getting over the fear of being single forever

[dontcallmehon22]

I came out of a 12 year relationship in April 2013. Since then I had two disastrous 3 month relationships with men I met online.

I've decided to work on myself and build a brilliant active social life. I'm having counselling. I've entered a 5k run. But at the back of my mind I'm frightened that at 34, with 3 dc, maybe I'll never meet anyone again. I'm not actively looking right now, but I worry that when I'm ready - I'll never find them. I know some people are happy alone, but I won't be long term. I think getting rejected twice has made me feel like a reject that no man could ever love

I read about the two 3 month relationships. I know you feel they "dumped" you but you really dodged a bullet.

It isn't "single and lonely forever" vs "happily ever after". There is a "single and content" (actually there's a single and much more than content but maybe you're not that person) and there are a whole bunch of "not single, fucking miserable" options too. Get to the content stage. Once you're happy single, or content, and happy with how things are going, you'll be muh less inclined to risk 3 months of your life of these chancers. They were no good.

You are definitely being impatient. It can't have been longer than a week or two since you decided you wouldn't be dating anymore.
Please do more than not "actively" looking for a bloke. That makes it sound like you're still open to what comes along, if it does, next week. I think actively avoid getting drawn into anything. You aren't in a place of good judgment.

Give the hobbies and counselling 6-12 months and re-evaluate. Of course being single can be a little lonely, but you can meet social needs in other ways...you have to put the effort in to find them (just like you would have to put the effort in to meet a decent bloke anyway).

Good luck. Persist!!

Keep cracking with the jogging. Eat and rest well. Indulge in plenty of "me" time. Keep busy. See friends. Make friends. Look at how happy other long standing single women can be. They're not "wired differently" to you. That can be you. It doesn't have to be, obviously, but it can be if you choose it.

I was attached after just 3 months - maybe I'm odd. I really liked him and he told me how important I was to him. We spent lovely weekends together. I know it's not a long time. I'm sad for the loss of potential as much as anything. I don't see how you can sleep with someone, go on lovely trips out, concerts, watch scary films together, tell them you love them and then not be in anyway attached. I can't anyway.

I am impatient. Very much so. But these two three month things were so similar that I fear I'd simply repeat the same pattern. I think I'm depressed too, which makes it hard to motivate myself, so I'm dealing with that too. I know the right thing is to be single for a while. Even just a few months seems like a long time, but the idea of dating right now seems horrifying too. I just want to fast forward a few years.

Don't wish your life away. Live in the moment because this is probably quite a rare opportunity for you as someone who settled down very young. i.e. to be properly single, independent, adult and responsible only for yourself, your wishes, your needs and those of your DCs. There's no-one else to compromise for or accommodate.

The counselling may help you to identify why you are scared to be single and help,you not to jump into relationships too quickly. These generally do not end well.

Concentrate on you and the children. Build up your hobbies and social life, which will hopefully increase your confidence, which will help you see that being single can have huge benefits.

I have been single for over 5 years and I love it because:

My house, my rules.
No one to tell me what to do.
I make all my own decisions.
I can choose how to spend my money.
No one to clean up after.
Don't have to shave my legs if I can't be bothered.
Go out with my friends, without having to worry what a bloke thinks.
Don't have to worry about dividing my team between a boyfriend and friends
Even better - look at the amount of women on here who have lazy, selfish boyfriends and husbands. You don't have to put up with any of that.

Most importantly for me is my DS. He doesn't need or want a bloke around interfering with and spoiling our fun.

I do see that some people love being single. I don't and I won't ever love it, though I can perhaps learn to like it.

dont I think the point that people are trying to make is, that you haven't ever properly been single to be able to say how you feel about it. You've either been in a relationship, healing from one or pursuing the next one. You've never stood still and just been yourself. You've always seen yourself as one half of something. And if you keep saying ''I won't ever be happy single'', then, well, that's easily a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I learned a word here on MN recently - limerence - google it and read some of the articles on it. It gave me some perspective on why to so many people outside of a relationship, it is ridiculous to say that you love someone after such a short time. I dated that guy I 'found' when last on the dating thread for 8 months this year, spent almost every weekend together, and usually 1-2 weeknights as well, went on holiday twice, met each others friends and family. After all that, it turned out I still didn't really know him at all. It takes a long time to properly get to know someone. And you can't love someone that you don't know. Those quickly developed, super intense feelings, are not real love.

Having followed the first of your 3-month relationships (I'm assuming here) via the dating thread, my word lovely you DEFINITELY dodged a bullet there. That very very quickly became horrendously unhealthy for you. I remember actually being worried about you, and I'm just some random stranger on the internet. If the next relationship followed the same pattern, then yes, taking some time out would be a really really good thing for you.

For me a great antidote is reading the relationship boards here. Or anywhere else where you repeatedly see people posting about their horrendously disrespectful, nasty partners. And thinking carefully, how you don't want to end up like that. (And try to post to help/support these people too....rather than just use it as misery porn!)

You have to give single a chance and learn to like yourself as a single person rather than the single life per se. Reason being that, if you don't value yourself as an individual, get attached too easily & if you regard being independent as the worst possible thing you might as well put a big flashing sign over your head saying... 'Bit desperate. Treat me like poo'.

Doesn't mean swearing off dating or consigning yourself to a nunnery. It just means giving yourself the confidence to happily pull out of any relationship that isn't working before it has chance to cause you real hurt. People will respect you more.

I really appreciate the advice. I have been in a pattern of intense, short relationships I think. It's funny how you attract the same type. I agree I need to be happy alone, I think I do come across as desperate because I'm not yet happy. I can't do casual though, so being single means being celibate for an indefinite amount of time. But that's better than being repeatedly heartbroken.

Hi dont

I ended it with the man I was seeing at the beginning of September. I'm now 3 months in to being single and with each day that passes, I'm more content to be here.

I have been asked out since and, to begin with, it was flattering and reassuring that I wouldn't have to be on my own if I changed my mind. But I'm now increasingly irritated by it!

I won't be ready for a relationship for a very long time, if ever!

I would concentrate on yourself and block out these negative thoughts, focus on spending your time doing things that you enjoy & will build your confidence, fitness is a good one as it makes you feel great for example. Don't go looking too hard or you'll project your fears & that's counter productive. And, think about situations you can put yourself in where you might meet someone with similar interests.

Hi dontcallmehon!
I posted on your last thread. I am not surprised you are feeling attached to your last twunt. A tad of future faking went on there! Like you I am single and would rather not be. But i have decided to let nature take its course as it were and knocked the online dating on the head.
you are doing all the right things with regards to working on yourself and even if you are not feeling it i am a huge fan of that well trotted out phrase 'fake it until you make it'
When my recent ex dumped me at the beginning of September i took up walking again. I would be out walking with tears streaming down my face.
3 months on and i don't cry any more and my life has changed so much for the better. New friends new hobbies. Im positive someone special will come into my life one day but i no longer feel sad and alone.

An easy pattern to slip into is associating a relationship so much with personal happiness that you depend on it, then when things go pear shaped, it feels all the more painful to have that happiness ripped away

When you can reach the point where your own internal contentment and being comfortable with being you becomes your main source of happiness, that is likely when you will be ready to share yourself with someone. Listen to the words of the song "the greatest love of all". says it all! It will involve a change of mindset though

The early days of a relationship are intoxicating (for a reason, the endorphins flow as nature's way of binding people together) also men and women tend to bond differently. Their priorities are different. A man can compartmentalise physical from emotional more easily as a general rule.

But there are good men out there, it's just not a good idea to place so much emphasis on finding someone that you lose the ability to enjoy life independently.

Remember that someone is lucky to find you, not the other way around. You're doing them a favour by letting them be in your wonderful presence!

FYI, I have reported the spam above

These messages are really helping, I can't tell you how much. Every morning I wake up feeling flat and it has helped to read these thoughts today. I think eventually this fog will lift. Lovely to 'see' you again, folk I remember what you went through.

Since it ended I don't feel attractive anymore - I always felt attractive. But he was so so full on with the compliments and then it was as if he couldn't bear to touch me . But I probably need to work on feeling good about myself. I'm vulnerable to any old love bombing narcissist that comes along right now. I turned into a different person towards the end with the last guy. A person I didn't like. But relationships are about dynamics. I can't entirely blame myself. We just didn't work.

The other positive thing is that I'm sleeping well, eating well (I've put weight on - but the running will sort it hopefully!) and I'm taking anti depressants and drinking much less alcohol. The last guy was a big drinker and I ended up drinking a lot too. Now I rarely drink and if I do, it's a single glass.

I won't lie - I still feel sad.

Morning OP I totally relate to how you are feeling. I still feel very sad about my recent ex too, although the one bonus is that at least I don't have any feelings for my exH anymore, he cured me of that! And although I feel sad it's nothing like the gut-wrenching heartache of finding out exH was having an affair. So I know I can get through this.

Do you have nice plans for the weekend? ExH has the DC so I'm having a lazy morning then going out to dinner with some school mum friends later.

Oh and as for dating again, I had a look on POF and instantly realised it's far too soon. I've told myself I'll concentrate on getting christmas and new year over with and then see how I feel.

I am going to a happiness meet up group on Sunday - should be fun. Got the dc today, so might take them out somewhere. We're all still in pyjamas. I won't date till I've got any pain from previous relationships out of my head completely.

I don't think you will be as vulnerable next time though. Your bullshit radar will be finely tuned. Had you even heard of love bombing before? I hadn't and if i see that again i will be very guarded.

I had and I'd even experienced it. But guy 2 knew about guy 1 and told me 'trust me. Trust you.' He said 'we're not a pair of idiots. But this feels right, doesn't it?' He paraded me around all his friends and family six weeks after we met!! Talked about how much he was looking forward to Christmas. Talked about how he was going to get a dog and settle down with me. I thought 'ooh maybe it's genuine this time?'

I think he believed the things he was saying too.

Noone needs to take the blame for a relationship not working out. Sometimes it just turns out you're not compatible. You shouldn't be having to change yourself into a person you don't like to try to make something work, although I hear you on that and have been guilty of the same, which annoys the hell out of me and really makes me what to be alert for it happening in the future. But life is a leading curve, right?

So don't 'not entirely' blame yourself, don't blame yourself at all. There doesn't need to be blame.
Keep on going through that fog . Have you ever tried mindfulness techniques? Really helps me deal with sad feelings/mild-moderate depression, CBT techniques as well, but I guess your therapist is probably guiding you there.

folk! it's like a 60s reunion. Erm, thread numbers not decade!

Ooh, x-posts, what's a happiness meet up? Cos it sounds amazing and I want to go to one!

It was more that he influenced me in ways I didn't like. I felt insecure around him, so I'd overcompensate by telling him how great I was, like I was trying to convince him I was worthy of him! He also drank a lot and I can't handle my drink if I go overboard. So I became a boastful, embarrassing drunk! I feel like he didn't know the real me and I'm frustrated that he didn't see that I'm a nice person.

We do lots of activities - this week it's dinner and a spiritual dance workshop! Worth a try...

I'm trying mindfulness. I'm not good at it yet.