getting over the fear of being single forever

[dontcallmehon22]

I came out of a 12 year relationship in April 2013. Since then I had two disastrous 3 month relationships with men I met online.

I've decided to work on myself and build a brilliant active social life. I'm having counselling. I've entered a 5k run. But at the back of my mind I'm frightened that at 34, with 3 dc, maybe I'll never meet anyone again. I'm not actively looking right now, but I worry that when I'm ready - I'll never find them. I know some people are happy alone, but I won't be long term. I think getting rejected twice has made me feel like a reject that no man could ever love

Anyone who was that intense that quickly would throw up massive red flags for me. Genuine love and attachment takes time and if you respect yourself and the other person you don't rush it or make rash pronoucements early on - you bide your time and see how things go. But I think you know that now. So while you've had your heart broken you're wiser from the experience and will hopefully not make that mistake again. You're doing the right thing taking time out and focusing on you and being content in yourself. You have to love yourself and respect yourself before you can be with someone else and make sure they'll do the same. And if they don't then you'll be strong enough to walk away without losing a part of yourself.

Ooh and by the way, I find myself recommending this a lot, but have you watched 'The Good Wife'? It's a US drama, with loads of fab actors like Julianna Margulies, Chris Noth (Big from SATC) and Alan Cummings. The main character is a SAHM who then has to go it alone and get a job as a lawyer when her high-profile husband cheats on her and then ends up in jail. But it's way more complex than that, and she is awesome, it's the only thing I could watch after exH left! I still watch the odd episode now and like to channel my inner Alicia Florrick when things are tough . It's on netflix...

m.imdb.com/title/tt1442462/

You shouldn't feel frustrated that he couldn't see you were a nice person. Im a really good person who fucks up from time to time. As a lot of us do. I've got unexpectedly hammered before. The problem was with him not you.
Stop beating yourself up and over analysing your behaviour. You can't change what has gone but you can learn lessons. I'm not referring to the drunk incident. Just about working on that twatdar!

Brokenhearted. I had a 9 year relationship 3 months of it fantastic. The rest a cycle of abuse. This makes me a sucker not a 'success'
Other than that delightful 9 yyears I've hit two years max.!
I hate the way we quantify our self worth by how long we can hold down a relationship for.
I know some beautiful women inside and out who never seem to get much luck in relationships. A lot of it is definitely down to compatibility but a lot is also down to poor boundaries.
If you haven't read baggage reclaim by Natalie lue please do. That lady talks sense!

Oh broken I'm sorry. I shouldn't have married my ex though, so having that relationship is a regret (apart from my dc of course). And because of that I've never learned to be alone. It's my problem - not that being single is a problem.

And thanks for the advice - frog that does help. I am human and make mistakes sometimes.

I've never seen that avocado, I'll take a look

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm out at the moment but I wanted to add my support.
I am 35 with 3DC aged 5 and under.
I split with the DC's dad who was emotionally, financially and physically abusive and I felt unlovable, worthless and like 'damaged goods'.
I really thought that no one would want me, especially with me having 3 DC and a terrible relationship history.
Firstly, you are absolutely doing the right thing going to counselling. I actually started seeing my counsellor before I left my ex and it really helped me move forward and not back out of leaving. Since then we've worked through a lot of issues I have, some related to my dad dying when i was young, others related to the way I've behaved in relationships in the past. It has been painful but totally worth it.
Secondly, try not to think too much about being single or in a relationship. Spend time on yourself and your relationship status won't matter to you. If you do want a relationship there is absolutely no reason why you won't have one in the future.
Fast forward to now and I've met an absolutely lovely guy (on plenty of fish )
My circumstances are far from ideal as I have no family or friends close by, do all the childcare, bar three sundays a month when the DC's dad sees them and I work part time too. I have to pay a babysitter but it's well worth it.
My new BF is also in the midst of a divorce and has had to move back to his parents' house so his wife and children can live in their old family home.
Despite this, we have a really fantastic, open and honest relationship and I honestly can't think of any negatives except for our current circumstances.
If I can do it, you definitely can!
Don't be put off dating and if you know you are a terrible boastful drunk, don't drink too much! I am a horrible drunk too and have bouta of insecurity which, like you, I overcompensate for by bigging myself up I did go overboard on my first few dates and one guy I really liked only wanted to sleep with me, which hurt (thankfully I told him where to go)
Just try and take things as they come and remember anyone is lucky to have you!

(The dating thread on here is awesome too!)

Broken I'm the same age, never lived with a partner and longest relationship was 20 months. When I read topics on the forum I do feel like I'm living some sort of extended adolescence. Can be loads of fun - I was singing at Rockeoke last night. But there's an underlying feeling that at 35 I should really be living a parallel existence, which is compounded by knowing that I want a family before the clock runs out.

Hi oneday

"I do feel like I'm living some sort of extended adolescence...I was singing at Rockeoke last night."

There's probably loads of mums and dads out there, up to their armpits in baby nappies that would happily swap with you for one night only so they can go and belt out Welcome To The Jungle in a Rockeoke.

"I've been told I am good looking and all my friends say I am very funny and fun to be with."

To be honest Dont, all "the rotten, lying, time wasting, good for nothing men" probably wouldn't give a fudge about how funny, fun or good looking you are so that stuff is wasted on them anyway.

Oops, that previous post was meant for brokenhearted55a; sorry about that.

It's ok mademan I think that advice applies to me as well!

I actually thought I was quoting your post Dont and it was only when I'd posted it that I realised it was Broken's post; but it did read like one of yours, so yes it does apply to you too. Your qualities are wasted on rotten, lying, time wasting, good for nothing men!

Ooh hello broken and Made too hmm, we were all on dating threads a year ago...maybe don't tell the current daters we're all apparently still single . Anyway, this thread is about leaning to not be afraid of being single; rather than whinging about it!

dollyrocker I love rockaeoke! What's your song?

dont thankyou for the meetup inspiration! I've heard about meetups before but just bit the bullet and joined up. I've found loads of things I'd like to do and signed up for a pub board games night next weekend. So thankyou!

Happiness meet ups sound amazing must look into!

Hmm maybe whinging is a bit of a harsh word to use and I don't want anyone to think that was directed at them particularly, cos it wasn't. I meant to articulate that this thread is evolving (I think) to being about being happy being single, and supporting each other in singledom, rather than seeing being single as a problem/dating etc.

Clumsy wording. Does anyone get what I mean?

I made my rockeoke debut last night. Sung Baby One More Time. I have no clue if I was in tune as it was packed and everyone was singing along.

Sounds fun! I've just eaten some delicious cake. I think I have pioneered the anti-dating thread

Hi OneDay!

Gosh I just read some old dating thread posts. I realised how utterly mental I went over a man I couldn't care less about now! In April 2014 I was declaring that I loved a man who obviously wanted nothing to do with me. By August I'd met the next man who was to hurt me (but nowhere near as much!!) I need to calm down and slow down. Reading those old threads is like reading the rantings of a totally different person. I've come so far. I can do this.

Can I just say, and this is not meant to be nasty or anything at all, but you do need to try and accept that yes you may be single forever. It is not a certainty no, and hopefully you will meet someone, but not accepting that you could end up alone is just going to hold you back imo, and I do know what I am on about.

That said, good luck and I hope you do find someone x

I don't think I want to accept that, but I get that I should live in the moment and not hold out for the future.