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Original poster

Husband gets annoyed if I don't want sex

106 replies

Fandangos · 18/11/2014 00:23

I have this issue constantly. Basically, if I say I'm not up for it, he throws himself around in a huff and sighs and will be in a foul mood with me and the kids.

I have a 7 year old and 3 year old twins. I worry about things like money (we all do) and I'm a stay at home mum. I find it hard to want sex. Sometimes I get on with it and end up enjoying it. Often, I feel cheapened.

We have sex roughly once or twice per week, but this changes when he's gone in a huff, because that's just a massive passion-killer.

His reaction in itself puts me off. I've been completely honest with him. Even telling him that sometimes I have sex with him when I don't want to. He just says he can't help his reaction.

I love him, he's a good Dad and husband and I fantasise about us going away for a weekend, no kids...and having sex.

What can I say/do to help him realise his behaviour is unfair. Do I need to take up drinking to get through it?!

OP posts:
ptumbi · 19/11/2014 09:03

Ah - thanks yonic. Was beginning to wonder...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/11/2014 09:10

OP said they have sex once or twice a week, that is regular, nobody said anything about them being celibate. They have a 7 year old and 3 year old twins too, kind of wears you out I imagine.

Cambridgechick · 19/11/2014 11:07

I get this behaviour from DH too. We have a shit relationship. My cousin is unable to have sex for medical reasons (and by this I mean that it is a physical impossibility). She has a loving, supportive relationship with her DH. What is wrong with these wankers men who seem to think that they're entitled to it just because they're married? We can still say no, and it is not the 'b'all and end all of a loving relationship; a strong emotional connection and the ability to put someone else first (rather than your dick) is what counts.

Chandon · 19/11/2014 11:11

Women who are not that keen on sex usually just have a selfish/rubbish lover....

But as he sees sex as something you owe him, I reckon the sex is all about HIS pleasure, right? So what is in it for you?

LadyBlaBlah · 19/11/2014 12:10

Also been there. With an ex-H.

My experience is it isn't even worth the conversation.

Hard to hear I know. It's incredibly disappointing that men like this don't seem to change. I begged my ex to change...he didn't/ couldn't/ wouldn't.

I now enjoy sex and am free to say no when I don't feel like it with no histrionics and drama.

Wish I had better news but this only continues. The moodiness with the children proved a deal breaker for me.

LadyBlaBlah · 19/11/2014 12:14

I agree with Chandon's statement btw.

I thought I hated sex. Turns out I love it. Just hated it with him.

differentnameforthis · 19/11/2014 12:20

potless111 I have been marriedfor 20+ years and we have had our fair share of dry patches. Last one lasted a yr+. My dh was not inclined to have an affair or start using prostitutes during that time because our marriage is based on more than sex.

If a man seeks sex outside his marriage that is his fault and only he carries the blame for that. It is very unpleasent of you to come onto a thread where a woman has admitted she is overtly pesturedfor sex, and then is faced with sulking (manipulation) for saying no, and imply that if she doesnt sort it out, she will be to blame if her dh seeks sex elswhere...not to mention that it is totally inaccrate in the first place!!

BertieBotts · 19/11/2014 12:21

Yep, another one here who always had a "low sex drive" which mysteriously morphed into a quite normal/average (even high, compared to what I used to think!) sex drive when I encountered a respectful and caring partner. Total revelation!

Handywoman · 19/11/2014 13:33

Same as Bertie. With ex I had zero sex drive. He had PE throughout the entire marriage which he used to apologise for but never do anything about. he used to get grumpy and sulky when he didn't get enough and did sweet FA around the house or with the kids.

When I left him I worried that I'm a freak with no sex drive.

Turns out I am completely normal and enjoy sex a lot when I have it with a caring and respectful man.

TheCowThatLaughs · 19/11/2014 13:56

Same here with the "low sex drive" that changed to a high sex drive when I was no longer in a relationship where I was being harassed and pressurised into sex, surprise, surprise. Nothing wrong with my sex drive!

ptumbi · 19/11/2014 14:17

OP it is not you. Some men can have sex every day and still go looking for it with OW or prostitutes.

Realmom115 · 01/04/2018 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FoxesResting · 01/04/2018 15:11

@Realmom115 can you fuck off from resurrecting zombie threads to tell women they should be having sex if they don't want to?

DamsonOnThisDress · 01/04/2018 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamsonOnThisDress · 01/04/2018 15:31

Well, darn.

vasya120 · 28/05/2018 09:31

I've found this thread, and it still appears to be a hot topic.
The OP's husband is clearly immature.
As an adult man he should realize, that once you marry, and have kids, what he wants no longer matters.
He better STFU and to provide for his family, with no complains, or expectations of anything in return.
If he is really, really patient, and stop pestering his wife for sex, she might even get in the mood for it time to time. However it will be because she feels like it, not because her husband wants it.

DaphneduWarrior · 29/05/2018 08:28

I realise this is a zombie thread, but - I can’t tell, @vasya120, whether you’re being sarcastic or not. On the off chance you are and think that the husband in the OP is entitled to sex:

Yes, when you have kids, what you want matters less.

And yes, if a man pesters a woman for sex, of course she won’t be in the mood for it.

And sex should only happen when both partners feel like it, not just when her husband wants it.

Fedup85 · 29/05/2018 08:42

This is an old thread, but I wonder how she is doing.....

iamthrough · 29/05/2018 10:59

I've just read through this post. Didn't realise it was so old until I got to the end. Having been in a very similar situation myself am genuinely curious.. Also agree with lots of the comments on here. @fandangos How are you doing? Hope things have improved for you. X

vasya120 · 01/06/2018 17:20

Thank You, @DaphneduWarrior.
I'm glad you agree with me.
I don't see any other solutions for the husband, beside what I've suggested above.

He better STFU and to provide for his family, with no complains, or expectations of anything in return.

Maybe someone on this board has other ideas for him.

Batty18 · 04/10/2018 07:01

Hi, we've been married 22 years. I live my husband although he is a tad hard to understand sometimes. Can be very moody. Problem is we are now in separate rooms as he says I snore really badly and I got fed up of the tension because of it so I now sleep in there. Trouble is I don't want sex as much anymore. Don't know why presume it's hormones. I still find him attractive but he gets really cobby and sarcastic about the lack of it. I can't help it. Also we have a daughter still at home who listens / can hear. Embarrassing. Says he might as well sleep about cause his wife don't want a relationship with him which simply isn't true. Just not sex sex sex. God know what to do he's so moody about it.

ajohns1079 · 22/01/2019 20:27

You are not alone and I am very relieved to find out that neither am I. My husband did the same thing to me last night. I picked up a stomach bug that my five-year-old daughter brought her for school. When he came in last night and I told him I was sick and of course he was seeking sex again as usual he got mad and turned into a little spoiled smart.

First he said oh how convenient is it to insinuate that I was making it up or something. Then I reply by the way thank you for asking how I am. He said you didn’t ask me how I was. I have to deal with this sort of behavior all the time literally every other day if I am too tired or sick and can’t have sex with him.

The ridiculous part is we still have it constantly day and night every time I moved here he comes. I can’t even work my work from home job productively when he comes around because he sucks at my entire morning by wanting to have sex again, even if we just had sex a few hours ago literally.

I feel your pain and I’ve told him how I feel he just doesn’t care. It’s made me realize that he doesn’t care I have to deal with this sort of behavior all the time literally every other day if I am too tired or sick and can’t have sex with him. The ridiculous part is we still have it constantly day and night every time I move, here he comes.

I can’t even work my eyes work from home job productively when he comes around because he sucks of my entire morning but I wanted to have sex again, even if we just had sex a few hours ago literally. I feel your pain and I told him how I feel he just doesn’t care. It’s made me realize that he doesn’t care at me care About me at all. He is only concerned when he need something which is usually sex or money or if it has something to do with our kids. He only takes an interest in me when he wants to have sex or if you need something and I am tired of this. I’m seriously thinking about leaving him because honestly what am I hanging around for? For instance today he’s giving me the silent treatment and ignoring my text because we need to go to the grocery store. I don’t drive so he So he plays games when he knows that I need to go somewhere such as the doctor or to the grocery store.

I am in the process of starting to learn driving last so I can get my license. I asked her to take me to the DMV but of course he made up 1 million excuses why he could not do so. I’m tired of him and his controlling ways. So sorry to drag on and on it’s just a relieved to find other women who understand what I go through. My suggestion would be to stand up for yourself tell her how you feel and if he doesn’t care about you maybe it’s time to find someone who does. Or to just get back to yourself like I’m going to do with me and my three kids.

Adora10 · 22/01/2019 22:43

That is horrible and it isn’t love it’s a pig of a man demanding the use of your body, I think you need to seriously think if that’s the kind of person you want to be with.

Mum2Four01 · 02/03/2019 08:32

I realise this is an old thread, but I wanted to put my .02 in as well.

We have been married for 24 years, and have 4 children, including a set of twins. I won't lie, there were times when the children were small that I was just over being touched - by anyone. If I didn't have a baby (or two!) hanging off me I had early school age kids demanding my attention and throwing tantrums. Fun times lol.

I really had to put myself out there for my husband. There were days when I really really wanted to just soak in a bath and crawl into bed. It wasn't that I didn't love my husband, I did, I was just soooo damn tired.

He shouldn't be pestering you for sex, but it can be very frustrating to be constantly rejected, have you considered that? I also disagree that he's sexually abusing you.

You're both at fault here - and you are both equally responsible for your marriage. You need to sit down and tell him how you're feeling, and what you need from him. He needs to do the same for you.

Allways123 · 02/03/2019 09:28

It sounds like he knows that your tired and not in the mood and this very fact is the turn on for him... That he can force you to do something... i.e.. be intimate against your will.. If you see it from that angle, it is a form of abuse. Or maybe he's madly in love etc and can't get enough of you. Either way if your tired or whatever and your doing it when you really don't want to somethings wrong because surely he wants you to be happy.