Husband is not good with baby

[mendelli]

I am having a hard time with DH's relationship with DS. This is our first baby and he's 14 weeks old. My DH is so strange about him - never calls him by his name, just 'son' which is almost a possessive thing. He says things like 'he MY son & has MY name' ( we don't have the same surname) but 2 minutes later will be screaming at DS if he dares to cry. He says awful things like 'shut the fk up you little sht' which upset me so much. He has almost smashed the pram up 3 times when in a rage, and thrown things across the room when DS wouldn't stop crying.
He doesn't care about spending time with baby either. If he finishes work early, he will go to the gym rather than come home to be there for DS's bedtime.

But strangely, he talks constantly about how soon we can have another baby, and actually he was the one who was keen to have kids in the first place, not me.

I feel so alone and am really starting to feel angry and resentful. What can I do? I have tried to talk about it but he just turns it around on me and says I'm over sensitive.

I agree with getting an emergency gp appointment tomorrow and calling women's aid. This is not just a man struggling with parenthood it is really scary.

What you are describing isn't 'not being good with a baby'. It's being agressive and nasty and downright worrying around such a young baby. Certainly don't even consider having another child. In fact I don't think you should stay in this relationship any longer.

Thank you everyone for the replies. He has never been physically abusive to me or to DS. He has always had quite a short fuse and will shout when stressed, (this is learned behaviour as his father is extremely verbally abusive) but it has become much worse since DS was born because of the stress / sleep deprivation.

I am a very calm person, and would normally let him yell and 'blow off steam', but now I have far less patience for this kind of thing.

We had a big row once when I questioned his parenting skills. He was holding DS at the time, and he then became very angry. I wanted him to pass me the baby as I said I was scared for him to be holding DS in this mood, but he refused to hand him over. My criticism of his parenting skills made things much much worse. He has assured me he would never ever hurt DS. I know he would never ever hurt him intentionally. He loves DS and is a good man despite what I have said, but he just has zero patience and I guess it's become very clear he does have anger issues.

My stepfather was physically and verbally abusive and when I compare my situation now with what I experienced growing up, it seems like nothing in comparison. I'm not sure it warrants calling the police or leaving him, but I know I need to address it somehow.

Are you fucking crazy?!???

Sorry that was very harsh of me. Please please get away. It's not normal, it's scary. I have a 12 week old and if my dp ever spoke to her that way he'd be out the door in heart beat

His assurances that he would never hurt the baby mean nothing when he has no control over his own behaviour.

This is not something you can address, only he can address it and only then if he is minded to.

Meanwhile, you need to get the baby away from him to a safe place.

The fact that he comparatively less abusive than your stepfather means nothing other than that you are conditioned to abuse.

As people say on here, the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

It only takes your husband to push the pram over in a fit of rage, or lash out or throw something to end up with a dead baby.

I don't think you really quite grasp the seriousness of the situation you are in.

If you had told anyone in a position of authority what you have written here, they would be obliged to report the case to the social services due to the child protection issues.

You need to tell him he needs to sort these anger issues out or you WILL leave. And be prepared to action if he doesn't not keep his end of the bargain up. Your baby relies on you to keep him safe. By continuing to put up with H's behaviour you are giving DH the green light that it's ok to continue.

He needs outside help and before it's too late.

He's a good man.

Who swears and screams at a baby. Seriously?

I got angry today when I saw a mother roughing up her primary school aged daughter. That was bad enough but shouting at a baby

You are not thinking straight.

Throwing things on rage is classed as domestic violence.
The police would remove him for this because they see it as a serious issue.

Don't think you can count on his word he won't harm your ds espevially after he refused to give him back to you in a potentially dangerous situation.
the fact he has not been violent before is no guarantee of safety. Dv often begins or escalates after the birth of a child.

Instead you need to imagine what would happen if he did harm your ds??

Also, why should you have to live like this? Why? it is not up to you to put up with it is up to him to stop it or leave.

He is being physically abusive, he is smashing and throwing things. He is a very violent man.

I am scared he is going to kill your son.

Can you leave?

You need to protect your son from this man. Just because he isn't as abusive as another man doesn't mean he isn't abusive, he is.

You don't know he won't hurt your son, how could you know for sure?

You grew up in an abusive environment, do you really want that for your son?

A person you can trust does not shout at a tiny baby.

'He would never hurt him intentionally' is a meaningless statement. No, he probably would not cold-bloodedly think 'This baby is really annoying me - I am going to hit him, that will sort things out.' No, what will happen is that he will, one day, lose his temper, throw something and it will hit and perhaps seriously injure your child. Or, he will handle him more roughly than he thinks he is, or put him down forcefully. It is easy to injure a tiny baby - heavens, some of us have done it while taking our eyes off them for a second or when we're trying our best to be careful. He is not in control and is not reasonable.

Doesn't warrant leaving him? Yes it fucking well does, if you intend to be a good enough parent to care for your child properly. If you do not believe us, go to your GP and tell them what you have put here.

Your H needs help, and your child needs protecting, before there is a tragedy.

It doesn't matter how his behaviour compares to your stepfathers, or that he is tired or that he wasn't abusive before. His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and you should not make any excuses for him.

When I read that title, it bought you meant your dh was like mine when dc's were tiny, didn't really know how to stop them crying, clueless about bathing, changing etc, bit useless but loved them
Your dh sound dangerous, shouting at a baby and almost smashing the pram up,red lights flashing!!!
Is he ever aggressive or violent towards you, do you want your son to grow up fearful in his own home? Sorry you're dealing with this but I agree with others that you should get advice from someone in real life about this, are you scared of him? Don't put up with it

Oh, and almost equally worrying is your DH's attitude towards the baby. He is possessive, jealous, controlling - but on the flip side, not actually interested in building a relationship with the baby or seeing him as a little person to get to know. Just a THING that he owns most intensely and wants to be the one dictating on. Very scary - not AT ALL right, NOT NORMAL.

Get help before something happens that you, and probably he, bitterly regret.

OP, please don't justify this mans behaviour. He would scare me. He isn't in control of his behaviour, which is why he throws things in a child like temper and swears at your baby! So how exactly can you be so sure he has control over not hurting your or your baby? It's simple, you don't and neither does he.

You need to leave before he goes too far. Your baby doesn't deserve this. If my DH ever spoke to our DS in this way, I wouldn't hesitate to leave, its verbal abuse.

Put your thoughts second and your son first in this situation.

I posted on your other thread.

He is dangerous. You think he won't harm the baby intentionally. This means that you acknowledge on some level that he might harm the baby "unintentionally" when he is in a rage.

Any substance abuse? Steroids?

Thing that immediately struck me is that if he's like this with a baby, how is he going to react when he loses his temper with a toddler that pulls over something important, scribbles on something, breaks something, won't do what you tell them to do?

OP If you were really sure he wouldn't hurt your child would you have posted here? Please think very carefully about your baby's welfare. It would just take a split second, once, for this to escalate beyond your control. As it stands you have a choice, you can choose for your baby to be treated like a valid human being, or for him to be abused (albeit "only" verbally so far) by a father that, by your own admission, does not seem interested in his son.

Like the other posters, I am seriously worried for your son. I am worried that your husband will lose his temper one day and kill or seriously injure his baby.

I really don't think that's something you can easily dismiss.

Believe me, I know how tough it is adjusting to parenthood, I expect most people on this thread do- and we've probably all had our moments of thinking 'I can't take any more'. But for a parent to scream at a baby, lose their temper and throw things- that parent needs help asap. Your husband should be going to his GP.

And in the meantime, you should be living apart from him and you should not be allowing him to have any time unsupervised with your child. Not even 5 minutes.

I'm reporting this thread.

Ok let's be honest here now because this is making me a little angry.

You are only going to do anything once he has hurt your baby aren't you. That's what's coming across. Sorry to be blunt, and I'm not normally like this! But there is NO WAY on this earth I would be sharing a home and letting my DH near our baby if he was showing that same behaviour, no matter how much I loved him -This is an accident/non accident waiting to happen.

He needs to want to address his anger issues.... Protect your ds and see this abuse for what it is.

And I reccommend others do the same. This thread is not....well I could be wrong but I want MNHQ to check it out

Best case scenario: he continues the shouting and throwing things and your little boy grows up terrified of his Dad, unable to develop properly because he doesn't feel safe at home. Long term, tour son ends up unable to make stable relationships, with low self esteem, probably drug and mental health problems.

Worst case: he kills your baby.

Let me tell you something else that might happen. He hurts your son - shakes him, maybe, leaving him with brain damage. Or breaks a bone in his leg or his little arm. You take him to hospital and your son is taken into care because YOU failed to protect him. And you never see him again unless in a supervised contact centre.

Just leave him.