How to handle this?

[Idiotdh]

Today we went some distance to a school sports event ds was taking part in. They lost but good game and ds enjoyed it. Afterwards there was some food laid on for the players but dh asked if ds would rather wait and come with us for us all to eat together on the way home which dh had planned to do in about twenty minutes. Ds said ok, fine, said goodbye to team mates and teacher.

The conversation went like this.

Dh;Shall we go to main food joint and we can all choose there?( mainly McD, think there is salad bar and jacket potato place too)
Me; Yes, fine.
Ds; Yes please , Mc Donald's?
Dh;Junk food?
Ds ;There's not much else in that place, KFC a bit further on?( near home)
Dh;Ok if thats what you want?Dont you want to go shopping too?
Me; Happy either way we can shop if you want to for a while.
Ds ; not really, just want to eat. Can do for a while though.
Dh ; well we can't all just do what we want all the time can we?

Dh, suddenly indicates left off motorway. This is towards original place planned. Says 'Well I'm stopping here look there is a KFC here anyway.' Then continues to drive past KFC part to area closish to original venue planned.
Ds; Can we go there (KFC?)then?
Dh ;Stops car far from KFC near to original planned place (McDs) says'Do what you want, Im going to the toilet we can just go home as far as Im concerned '
'I'm not going to KFC ds can go there if he wants give him a fiver it's over there ( quite far, across roundabouts etc, not accessible by foot)
Me; Let's just go and eat together at main food place, ds is hungry.Its not fair to wait any longer.
Dh; shouts ; Bugger off then, we can just go home if that's what you want.
Dh walks off with car keys. Says meet you here in 15 mins. I say ok shall we get food or are you shopping now. Dh seems to mutter F off and storms off leaving us in car with no keys.
I get back in , say come on ds let's go get something, what do u want, ds shouts ' I don't care ' and bursts into tears and breaks his heart..have never seen him do this and he is a very placid child who just tries to please.

I feel incredibly let down by dh behaviour with this... All we did was try to agree a plan , ds did nothing wrong and dh just made it impossible no matter what ds said. I think he's been incrediblybadly behaved and really let ds and me down. I am shocked at how unreasonable difficult and rude he has been. I am so angry I have not spoken a word to dh since. After dh came back to the car he rapped on the window and barked' What are you doing I thought you would be ready by now' . When we got out he said to ds' You can't go out like that, with a bright red face'.

I took ds via the loos to McDonalds and was furious but just refused to react or argue. We (ds and I )got food. We went back to car and came home. I have apologised to ds on behalf of his father but can't explain it.

What is this all about? Is he an unreasonable bully? Is he on the ASD spectrum, because it is really hard to communicate with him, he just doesn't follow the flow of conversation then loses his temper..so is either being deliberately difficult and obtuse, or he has some sort of problem.

I know he has been completely unreasonable out of the blue and ruined everything.. But what do I say now. Do I tell him to apologise to ds and me? Do I tell him to get out?

Please can I have some advice. LTB may be the right advice, but these are sporadic incidents and ds will still be seeing his father regularly (and always wants to spend time with dad)if I do LTB so it won't necessarily solve the problem. As in, I have to make or try to make dh change this behaviour and apologise and display to ds he was in the wrong...if I don't address this properly now, even LTB isn't going to be enough.

Seek legal advice if you can, you need to know where you stand.

He won't change, the cycle will go on and on as long as you allow him to get away with it.

See a solicitor to find out the facts.

I'm still in the middle of the incident really. We need to talk, but I didn't initiate the conversation this time. Struggling to see the point. I arranged an appointment with the GP (tomorrow) to see whether they can provide any support for me - may not be the right place to ask for help, I don't know - but I lost two working days and the weekend to fear and anxiety and still feel on the edge most of the time. DH has been to the doctor last year with depression but not followed through with any help that was offered at the time, so I think it might be helpful to mention what's going on for his records also (but don't know whether that's useful because obviously if DH wants to get help from GP he needs to go there himself).

I'm seeing a close friend today in the evening also.

So it's five days past the incident and we are still not talking. Not at all unusual for him to go sulking for days, but my tolerance to this shit is now gone. DH has done some pretty unusual things like washing dishes, cooking and taking kids to activities He also came to bed this night past 1am which I imagine are all his attempts to 'apologise' (without doing so), and to make peace. I rejected him gently, so he went back to the living room shortly afterwards. I'm pretty sure I look grumpy and sulking too at the moment, and that's not good.

I know we need to talk but no longer know what to say, or how to say it. Dragging on with silence is not an option either.

Thank you all for posting here. It helps.

He has a good job and is well thought of by clients as far as I know...he is not arrogant at the workplace ( we do not work together but I know his coworkers and he is very mild mannered afaik)

It sounds like someone who doesn't have any control in other parts of their life trying to control something, anything.

It's true he just gets incredibly frustrated at the weekends if there is any delay, or if he feels an activity has wasted his time etc.

However, I work just as hard and manage to be patient.

I think at work etc he wants a good reputation..at home, he doesn't care about that so he lets loose.

Thishastostop

Dh is the same in that he is being nicer than usual. Either he feels bad but can't apologise, or he is just trying to win me over so he isn't turfed out.

I was just talking to dh and said'What does the hot water comeon early but the heating doesn't? They may as well be on together rather than use oil without the heating on?'
After, he said 'I m going to text ds to tell him to take photos at his dinner' ...I said oh don't make him take loads of photos let him make his own decision'
Dh. Fuck off! Stop telling me what to do. ( Impersonating a nagging voice) "..oh you don't want to do it this way, do it that way etc etc, ". you're so controlling!'

Me..don't tell me to F off ..
him.. Well stop controlling me and being so dominating!

What in Gods name is wrong with him?

I told him not to shout and be so aggressive and he said..Aggressive , you are the one trying to dominate me all the time! So just shut your big fat gob and leave me alone!

He is the one having a temper tantrum..I am not the one shouting and swearing.

So I have told him he is right, no relationship should be so unhealthy and we should take steps to get divorced.

After telling me to shut up and stop going on and on, this will obviously make him happy to be far from me so I am doing us both a big fat favour.

PS I'm feeling tired, lonely and a little scared..I am on my own with him in the house tonight as older dc are not here and ds is at sleepover function.

Strange feeling and not v welcome after such unpleasantness again.

Sorry meant to say if anyone has this on their TIO still, please send me kind words or pm me . Thanks.

oh OP, you poor thing. I can hardly believe it's still dragging on like this. I think you're doing the right thing to consider LTB - just don't stop at considering it. He sounds like a total pain in the arse, and it doesn't seem like he is open to admitting he is wrong, ever. You and DS really would be far better off without him

Well he was nice the last few days since Sunday. Then like this tonight..not sure if it is coincidence ds is not here tonight.

He just can't bear to be challenged and thinks he is justified in his behaviour.

You really need to get rid of him.

What an utter dick. Very much like my DH and I am currently LTB.

Of course, he hasn't been AT ALL unreasonable. Oh no! It's my fault, my lack of affection made him feel frozen out (and into the arms of a prostitute).

I am so sick of his sulking, his disapproving head-shaking but inability to actually talk to me, his temper tantrums, his picking on DS. He lacks any empathy or remorse for the hurt he has caused me in the past, and is forever sniffing around other woman and flirting (at the very least) so that he can feel good about himself. I'm sure he is a narcissist as well as being an utter dick.

LTB is incredibly hard but I think it is the right thing to do.

He just had a big tantrum because I questioned the heating and hot water going on together

Only you know if you are prepared to live your life like this.

My DH still doesn't acknowledge he has done anything wrong. Not REALLY wrong. He doesn't get that he is simply not a nice person, I don't mean about his cheating and betraying us, I mean his day to day treatment of us, that he is just so unpleasant to be around.

And when he is here, DS is beginning to sound more and more like him. That's a driving force for me too.

yes on the ASD spectrum... but only if the a stands for arse, or agressive or arrogant, or abusive. (or all of the above.)

sorry been back to read the rest of the thread.

thishastostop LEAVE. please. as the child of a similar relationship leave. before your child hits puberty. you need to leave for your own sake too. justyour post took me right back to my childhood.

idiotdh it is hard. sounds like you are preparing to leave too. takes a while toget your head round the necessity and to detach. it is no way to live.

shutting the door on you (one of you) is not a good sign. starting to move towards the physical.

honestly. all the money you have is not worth living in misery with h.

no you are not imagining the difficulties, yes it is him, yeas it is difficult. and yes to it being hard work and stressful to live with. it may get worse before it gets better but leaving sounds like a good option. the cycle of abuse posted earlier... all the things he is doing... honeymoon phase. kfc. making a point I think.

He really isn't going to improve and I'm sure you don't want this for the rest of your life.

How are you set up financially?

Financially, I have some of my own money. I have a good job, but he earns more and I had a gap in earnings for a few years so have a poor pension etc.
do people arrange their own settlements?

We're doing it through a mediator. I have nothing, DH earns huge amounts of money and refused a joint account. He is trying to freeze me out, but because we have a third party involved and I know absolutely everything about him financially he can't. I have been. sAHM to his career path. At our last session we covered capital, income/outgoings and pension. It is very very difficult but she is leading us gently. Not cheap, but cheaper and kinder than solicitors. I do recommend, we couldn't thrash it out between the two of us.

What is saving me is that we are married and both our names are on the house. I will be entitled to some of his pension, as well as working tax credits and child benefit.

We haven't told the children yet, instead we want to put everything in place so we can focus on them when the time comes.

It's a bit surreal ( we bought the Xmas tree together, went for lunch after just the two of us) but his behaviour put us in this place.