He called me a lunatic

[Lula2515]

Which I quite possibly am because I'm posting about the same thing again. I don't expect you to understand, I just need to get it out there..

DP and I have been having problems for a while. Nearly left him when I was heavily pregnant as he'd denied I was his gf and pretended he didn't know I was pregnant to two women he was flirting with on a business trip.

He knows what a huge issue that was for me...I was devastated. I only found out because I was looking at his work emails.
We had a big chat on Monday night about whether we should stay together, I had asked him about something to do with the messages, which was months ago but is still playing on my mind. I basically thought he had lied to get in one of their pants.

We had this big chat and decided to move fwd with me trusting him and him showing me he loved me.

Well I just looked at his work emails again (I know that's not quite my side of the deal..) and on Monday afternoon (so in fairness before the chat) he was emailing the woman we had an issue with in the first place saying that being a dad was horrific because he was so exhausted and "the mum is a lunatic". I'm so upset that he a. Called me "the mum" and b. was again slagging me off to this woman.

He was also messaging a friend saying he'd looked up how much he'd have to pay me in child support and she had sent him a couple of links to properties he could rent...so god knows what he's been saying to her.

I'm now hiding in the toilet not sure how to carry on....should I just accept that we were having a rough time and this was before our chat? Or bring it up with the risk that he will go ape shit?

Stand up to him how though? I've tried talking to him about things and about how his lies and flirting have made me unhappy.

Jesus he just borrowed my phone to use the light when I had this conversation open on my phone ...heart in mouth moment

Stand up to him by having this conversation in person for a start. You've found more hurtful stuff and you're hiding it... why? Are you frightened of him or frightened he'll walk out? If he gets defensive or starts calling you a lunatic, stand up to him again. You're in the right here. All the time you dodge this stuff or allow yourself to be fobbed off, he'll just read it as carte blanche to keep doing the same thing.

Because I shouldn't have been snooping and that's the only reason I found stuff

He'll also bring up that we had a big chat after all that was said and will say that I am dredging stuff up when we've moved on and I'm trying to break us up...I know exactly how it will go as I've had these conversations so many times with him before.

I guess if I'm honest, yes I'm scared of him leaving me. Regardless of whether it's the right thing, it's just not what I want and these chats we keep having make him cross and are obviously pushing him to look at leaving

...god I sound pathetic

This man will leave you when he has a soft landing lined up

He is spoiling the precious time you should be having with your newborn

I suggest you cut out any further heartbreak and anxiety by taking control and leaving

Your mum might be lovely but she is wrong to encourage you to stick around for more of the same

Leave before he leaves you

You can swat away accusations of snooping and 'dredging stuff up' on the grounds of having proved it was right to snoop and right to be suspicious. Two wrongs don't make a right but a whopping great big fat wrong tends to trump a few minor ones. Or was he planning telling you voluntarily that he refers to you as a lunatic and is looking for flats to rent etc?

If someone has been caught with their pants down the onus is on them to behave in a consistently more trustworthy and open manner, not on the innocent party to act like nothing happened. So far he has failed.

If you don't want him to leave you have to be strong, not weak.

I don't understand why after the talk, you just have to TRUST HIM!
How does that work?
It's just possible.
He now has to rebuild that trust.
They means complete open book with his phone and computer.
You have every right to snoop.
He should have nothing to hide and should be willing to allow you access to all of his correspondents!
He can't say 'Trust Me' and you just do it.

I also believe you are flogging a dead horse here.
He'll be off soon enough.
Just get to your mums and get some love and care. You need that right now.
4 weeks after giving birth you should not be worrying about all this crap.
Get yourself some space away.

That should be it's just NOT possible!!! DOH.

You were snooping because you were very rightly suspicious of him. After the messages that you've found I honestly wouldn't think he has a leg to stand on and if he dares to accuse you of snooping go mad at him. Just because it was 'just' before your chat does not mean he has any plans to change.

Please confront him and get him out of your life. You and your precious baby are worth so much more. It will never work with him and the longer you stay with him the more pain you'll experience.

This man does not love you, care for you or respect you.

He has denyed your existance to other women so he can flirt and possibly sleep with them.

He refers to you as 'the mum' when texting other women - a classic sign of trying to prove the two of you are not together.

He must have spoken to other women about moving out - their sending him info on rental properties!!

Phone your mum, tell her whats happend, tell her that he's humiliated and lied to you and that you can't wait til Xmas.

He's a lieing coward of a man - your love for him is based on an image that he projects of himself not the real him.

Give yourself a bit of breathing space.

Could you go to your mum's? Its such early days post birth that you really don't need the stress. Raising a baby takes so much energy and you need to be looked after and it can't be restful with this relationship anxiety.

I so sorry but I think this man is looking to get out of the relationship but for whatever reason can't make the move.He has been deeply disrespectful of you but blames you.

The comments he has made are definitely valid reasons to leave the relationship, you deserve much more than this, however he has done it at a time when you are most vulnerable so of course you don't feel able to just pack up and leave.I understand your fear of him leaving but hopefully overtime you will feel you deserve more.
He should feel lucky to have you and you also need to believe you are worth so much more than this.Please try and be selfish, prioiritise yourself and believe you deserve more than he is giving.

Preciousbane. .. that's exactly how I feel...yesterday I killed myself cleaning the flat and cooking dinner for when he'd got home even though I'd had a really tough day with ds and had had to take him to the gp...DP didn't acknowledge my efforts just asked why I'd chosen a pie with mushrooms then said never mind because he'd had a nice pie earlier on his business lunch

I know what you're all saying makes sense but I'm just so desperately clinging onto that things might get better. Does it really sound like he might leave me? We have a break clause in our rental agreement for Feb. ..surely he wouldn't do that to DS?

He is already doing it to ds by treating the mother of his child like crap

A selfish person will do anything to anyone because the only person that matters to them is themselves. Don't sit there silently, fretting, making pies and waiting to be dumped... it's demeaning.

Yes it does sound like he will soon leave you. Tbh, it sounds like he's trapped and desperately looking for a way out whilst still being able to pat himself on the back that he gave "the lunatic" his best shot.

I don't think he loves you at all. I think the only reason he's still there is because he would be socially unpopular if he left you. He's waiting until he can say to people "Look, I did my best but she's clearly unstable"

And tbh, if you keep putting up with this, you WILL become a lunatic. You're already sounding desperate. Would you, in your younger previous life, have ever stayed with a boyfriend who called you a lunatic to his fuck buddy? Of course not, you'd have dumped him. But now you're just asking "Will HE leave ME?" as if thats the worst thing that could possibly happen. How did it come to this, that you're so desperate to cling onto a chesting twat who doesn't even like you?

And its not because of the baby - the baby won't know any different. By the time the baby actually develops lasting memory in a few years time, this guy will be long gone anyway.

Why bother with this guy?

The fact is he does not think you are in a relationship, he is creating other options.

Baby only makes things worse from his point of view.

What a loser. Get rid.

Annarose. .. you've just summed up exactly how I really feel and what I know really to be true...The part about giving the lunatic a chance in particular

The fact that sticks out for me is that he has completely different stories with different facts that he uses for different people.
If he is charming to the outside world and not to you then he is using markedly different faces as well as different stories.

If you stay with him you will be permanently manipulated, miserable, suspicious and unsupported. He doesn't seem to value you.

He probably doesn't value anybody.

So, love, what are you going to do about it ?

Duck your head and get on with doing the Pick Me Dance. Pretend you never saw what you did. Carry on dying slowly inside ?

Come on. You and your baby deserve a fuckload better than this. Big Girl Pants on now.

You're not having a rough time. You're done!! :-(
My goodness, why do you love him?
Of course you're a lunatic! I would be driven to lunacy by such a man.
He has hijacked your trust and peace of mind.
Stop sporting the hair shirt and tormenting yourself. This is not love, it's madness and for some strange reason, you're trying to love an unlovable man and make a success of a sure-fire failure.
He's charming to the outside world and an a-hole to you because he's a sociopath darling. Run for the hills. They are messy, messy, messy all over the place.

Ahhh I'm not ready for big girl pants!!!!

I don't know. I need to think. I'm not sure confronting him about what I saw is sensible. Or would be any use anyway.

My mum had suggested waiting til after christmas because DP hasn't had sex with me since August. .and even that was half arsed and under pressure from me. There's been loads of different excuses but by Christmas I will have been given the go ahead from the doctor and there really should be no reason not to. The no sex thing started my self doubt and insecurity...it's not nice being rejected constantly by the man you love. I think it's mainly that which has made me into what I am now (coupled with finding messages)

As already said, he will just up and leave when it suits him because he's not emotionally invested in your relationship.

He'll get the timing right to keep up his prince charming act. Don't let him do that to you as well as destroying your self esteem at a time when you and DS are vulnerable anyway.

Talk to your mum again, tell her how he's making you feel, leave him and be kind to yourself.

I should mention that I have a newborn as well. Its incredibly hard, even with a nice DH. He is basically ruining your precious snuggly gorgeous newborn time. I'd find that alone hard to forgive, tbh. You don't get these weeks back again.

Imagine how much more relaxed you'll be once its over & you're not consantly scanning Fuckwits face for subtle signs of distaste every time you open your mouth. Imagine the utter peace of it, with only Babys face to gaze at.

But on the flip side, having a newborn does mean that you & Baby are all you need. Baby doesn't even know he has a father, lets be real. But Baby is already massively bonded to you. You are all he needs, and vice versa. Its lovely.

May I ask, was there a medical reason not to have sex during your pregnancy, or is he just turned off by a pregnant woman?

Some men have a thing about a woman being either a woman or a mother. If he's one of those then he'll be leaving women his whole life because each one will be a "lunatic" once he makes her pregnant.

Whatever headshit he has going on you deserve much better and you are not going get any better from this relationship.