Boyfriend broke up with me - but giving mixed messages

[hiphoplollipop30]

Hello,

If you're taking the time to read this, thank you.

I want to keep it quite brief as I could probably type all this out for hours :)

We're both 30, we were together for 5 years. He had a brain aneurysm 6 months into our relationship and suffered from bad depression after this, and his personality seemed more volatile, dramatic and mean at times.

To say our relationship was a struggle for me is putting it mildly. Constant mood changes, negativity, selfishness etc. But I always had the hope that our day would come.

Then I lost my job and had to move home (2 hour train ride away) and things settled a bit, because of the distance I imagine. He avoided committing to me though, didn't seem desperate to have me back in London or to move in with me etc.

You know how someone verbally attacks you, and everything they're saying is a description of themselves? That happened a lot. It was like there was a switch in his head that went off every few weeks without fail. Then would try and carry on like nothing had happened.

I wanted out this past September because he was being so mean and rubbish and tried to communicate this to him, he got angry etc. A week later he was adamant that we shouldn't give up on our relationship and will I come down to London as he has planned something for our 5 year anniversary.

Me being a big softie, I agreed. It was a great weekend.

Two weeks later he called me to say he was not happy, and his feelings aren't as strong for me anymore - he basically said everything I had said the weeks previously. I was upset, but I agreed this can't go on.

He said the ideal for him would be, when I get back from travelling (Jan - March) that we settle down properly if we still love each other.

I didn't grasp onto this. He still wanted me to visit for my birthday the following week and to take me out etc. I went down to London but with my friends and had a fun few days. He came to the night do and was all attentive etc like he was still my boyfriend. Then at the end of the night (after he'd had a few) he burst into tears, cried like a baby.

The day of my birthday he took me shopping and spent £700 on me. Then took me out for dinner - then it all went south and that horrible side to him creeped out and he told me I was always negative and cynical - this was at my birthday dinner.

The night was ruined. Great memory.

The next morning he apologised and said he loves me, do I love him too? I said yes. He said lets hold each other as this may be the last we see each other.

What? Last week it was a different story.

I left London that day, I was very upset for the next week just because he had tarnished the memory of my birthday so horribly and the messages he was giving me were so mixed.

He keeps contacting me about every other day, just mundane topics that are to do with his life, not mine.

Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't.

Then he texted me this "I'm unhappy that we couldn't be together. Because I do love you, you were a great girlfriend, but we just shouldn't be together."

I agreed with him, stayed unemotional.

The thing that has messed my head up, is the mixed messages and odd behaviour - I can guarantee if I still lived in London he would have turned up at my door at some point or asked to see me. But being up here its easier to not have me on his mind I guess.

Just trying to move on, but interested to know other people's opinions, or if you have experienced something similar.

Any feedback would be hugely appreciated - trying to sort my head out :)

Thank you xx

Update

He tried to carry on like we were friends or something, texting me or sending pics of new niece etc.

Then we had a phone conversation where I admitted, for the first time since the break up, that I didn't want this, that I would rather have not broken up. We were on the phone for an hour.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't asking him to get back together or anything like that, no begging etc. But still, he was pretty harsh. Saying that I never tried to understand him, thinks he realised a few years ago we maybe shouldn't be together, he mentioned how he now has hardly any holiday left for work because he went away with me for 2 weeks in June. Not that he didn't enjoy it, he was 'just saying'.

He was essentially justifying his bad behaviour and shifting the blame. I don't think he meant most of what he said, he said it to make me hurt and to be in control

That was 5 days ago, I have ignored every means of communication he has attempted with me, much to his anger, and now I'm getting calls from 'no caller ID', I got 6 calls today alone.

His last text yesterday said 'HELLO?!!! WHY THE F* R U IGNORING ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE FOR U TO DO THIS?'

Wow, dumb as hell.

Why would I want anything to do with someone that doesn't want me and was emotionally abusive on a regular basis without even realising?

Of course I still love him, and maybe one day he'll change, but seems unlikely.

I think it might be time to send one last message, telling him that you no longer want any contact with him, and if he persists in trying to contact you, you will report him to the police for harassing you.

The natural conclusion to draw from a phone call in which he says that 'he realised a few years ago that you shouldn't be together' and is a bit peeved that he 'wasted' 2 weeks of annual leave on you (sorry - but that's the implication) is that the relationship is over. Well and truly.
Have you drawn that line in the sand -'for all the reasons we discussed in recent phone call, this relationship is over, please don't contact me again' and then ignore with a clear conscience?

Hi hiphop,

I can relate to you a bit after coming out of a 5 year relationship with someone who I supported over the years through unemployment and grief for him to just vanish one night. We've had no contact since he moved out and as hard as this is, it is much healthier in order to gain perspective of your life and where you want it to go, without the confusing signals that often accompany the aftermath of a break up. It will never feel over until you get this space in order to deal with the fact that it's over. You might not want it to be over but you really have to put your needs first.

Your travels sound very exciting so just focus on that and all the interesting experiences it will bring into your life.

If you block him, hiphop, you can make all this go away.

I know it's hard but it's the only way if you don't want to engage in this head-twist and yanking of your emotions all the time.

I know, ignoring is the only way.

Part of me wants to tell him exactly how he's made me feel - taken all the amazing things I had to give, for so long, and now is behaving like a little boy, wanting his cake and eating it too.

Boyfriends always become someone I don't even recognise in a break up, I don't trust anything he says, he's truly messed me around for the past month.

I don't know if I'll send him a final text, I don't really think he deserves it.

Also tell me how low he is, in a bad place, etc etc.

Selfish.

One point from your opening post: he said try again in March (after back from travelling) if you both want to. I think (and I am guessing here) that he wants rid, and hopes that during your travels you'll give up on the relationship decisively too. Course of least resistance? Also, he can then tell everyone that you ended it. It just really struck me as more game playing.

If you break it off decisively now, you can be distracted by Christmas (party, flirt, have fun with people who are pleasant and are nice to be around) and enjoy truly independent travel without the prospect of dealing with him again in March.

I think he thinks I'm mentally unstable.

I cried a lot throughout our relationship (from the emotional abuse, but I didn't realise thats what it was). Therefore, oh she's mentally unstable.

So felt the need to let me down as gently as possible, to avoid a break down.

Essentially, I did end it. In September. I was adamant in my decision because he was being so crap, I went down to London to see him and he didn't pick me up from kings cross because he was too hungover - all apologetic etc but not good enough really is it? I got the tube and he met me at the station, I was livid, he kept trying to make jokes, then I started crying (again! he must have seen me cry hundreds of times to the point where it just annoys him now) and he completely switched on me - somehow made ME feel guilty.

Tried to talk calmly to him about it the next day, he didn't want to know, so I went to meet my friend for a few hours (which I'd had planned all week and gave him plenty of notice about) I returned later that day and he was dressed up, his whole family was there about to sit down for dinner, he pulls me aside and says he's going out for the evening and he'll be back later.

He went (his mother waved him off like nothing was happening) and I spent the evening with his family pretending nothing was wrong.

He got back at about 2am, next morning I try again to talk to him about it, he doesn't want to know. So I left for my train about 5 hours early.

Didn't hear from him all day.

Now if that isn't a BIG sign that someone doesn't want you, I don't know what is.

So thats the sign I took, and I ended it - he was never sorry for what he had done.

My mistake was letting him in again, and believing his lies.

If I do contact him, I essentially want to say 'you treated me like shit on and off throughout our relationship, you wouldn't let me leave you when I so desperately wanted to, then you lied about not wanting to give up, and then you smashed my heart into pieces and kicked it around for a few weeks after ending it. I don't need or want someone like you in my life. I deserve much more than you. Do not contact me again.'

Is there a more dignified way of saying that? If I choose to I mean, I still think its better to say nothing.

I think it's better to say nothing too. If you have to say anything, say something like "I think the frienship's run its course"

You have every reason to want to vent about how he made you feel, but do it here, or to good friends. Not to him.

Why?

• it won't make any difference to him: he cannot accept your emotions and your point of view.
• it keeps a bond going. Communication, even of that kind, is still communication, when what you need right now is to cut ties and heal and move on.

So don't tell him how he made you feel, just NC him. Tell us instead, we're listening and we understand.

You're right.

I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack every half hour today.

I recently lost my job (for a second time in 2 years) a few days after he ended it, so everyone is busy during the day and I don't have many friends up here, they're in London.

He's going to meet someone else and be fine and I'm going to feel hurt for months.

5 whole years of my life, 25-30. He took and took and took and I believed that he loved me but he didn't.

When I met him I knew he wasn't good enough, I kept telling my friends he wouldn't be my boyfriend, then he got in and I fell for him.

I feel completely heartbroken.

Oh hiphop, sending a big hug. I can totally relate, still reeling from my break up a few months ago which i absolutely never saw coming.

You probably will feel hurt for a long time, but my counsellor always says that those who let their emotions out and deal with them, ie. allowing yourself to sob, wail and feel desperately sad, cope much better in the long run than those who deny them and just try to move swiftly on (like our exes).

Take good care of yourself and allow others to help and look after you - good friends are the best, i wouldnt be coping without mine. And stay No Contact, you sound like you are doing really well on this front so far, be proud of yourself for staying so calm and strong xxx

He's going to meet someone else and be fine and I'm going to feel hurt for months.

He will always be a twat. Therefore he will never be happy.

You will eventually feel better. You will meet someone nice and be happy because you are not a twat.

For a short time you might feel worse than him.

You're right.

Was a moment of madness.

I'm moving to NYC in less than 40 days, so it could be a lot worse.

Really helps to talk about it though

I really think by not having anything to do with him you will be doing yourself a massive favour.

One Christmas I went to my then boyfriend's family and during the festive period. One night he went on a lad's night out leaving me to sit with his mum and dad watching Morecombe and Wise in the evening! He came home blind drunk in the early hours, snoring and his phone was going off with a text message from a girl who (old school friend) that he'd invited on this lad's night. If I didn't see the signs then, I am fairly certain the aliens came to take my brain away. That kind of behaviour and the behaviour your boyfriend has shown is not how someone who loves you would treat you and this is how you. Facing up to this sin't always easy but you are worth more!

Make some space, stay away from him and make your life all about your needs and wants and leave him to it. You deserve to be happy and to be treated well.

x

Hows the heartache hiphop and NorthLDN gal? You ladies feeling any better? I am still crying 10 million times a day although now with no actual tears, just my body kinda sobbing for a few mins then stopping. I feel this might be progress! ;-)

I'm going through a similar situation and it's not fun - these type of people can be so captivating when they are being nice to you, I'd imagine no one has made you feel as special as he has done at some point. The trouble is they recognise that hold they have over you, and manipulate it when they feel bad about something (or themselves) to bring you down - my on/off partner is exactly like that - and when you try and explain they say things like "Well no, you're wrong about that" or "Thats not a valid example."

It takes real strength to take someone with that much hold over your life, out of your life - but I do really think it will be worth it.

xx

Hi Elsabelle - I'm feeling a bit better thank you, had a cry this morning on the way to work and then on the way home from work but that's because I'm listening to a sad album on repeat which probably doesn't help. I'm hoping if I can get all the tears out now there won't be too many left to come out later on.

It sounds like you are making good progress Elsabelle. I saw one of your other posts and you sound more positive :-)

I have another dilemma, a result maybe of recent events so I might PM you if you didn't mind?

x

Of course NorthLDNgal, PM away.

I am very up and down. Sometimes i think im doing better but then other times i feel back to square one. Am trying hard so hopefully will get there!

Elsabelle, I haven't really cried for over a week, I cried for about 2 minutes the other day but I think that had something to do with the fact that I've got a terrible cold that doesn't seem to want to leave!

To be honest, since I took control and decided to ignore him, I've felt a lot better. He texted me again saying that if I want to ignore him then thats fine, but he doesn't want me to and he hates this, and again asked why I'm doing this.

He then asked a mutual friend of ours to call me on his behalf, but then backed out saying don't bother, she clearly doesn't give a shit.

As GoatsDoRoam mentioned earlier, even if I did take the time to explain my feelings to him (as I've tried to do many times over the years) it won't make any difference to him, he can't accept my emotions and point of view.

I'd spend so much of my time during our relationship (when we were fighting) trying to explain where I was coming from and why I was upset and said it in a calm and logical way - but he always rejected it, so sod it, no point trying to break it down to him now.

Fair enough over a week ago I was the one saying i'd prefer to be positive, stay in contact a little bit etc - but then he launched the verbal attack over the phone saying I never tried to understand him etc etc.

All of which he's now forgotten or twisted in his mind that it didn't actually happen that way. Which is why I'd feel so bloody mental after arguments because he's so skilled at making me feel that way.

He still seems extremely interested in whose name I've changed his plane ticket to for NYC (can't remember if I mentioned I bought him a ticket to NYC to visit me for Valentine's weekend as his xmas present) - he complained last week that he now had to pay me for this ticket when he didn't even want it - so I've taken that problem away for him, but he's desperate to know whose going instead of him?

I bought a book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that?' inside the minds of angry and controlling men. The reviews were really good, and whenever I read it I feel so much stronger and like I'm doing the right thing. This book isn't entirely about my ex, but there are bits here and there where I'm literally like OH MY GOD.

This was one of them:

'One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you - as will happen to any abused woman from time to time - he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are.'

I'm not an angry person, at all, I don't like raising my voice but I've always been able to stand up for myself. However, with him, no chance. He was ten times louder and more insistent than I ever was and I'd usually just give in so that the argueing would stop, and then think I was crazy and imagining the way I was feeling.

He's told our mutual friend that although he's not 100% sure, he does see a future with me - I do love him, but I love me more, and unless he essentially makes HUGE changes to himself and his life he can forget about a future with me in it.

He has issues, and for once I have now realised that I have nothing to do with them, I'm not to blame for them, and I sure as hell can't fix them for him.

An example of text messages he would send me out of the blue, usually when I was in a good mood:

'I'm such a reject. Ain't worth shit'
Me: 'You're worth everything, just wish you could see it.'
'No I'm not. Don't waste your energy trying to prove me otherwise'

'I just hate myself. Wanna die'
'Literally don't mind dying right now.'

'All I do is piss people off. People who are close to me'

I made excuses for his behaviour because of the above things he would say - nobody wants to tell a depressed person to piss off do they?

But I'm glad I'm no longer his emotional punch bag, because when I needed him he couldn't support me, his issues were far superior.

I'm going to continue ignoring him, he really needs to figure stuff out on his own.

alfieandanniesmum - you're completely right. I'd never felt as wanted by someone as I did by him.

Looking back even through all the bad times, he always gave me just enough to keep me hooked, so I didn't leave.

Two years ago didn't talk to me for a whole week, and then spent a further month not answering my calls and refusing to see me and texting me things like 'you should know what you've done' 'you're taking me for a c*' 'you've never loved me' 'you never cared about me' etc etc

Then I went home for Christmas, I'd finally given in and couldn't be bothered with him anymore, and he got the train up and surprised me, all was forgotten. I still to this day don't know what all that was about.

It felt ten times worse than our break up is feeling - but just went back to normal two months later and he then told me he'd never loved me as much as he did right then.

Such a mind f*.

I think you've handled yourself admirably. Just go NC now and free your mind/heart up to new relationships. Stop the contact. It's pointless and upsetting. Block him on FB, block his number, move on.

I got the I miss you text yesterday.

Ignored.

Brilliant, hiphop.

What you need to do now is pat yourself on the back that you have thus far pulled away from him - and HE sent you a pulling back text - and you've ignored it.

You can do one of two things:

1. Block him now, on a high, as he last contacted you. Make it not possible for him to do that again and you will get past this head-messing as you won't know if he tried again. He will get the message and you hold your head up high.

1. Keep him on your phone. It will only be a matter of time then before you respond and you'll be right back to square one. Even if you resisted, you'd always be checking your phone because he's still in your head.

If he really missed you, he'd have done things differently - and would be leaving you in no doubt that he loves you. He doesn't. He enjoys the game and is investing nothing more than a few thumb prods and pixels in texting.

You are worth SO much more.