Husband gets annoyed if I don't want sex

[Fandangos]

I have this issue constantly. Basically, if I say I'm not up for it, he throws himself around in a huff and sighs and will be in a foul mood with me and the kids.

I have a 7 year old and 3 year old twins. I worry about things like money (we all do) and I'm a stay at home mum. I find it hard to want sex. Sometimes I get on with it and end up enjoying it. Often, I feel cheapened.

We have sex roughly once or twice per week, but this changes when he's gone in a huff, because that's just a massive passion-killer.

His reaction in itself puts me off. I've been completely honest with him. Even telling him that sometimes I have sex with him when I don't want to. He just says he can't help his reaction.

I love him, he's a good Dad and husband and I fantasise about us going away for a weekend, no kids...and having sex.

What can I say/do to help him realise his behaviour is unfair. Do I need to take up drinking to get through it?!

[Allways123]

Why not do date nights etc and schedule time for only you two..if your busy with the kids he could be feeling left out somehow

[Xxjagxx89]

My boyfriend is the same way. He throws a tantrum every time I say no. Ruins both our days. I try not to be home as often to avoid an argument. Most nights I'll lay there let him do his thing to avoid an argument. He says that he does a lot for me so there is no reason to say no. And he does dont get me wrong but I'm at a point that I'll do it myself if you think well get sex out of this. There is just no way to say no. He tells me I'm cheating or I dont find him attractive anymore which is not true I'm just tired of having sex daily if I want it or not. If he doesn't get it daily or multiple times a day he is a 3 year old toddler. I hate it. I don't feel excited for it anymore and as you guys say i never get the chance to get turned on. When i get out of the shower he expects me to be naked but I'm freezing! If i have clothes on he gets mad. I'm almost ready to walk away and it sucks because everything else is great but I dont feel respected. I try to talk to him and he goes into his trutle shell and says i dont love him and that's literally the end of the conversation. I'll keep rambling on but he already shut down. And the second part I get constant vaginal infections and I'm in pain and he doesnt care at all and even when I got to the point and gave in and just let him fuck me he said to me that he thinks all the pain is just in my head!! Excuse me??? I went to the doctor and I'm on medication for it and there is green stuff coming from me. So it's like other way I can't win. Any advice before I move on? Am I doing something wrong

[NoMoreDickheads]

I know this is an old thread, but this is one of my pet hates in men. I hope to never put up with it again from anyone!

He tells me I'm cheating or I dont find him attractive anymore

@Xxjagxx89 This is even more abusive. And expecting you to do it every day (or multiple times!!) whether you want to or not, is even more bleak. There's something wrong with him if he's that obsessed with sex IMO.

It's getting late and I've had my meds, but the rest of what you describe is just as bad, if not worse. Please LTB xxx

[YRGAM]

I am ashamed to say that I was this guy when I was in my early twenties. A black mood would descend on me if my partner and I did not have sex regularly, and I would snap, talk down to her and generally be unpleasant to be around. As the poster above mentioned, I would assume t hi s meant my partner no longer found me attractive. Luckily my partner would never 'let me get on with it' and as such we would often argue about it.

It was only after a couple of years, and after many discussions about it, that it dawned on me how my advances were actually making her feel - that I was not giving her a chance to get in the mood for intimacy on her terms, creating a horrible atmosphere that seeped into all aspects of our relationship, and even making sex something transactional - us having sex in exchange for me being in a good mood. After a very tough time we managed to move past this, and we are now married with a young baby.

For those of you in this thread on the other side of this situation, I would recommend having a serious talk with your partners - maybe out of the house or at a time where sex is out of the equation - about how their behaviour is making you feel and that constant demands for sex are creating a toxic atmosphere for you in the relationship. In my sex-obsessed state of mind I was just not thinking about how my partner was actually feeling.

[DingleberryRose]

When I say no to my DH (as I did last night) his response is always something along the lines of “OK sweet, no worries” cuddle and carry on with our day/night (been together close on 15 years).

I would NEVER EVER accept sulking, huffing and puffing as a response and nor should you! It’s emotional manipulation and it’s abhorrent! Tell him to grow up!!

[DingleberryRose]

It’s an old thread but it’s ever relevant and comes up a lot on here.

[Frenchw1fe]

@Xxjagxx89 if you have an infection and your dp insists on sex he's probably reinfecting you. Green stuff is more than thrush. Your dp needs to go to the gp.

Also you need to tell him NO means NO and to back off. He's a sex pest and is manipulating you by accusing you of not finding him attractive.

[Dashel]

I put up with one of these men years ago and thought it was normal behaviour and I gave in for a quiet life. I lay there crying and during this he actually proposed. At that point i knew I needed out as it was killing me, but it got worse before then.

Be careful as I think my ex thought that he had a right to my body and by this point the more I said no the angrier he got.

At the time it didn’t feel like rape but now looking back it definitely does. Thankfully DH is totally different in his view to sex and it’s either both of us 100% keen or nothing happens.

Please don’t stay with men who do this to you, what advice would you give your friend, sister, daughter if they were in your situation?

[Ididit2019]

@Xxjagxx89 that sounds awful... That is abusive behaviour he has such disregard for your health just to get his needs met.

[Mums800]

Just come across this thread as I’m having the same issue. My partner wants sex every night and when he doesn’t get it he gets really pissed off and sulks. I have a good sex drive, (well I thought I did) obviously not the same as him 🤦🏻‍♀️ I find that every night is too much. Dread going to bed as I know what’s coming and the arguments will start. I’ve felt rubbish lately what with everything going on and his reply to that is ‘Snap out of it’ when all I really need is a hug. This issue has been ongoing now for a while and it’s really getting me down. Any advice would be massively appreciated. Thanks.

[Interestedwoman]

It would be the end from me if an OH/lover was like this again. If it was a serious relationship they'd perhaps get one warning. Maybe strops are a bit less hard work than nagging IDK, but either is awful.

He just says he can't help his reaction.

Of course he can help throwing himself around and huffing.

Snap out of it

@Mums800 The sex issue is bad enough, but being stroppy like this and unsupportive is another/makes it even worse.

[fuckoffImcounting]

He, and all men who behave like him, are sex pests, and therefore render themselves entirely unfuckable. It is their choice and entirely their fault. Their poor wives and partners are left with some very unpleasant choices, either fuck the unfuckable or leave. If you keep on fucking the unfuckable the poor ole lady garden will dry to a dusty sad and scratchy desert and then Prince Charming will blame you for that.

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

Never mind him moving to be closer to you. His choice. Never too be used against you.
Read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
See how much your recognise of yourself in there.

[Misskg1982]

I'm in your exact position myself and it's awful. My OH told me just yet again yesterday that he isn't happy in our relationship because we don't have sex enough and he needs more sex. We have a three year old and I do feel due to tiredness my sex drive is lacking. But what also doesn't help is the constant nagging about it, making me feel bad when Im shattered but his expecting me to see to him before I go to sleep. It upsets me as well as I'm the one running around trying to keep everyone happy. I work FT, I'm the one who runs our little one back and forth to child care, always up early regardless whether it's the weekend or I'm on holiday. I've explained this to him and how my needs and wants are just as important. But I said to him yesterday that if his need is so much greater then this relationship, there's the door. I cannot and I refuse to keep having the same conversation and feeling like I'm being such a shit partner. I underatand its an important part of a relationship but so is being a team and working together to build your partnership. Not having a strop because you didn't get it the odd night a week.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Well done @Misskg1982 You're not the shit partner, he is. xxx

[Nyton]

Hi all,

I've been pondering on getting in touch through this type of forum for a while. I'm a husband and have been married for 11 years.

This is not a "I don't get enough sex post/reply" of course, I'd like to, In honesty! However my concern comes more from a affection In general and need for feeling loved point of view. As I'm sure some of the spouses/husbands maybe feeling also? I really don't want to echo the same cliche, AND! Apologies for potentially highjacking op.

I absolutely love my wife completely.. I somehow feel deceitful by not going to her directly... But, here we are.

To give you some back drop, my wife has older children from prior, who I class the same as my own (we have two younger boys together). We have an age gap, she being my senior, as you may have guessed?

It seems a recurring theme over many years, at least in my head. I can't lie, it can affect my mood towards her, not in a disrespectful way, she is my everything and it would kill me to think she's had a similar thought process to what I've read through this thread. Mood most definitely does not transcend to the children! I also understand the intricacies (to an extent) and levels when having children, work and a household like ours can affect us and people in general.

It seems we have very infrequent moments where we actually are a couple, unless I make that stand. I mean, it just feels like we're living together. If I didn't make effort to take us to "couple" status we may as well just be room mates.

Coming into my relationship I was quite inexperienced in a number of ways. No long term relationships, few sexual partners etc. We are generally always in a good place, no crazy arguements and I dote over our children. I'm an active member of the household. Work full time, and everything including "chores" are an even split. Yes, this is from a males point of view, so there could be a slight indifference 🤔.

From a selfish point of view I guess, I feel I want more romance, more of my wife, more us, if that makes sense.. I'd like to be approached every once in a while, cuddle, random kiss, spontaneity (obviously when it's appropriate). I feel I have these traits, and deliver them into the relationship at times. I'm a very touchy feely type of person. Massages and shoulder rubs whilst she may be cooking for example (I cook too fyi) purposely grasing past her, hugging and complementing.

I am far from perfect, I have my demons and I'm sure I absolutely could do more for her. She will often say she loves me, and will apologise for not being as spoken as I can be about it. Now I think I'm in the wrong for making her feel the need to say it, reading this thread 🤭.

What I'm asking is, should I just accept that this is us? Am I ok In thinking that I'd like more affection (as it once was) and it's not a crime to desire that? Is there anything I should be considering? Anything I may need to address In myself?

Hard to close off.. Thanks for reading, and appreciate any feedback/advice. Battery is low, need to post before I lose these words!

[Misskg1982]

@NoMoreDickheads 😙 thank you

[NiceMum876]

Okay, I am not sure what else to do. I feel like my husband loves sex more than he loves me. We have a 2 year old son and a 5 months old son. Each of my pregnancies i went through hell. I lost my sex drive during my pregnancies and that caused my husband to treat me very badly. He got disrespectful and talk to me terribly even with others around. He called me names and threatened divorce throughout my entire pregnancies. He said I stopped being a wife whenever we don't have sex often. Alot went by and I keep forgiving him. We've been having sex more but yesterday he woke me up in the morning for sex. I had a terrible headache and I told him my head hurts. Because of this he now malices me and is angry. What hurts too is that we only have sex on his terms (when he wants). If I initiate sex he said no he is playing video games and can't right now or he wants to sleep etc. I really don't know what to do but most times I just feel used. He never agrees to counseling so that's not an option.

[Suzyseis]

Your husband isn’t being fair.
I went through years after DC of having zero sex drive and actually finding sex quite painful. It was hard for my husband and he was frustrated but he never ever threw a strop or acted like an entitled duck. He tried to talk to me about it, suggested ideas to reignite my libido, offered to just pleasure me. Now, I’m starting to get more sleep, life is strange but less hectic and lock down seems to have ignited a second spring in me. I never would have believed even 2 months ago that I would be so up for it. But I can guarantee if my husband had acted like a selfish entitled teenager I wouldn’t be jumping his bones at any chance!

[BubblyBarbara]

Men need to, well, man up and actually leave/ask for a divorce if it bothers them that much. If they can waste the energy nagging for sex why not use that energy to split up and find a woman more suited to them?

[MelJan]

My partner is the same. I have stage 4 cancer & going through the menopause. My partner expects sex & sulks if I don't give in.

[gamerchick]

I hope some of you have left hour knobends in the 7 year since this was first posted.

[freeatlast2021]

My stbx did not want me to have sex with him if I did not want it, but he wanted me to want it. Well, how do you "make" yourself want something you do not want. Isn't that the same as doing something you do not want? I guess what he meant was, I should pretend better. Gosh they can be pigs sometimes.