Boyfriend broke up with me - but giving mixed messages

[hiphoplollipop30]

Hello,

If you're taking the time to read this, thank you.

I want to keep it quite brief as I could probably type all this out for hours :)

We're both 30, we were together for 5 years. He had a brain aneurysm 6 months into our relationship and suffered from bad depression after this, and his personality seemed more volatile, dramatic and mean at times.

To say our relationship was a struggle for me is putting it mildly. Constant mood changes, negativity, selfishness etc. But I always had the hope that our day would come.

Then I lost my job and had to move home (2 hour train ride away) and things settled a bit, because of the distance I imagine. He avoided committing to me though, didn't seem desperate to have me back in London or to move in with me etc.

You know how someone verbally attacks you, and everything they're saying is a description of themselves? That happened a lot. It was like there was a switch in his head that went off every few weeks without fail. Then would try and carry on like nothing had happened.

I wanted out this past September because he was being so mean and rubbish and tried to communicate this to him, he got angry etc. A week later he was adamant that we shouldn't give up on our relationship and will I come down to London as he has planned something for our 5 year anniversary.

Me being a big softie, I agreed. It was a great weekend.

Two weeks later he called me to say he was not happy, and his feelings aren't as strong for me anymore - he basically said everything I had said the weeks previously. I was upset, but I agreed this can't go on.

He said the ideal for him would be, when I get back from travelling (Jan - March) that we settle down properly if we still love each other.

I didn't grasp onto this. He still wanted me to visit for my birthday the following week and to take me out etc. I went down to London but with my friends and had a fun few days. He came to the night do and was all attentive etc like he was still my boyfriend. Then at the end of the night (after he'd had a few) he burst into tears, cried like a baby.

The day of my birthday he took me shopping and spent £700 on me. Then took me out for dinner - then it all went south and that horrible side to him creeped out and he told me I was always negative and cynical - this was at my birthday dinner.

The night was ruined. Great memory.

The next morning he apologised and said he loves me, do I love him too? I said yes. He said lets hold each other as this may be the last we see each other.

What? Last week it was a different story.

I left London that day, I was very upset for the next week just because he had tarnished the memory of my birthday so horribly and the messages he was giving me were so mixed.

He keeps contacting me about every other day, just mundane topics that are to do with his life, not mine.

Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't.

Then he texted me this "I'm unhappy that we couldn't be together. Because I do love you, you were a great girlfriend, but we just shouldn't be together."

I agreed with him, stayed unemotional.

The thing that has messed my head up, is the mixed messages and odd behaviour - I can guarantee if I still lived in London he would have turned up at my door at some point or asked to see me. But being up here its easier to not have me on his mind I guess.

Just trying to move on, but interested to know other people's opinions, or if you have experienced something similar.

Any feedback would be hugely appreciated - trying to sort my head out :)

Thank you xx

[Hatespiders]

He sounds like that Push-me-pull-you creature in Dr Doolittle. One minute you're better than sliced bread, then you're a right witch. Bugger that for a game. You've never been idyllically happy in this relationship have you? What makes you think it will get any better? No, OP, break up with him and get on with your life. There are other men out there who don't change with the wind. Far less confusing all round!

[hiphoplollipop30]

Things I don't miss:

Text messages moaning about work/people at work
His smoking
Having to sit outside a pub because he has to smoke - regardless of how cold I am *
Talking about himself at every opportunity
His drinking and his inability to stop - would never want to go home to bed, wanted to leave the pub when he wanted, even at closing time wanted to go to the shop for one of those £8 bottles of rum and some pepsi
Him cancelling plans/visits
Texting me he didn't want to talk that evening, that he didn't want to talk to anyone
Telling me he's worthless, that he's feeling low, that he hates himself
Not wanting to do anything when he visits me
Staying up later than me and my parents when he visits, drinking and smoking
Sleeping until noon on weekends
In a mood when I would call him, or someone had recently pissed him off
Not understanding me
His moody-ness around his parents, especially his Mother
Sitting at his family meals and him barely speaking
Him always being late - me always waiting at the bottom of his stairs while he was only just getting in the shower
Completely unable to make plans or unable to decide where to eat etc
Picking fights with me - not understanding why I wanted quality time with him
Me being the one to suggest when we should visit each other, and wanting it to be every week
Being left in his bed because he wanted to stay out longer or drink more
His mood swings (unpredictable)
Complaining he didn't have money - but being able to go to the pub
Unsupportive - Id had the job from hell for over a year, quit and got a better job that I was excited about - came over after my first day, I was making my dinner (when I'd hoped he'd take me out to celebrate) and he simply said "I think we're going to fight soon" out of nowhere.



*The time I paid for us to go to Berlin, we went to a really nice bar that had a few chairs outside, but was beautiful inside too - he wanted to sit outside the whole time so he could smoke - I compromised and said maybe one drink outside, one drink inside (it was very cold), him refusing and making me feel bad for wanting to sit inside. He sat inside with me for about 15 minutes but barely spoke because he was annoyed.

[hiphoplollipop30]

Sorry - this is going to help me when I'm having a wobble!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That is a hell of a list, hiphop... keep posting. Post all your anguish here and never contact that louse ever again. He's not worth your tears or a minute more of your time. Give yourself a cut-off point to stop moping over him if you can... end of this year?

[hiphoplollipop30]

Yes, quite a list that must look pretty shocking to a lot of people!

I only seem to wobble for a few hours on a sunday, rest of the time I'm fine.

Even if I wanted to speak to him, it would end in tears or annoyance because he's so damn negative/moany.

[tipsytrifle]

You're so awake to this awful creature now hiphop that I'd be floored and gutted if you weakened in your resolve to really keep it ended. He has no place in your mind or your life. He's a nasty abuser.

Unfortunately beings like this are kind of like a drug and good women find themselves addicted to their twisted spark. Stay free of him. Just NC all the time forever. Is there any way to block him from your phone? Apparently texts can still get through so I don't know how you deal with those other than ignore. Maybe treat yourself to a new phone number?

Going to NYC sounds fantastic! I'm wondering who you're taking instead of the nasty git

[hiphoplollipop30]

The thing I can't wrap my head around is, why was he so horrible to me? Am I that annoying? I believe I always stood up for myself and kept my standards up no matter how many times he fell short. So at least I didn't become someone that wasn't me - but I suppose I keep thinking, what was it about me that made him 'love' me this way?

After the thing where he ignored me for a week then just sent me hateful messages at the end of 2012, he never explained it and said two months later that he'd never loved me as much as he did right then. How is that possible?! He was ready to bin me two months earlier?

Makes me want to reach out to his ex to see if he's always been like this - but I won't.

I know, it's not me, some people are just quite twisted and not right in the head? I'd had two relationships before him that had no drama or extreme fighting in them, but he once told me his past relationships ended because they just fought too much. So I've always known its not me thats the fighter.

It's such a shame it had to go this way

[PlumpingUpPartridge]

You're not that annoying. The more you post, the more it becomes evident that it is him, not you!!

Some people are just bloody exhausting to be around. He sounds like one of them. You may not feel it now but you really are much better off without him

[elsabelle]

Hi hiphop,

How are you doing? I have been questioning myself endlessly about that too. DP cheated on me the week after my mums funeral and then left me (after a few weeks of stalling and being unsure).

I am still stunned that he could treat me so badly. And at the time i needed him most. I keep feeling like it must be me - i wasnt thin enough, pretty enough, fun enough etc (i actually think this last on might be true - he couldnt deal with emotional me and all the grief).

Anyway, the point is, who does that?!! Just like your ex. Who does such weird and nasty things? Only people who are not quite right and totally lacking in all compassion, care and empathy. Its not you i promise.

Are you managing to stay NC? Sending a big hug xxx

[hiphoplollipop30]

Hi Elsabelle,

The behaviour of your ex is shocking, I can't even think of a strong enough word to describe it!

How long were you together? Not that it matters.

Isn't it odd how glaringly obvious it is that they are idiots, we look within ourselves? Or I try to figure out why he behaved the way he did, or what mental issues he may have etc etc.

Forget worrying about being fun, you have no reason to be 'fun' when you're going through what you're going through, we honestly can't be fun all the time, nobody can! But I get where you're coming from. I think it's just how our minds work when we're going through this type of pain.

Matters of the heart are never logical I guess, but I got over my first boyfriend (which I was more upset about because he wasn't depressed and didn't treat me badly) but it took me about a year to be ok with him meeting someone else - so I know one day I will be fine, and I'll feel all those logical things that you feel with time - that I was too good for him, that he didn't make me happy, didn't make my life better. I know these things now but I can't truly believe in them just yet. It's only been a month.

Your situation reminds me a little bit of a friend of mine - she was with this guy for a few years, and she moved a few hours away for a once in a lifetime course for her show jumping (she's won trophies etc and competes most weekends) and before she left, she fell off her horse and broke her back - she was in hospital for so long and couldn't move - her guy cheated on her repeatedly because "she couldn't have sex with him" - can you imagine?!?! They broke up but got back together about a year later and now live together and she works for his business. I don't think I could come back from something like this, but she said to me "I'm no where near as strong as you" and I worry that she's just settled and thinks she can't do better

There are plenty of men who would never leave your side when you are going through such awful grief, and would support you unconditionally. I believe in better, as much as I have my wobbles!

I've stayed NC for almost 2 weeks now, he was bitchy at first, then furious, then sarcastic, then said he misses me but understands I'm hurting. Why not just be nice? And that's what I've realised, I just want him/a man to be nice and kind to me - thats not too much to ask.

The NYC plane ticket, I called British Airways yesterday to change the name on the ticket - turns out that its impossible, best I can do is cancel it and get a £130 refund, when the ticket cost £450! A few weeks ago he had offered to pay for the ticket but then brought it up on the phone before NC that "now I have to pay you for this plane ticket that I didn't even want" mixed messages much. I told him after that convo Im changing the name so he doesn't have to pay. Yesterday I sent him a short e-mail explaining how I can't change the name, can he please pay half.

I've yet to receive a response, not shocking really, people don't tend to change so why would he get back to me with any urgency - I'm fully expecting him to make a comment about me ignoring him or just be arsey or maybe he'll swallow his pride and be glad I finally contacted him.

I've made myself a huge white wine spritzer!

Sending you lots of love

[tipsytrifle]

ouch about the ticket but you've done the right thing to ask him to pay towards it. Have you researched aneurysms at all? What was he like in the first 6mths before it happened? If he was a nasty sod all through then that is probably his innate bad nature. Though aneurysms cause trouble for a long time before they burst.

You can't over-analyse Nature with any real satisfaction! You can learn about the physiology of a blood-burst in the brain and gain some understanding of what's going on alongside his shitty character. But really, you've done so well to maintain NC because this really is over

[hiphoplollipop30]

I emailed him tuesday evening about the plane ticket - still no reply.

Not shocked, he's spiteful by nature so we'll see if he replies over the next few days. I imagine he's still pissed off about me ignoring him and now I'm asking for money.

We got together in the October, and his first slip up was in February - turned on me in public when he was drunk. He got made redundant just before or after that Xmas, started smoking weed and drinking more.

However when I met his friends for the first time, friends he went to school with, the girls were quick to say that he's moody/has a temper.

Leading up to his aneurysm I'd say he was depressed - he smoked weed a lot and would come over with alcohol. I sat down with him one evening to calmly tell him his behaviour was not acceptable, that I'm worried about him and do not want him coming over to my fancy new flat with booze and weed and standing on my balcony making calls to his friends. Well, he flipped. You'd think I'd accused him of cheating - I felt a bit traumatised by that and I guess it was the early warning sign telling me to get out - honestly, just calmly trying to talk to him and he lost it.

Then I threw him a surprise party after he'd been out of hospital for a month or so, with all his friends, he loved it - but a few days later called me yelling at me that I never should have done that, its made him feel like shit etc. Another warning sign I should have left.

Few months later I bought us a trip to Amsterdam (I wasn't earning very much) as he always talked about his visits there and I wanted to go with him. He picked a fight with me out of nowhere a week before his bday (he went on to do this a week before his bday for the next few years, weird) and I ended up telling him I was planning to take him to Amsterdam. He was livid. Told me I shouldn't have done that, he doesn't want to go and will not go. Well I was beside myself, told him I couldn't be with someone that just throws it back in my face when I try to do something nice. Of course a few days later after silencing me out he got his shit together and we went and had a great time.

Honestly, its like he has a switch in his head - whether caused by the aneurysm or not.

Looking back on what I just typed, I can see why a lot of people would be like 'why did you keep trying to do nice things for this guy?' but honestly I'd never been in a 'bad' relationship or with someone that has a temper etc so I was quite clueless in how to deal with it and understand.

Having gone through this, if someone didn't want to communicate calmly about a problem, or threw it back in my face when I did something nice for them, they wouldn't even get a second chance.

[CaffeLatteIceCream]

Do you desperately need the ticket money, or could you afford to write it off? If you can, I think you should. By asking for it, you've given him a little bit of control back (in his head), and he's exercising that to the fullest by ignoring you.

I honestly think you need total and complete non-contact. Block his every avenue of contact. Stick him on the blocked sender list for emails and download one of those apps that let's you block a number from calling or texting your phone.

Simply decide for yourself that you never wish to hear from him again, and that it is OVER. Who cares what he texts or emails, you won't know because you have moved on. All the time he has some way of reaching you, he will and you will be made vulnerable by your automatic emotional response to whatever it is he says.

Don't let him decide whether or not he's part of your life - make that decision for yourself.

The reason he's playing mind games is quite simple...he needs you to make him feel good about himself. "I don't want her, but she still wants me" is keeping him emotionally afloat - "She doesn't want me" is too hard for his ego to deal with.

It's all about HIM and what HE needs, not about you. Do you want to continue to support his monster ego at the expense of your own emotional well being?

You WILL get over this....guaranteed. But the process won't even begin all the time he can get hold of you. So, write off the ticket money if you can, block his email address and number and walk into your future without him.

Although, be prepared that once he realises that you're ignoring him again, he'll probably send you the ticket money to reel you back in....cash the cheque and ignore him. Don't even bother with a thank you.

Good luck :)

[tipsytrifle]

Oh yes, I absolutely agree that the only thing you should accept from him now is a cheque. I doubt it will arrive but no other contact. No repeat asking and no real expectation of him doing the decent thing. Between depression, booze, weed and bleeding in the brain the man is a lost cause.

Concentrate now on having a wonderful Christmas and making a Fantastic New year for yourself!

[hiphoplollipop30]

I'm 100% in agreement, I don't intend to contact him again. I'm not chasing him for this money.

He's proved me right though, I knew he'd ignore me because I've ignored him, so childish.

I really can't afford to write off the plane ticket, I've asked him for half the money so I think that's fair.

[tipsytrifle]

I agree that it's a hell of a toll to pay ... many of us have to bite the bullet on debt accrued one way or another by gits .. join the skint club, darling one! By Goddess, it sucks! Anyhow, I'm glad you don't intend to contact again. You'll get through the financials, I know you will. He ignored you because he's a twat. He WILL contact you back soon-ish. Please don't respond when he does! Your choice of course, I'm a bit bossy sometimes

[hiphoplollipop30]

Yep I'll just have to accept the loss if it comes to it, without flipping out at him!

I won't respond when he does contact me, he's shown himself up - making such a show when I ignored him and saying he missed me etc, can't miss me that much if playing tit for tat! It's pathetic.

[elsabelle]

Thanks for the support and wise words hiphop. I too am on the wine! Yes he treated me so badly at the end and yet until then we were so very happy together (at least i was!). Truly the happiest ive ever been which is why its all come as such a shock and been so hard to let go of. Like your positive thinking about better, kinder people out there - we deserve it

Any reply about the ticket yet? Well done for staying NC. I've been NC for about 5 weeks now and i THINK the pain might be lessening a bit. Fags and wine are def helping! We still have lots of friends in common but i try not to mention him when i see or speak to them and they havent brought him up either which is good. I am trying to visualise a happy future with a loving, FAITHFUL partner (ha!) and maybe a little one in my arms - it seems to be helping a bit :)

Totally understand what youre saying about people asking you 'why did you keep trying to do nice things for this guy?' I'm a total fixer and always believe being kind and nice can solve everything. You sound similar! And to be honest, some might call it naive, but i like living my life that way. I dont want to be cold and untrusting. Yes we got burned but we at least we know we always did our best!

Lots of love to you. We will get through this!!

[hiphoplollipop30]

No reply so far.

Just got back from being in town and I've gone through six tissues crying my eyes out.

I was find yesterday!

[hiphoplollipop30]

*fine

[hiphoplollipop30]

Still nothing!!

I don't regret contacting him but what the hell?

Said he missed me, understands Im hurting, hates that I'm ignoring him - so I guess yeah ignore me back - makes perfect sense.

He's either slumped into a deep depression, is being stubborn in deciding to ignore me back, or hates me.

He'll never change.

[WildBillfemale]

You weren't married, no kids, there is no reason to be in contact with this person. You have split up and are no longer in each others lives.
You seem addicted to the drama.
I've known many a person with far more serious illnesses than his and it doesn't turn them into an arse. Stop making excuses, stop allowing him to get to you. You are as much to blame in this ongoing saga as he is. It's over, no more contact.

[hiphoplollipop30]

Yeah

[Annarose2014]

At a certain point you'll need to draw a final line under it/him. It seems you're not at that point yet.

[elsabelle]

Hi hiphop. how you doing? Sorry you havent heard back, but maybe its a blessing really. annoying about the money but maybe just forget it now and chalk it up as one of a life experience (ok, not a very pleasant one).

I am managing to stick with NC as the last few times of breaking it i just got so burned and hurt by ExPs horrible responses. In my self help book it says "Does it hurt when you do that? Then dont do that!" Its kinda become my new mantra - we need to stick with the people who do love us and treat us nicely. Thats what nourishes us and will help us to recover, dont prolong the agony. This is the right thing. You wouldnt want to spend your life with someone who blows hot and cold and isnt nice to you. Just like i wouldnt want to spend my life with someone who lies and cheats, however much it hurts now. I am early 30s too and i know it feels so daunting to have to start again, and thinking about biological clock etc but we will be ok :)

Big hug xxxx