getting over the fear of being single forever

[dontcallmehon22]

I came out of a 12 year relationship in April 2013. Since then I had two disastrous 3 month relationships with men I met online.

I've decided to work on myself and build a brilliant active social life. I'm having counselling. I've entered a 5k run. But at the back of my mind I'm frightened that at 34, with 3 dc, maybe I'll never meet anyone again. I'm not actively looking right now, but I worry that when I'm ready - I'll never find them. I know some people are happy alone, but I won't be long term. I think getting rejected twice has made me feel like a reject that no man could ever love

dont it sounds like you're well on your way to being truly content on your own. Then it'll only be a matter of time before you meet someone. If that's what you want...

Where did you find your happiness group..?

Haven't read all of thread. Just wanted to back the people saying embrace singledom for a while. It is awesome, especially if Your exes were arses. I came out of a 12 year abusive relationship, and the one thing I did right in my head was to decide to be single for 25 years, minimum.
It didn't turn out like that, but it was a great way to really look at what I did NOT want in a relationship and what I DID want. It made me think about mistakes made in the past. Think about what sort of qualities that are important to me, what are the things that are non negotiable to me. I'm simply not interested in seeing someone "With potential". If it isn't great I have no time for it.
As I have 3 DC's , one With special needs and the rest of us a bit scarred from life with their dad, I thought it not likely that anyone would actually meet my standards. But the main thing is that life is too fucking short to put up with mediocre and I will not waste my precious time with anyone less than awesome. Plus I want to feel awesome too.

Take the time to put yourself and your kids first. Take charge of what you want out of life and don't compromise for a while. I know it has been said many times, but a good thing is worth repeating :) Kow your own Worth, don't negotiate on what makes you happy. And for the love of god, run a mile when someone asks you to trust them. Trust is a result of actions, not of someone bleating "you can trust me". (I say this as someone who fell for that one and got a good kicking because of it.)

Best of luck in your blissful, temporary, singledom!

folk If a man told me he was aware of my flaws and his ex was perfect, I would of told him to leg it back to his ex among other fiery words.
I have too much self respect to have men make me feel crap.
If a man does not make you feel sexy and wanted then what's The point. I ended my 12 yr marriage because my EXH made me feel unattractive and I make a lot of effort to keep in shape. He did it on purpose, if I complained That he never said I looked nice he just shrugged, he just was not that into me.
No such thing as a flawless or perfect person. Otherwise there wouldn't be airbrushing, make up, spandex, bras ir any of the stuff that gives the illusion of beauty.
Dickheads can act like gentleman, a good man wouldn't make a woman feel bad about herself.
Folk I think you should give yourself some positive feedback, I wouldn't expect to find a partner to be perfect and in fact I think flaws can be sexy.
Everyone, cultures have different ideas of perfection but I doubt you are as flawed as you keep telling yourself.

Folk they may not be dickheads for not fancying you but they are dickheads for making you feel bad about yourself. I think you've had a lucky escape from your friend, I too would be saying if his ex is so fucking perfect then he should go back to her. I'm sure he meant it as a compliment in some backhanded way but if he makes comments like that then I think you're doing the right thing not getting involved with him romantically.

Last post on this from me, because it's not my thread

I think the me feeling bad about myself was how I heard/interpretted it rather than them being bastards. I'm just very sensitive to it all. E.g. the guy who was put off by me was actually lovely, and he didn't recoil and 'urgh!' or anything. But I knew because he changed in the way he was with me. I wasn't really bothered about him. It was a shame because we got on well, but he was very much into fitness and had a great body, so it's not really surprising he didn't fancy me!

My friend was trying to reassure me, I think that although his ex was stereotypically the 'perfect' woman physically, she wasn't actually 'perfect'. He wasn't comparing me to her. I did that. He was trying to tell me I was wrong. But still acknowledged that she was perfect and I was flawed in the process!

Oh well. I think that I'm just going to process everything through a negative filter. That's another reason for staying single!

I feel it's a lot less stress being single actually. I think I want to focus on my career and family for a while. A house and job move might be in my future.

folk I found the happiness group on meet up. I have so many things going on in the next few weeks. And although I don't have the giddy excited feeling I had when I used to see my ex, overall I'm happier. More chilled out. I really can't stomach the thought of going on dating sites to be judged at the moment.

Folk I'm sure your friend is lovely and didn't mean for it to comes across negatively. I remember your other thread about him and I do think you're right not to get involved as you'll tie yourself in knots over this ex which sounds miserable. I can completely understand you wanting to find someone who thinks you're perfect for them and I think you should hold out for that, if you ever do decide to date again.

dontcallmehon I can't imagine being on a dating site. It seems so brutal, my friend has done online dating for a while and she's had men stand her up or they comes across as really keen and then ditch her after the first date. Or they're just after sex. I'm sure that's not unique to OLD but I can't imagine putting my picture online with a profile about what an awesome person I am for god knows how many men to judge. Awful.

I think being single is the way forward for me. I found someone who I thought would never cheat, was loving and caring and all the rest of it and then I found out he was hiding something awful. This was someone who I was friends with before we were together and I thought I knew well. I just feel like you can't trust anyone these days. I'm only in my 20s so am way too young to be cynical but I've always believed that I'll never get married so I'm content to be on my own.