My H's 'birthday weekend'

[MindReader]

My H's birthday was on Tuesday.
He is one of those people who say: 'no no don't get me anything' (quite forcefully) but then go up the wall if they don't get a fuss...
We agreed to celebrated this weekend as weeknights v busy.

We have NO money atm so the celebration is extremely modest.
On Sat am we went for lunch at Asda (told you we were broke!). It was hugely busy so I suggested one of us sit with kids and one go and order. I sat as I have a mobility problem. He was furious at having to queue as he expects me to do that. I asked him to order me a burger. When the food came there was nothing for him. He said: 'there was only 1 burger left and I knew you'd make a fuss if I had it' (?). Apparently, there was 'nothing else on the menu' he wanted. So, I asked him if he'd walk around the block to get the cinema tickets for the new release we wanted to take the kids to in case it sold out. Perhaps he might find a sandwich from the chiller that he fancied to munch on the way round?. NO.
So, we eat our lunch and it gets to time to leave so we can get tickets on time and he decides he wants Mac and cheese (for the 1st time in 17 years?). So, we are late and stressed for film. After, he huffs and puffs and is grumpy all evening and stomps off to the spare bed.

This morning I get up and cook a slap up brekkie. He snaps about everything and I ask him what the problem is so he goes up in smoke and stomps off again. Kids and I eat the 'birthday breakfast'. He eventually comes down (after both ds and dd have been up showing him the menu they've made on the pc for him ) and opens kids gifts and mine. Mine is ignored but used (new boots which are not acknowledged but put on). Rest of day is silent treatment (an hour in the car in total silence, anyone?, trip to Garden centre to see Santa in total silence anyone?). He then has another huge huff when I call him down for Roast Beef Dinner (by his request) as he was 'helping dd with hair like YOU asked'. Dinner is also in silence. He then faffs around and as soon as the kids and I are settled watching Frozen he goes to bed.

Apparantly, I am a 'mad witch'.
I am SO tired.

Thanks, DrumDrum60
It was: roast topside, roast potatoes and parsnips, carrots, peas, broccoli, Yorkshire puds and gravy (all from scratch). Then profiteroles (not from scratch!) and a cheeseboard. And a bottle of red. That I can ill afford.
It wasn't just the Asda lunch - that was just a quick bite on the run, for those who think I was mean to take him to Asda for his b'day

He is mean because I don't sleep with him enough.
I don't because he is so so spiteful.
So he is spiteful and I don't want to sleep with him.
And so it goes on.

Am I being oversensitive about the tickets thing? Surely we shouldn't go on Sat so HE can see the film (it was Paddington, for goodness sake), if the children don't have enough £ to go on Mon with their friends? I appreciate the Sat film was arranged first but H had already tried to cancel it and it was me insisting we should go as kids were so disappointed.
It is SO TIRING being tied up in knots like this all the time.

Either leave him or have him removed from the family home. There is no hope at all of making him behave like a decent person, because he isn't one. He thinks women are less than human and that you and the children are his toys to ignore or break.
There really, really isn't any benefit to be had from trying to 'make it work' with this horrible bellend. Just get rid. It can be done. Good luck.

He does sound very spiteful OP. However, and please don't think I'm excusing him for a minute because I'm not, I am wondering if he is like this normally or is it a recent thing?

I'm just asking as I wonder if you 2 perhaps don't put enough value on spending time on things for yourselves? Swimming lessons, cinema trips, garden centre Santa (which is normally ££) slap up breakfasts, roast beef joints with all trimmings & paying for dc to go on a second cinema trip to the same film in in the space of one weekend doesn't seem like 'No money or a modest celebration' to me. Nor does it sound like some thing for DH, more so for the dc really. Maybe then to have to settle for an Asda lunch as his treat, just tipped him over?

However, he was not very nice ignoring the dc who were trying to show him their computer menu etc.

I am not working atm.
One of the kids has SN and I have been the one to 'be around' so he can hold down full time employment. That translates to me being a lazy bitch, in his eyes. I get v tired from my meds re the mobility thing too.

I would like a fresh start but I know the kids will miss him and I am worried about damaging them. Also, I am worried I wont be able to do enough 'outdoors' stuff with them if he isn't around (although when he takes them there is always some sort of drama).

Drum he has said many times he is only here as he cant afford to move out. I wish he would. I know that would be putting my wants before the kids (I don't believe in divorce) but I cant bear the thought of spending the rest of my life with him.

His first wife divorced him. He told me she had 'mental health problems'. For years I believed him. But now I wonder. Cos his 2nd wife would like to do the same, and I expect he'd tell his third wife I was mad too?

No wonder you don't want to sleep with him. He's an entitled idiot. I'd seriously wonder why he's being so sexually manipulative and do a bit of snooping just to make sure he's as loyal as you would like him to be.
Or maybe you're not bothered anymore.
By the way made belly pork with Jamie's gravy lots of veg and blackcurrent pie but your roast wins hands down. He's a lucky man if only he knew it.
Don't let him take your trust for granted.

He kids missing him is more preferable to the damage your relationship is causing them.

You and him are setting them up with the building blocks for adult life. There comes a point in their lives when those building blocks turn into stone.

How bloody dare he say that to you. You're right he probably has mental health problems. I'm glad you want him to move out.

I think it's a good time to start believing in divorce - if divorce means freedom from this arsehole.

You deserve so much better and your dinner sounds lovely.

You're children are already seeing that you two don't love each other and that he treats you (and them) badly. That's damage enough.

You may not 'believe' in divorce, but he does and he has no need or desire to change.

The outdoorsy stuff with your children is the least of the problems and there are ways that can be overcome.

He is a miserable pig and you deserve better.

Your kids will be better off without him around bullying them. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you or says about you once you are rid of him.
And if you 'don't believe in divorce' please consider that marriage is a bargian and a deal and he has broken the terms of the deal already by being horrible to you and the children. Being constantly abused is not what you signed up for. And it's not what the children signed up for, either.

Honestly the kids would be fine. You sound like a fantastic mum.

Margaritte It is quite true we have not had any time as a couple for years. I do think he feels neglected and resents the children taking so much of my time and energy. It is not how I thought it would be either. I didn't expect eldest to have SEN or for me to be effectively disabled. But you get on with it and the kids come first as they didn't ask to be born is how I feel about it. I am sure you are right he feels like the focus is on the dc not him and I don't think he likes that.
Yes, when I think back, he has been like this for a very long time, but it is getting worse.

But re the weekend, the swim lessons are the only extracurricular thing the kids do. Asda lunch was £12, the cinema was the £25 lottery ticket and the bacon and eggs and beef dinner were from Aldi so relatively inexpensive in. Yes, to send kids to cinema on Monday too is a bit silly though - perhaps that annoyed him, but to say they should pay was a bit mean I thought?
H chose good leather boots for himself from me and the kids bought him lots too plus the whole weekend was 'H can choose what we do' so he had a LOT of say.

Why don't you believe in divorce. Have a rethink. Divorce is for situations like yours. Or you could tell him to leave but not divorce him it doesn't really matter as long as you don't have to put up with this rubbish. Find a new way of thinking about all this. Imagine it was your friend what would you say.

Oh man, that was our cycle too - I was a fat, ugly frigid bitch cod I didn't want to,sleep with a man I despised. Value yourself more - if I was you I would quietly gather birth, marriage certificates, details of bank accounts etc and go and see a solicitor - you can get a free initial meeting. Get the facts you need about leaving him, then you can make a decision based on what is best fir you and dc. Being divorced does not mean he won't be involved in your dc's lives - some become 'super dad's' others unfortunately don't deserve the title 'dad', it's up to him. You go to counselling! Leave the idiot at home!!! If it's outdoorsy stuff. You're worried about, enrol your dc in the do outs - best thing I ever did for mine!! Lots of us on here been through similar and we're all here for you x ( you just need to get used to my typos!)

You don't have to explain anything. You sound lovely kind and generous. It's his problem he's a wanker not yours.

Don't excuse him.

He is being a cock.

gamerchick

He kids missing him is more preferable to the damage your relationship is causing them.

Yes, although he isn't horrible to the kids, and doesn't bash me or anything, they are certainly aware there is no love in the house and the constant passive aggressive stuff cant be setting a good pattern for them.

He has said he 'cant relax' if I am even in the house as apparently I am such a nightmare. He cant unstack the dishwasher as he'll 'do it wrong' or load the washing machine, yet alone cook a meal (3 times in 10 years).
Thing is, he WILL 'do it wrong' ( he IS bloody hopeless) but he will then GRIN AT ME to see if I will react. Is this what gaslighting means?

I wish I had left years ago when the kids were really tiny. To do it now seems the worst of all decisions. I feel I should stick it out (eldest is 10) but I just cant stand to be anywhere near him. That's awful, isn't it?

Mindreader I wasn't being judgemental, although I can see it would look like that. It doesn't sound like you are as broke as you think you are though, and I'm just saying this as its a positive thing You sound like a lovely mum & you are right, of course the dc must come first
He does sound a bit selfish. You say he's been like this for a long time - do you remember the turning point? I suppose the big question is, do you want to work things out with him?

I nearly left 2 months ago.
He hired a van to take me and kids stuff to new place.
Landlady got cold feet and wouldn't take me on benefits.
He was SO disappointed

The kids won't miss the weeks of atmosphere from the silent treatment you're getting. Start re evaluating your belief in divorce, if just to give the children some sort of anxiety free childhood.

No it's not awful not to want to be anywhere near such a manipulative fool. Start to change you in tiny steps back to being confident and assertive. Passive aggressiveness is vile.

Why should you leave?

I nearly left 2 months ago.He hired a van to take me and kids stuff to new place.Landlady got cold feet and wouldn't take me on benefits. He was SO disappointed

That tells you all you need to know. Stop wasting time and money on him.
Why can't he leave? Do you own or rent your house?

Please make an appointment with the CAB to find out your options.

What do you need, OP? Validation for your hurt feelings? You have it. 'Permission' to end your sad marriage? You have it. Confirmation that your children will mirror this horrid behaviour or be adversely affected by it? You have it. The 'go ahead' to rebuild your life without this manipulative, thoughtless half-person in it? You have that too. A full house.

I don't imagine there will be a single person on this thread who will condemn you for anything. My mum exhibits - or used to - some of the manipulative behaviour (the burger) and I won't play her stupid games now. She doesn't do it because she doesn't get a 'bite' from me now, she gets silence and fewer visits if she does this.

You tried very hard to make your husband's birthday nice and you seem so resigned to his shocking behaviour, so tired by it. I hope you have a little fight left in you to look into your options because you have them. This is seriously messed-up behaviour on your husband's part and you do not deserve this.

You deserve to be happy, start making plans to draw a line in the sand with your husband and let him know that this happens no more - or take steps for either he or you to leave. He can still be a dad if he wants to but you, he won't have you to shove around with his nastiness anymore.

Best wishes to you.

He got a van. How gallant of him. You poor thing. In fact stop being a poor thing and make a plan.