getting over the fear of being single forever

[dontcallmehon22]

I came out of a 12 year relationship in April 2013. Since then I had two disastrous 3 month relationships with men I met online.

I've decided to work on myself and build a brilliant active social life. I'm having counselling. I've entered a 5k run. But at the back of my mind I'm frightened that at 34, with 3 dc, maybe I'll never meet anyone again. I'm not actively looking right now, but I worry that when I'm ready - I'll never find them. I know some people are happy alone, but I won't be long term. I think getting rejected twice has made me feel like a reject that no man could ever love

I remember your posts about the first guy on the dating thread. I had just met my boyfriend - I broke up with him Friday night after nearly a year so another one back to the single boat.

My recent ex was a properly lovely guy, loved me, loved my son but something just didn't feel right. He didn't make me laugh. It is hard breaking up with someone when nothing is actually wrong, but you know it isn't right . Feeling pretty sad today. I would love to meet someone I had that connection with but OLD not for me (met ex at a wedding) so it seems very unlikely. Not that I am even thinking about it yet of course. I do like being single and very busy with work, new business, friends and obviously DS but I really enjoyed being part of a couple. It felt nice to be a little family. But it wasn't right so not fair on anyone to drag it out.

Anyway, good luck don't and brokenhearted and everyone else... I agree, being happy in your single status is absolutely key to happiness. Then if you meet someone, they just add to that, but if you don't, you are fine.

That's tough Polly. I guess at least you had the confidence to break it off and do what you knew to be right. I don't mind OLD, but I don't want to get back out there just yet.

Well yes, i am not scared of being single, but I am still riddled with self doubt that the problem is me not being open enough, I feel guilty about hurting him, think in hindsight I should have ended it 6 months ago and never introduced DS... So it isn't plain sailing!. But we do what we do and the important thing is to learn from it.

Sorry to jump in without reading the full thread, but there was something you said early on which I'd like to ask you to think about:
I want to be at the stage where I'm happy and not needy, if he does come along.

It sounds like you are "working on yourself" so that you are ready for a new relationship. This approach will not lead to happiness I fear.I believe that The way to happiness is to embrace the idea of being single forever, have no fear of it, then you can take or leave any relationship which is unhealthy.

Can you accept that people who are single have just as valid a life as those who are in a couple?

I do accept that, but personally I want a relationship in the future and I intend to actively look for someone when the time comes.

I think (for me) it's making the leap from accepting the theory of happy being single, to genuinely living the practice that is the difficult bit. I don't think anyone is arguing that single people have a less valid life than people that are in relationships, that's a ludicrous idea. It's a personal thing anyway, not about condemning anybody else.

So I'm happy being single tonight, as I'm catching up on weeks worth of favourite tv that I've missed, with no-one to object to me hogging the telly with 'my' programmes .

"I think (for me) it's making the leap from accepting the theory of happy being single, to genuinely living the practice that is the difficult bit."

If you can convince yourself that generally everybody gets on your nerves then it might become easier. I like to socialise with people, but I'm glad to get home and shut the door on the world at the end of the day.

I still think you are to eager to find another relationship and I fear that if you don't Find someone within your time frame you might possibly just hook up with the first avaliable guy.
Reading back I'm sorry if I come across rude it's just that you are obv someone who doesn't do the single thing well and there are plenty of people like that it's just the way we all differ when it comes to relationships.
I guess I'm the opposite in where I am so settled in my single life that I really don't crave a relationship. Understand it could take a long time finding the right one if ever-is that something your prepared for?.

dontcallmehon22 life has funny twists and turns, you may find that love will happen when you least expect it I hope so, as I definitely 'get; what you are saying about enjoying the togetherness of a relationship. It is something I value hugely - and when it's the right person who loves you for you and doesn't ever want to hurt you or play games, the happiness is all the sweeter.

I guess keeping an open mind is also worth considering, i.e. the person you might not initially feel is "your type" may be the very person.

My DP is someone who I kept that open mind and an open heart about - I wouldn't swap him for the world, and I thank my lucky stars that I did have the insight - because he could have slipped through my fingers because of having a set idea in my mind about "the type of guy" I would go for picky cahhhh.

Just another thought for you

been reading this thread with interest as I've just split from my fiance on Friday after 3 years and one dd together. I personally think that you need to get over and grieve for your failed relationship and spend a significant amount of time being happy single before you should think of another relationship.

I don't agree that you should accept and be happy with being single for the rest if your life before you start another relationship. as long as I am 'over' this heartache and have come to terms with any issues or baggage I may have then why not give love another go. thanks for everyone s posts as it's helped me to get through a tough weekend

been reading this thread with interest as I've just split from my fiance on Friday after 3 years and one dd together. I personally think that you need to get over and grieve for your failed relationship and spend a significant amount of time being happy single before you should think of another relationship.

I don't agree that you should accept and be happy with being single for the rest if your life before you start another relationship. as long as I am 'over' this heartache and have come to terms with any issues or baggage I may have then why not give love another go. thanks for everyone s posts as it's helped me to get through a tough weekend

dont I say that I'm happy being single now. I'm not sure that it's true. I'm content to be single for as long as the alternative is feeling as shit in relationships as they make me feel. If that makes sense.

On paper, I think I'm ok. But in reality, I never feel quite good enough. I have been asked out a few times recently and I keep saying, "no". I can't get over feeling guilty that whoever is with me would have to sacrifice the chance of being with someone slim and pretty to be with me. And I'm not prepared to live with the guilt or, alternatively, worry that one day they'll think they deserve more (because I think they would). And I don't think the core 'me' is good enough for it to not matter that I'm not slim or attractive. I've said it before, but I kind of don't want to be with someone who doesn't think they deserve someone better than me/thinks I'm the best they can do.

There is someone who has asked me out. I've turned him down. I've been quite clear about it and we've become good friends. But, from what he says, I think he is secretly hopeful I will change my mind one day. I occasionally see myself through his eyes, and he thinks he likes me quite a bit. But I won't change my mind (and I have told him so) because his ex was so slim and pretty and I already feel inferior to her. He is such a lovely man and attractive to other women and they sometimes ask him out. Through his work/hobbies he meets lots of attractive women and I know I would feel jealous and inferior and insecure. And I would end up feeling horrible about myself and taking it out on him and that would just be wrong. In fact, we're not dating and I sometimes feel a little jealous and insecure.

I was in the pub earlier today and a man walked in who caught my eye. He looked at me a couple of times and we made eye contact. But when I realised that he was 'looking', I deliberately turned away so that he couldn't 'engage' me any further. I just can't take the risk of developing feelings for someone or 'wondering'.

I have a FWB who appears to fancy me. We're very good friends. We love each other as friends, but there is no way it would ever become anything else. I can do it while there are no feelings involved. But if I thought for a second he had feelings beyond 'friendship', I would end it. It would all go horribly, horribly wrong.

So I have no choice but to get past the fear of being single forever. Because it's far less scary than the thought of being in a relationship

More than that, the more I read of other people's relationships on here, and the more I see of relationships IRL, the less I want to be in one!

Being single is so much easier...

Folk girl I have that same never good enough feeling as well. I can really relate to your post. I think that's why I stay out of relationships as well as being single is safer than being in a relationship and the worry that they will always find someone better eventually. My ex husband left me for another woman and I guess that kick started these feelings. It's so hard.

happy Yeah, I had something similar. My parents didn't love me. My mother was quite open about it. I ploughed my way through boyfriend after boyfriend when I was in my late teens. I fell desperately 'in love' with all of them and then fell out of love just as quickly. If any of them genuinely liked me, I must have left a trail of emotional destruction. I had no idea at the time, though. I had no idea anyone could like me, really.

Then my first LTR in my early 20s cheated on me when I was pregnant.
Then my husband cheated on me.
Then my only boyfriend since behaved in a way that ticked a lot of the he's cheating boxes, although I didn't bother to find out if he really was or not.

That's at least two, and probably all three of my adult relationships. I know that I would sabotage anything that looked like a relationship now. And that MN adage of when someone tells you who they are, believe them should be closely heeded because if I suspect someone might be interested in me, I do try to put them off. They don't always listen though...

Thanks folk, I see that being single is positive at times. Certainly preferable to continuous heartbreak.

Happyandsingle I won't hook up with the first guy that comes along. Both men I was involved with I was very attracted to and I am very fussy.

Just had a fun evening dancing at my happiness group...

Absolutely!

So this 'happiness group'? what's that all about?

It's fab. We do different activities each week/month. This week it was a sort of freestyle dance class. It was like a cross between dance and meditation. I've never done anything like it before. I'm starting to enjoy life already! My diary is packed and my head is clear

I've realized I'm a v v sociable person who needs adult company. I've been looking to these men to provide it, but actually I can fulfil those needs in other ways. Dating will come when I'm 100% happy. I'm not there yet.

Folk I see mostly curvy or big ladies with boyfriends who are all over them. In fact I think the average woman is a size 16, the men who are attracted to you probably like your curves and personality, eyes and smile.
I am slim and get told I am attractive alot bit my EXH lost interest in me and I am single.
I suppose if we keep thinking of ourselves in a negative way then we will not be open to allowing someone to get to know us. I am very insecure about all aspects of my personality and looks.
I have decided to believe the good feedback and I stop being so hard on myself.
I am always very suspicious when a man floods me with compliments.

It must be very hard when you've been with someone for 12 years to get used to being on your own. If you're 34, then that means you've been with someone for most of your adult life so it's no wonder that you're having a hard time adjusting. I do wonder if your 3 month relationships were rebounds/you weren't ready, or you were emotionally vulnerable so weren't attracting decent men. It will be a hard adjustment but you can do it! Don't worry too much about never meeting anyone again - I've known people re-marry in theirs 40s, 50s, even 70s. Which may sound a depressingly long time away but really you've got all the time in the world so you can afford to be choosy.

I would even suggest getting a FWB. Maybe not right this moment, but if you're someone who really enjoys male company but is wary of dating, it could work. Obviously if you think you could get emotionally involved then it's not a good idea. I think it's great that you've acknowledged that you want a romantic relationship. I am a huge fan of singledom but it's not the right path for everybody and there's nothing wrong with wanting to look for love. I think you're doing the right thing, building on your self-esteem and being comfortable in your own skin. I think independence is a very attractive quality and you'll attract better quality men who won't try to take advantage of you.

dont ah the days of geeky... I'm not going to read back over my old posts; I remember them well enough I should have ended that so much sooner than I did!

I think it's testament to how far we've both come that we're content with bring single.

gotta thanks. The thing is, I didn't think I was that bad. I'm around a size 12/14 atm. Sometimes as low as 10 never more than 14. But never 'slim'. I don't seem to have much trouble attracting men with my personality. I'm quite curvy with boobs a waist and hips/bum and I did believe that men would like that. I also believed the 'confidence is attractive' crap and the 'fake it till you make it crap'. I had a couple of 2 month 'relationships' before my boyfriend. One of them commented on my confidence but almost in a critical way, as though he felt I should be more apologetic at not looking better. And the other, we only had sex once and he was clearly not pleasantly surprised at seeing me naked. My ex boyfriend also suggested I should lose weight a couple of times, whilst also telling me he didn't mind...and, on reflection, I don't think he really fancied me (the signs were there).

So really I can only draw the conclusion that I'm not physically attractive/fanciable. Ergo, I shall turn them down and remain single because there's only so many times you can be found offputting.

Folk I think those men were obviously dick heads. Men love women's bodies full stop and we all come in different shapes. I will never have a perfect figure, I have had two kids and loads of stretch marks but I spent all my life picking fault with my body, I work hard to make it the best I can without surgery, its been too Lon to miss my pre pregnancy boobs.
I don't look for perfection In men and have dated guys with extra weight and found them attractive.
Do you good friends or family who can give you support and who can help you see there's nothing wrong with you.
There are probably men who enjoy putting women down, its like a form of abuse.

If you've only been split since last April and already had 2 three month relationships then I'd say you haven't given it enough time

I split with my little girls dad in August 2012 and it took me about 18 months to be completely content on my own and it feels great!

Give yourself time to heal and build up your self esteem etc. The right person will come along eventually

gotta that's the thing, I don't think they were 'dickheads'. Very gentlemanly, no pressure for sex, no obvious 'red flags'. They're not dickheads for just not fancying me or not finding me particularly sexually attractive. Even the guy who likes me currently has said (by way of reassurance) that he is fully aware of my flaws but likes me anyway because he sees the whole me and not a collection of body parts. But I don't want to be seen as 'flawed'. I want someone to see me as perfect for them. Particularly when he admits that his ex is (physically at least) "most men's idea of the perfect woman". How can the flawed me ever compete with that! (Rhetorical question)

If any one of them had just looked at me and said, "wow" that would be enough.

No, don't have family other than my children. And my female friends are always going to say I look lovely. As are some of my males ones, but then that's different...