Husband is not good with baby

[mendelli]

I am having a hard time with DH's relationship with DS. This is our first baby and he's 14 weeks old. My DH is so strange about him - never calls him by his name, just 'son' which is almost a possessive thing. He says things like 'he MY son & has MY name' ( we don't have the same surname) but 2 minutes later will be screaming at DS if he dares to cry. He says awful things like 'shut the fk up you little sht' which upset me so much. He has almost smashed the pram up 3 times when in a rage, and thrown things across the room when DS wouldn't stop crying.
He doesn't care about spending time with baby either. If he finishes work early, he will go to the gym rather than come home to be there for DS's bedtime.

But strangely, he talks constantly about how soon we can have another baby, and actually he was the one who was keen to have kids in the first place, not me.

I feel so alone and am really starting to feel angry and resentful. What can I do? I have tried to talk about it but he just turns it around on me and says I'm over sensitive.

OP, google 'baby thrown against wall'. With the exception of drug-related cases, almost all coverage uses the word 'frustrated' and phrases like 'fit of rage' to explain the defendant's actions.

Bloody hell when I saw the thread title I thought you would be talking about a oh who was unsure how to change a nappy or who had to be told the baby needs his bottle, stuff like that. Not a abusive horrible man!

Seriously get your baby away from him, shouting at a 14 week old?! Smashing up the baby's pram. He sure has a temper on him and I would hate to risk my son's safety with a man like that.

Ring women's aid for some advice or go to a family members.

OP I am terrified for you. And for your baby. Please when you get up tomorrow, call your GP or HV and get some support, and call women's aid too.

I grew up in an abusive household too, and I did some things I'm not proud of when my DD was small and I was stressed and sleep deprived. But I recognised that I had a problem and got help, my DD is now 2 and is the happiest loving chatty little girl who is well attached and very chilled. I am so glad I got help to change my behaviour, and didn't minimise or justify it.

PLEASE put your baby first and get some help xx

I hardly ever comment on threads but this is too much. I feel so upset that this innocent, fragile baby is stuck in the same house as this bastard - if anyone behaved in any way like this to or around my baby son I would want to kill them. It is disgusting that a grown man can behave like this and you need to get yourselves out of there. If you can't leave him then get your baby to safety at least. I am so angry that this is happening - you must take action NOW.

I have just reported it as well. Op's reply was really worrying for me. I don't know if mumsnet will be able to do anything and bring it to the attention of officials but it's a try at least. I would hate to think of that baby being hurt after op posted worrying signs on here first.

Your sense of what is normal has been destroyed by your own childhood. Please protect your tiny baby. You are his mum. You can do this.

A lot of abusers start abusing in pregnancy or when the baby is new - police estimates are that this is so in 50% of cases. Abusers also often press for children because maternity makes women vulnerable and easier to control. The man who burned his house down, killing six of his children, pressured all the women in his life to reproduce for that reason. He was an abuser.

So, so many red flags. Please call Women's Aid. Please. You deserve help, and your baby deserves you to get that help so you can protect him.

I'm distressed at the idea that a newborn baby who is being screamed at when already in a state of distress is 'not being harmed' because he's not being hit,

Your dp is emotionally harming your baby - the damage will b permanent.

The next thing will be your baby being thrown across the room, if my daughters dad behaved like that he would have to be gone straight away. couldn't trust this man and feel sorry for your baby

Please actually listen to all of these replies, OP.

You do need to leave (and I hate it when mumsnet says that!). I'm sorry this has happened to you. But your little boy is too precious and too vulnerable to be shouted at and exposed to violence - not now, not in two years when he'll understand it better, not in ten years. It's not your fault that your DP is so awful, but you are now the only person with a responsibility to get him out of that situation. Read some testimonials from mothers whose babies have been badly damaged by partners. Often they never saw it coming. Never thought it would happen. You have seen this coming. Please get your baby out. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if anything happened, I know.

I wasn't expecting this from the thread title...

Op you have a baby who is completely dependant on you to keep him safe, even if it doesn't escalate to physical abuse no child deserves a parent who treats them like that. It isn't the right environment to bring a child up into and I can't imagine what damage it would do your son.

If you get in touch with WOmen's AId and social services, you can have this disgusting shitbag man forcibly removed from the house and forbidden to return. He is extremely dangerous and you do need to protect your baby - and yourself - from him, You don't have to do it alone. Please get help.

OP, your baby's life is at risk, but even if the worst doesn't happen and the baby does not come to any physical harm, he is already being emotionally harmed. They absorb the anger from their surroundings, I have seen this with my dgd. Fortunately at the first sign of this type of behaviour and my dd kicked him out but it still took the poor child a couple of weeks to stop sounding angry when she cried.

I rarely post on these threads but seriously OP you need to remove yourself and your baby from this abusive situation now.. I found myself in a very similar situation to you, exP used my daughter as a weapon against me. He locked me out of the house when she was crying and refused to let me in to feed her, he ?too got angry when he was holding her and I was terrified that he would hurt her and his anger made him very irrational. He ruined her 1st Christmas and I left him on Boxing Day when my DD was 5 months old. She is now 14 and I have never ever regretted my decision. She deserved to be brought in in a happy home surrounded by people who love, care and respect her.
Other posters are right you are minimising his behaviour. Please reach out to people you trust - you will be surprised just how supportive friends and family can be...
Your DS needs you to be strong for him. You both deserve to be safe and your DS deserves positive role models in his life x

OP the PP upthread is right. This is not your fault. You deserve better from life.
And I know that you probably just wish this would all just get better. But I really don't think it will while you are still in the house with your h. It is hard to think about breaking up when you have such a small child.

But you can do this. It is actually much easier to look after a small baby when you don't have someone shouting at you. Not only will you be fine on your own, you will actually be much better on your own.

You can do this. You need to be strong. Tell someone, please.

Seriously - leave this man. Re-read your own post. Make a plan, get your shit together to get away before he injures or kills this poor child.

Op if you are still reading I hope you are ok....please don't normalise this behaviour....it is very worrying.

Please don't feel you can't come back to thread....

If your partner is like this now, wait until child is walking and talking and causing mayhem (which they all do)

Even the most patient of people are tested by children at some point and is he is behaving so despicably towards a tiny baby I dread to think how he would be towards an older child.

This thread has chilled me to the core and I implore the OP to get the fuck away from this man TODAY.

Your partner cannot keep his anger under control.

He probably doesn't want to hurt your baby, but when he is in a rage he does not or cannot control himself. And he does not have the self reflection to recognise that he is a massive risk to your baby. Or maybe he is very selfish and doesn't care. His motives don't matter at this stage.

Babies can be very trying on your patience, fortunately most people have a huge aversion to shouting at their baby or being violent to their baby's property, it is abhorrent to most people.

Your DP does not have that. Maybe he was abused as a child. That is sad. If you didn't have a child it would be your decision whether to stay with him when he has such a temper, and although I would urge you to leave as an adult you would be entitled to make your own choices, however risky. But you absolutely must not keep your baby in a risky situation. Your baby is relying on you to keep him safe from harm. Your baby can't keep himself safe, you need to keep him safe.

Your husband could easily be pushed over the edge. Babies are very vulnerable to injury. Your baby could be killed or severely injured with a few seconds of loss of control. Your partner would be in prison. Maybe he would be very regretful, but the damage would have been done.

My father had violent rages when he lost control of himself. My mum would drag him away from me. I was terrified. Relative to some violent parents he didn't attack me often, the odd punch or push, it was usually shouting and posturing, but he seemed to not be in control of himself and to see him shouting in a rage was terrifying. In between he was pleasant and cheerful. I don't know how old I was when it started. I grew up thinking that was normal, and it was very damaging. Especially the unpredictability, i spent my childhood walking on eggshells. As an adult I realised that he could have easily seriously hurt me and I am so, so angry that my mother never called the police, never even considered leaving. Wtf was she thinking?! I would never, ever put my baby in that situation.

One of the saddest things is that my DH is lovely and gentle and trustworthy, but sometimes when he raises his arm- to stroke my hair for example- I automatically flinch away. My DH is so upset by this. This pattern of expecting violence is still there, decades later, after therapy, in a good relationship. Please don't let this happen to your baby.

OP you are from an abusive family, and therefore think it's not really a big deal. It is. It's absolutely not normal. That man is extremely dangerous and based on your other thread, not a nice, caring partner otherwise either.
Your son will also grow up thinking it's normal to be terrified of his own dad. That's not how it's supposed to be.

OP, just want to clarify one thing. You say 'he's never hurt the baby and wouldn't' or words to that effect.

Shouting shut the fuck up, throwing things and creating a tense and toxic atmosphere of intense fear, is harming your baby. And you, of course. But you can chose to leave and your baby can't. He relies on you to make that decision to keep you all safe. Please protect yourselves from this harm and all future harm from this dangerous man.

OP, how are you feeling about things today? I know there are a lot of people here telling you what to do (out if genuine concern), but ultimately you are the person involved in this situation, living it day in, day out. You sound like you are aware that something is not right. But moving from that to making a change in your life is a big step. Do you have a friend in real life or a family member who you can talk this through with? If you keep this behaviour secret you are not helping anyone, and could be putting your baby at risk. Don't feel you have to change anything now - come back to the thread and talk whenever you feel ready

you need to go away from him for now... only have him visit the baby under controlled supervised conditions.

tell your hv,

he needs to address his anger issues and his past but only he can do this.