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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He called me a lunatic

115 replies

Lula2515 · 26/11/2014 00:16

Which I quite possibly am because I'm posting about the same thing again. I don't expect you to understand, I just need to get it out there..

DP and I have been having problems for a while. Nearly left him when I was heavily pregnant as he'd denied I was his gf and pretended he didn't know I was pregnant to two women he was flirting with on a business trip.

He knows what a huge issue that was for me...I was devastated. I only found out because I was looking at his work emails.
We had a big chat on Monday night about whether we should stay together, I had asked him about something to do with the messages, which was months ago but is still playing on my mind. I basically thought he had lied to get in one of their pants.

We had this big chat and decided to move fwd with me trusting him and him showing me he loved me.

Well I just looked at his work emails again (I know that's not quite my side of the deal..) and on Monday afternoon (so in fairness before the chat) he was emailing the woman we had an issue with in the first place saying that being a dad was horrific because he was so exhausted and "the mum is a lunatic". I'm so upset that he a. Called me "the mum" and b. was again slagging me off to this woman.

He was also messaging a friend saying he'd looked up how much he'd have to pay me in child support and she had sent him a couple of links to properties he could rent...so god knows what he's been saying to her.

I'm now hiding in the toilet not sure how to carry on....should I just accept that we were having a rough time and this was before our chat? Or bring it up with the risk that he will go ape shit?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lula2515 · 26/11/2014 11:18

No medical reasons. He just started off saying he was too tired/stressed/unhappy with his body then it turned into worrying about hurting the baby. He used to like sex A LOT which is why I was suspicious and went snooping.

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 26/11/2014 11:19

Oh my God stop doing this to yourself.

You have a wonderful baby, only 4 weeks - this is the amazing precious time you'll never get back. You've got supportive family, and you could be winging your way to them right now so that you and your scrumptious baby could spend Christmas Day surrounded by warmth and support and fun, looked after and cherished, with you able to spend all day cuddling and chatting and having a lovely time...knowing that you've got over the hurdle, you've faced the reality that this guy is a loser and once he's gone, the only way is up for you and your baby.

Instead you're spending that precious time alone, cleaning a house just so that your efforts can be ignored, checking up on this shitbag's grubby arrangements, worrying what worthless chat he's having with equally skanky, worthless twats that no sensible person would pass the time of day with. All the time, you're spending your days being ground further down instead of starting the journey back up.

He's not worth ANYTHING! You will never get anything but shit from this man - he's got nothing else to give. He'll treat the next person the same, so wave him off to her with a smile. Please, stop wasting this wonderful time being dragged down by such an utter, utter waste of space.

Windywinston · 26/11/2014 11:22

Listen we all know that snooping is wrong, but when your partner has already broken your trust then they can't simply demand to wipe the slate clean and expect the trust to come right back. Trust takes time to build and every time you've looked you've found something, so why wouldn't you?

He sounds like he's planning to leave, but doesn't really want to be the bad guy, so do it yourself.

Sweetheart, your mum isn't objective, of course she wants you to be happy and she knows you had your happiness pinned on a perfect family unit with this guy, but that's not what he's offering, you can be a perfect family without him being in your life, disrespecting you and treating you like shit.

YouAreMyRain · 26/11/2014 11:37

He's horrid. He will only get worse.

AnyFucker · 26/11/2014 11:43

Seriously ?

You are going to wait until you can "test" his commitment to you by seeing what he does once he has no other excuses to not have sex with you ?

< shakes head >

Original poster

Lula2515 · 26/11/2014 11:46

I understand how that sounds...I'd be shaking my head if anyone else told me...but if I'm honest, it's what I've now (ridiculously) built my self worth on. And whilst I can see that's not healthy, I need to feel needed and worth something from him

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2014 11:51

Well you'll be a very long time waiting for that.
And while you are waiting your self esteem will hit the floor.
Rejection after rejection is really hard to handle.
You'll feel like shit and he'll leave you anyway!
Why is THIS GUY worth it?
From what you have written he's a knob of the highest order and will not be a good role model for your DC.
I just don't get it - sorry!

OTheHugeManatee · 26/11/2014 11:55

He's an utter shit. LTB

YouAreMyRain · 26/11/2014 11:57

He is nasty. He will take advantage of your desperation and you will feel worse and more dependent on him and he will see this as a licence to become nastier.

Your relationship now is as good as it gets.

He has zero respect for you. It can only possibly get worse.

dadwood · 26/11/2014 11:58

built my self worth on don't give your self worth to somebody else to look after. Especially not this guy!

YouAreMyRain · 26/11/2014 12:00

By looking to him for affection and approval you are basically choosing years, possibly decades, of misery.

No one on here can see anything positive about this situation. Don't let fear make the decision for you.

McSqueezy · 26/11/2014 12:13

Denying your pregnancy, and disrespecting you by badmouthing you behind your back! A 'normal' man would be proud of the both of you, showing off his other half and his newborn to the world.

Any man who doesn't...well you really have to wonder why.

You need to ask yourself whether his behaviour sounds right to you? What advice would you give an unhappy friend in the same situation? And is this the life you want for both you and your child? Constant misery, constant suspicion...

By leaving him your immediate future may seem bleak...for now. Being alone is not easy, but it does get easier. The likely alternative based on what you have said is waiting for him to cheat in your face, or leaving both you and the baby. He sounds very manipulative to me, which may well be clouding your vision.

The messages was him showing you who he really is - He is not happy with you. My advice is to heed the warning and leave before he causes you more unhappiness.

wallypops · 26/11/2014 12:14

Sorry, this is going to be harsh.

It doesn't really matter what you think, or what you want to do, because he is leaving you. Emotionally he has already left you, IMO he did that months ago. He is just lining up his ducks and then he is out of there, into wherever with his new fuckbuddy, and make no mistake he is getting it elsewhere already.

So, your plan is to let him leave you once he has fucked you - just to make absolutely sure that your remaining minimalist self esteem is on the floor. Because how will you feel when he leaves you after sex? Then he will have literally and metaphorically fucked you over. He doesn't need to tell you the truth, only enough to string you along until he is ready to go. Of course your snooping pisses him off because then he has to string out a whole load of annoying platitudes to get you to shut up again. At a guess he'll be gone physically the minute Christmas is done, where you will have tried to buy his affection with presents you can't afford, and he'll be ready for the new year parties. Save your money, go to your mums, and get every penny you can for your baby.

Original poster

Lula2515 · 26/11/2014 12:17

OP posts:

Original poster

Lula2515 · 26/11/2014 12:19

This was his message to me before the chat....do you think he's trying to make it my fault if we break up?...

I just don't think you are happy with me and I know you still think I have cheated on you but the truth is I haven't and I don't know how to prove to you a negative. I think we should have a chat tonight rather than do this over text you don't need to have an excuse if you want to end things which with last night and our conversation last week seems to me to be the case. I think we need to talk , so will be home tonight to talk.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lula2515 · 26/11/2014 12:19

Also...look how reasonable he sounds!!

OP posts:

dadwood · 26/11/2014 12:23

B*d!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/11/2014 12:28

Oh honey, what on earth difference does Christmas or sex make? This relationship isn't working. He is pretending he is single and you are accepting that? Why?

I'm so sorry he is treating you so badly.

niceupthedance · 26/11/2014 12:29

If you have a break clause in your tenancy in feb I'd phone the agent next month and see if he's given notice. I think it's two months usually.

This is presuming you're going to hang on til the bitter end

MistyMistletoe · 26/11/2014 12:31

Hi Lula I have not read full thread, however from what I've read; He doesn't sound committed to you. He certainly isn't showing you any respect. Do you want someone like that as a partner? Hope your ok.

scallopsrgreat · 26/11/2014 12:32

He wants you to break up with him so he doesn't get to feel guilty. He really is playing you Lula.

FelicityGubbins · 26/11/2014 12:37

Lula, that isn't him being reasonable, that is him being manipulative!
We're not just bored housewives sat at home trying to wreak havoc with people's marriages for shits and giggles, everyone is telling you he is destroying your mental wellbeing because he is, and being on the outside looking in makes it far more obvious to us than it does to you.

5toocoolforschool · 26/11/2014 12:43

Lula please do yourself and your baby a favour and go to stay with your mum.It will seem much better once you are actually rid of him ad you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Annarose2014 · 26/11/2014 12:45

"I really tried to make it work with Lula, I really did. She just kept on accusing me of all sorts and how could I persuade her I'd done nothing wrong? I dunno...maybe it was the hormones, I dunno..."

He is busily arranging the he will portray to everyone.

Honestly, if he is that manipulative I would actually recommend you print out the "the mums a lunatic" email. At least he can't then imply during your chat that you are being completely paranoid and doolally.

But don't mention the child support one, as that is easier to twist around on you. "I was just asking a friend about it cos YOU seemed like you wanted to end it and I was scared!" Cue: wounded bird impression.

PTAblues · 26/11/2014 12:49

You poor thing. You can test his commitment by leaving/throwing him out and see if he fights for you. You need to get the upper hand. He is convinced you will put up with any old shit because he is important and you aren't. Prove to him you are stronger than that.
FWIW I think you are better off without him even though you don't think it now. You'll be second guessing him for ever, falling over yourself to keep him happy and then he'll probably leave you eventually anyway. He sounds like a twat.
Good luck.

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