (sorry about that) - you know he lies. You know he says things that aren't true about you, to his family, etc - he shows you the messages just to torture you and kick you when you're down. He wants to make you think you have no support should you ever think to challenge him or leave. Why on earth would you therefore believe a word he says about 'them' taking the children?

Everything that comes out of his mouth is to scare and hurt you. There is no substance to it. Stop listening, take your babies and leave this horrible wretch.

You have children MindReader... now imagine one of them, being an adult, in your place. What would you be advising them to do? Would you advise them to stay, as you're half-planning to do?

Give yourself the best advice that you would give your children and see if that strikes a different chord for you.

Never regret not moving on sooner, it's pointless, move on NOW and you can still correct this, for your and your children. Your husband shouldn't be with anybody, least of all you and your children, you all deserve better and he needs to be alone. He's trying his best to wrongfoot you, make you feel awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed and alone, he's isolating you because nobody in their right mind would want to socialise with you as a couple.

Your children are NOT close to their father, that is an illusion. You see what isn't there because you feel guilty and are somehow trying to rationalise staying with him. Don't do that because you'll suffer horrible guilt if you don't put a stop to it. They won't lose their father if he decides to become a decent one - at the moment, there is no incentive for him to do that because he's lost nothing so carries on behaving like this.

The other reason you may be assuming that the children are close to him is because they have to watch their p's and q's and tread eggshells around him, smiling and 'performing'. They've seen you do that a 1,000 times, after all... :(

This is not what you want for them, MindReader, please do not continue to make this alright because it isn't - and your children need you to stand up for them and their childhoods, you will only get ONE shot at those and so will they - make it alright for them.

Come on now, MindReader... find some resolution and some RL support if there is anybody who can. Everybody is rooting for you...

It took me years to leave my abuser. I'm not the only one: most people take a long time, even when they know the truth about their abuser. Some repeatedly go back until they can finally leave for good. It is a mark of the extent of the abuse, not a mark of the mettle of the abused. They get into our head and mess it up, convince us we are so despicable no-one would want us, certainly wouldn't believe us. My ex is the most charming man imagineable. The entire world things he's the loveliest man to ever walk the planet.

The change when he married you, like a switch - that is a mark of an abuser, aside from all the other vile stuff you've told us about. He had you and he could do what he liked with you.

All the threats are groundless, Mind. Really, they are. You had a bad experience with your shit awful local police force, don't let that put you off.

I am a believer that no father is better than a bad and abusive father. I believe this totally, from bitter experience (both ways: as a daughter to an abusive father and an abused mother with children). I have no family, too, and I had to seek out good male role models for my kids. It was a tough job tbh - no decent men around, that I could find, anyway - but salvation came in the form of scouts! Yes! Don't laugh, it did the trick big time for my boys. It doesn't take much, you don't need the big deal: bits here and there really do do it.

Your kids, anyway, will be visiting other peoples' houses and will be astonished at the difference in the relationships between their friends' parents.

Attila

I have a friend from the neighbouring village.
Her H was a Policeman and (member of another organisation that is too identifying to say).
Well liked.
She was always dishevelled and tearful and folk felt sorry for him and the kids.
He has finally been exposed but she almost had a breakdown and there are still plenty who don't believe her even though he is now in custody.
Her life is different, but I don't know if it is better.
She got very little 'official support'.

This is not to say I shouldn't leave.
But it is recent local experience and it makes me very nervous.

This scares me.
The practicalities scare me (finding a landlady to take on a 'benefits mum' isn't easy.) I live in the middle of blardy nowhere and now don't even have a car (and I cant walk far).
The kids short term upset scares me.

Doesn't mean I wont do it. But I am scared.

Mind... Every woman's experiences are different and it's not always possible to draw similarities even. You can't help that lady, you need to help you and your children and that's your focus, only there.

What you've got to concentrate on now is what resources you can gather to you. What advice can you get? Can you ring WA and start there? Just that, for today - one phone call. They will help you get together a list of your priority tasks and you can just chew through them one at a time.

Something to do everyday... it will empower you so much you won't recognise yourself.

Nobody will ever tell you that this is easy, it isn't. But it's a hell of a lot easier than staying and putting up with what you are currently putting up with. You hold very many more cards than you think you do...

What your friend has shown here also is that anyone (even a policeman, "well liked" and a "pillar of the community") can be an abuser behind closed doors. Abuse is no respecter of persons, it cuts across all creeds and backgrounds. Even though she has been put through the wringer he is now in custody. So what if some other people do not believe her, people like that are really not worth bothering about or given the time of day. They will soon find someone else to gossip about.

You're scared you write.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do consider speaking to the constabulary in your nearest town, they have domestic violence units these days and you need to make yourself heard. You are not as isolated as you think you are.

This from lying is an excellent suggestion for you:-
"What you've got to concentrate on now is what resources you can gather to you. What advice can you get? Can you ring WA and start there? Just that, for today - one phone call. They will help you get together a list of your priority tasks and you can just chew through them one at a time".

One task at a time.

Where you're living now is not ideal at all (BTW was that his idea initially to move to somewhere so rural?), moving is a must do ultimately as well.

Leaving is hard but staying within this is a lot bloody harder and could ultimately put you in an earlier grave.

When my relationship was at this stage a friend gave me a very gentle talking to. She said that sometimes a relationship is terrible, and you know it's terrible and it has to end. That doesn't mean that you have to immediately pack your bags, or start telling everyone the ins and outs to get your side of the story out.

It's enough for now that you are honest with yourself about the future of your marriage. If you acknowledge privately that its over and not what you want, you can start to explore other options. It will make it easier to bear if you know its not forever.

Obviously you can't both continue to live in the same small community , I left the county and refused to go back to it while my ex still lived there. A lot of the villagers who I thought liked me did give me the cold shoulder when they foundout I was leaving. Injury thought to myself "fuck it, if you think he's do great, you move in with him".....when he showed them his true colours in the weeks after I left there were a few attempts at conciliation but bollocks to interfering judgemental villagers. You can't live your life worried about what other people think.

My son blossomed and flourished once we moved out.

What do you mean by 'official support'? If you mean the police then, no, she was bringing charges against one of their own, a well-liked policeman. It shouldn't be like that but it is.

Did WA come alongside her? Is there a FP in your area?

You do this a step at a time. You meet people who understand (yay for your friend.... iyswim), they give you tips, support, understanding, encouragement.

I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship. She had sight problems, would never be able to drive. Guess what, they lived up a bloody mountain (his idea). She was completely dependent on him, which is how he wanted it.

I don't know what happened to her, we lost touch (her choice). But I do know that she struggled to let go of their very wealthy lifestyle. Thank goodness, you don't have that consideration!

Does your friend have kids? You need to meet people who have done it and have a very improved life on the other side. I'm one! I know hundreds. There are a fair few on here, too.

Are you registered disabled? DLA etc? You may be able to get accommodation and a car, if so. I wonder about getting in touch with disability orgs who should be well-up on abuse towards the disabled (WA would have all this info).

Could the woman you just wrote about become an ally, or resource, for you? I've even read of women who decide to share a household to provide childcare cover for each other, and have support while going through a tough time. Is something like this possible? Where could you move? Scary as it seems, right now anything is possible!

Sorry, I got sidestracked with the story about my friend...

You get in the system, the DA (domestic abuse) system eg WA, FP. You meet people - either in the same position or experts; you get information, you face your fears one by one (most of them are unfounded), you get vital information about domestic abuse, how it works, who does it and why. It is tremendously empowering - it doesn't happen overnight.

Have you look at the Freedom Programme site? Is there a group near you? Something has to start this off, as you're so strapped at present. Burrow away with WA and hold on until they provide the support/info/intervention you need. They will carry you.

Hi there ! Hope you're managing to take all this in. You must feel overwhelmed. Do little things everyday to make yourself feel happier and more in control. One tiny step at a time. Tell us how you're feeling. Start to detach so he can't bother you with his PA. Start taking care of yourself too not just the dc. Bubble baths. TV. Friends. You sound so funny and smart. Wish I lived around the corner. Hugs.
I was brought up by a single parent. Poor but with a really congenial atmosphere. A relief after he left.

Have you got any extended family that you could relocate to be nearer to?

TBH he is very abusive towards you emotionally and financially, presumably you are in part physically reliant on his help to - ask Womens Aid to help you even if it means going into a hostel.

No family, Random. That's one of the reasons OP is finding it hard to make the break.

A hostel may not be the thing but a refuge would give you the break you all need. You'd definitely be a candidate (and they're nice places) xx

I realised there was no immediate family but wondered if there were some more distant family that could be given as a reason for settling a new location to the council.

I meant a refuge - oops, tbh I think it would be wonderful after putting up with the daily nastiness of the current situation.

Keep posting OP - Mumsnetters will help you.

Thanks, CrissCross

No, no family.
(family of origin pretty awful tbh which is why my defences were down when I met him. His family are pretty inadequate.).

last night he was all nicey nicey which is always the pattern after a really bad weekend.
He just told me he is off work soon. Dreading it.
Whole house needs sorting and cleaning and decorating for Christmas.
But there is no question we'll be able to work together to do this.
There will be huffs and sulks and dramas that I am 'bullying him' and not letting him 'do it his way'.
Yet, if I went away for the week and left him to do it, he wouldn't.
He only has 3 days off over Xmas but that leaves me with over 2 weeks to entertain the children with no car or money. A bit scarey. I cant walk very far and there isn't much public transport here. I have no garden either (not that it would be much use this time of year however!).

I am going to start looking at rentals online again.
This time though, I've no car to go see them unless he lends me his at the weekends (and will look after the kids while I do it).

The woman I wrote about has left the area.
She got very little support from the local community, including the children's school. HT is still commenting about 'what a nice man' he was and 'how surprised she is that he has been accused of such things' (convicted actually).
I live in the Badlands.

Sorry this is rambly.
I do feel overwhelmed.

I do appreciate the support.
I will try to keep going one day at a time and see what I can accomplish over the next few weeks.
I don't want to keep going on living in this way (NOT a 'I don't want to live' statement - but an 'I don't want to live like THIS' one!).x

Just waving and thinking of you op. How are things today ? Have you decided on anything that you think you might be able to do today ?

Nothing in your league, but I have just done something that I haven't been able to/been too afraid to do, for years. It went really well and I feel on top of the world. I was panicking, thinking of ways to back out, but I kept saying to myself these are just thoughts, carry on, carry on, what's the worst that can happen ?

Keep posting, let us know you're ok.

I have just looked at another 'staying together for the kids' type thread.

There are discussions about 'shared parenting' with a '50:50 split being the norm these days'. I don't think that would work at all?

I couldn't do that.

Keep going towards Xmas. But ignore the fool and do one thing at a time. Thinking of you. Keep posting.

A quote I really like: 'Fear is a mile wide and a mile high and paper-thin.'

In other words, many of these massive things that feel overwhelming and impossible to even begin to think about will just tear and crumble away when you step through them.

Good luck.

Mind - you know you can't stay together for the kids. You need to keep yourself together and it sounds like that's becoming harder for you.

From what you've said I can't see your dh wanting 50:50 custody. I think your guess of him being a Disney dad is much more likely. Are you thinking about this because in your mind it lessens the effect on your children i.e. they still "have" half of their dad ?

I know your kids welfare is your priority, but as others have said removing yourself from this destructive marriage is the best thing you can do for them.

As for your communities reaction to the lady who left her husband, it's a red-herring in my view. I often think people refuse to believe that Mr Nice Down the Road is actually a wife beater, or child abuser, because it makes life too scary. If they consider that they associate with "nice" people then it threatens their safety. It's much more comfortable to think the bad people look a certain way, are job less loners with no friends or family.

I see that you're going to look at rentals on line. Have you had any more thoughts about contacting Women's Aid, or some other type of support organisation ?

I left my abusive ex. Or rather I kicked him out. I accept that I am in a different, more secure position in that it was my house we were all living in.

But I want to talk to you about that fear you've got: I had it too. In buckets. Fear that the dc would be desperately unhappy without their dad there. Fear that I was a failure for letting it all go(funny how even a 'good' marriage -my parents'-can make you feel a failure too!).

Fear of loss, fear of coping on my own, fear of the unfamiliar. You name it.

I suppose the one thing that gave me steel in my veins was the effect him being there was having on the children. He belittled me, belittled them, did as he pleased and was v abusive in ways I only appreciated when I had booted him out. I am a very intelligent, articulate woman, good few years on MN, you think I'd have learned

Well, you know what, I had a couple of wobbles, but that fear that is so crippling?? It evaporated almost overnight as the rose coloured specs crashed to the floor.

Peace is the word in our house now. Peace.

The dc still miss their father (in his victim bubble and will not sort out seeing them), but I speak to them about it in age appropriate ways and, more importantly, they know they can talk to me about it all, and they do.

That's all you can do. Keep going, keep the tin hat firmly on your head, and get on with the day to day minutiae of parenting. If he steps up and is still a father when you part, then all good. If he doesn't, you and your dc will survive. Kids are amazing.

Go and see a solicitor. It's amazing how powerful a little knowledge makes you feel.

He is abusive towards you so perhaps the WA refuge would be the only way forward.

My father was like your DH. Actually not quite as bad, but he still dictated the mood of anything special or fun with his nasty moods and evil temper. Don't allow your DH to damage your children's future emotional wellbeing, because it will if you stay as you are.