My H's 'birthday weekend'

[MindReader]

My H's birthday was on Tuesday.
He is one of those people who say: 'no no don't get me anything' (quite forcefully) but then go up the wall if they don't get a fuss...
We agreed to celebrated this weekend as weeknights v busy.

We have NO money atm so the celebration is extremely modest.
On Sat am we went for lunch at Asda (told you we were broke!). It was hugely busy so I suggested one of us sit with kids and one go and order. I sat as I have a mobility problem. He was furious at having to queue as he expects me to do that. I asked him to order me a burger. When the food came there was nothing for him. He said: 'there was only 1 burger left and I knew you'd make a fuss if I had it' (?). Apparently, there was 'nothing else on the menu' he wanted. So, I asked him if he'd walk around the block to get the cinema tickets for the new release we wanted to take the kids to in case it sold out. Perhaps he might find a sandwich from the chiller that he fancied to munch on the way round?. NO.
So, we eat our lunch and it gets to time to leave so we can get tickets on time and he decides he wants Mac and cheese (for the 1st time in 17 years?). So, we are late and stressed for film. After, he huffs and puffs and is grumpy all evening and stomps off to the spare bed.

This morning I get up and cook a slap up brekkie. He snaps about everything and I ask him what the problem is so he goes up in smoke and stomps off again. Kids and I eat the 'birthday breakfast'. He eventually comes down (after both ds and dd have been up showing him the menu they've made on the pc for him ) and opens kids gifts and mine. Mine is ignored but used (new boots which are not acknowledged but put on). Rest of day is silent treatment (an hour in the car in total silence, anyone?, trip to Garden centre to see Santa in total silence anyone?). He then has another huge huff when I call him down for Roast Beef Dinner (by his request) as he was 'helping dd with hair like YOU asked'. Dinner is also in silence. He then faffs around and as soon as the kids and I are settled watching Frozen he goes to bed.

Apparantly, I am a 'mad witch'.
I am SO tired.

Indeed - why doesn't he leave? Landladies won't have a problem with a single employed man, will they? And a one bedroomed flat would be a lot cheaper to rent than a place for you & DCs. Doesn't make sense

He changed a lot immediately after we got married.
He'd been really attentive (almost over attentive) before but it was like a switch was thrown on the 'testiness' switchboard afterwards and everything was about his need to assert himself. I couldn't choose soft furnishings, I couldn't walk the dog, I couldn't chat to the neighbours, everything had to be run past him, but then he wasnt' interested anyway?

I think the real turning point was when I had ds though.
I had to have a C-Sec and whilst he was very much the proud dad the day of the birth when he came back to the ward the next day he looked at me and said: 'ugh, you look really really awful'. He looked revolted. Granted, I am overweight and I did look rough, but I didn't need to hear it at that moment. He said that, during the C-sec itself, I 'looked like I'd been in a car crash'.
(my Dad died in a car crash so that was really upsetting).

Things have not been easy re kids and money etc so he spends a lot of time saying he wishes he was single and if he could turn back the clock he would not have chosen this path.

Oh, God, I've said far too much here and I didn't mean it to all come pouring out like this, it's just the weekend has felt like 6 months.

I'd better toddle off to bed.

thank you for listening

He is bullying you goading you into some kind of action. Carry on being the lovely person you are but be more assertive. Tell him to stop it now or leave.

Are u in the uk? If so, where? Just roughly - maybe one of us in rl can help? Get those certificates and get to a so,icitir or just leave then see the solicitor! Do u have family you can go to?

Come back and talk tomorrow. Best wishes.

LyingWitch - yes, I am 'resigned' and I am tireder than I thought it was possible to be.

I think he almost ramps it up to get a reaction, iyswim?
Would that make sense?
He is so JUBIlLANT if I snap. It's really horrible.

MindReader PLEASE leave him. It'll be the best thing you'll ever do for your kids. Your last post especially was so upsetting to read, what a horrible horrible man :(

Earth don't have a clue what this means but it sounds refreshing.

After my error, sorry again can I say that you must get away from this awful man.
Contact Women's Aid, this is abuse and he thinks he's being so clever.

You sound so nice, don't waste it on this man. Your children will understand if you are honest with them.

My dad then my ex did the silent treatment routine, it is cruel.
Sending love x

OMG I know what you mean about the snapping thing. It's scary. Something wrong with him. Try to find out. Snoop. Check his stuff. I would.

iamEarthy - I don't mind a Pagan at all, but I don't know if you are on the right thread? I shall scoop up some of your kind wishes anyway if that's okay as I am sorely in need hence this outpouring of misery tonight.

DrumDrum60 Tomorrow kids are off but Tues I will.

Walkacrossthesand -he wont go. He has a cooker and a washing machine and his own room here, he is very comfy. I am prepared to go actually but it is hard without employment. We ARE broke in terms of income for mortgages AND rent, even if we splurged our mini lottery win on Cinema and Asda burgers.

Right, better go up as Dd restless so might be in for a long night.

thank you all again for listening. I am really grateful

*canyou I can get the silent treatment for weeks at a time. He is nothing if not persistant.

The thing is, the children are picking up on it.
When I speak to them but they ignore me, and I say: 'please will you answer so I know you have heard' they say: 'Dad doesn't' and he smirks.*

I wouldn't live with anyone who treated me like that. Honestly. Silent treatment for weeks at a time??? Why would you bother?

Tell him that your marriage is grinding to a close because you will no longer accept being treated like shit. And tell him his own behaviour makes it clear that he feels the same way because normal spouses don't actually stop speaking to each other for hours or weeks at a time (and they don't) so he must want you to feel rejected and forced into disliking him.

Jesus why would you put up with that - your home and home life should be nice not awful. Relationships should generally be easy and supportive not arsey and mean.

god just read some of your other posts. Please plan to leave him. The only good thing about being desperately poor is that separation may not make much difference. Please don't waste any more days of your life on someone who doesn't like you or love you. You really deserve better - and you will get it some day.

You sound like a funny, articulate, decent and intelligent woman.

He sounds like a tosser.

You are too good for him.

You may well be better off as a single parent - in more ways than one.

I have a question, why didn't he have his birthday breakfast and dinner on his actual birthday? Totally reasonable for the kids to pay to see a film, from their own money, the second time around.

"Oh, God, I've said far too much here and I didn't mean it to all come pouring out like this, it's just the weekend has felt like 6 months."
MindReader, there is a reason it has come pouring out like this. It is because you have been ground down by this waster and are not used to being LISTENED TO any more . I see this again and again on MN - someone starts a thread about something apparently innocuous (although I have to say, yours really wasn't ) and when people respond with sympathy and understanding instead of the vileness they've been putting up with for years - the dam bursts. You have not 'said too much'. You have said what you needed to say.

"I would like a fresh start but I know the kids will miss him and I am worried about damaging them."
Getting rid of him absolutely will not damage them. What will damage them is his malign influence. We learn how to conduct our relationships from the relationships we see as children. Would you be happy for your children to end up in a relationship like yours? No? Then the sooner you stop modeling such a poor relationship, the better! Look at what is already happening:

"The thing is, the children are picking up on it. When I speak to them but they ignore me, and I say: 'please will you answer so I know you have heard' they say: 'Dad doesn't' and he smirks. Ds notices but I can see he doesn't want to think of his Dad (being half of him) as a mean spiteful person. Dd tends to pick up on the lack of respect and parrot it, which I find hard."
^^THAT is damage.

You've already made the decision to leave. You did it two months ago, but were let down. That's what you need to focus on now. Making it happen. He has ground you down and made sure you are almost too tired to think, so you need to get someone in your corner to do some of the heavy lifting for you. Women's Aid (he is an abuser), a family solicitor, counseling on your own. Take advantage of whatever is out there to get rid of this abusive wanker. It needs to happen, not just for you but for your children, before the damage HE is causing them is beyond repair.

Wipe that smirk of that goady fuckers face OP. Down tools, no more dinners/housework/whatever you do around the house for him. Look after yourself from now on in and your lovely children

I'm actually quite lost for words op. Seldom have I come across such a pathetic excuse for a man.

Let me get the world's smallest violin out for him, because he's so sad and would like to be single and childless again. Well guess what, it's nearly Christmas and you can give him one of those wishes. Hope he enjoys his new found singledom with (jingle) bells on !

Please decide tomorrow to take away his control. Just the description of his smirking at you made me feel so angry. No wonder you don't want to sleep with him, I couldn't bear to look at him.

You sound kind, funny, caring and a great mum. He told you his first wife had mental health problems, I wonder who caused those ? Please kick his lazy, nasty, childish, bullying arse into outer space.

mindreader having been in a similar position I really feel for you but actually you do believe in divorce. Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to marry a divorcee. I'm not trying to be facetious, just hoping that you will look at the issue differently and move on to the life you and your dc so obviously deserve

We agreed to celebrated this weekend as weeknights v busy.
I just re read your OP, I now understand, it was prearranged for the week end.

MindReader

re your comment:-
"I would like a fresh start but I know the kids will miss him and I am worried about damaging them. Also, I am worried I wont be able to do enough 'outdoors' stuff with them if he isn't around (although when he takes them there is always some sort of drama)".

None of the above are actually any sort of reason to stay within this marriage. He cannot even take them out without there being some sort of drama attached.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this?. The children?. They must never be used as glue to bind you and this person together.

Your children are already been damaged by their parents poor example of a marriage. Do you really want to teach them that yes, this loveless marriage is their "norm", one that they could themselves go onto repeat as adults. They are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying within such an awful marriage; they will likely be puzzled and wonder why you put him before them during their childhoods.

I daresay as well he behaved in exactly the same manner towards his ex wife. He was probably charm personified prior to marriage and children and just kept up the nice man act long enough to hook both she and now you into.

What an absolute wanker.

Leave him, please! He sounds horrible and nasty

Hi OP hope you can find a way out here - no one deserves to be treated the way he treats you. You deserve happiness.