SIL, DH and me

[odinsdaughter]

I don't really get on with SIL, and to be honest, I never have.

Its not that she's an awful person, or that i am, its just that I find her a bit bossy. I don't precisely know why she doesn't like me but I think the problem is she considers herself my social superior. Nothing about our feelings or opinions about each other has ever reached the other person's ears.

The problem is that DH is caught in the middle.

DH and I have argued over things she has done to me in the past. He doesn't like them, but he gets over them, whilst they just keep piling up in my mind.

One thing she particularly does, is call DH up to tell him to tell me not to do something, or to command me to do something. She will never deign to speak to me personally when she can pass a message through DH instead, even if its a direct reply to a message I left on her phone.

I also have a very strong suspicion that she's been putting the knife into me with MIL too.

Things have now deteriorated to the point where we only see SIL and BIL annually, usually for just three hours or so. Unfortunately, its that time of year again, where they realise that our two families not seen each other all year and its all "we must meet up before the year is over". DH usually sees her on his own once or twice a year, but not this year (because he was very hurt by a phone call she made to him complaining about me in the Spring - even though I had not seen her since December last year).

I always tell myself that i can get through 3 hours. But the truth is, it stresses me out beforehand and DH and I invariably fight about the situation either on the way there, or on the way back, or both.

I asked to be excused this year (any convenient lie would have done), so now we are not meeting them at all, as DH would not go with the DC on their own.

The thing is i can't imagine wanting to be around her next year either. or the one after that. However, I don't want DH to go years without seeing his sister.

I am worried that i am causing a family break up and that would be a terrible thing to do. However, I find it incredibly stressful to be around SIL. Often DH and I fight about it and it ends up with us both feeling bruised and battered, sometimes for weeks afterwards. I find it safer to not let her see any part of my life and I've no intention of ever contacting her again.

What would you do? Go see her and catch every passive-aggressive dig? Or take up smoking for occasion and start rolling my own in her sitting room with my muddy shoes on the sofa to prove her snobbery correct? Or tell DH that he on his own until she apologises to me personally for what she insinuated about me in that last call?

God I am so glad I don't have to deal with crap like this.

Your DH is also a problem in this scenario, tbh. I hope you can sort it - him -out. I can't believe he's huffing and throwing a strop now after he got what he wanted last year. Does he not have any concept of fairness and give and take in a relationship?

Tell him that you have had years of put downs and digs from his lovely sister culminating in the final bitch earlier this year about MILs money that even upset him.

You have made an effort for x years for him however enough is enough and you will not be spending time with this person. If he wants to go and see her he has your blessing but you are NOT going.

Don't make excuses. She knows she is a bitch, she will know why you are not there not matter what is said.

Tell him you have made your decision and it is his turn to support you and put you first like you have done for him all these years.

Then don't engage with him.

And for god's sake don't be bullied into changing Christmas plans. It is not you letting your DC down when this happens.

The other problem that I haven't mentioned before, is that DH's other sister is lovely but she lives a couple of hours away and has a very busy life.

We would both like to see her more often. She keeps inviting us to stuff but and then turning it into a family event by inviting SIL too. I don't think she has any idea that there are problems, or that things are as bad as they are.

DH won't tell her (he doesn't want to admit it to his family). I won't tell her. And I don't think SIL has said anything either.

The upshot is that we never see her either now, because we can hardly accept on the proviso that SIL doesn't get invited. We've invited SIL2 and her family here, but again she keeps suggesting that it would be such fun if we got SIL over too, so we get vague about it all and never actually fix a date.

In the end I had to uninvite my mum, go to his mum's and my mum spent Christmas alone.

I cannot believe you did this!!

You are being emotionally blackmailed left right and centre. Don't give in and ignore DH when he says he won't see SIL without you? Why on earth not - what is his actual reason? Is it because he secretly knows what an utter bitch she is and doesn't want to see her alone?

You need to stand up for yourself and stop being bossed about by DH. If you want to tell Good Sil that you would like to see her without Bad SIl then go ahead. It sounds like this is all causing WW3 anyway so why keep trying to pretend there isn't an issue?

By deciding not to go! you are not breaking the family apart at all. If your DH decides not to go because you are not going then he is choosing to take that step and has to take responsibility for it. You seem to take all responsibility for everyone's feelings apart from your own and perhaps it's time to learn to focus on what you want and not worrying so much about what the eventual ramifications might be.

The only reason there is so much "Family Harmony" is because you SIL is being allowed to get away with her shitty behaviour by your spineless DH and the nice sister hasnt been told!

I suggest you throw a bomb in there by telling SIL exactly why you wont be seeing her anymore and the nice SIL what has been going on and what you have been accused of. See how harmonious his fucking family is then.

bogeyface

"Like Button"

OH no you uninvited your own Mum at Christmas, stop enabling SIL and state firmly to dh that you will not be seeing the viper this Christmas and ignore all the guilt dh will throw at you.

I can't believe your Mum spent Christmas alone because you didn't stand up for yourself.

Ah, the Bitch SIL from Hell Brigade. There are a lot of the little loves around. You are not alone.

I agree with the posters who say your DH needs to back you up. I think sibling loyalties die hard (it took my DH quite a few years to actually say, Yes, my sister is a bitch, even though he knew she was). You are also perfectly within your rights to tell Good SIL that you 'don't always see eye to eye with' Bitch SIL.

You may very well find that Good SIL doesn't really like Bitch SIL (I discovered this with mine). If she probes about the 'not seeing eye to eye', you are also within your rights to remind her of the Platter Incident (if she didn't see it, she might nonetheless have heard about it).

These days, I only have to deal with Bitch SIL at major family gatherings, but I have regular contact with Good SIL.

Anyway, I think you need some and a comforting .

I think your h sounds quite manipulative. And a bit of a bully when he doesn't get his own way. The incident where your mum was on her own on Christmas day shouldn't have happened. It's not fair of him to try to expose you to sil , or to refuse to see her unless your present. Your not responsible for their toxic relationship. His relationship with his sister is not more important than your relationship with your mum. I think you've been treated very unkindly.

Recognize now that this is not about you and never was. They have probably always had a dysfunctional relationship and your h has probably always kissed her backside.He has not learnt to assert himself or develop healthy boundrys so instead tosses you out there to be the focus of her dysfunction. They probably pretend that your the one causing the difficulties but in reality the likelihood is its probably always been that way between them. While your the focus of her poison he's safe , so he's not going to be in a hurry to stop it.

These things are nearly always a family issue. What are his parents like ?

When she handed you the platter you should just have handed it back and said 'No more thanks, I think I've eaten enough to be polite' and :)

As for having healthy rows I have reservations about this as it gives aggressive bullies the green light to have a right go at someone all in the name of 'honesty' - very dysfunctional as well and far from honest. I have found that these fake 'honest' types chuck their rattles out the pram when you give them a taste of their own medicine.

I am not sure why MIL couldn't be on her own but it was OK for your mother. Is MIL richer - do people dance around her because of it? I do think your DH is a big part of the problem and you are letting him off the hook.

If SIL wants to pass messages to you - let her. Embrace the snub - less contact so what's not to like? Is good SIL really that oblivious do you think? Explain your feelings but be prepared to discover that she is not being that good. Constantly inviting someone else when given an invitation is a bit rude IMO - if you wanted to invite bad SIL you would have - is she being wilfully dense?

hang on....

it's ok for him not to see his sister when his feelings have been hurt..... but it isn't ok for you to make the same decision when YOUR feelings have been hurt?

it's not acceptable for his mother to be left alone on christmas day (even though she does have other dc who could make an extra effort or she could have come to yours/made other plans with plenty of notice).....but it is acceptable for YOUR mother to be rudely uninvited and left alone on christmas day?

your husband is just as manipulative and as bad a bully as his sis! You need to stand up to him op and stand your ground when it comes to standing up for yourself. Oh, and tell him the blunt truth - that his sister is a rude bitch and you're not giving her your time unless she apologises and behaves, that you and your family are just as important and you will never allow either of you to be treated like second best shit again....and that he can grow a pair of balls and tell his sister the truth about her behaviour and stand up for you like a man. If nothing else then he can at least take responsibility for his own actions and stop blaming you/using you as an excuse.

and the next time he slanders your family just tell him straight that your family dynamics are realistic and they have no airs and graces....whereas his are superficial and anally repressed!

can you tell i'm furious on your behalf? i wouldn't allow any man to treat me or my family like that - not even if he were the king of england!

Stay away from her.

Life is too short to be around people who make you feel this way. It's not self-esteem, it's your mental health.

What do you and your DCs lose by not having contact with her? Nothing.

What do you gain? Plenty.

There's your answer.

What your DH does is up to him, but not your responsibility.

Which is what my counsellor told me.

Next time sil calls and you hear your name mentioned I'd snatch the phone and tell her in no uncertain terms what I thought. How dare she ring your phone and upset you in this passive aggressive way. What really will she do about it ?

I concur, you have a DH problem as much as a SIL problem.

I think YOU need to develop your growing backbone fore you can demand that your husband does.

I am not sure why you let your own mum sit alone for Christmas, just because you were blackmailed by nasty and toxic inlaws and husband.

Spot on Twizzleship.

OP - your problem with your husband is greater than the one with your SIL.

He has put you in a no-win situation.

He doesn't stick up for you in person, when third parties are involved or when his sister by-passes you by phoning him.

He won't support your wish not to see her, or your acceptance that he can see her either on his own or with the children.

He won't do any of the above because he doesn't have the guts to stand up to her, and deal with any of the fall-out from his "perfect" non-arguing family.

Tell him you're not making him choose between her or you, you're just choosing not to be subjected to nasty, bullying behaviour by a member of his family. I think the good SIL is a bit of a red herring at this stage. You just need to sort this first, however she reacts is up to her.

Don't see her. Tell him you don't want to hear anything directed to you from her, or anything about her. He won't like it (cause he knows you're justified in feeling this way but it's his sister, even if he doesn't like her very much!). You'll probably have the odd row, and feel strange the first time he goes to see her without you. But if he won't defend you then he can't be surprised you've defended yourself.

People may say life's too short, you just have to put up with this sort of in-law stuff. No way. Little niggles and personality differences yes, but not a nasty, mean bully. I say life's too short to put up with them - so don't. Good luck.

odinsdaughter, you have bigger problems than your SIL and I would put money on you deciding not to see her as the start of you seeing lots of other things in your life that are going on.

Onward and upward.
xxxx

I'm with everyone else.

Your husband is being manipulative and selfish and a bully.

You do not have to endure this situation and if your husband keeps picking at you, do what a PP suggested and send an email to SIL and lovely SIL saying what's happened.

it will cause one helluva bomb but which is worse? low level cruelty from SIL (the platter thing was downright cruel) or an explosion that gets you out of dealing with this woman again?

But I think the real problem is your husband treating your feeligns as unimportant and his as the ones that matter.

tempted to say ditch the husband!

He only sees her once or twice a year by his own choice!

And three hours with someone who doesn't like you is three hours too long!

Can't believe you cancelled your mum last year!

And if you like your other SIL, I wouldn't cancel stuff with her to avoid the nasty one.

Agree that your DH is a problem as much as the vile SIL. There is no way that a grown man should accept either of the two choices your SIL presented him with for xmas last year when neither of those choices took into account the plans already made.

He needs a pair of balls backbone and to learn that you and he make decisions together, not accepting decisions which have been pre-approved by SIL.

As for how you deal with things - just say no. No, I'm not going to see SIL. No, we have already made plans. No. No. No. No. NO.

If you don't want to cause an open disagreement no matter how justified (and I know how it feels to want/need to avoid that) , then you need to get equally PA back. Calling SIL and leaving message if she wont speak to you - "oh DH is so silly, he forgot we had already invited DM, so no we can't make it to MIL's. Hope to catch up soon!" etc. With a trowel. And if you are forced to see her, never allow her to be PA without calling her on it, with plenty of faux-politeness - "SIL, I didn't quite catch that, what did you say?"; "SIL - sorry, what did you mean by that?"; "SIL - that's right I do enjoy my food - we're quite the pair aren't we!", etc. Ad infinitem.

SIL and DH are bullies and he enables her bitchy behaviour. You need to stop being a doormat and do what you want. If you don't want to spend time with bitch sil then don't. He can do as he pleases but he's hiding behind you to avoid telling his sister that she's a cow.

Yeah, I'd have been tempted to say "ooh would you like to share the platter with me SIL? we do both like our food so, don't we?"

Stop arguing with your DH about it.

You can state you don't think SIL likes you much, he can refuse to believe it - I don't think either of you are going to change your positions on that.

When there is a family do or you have to get together you can make the statement "I don't really get on with your sister but it is your family so I'll go along with it." You don't have to justify that, just go along with it without further arguments. If your DH starts arguing just restate your position. It isn't worth trashing your marriage over one person being horrible.
Stop trying to engage with your SIL.
DH and I both agree we find each other's family very trying. We put up with our in laws because we have to, it isn't worth falling out over one visit a year. If they were in your house every 10 minutes then it would be an issue.

This thread had taken an interesting turn. Its made me think.

DH genuinely is a good, kind hearted person.

(Almost) the only thing we really do not agree on is his family.

I've got 20 years of anecdotes and I can't put them all down on one thread. However, although i don't want to drip feed, the posts from late yesterday evening made me think about another aspect: how DH behaves around his family.

Basically it has irritated me for years because he turns into a little boy again. Not the tantruming, little king type, but a crowd pleaser. I find it very unattractive. As his wife, he's been expecting me to jump through whichever hoop he sets. He says he wants me to be myself, but there are countless unspoken rules covering just about everything, most of which are not normal. We've had some very big arguments about it in the past. What he asks of me is nothing to what he will do himself.

Now he does it with the children too, but I draw the line there and won't let him make them as uncomfortable as I've let him met me. So more arguments, but when its the children involved I will not back down.

FIL is dead and MIL is wealthy, more wealthy than my mother (also a widow). However, I don't think that has anything to do with how DH behaves. I suspect DH's behaviour around his family goes right back to his childhood.

MIl's wealth, on the other hand, may well have something to do with SIL's behaviour. I do not come from a family background where you expect to inherit anything of value, but DH does. I've always viewed this as his family business and I stay out it, because its none of my business. This was why I was so shocked, and hurt, by the insinuations SIL made in the Spring. However, it did make me wonder what she thought she was defending? She and her DH have done some very odd things this last year regarding involving themselves in MIL's assets. I've heard MIL complain of it, but it seems to me she still lets it happen.

I've been keeping out of it, but now I am interested! Maybe SIL meant to scare me off in the Spring, but actually combining the epihany I had about DH last night along with the doubt from that phone call in Spring, I think I am going to start taking an interest. SIL may just have made a BIG mistake of involving the only person who is not under her thumb!

your MIL is reasonable, more reasonable than her?