Husband gets annoyed if I don't want sex

[Fandangos]

I have this issue constantly. Basically, if I say I'm not up for it, he throws himself around in a huff and sighs and will be in a foul mood with me and the kids.

I have a 7 year old and 3 year old twins. I worry about things like money (we all do) and I'm a stay at home mum. I find it hard to want sex. Sometimes I get on with it and end up enjoying it. Often, I feel cheapened.

We have sex roughly once or twice per week, but this changes when he's gone in a huff, because that's just a massive passion-killer.

His reaction in itself puts me off. I've been completely honest with him. Even telling him that sometimes I have sex with him when I don't want to. He just says he can't help his reaction.

I love him, he's a good Dad and husband and I fantasise about us going away for a weekend, no kids...and having sex.

What can I say/do to help him realise his behaviour is unfair. Do I need to take up drinking to get through it?!

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I agree with Joysmum. If I said that to dh he would be utterly shocked and devastated that I had felt that way. He would tell me that I must never ever sleep with him unless I want to. Anything less would be unthinkable.

[Joysmum]

Oh and I've written befor that I see sex as something that happens when I feel emotionally connected to my DH, whereas he sees it as also a way to emotionally connect. We see it differently.

However, if he thought I didn't want to, he'd never proceed anyway because that wouldn't gain him the connection he'd want anyway.

You need to make sure you only have sex when you want to, regardless of his reaction. To try to pressure you to give in would be abuse, to continue after you said no would be rape.

[pictish]

Oooh gosh OP he's a nasty, petty man.

Look...marriage does not entitle any person to a steady stream of willing sex. Your (generic your) partner is not a machine, or a facility. You do not purchase a fuck puppet by getting married. Your dh needs to understand this.

The comment he made about "I don't really feel like it, but I'll try" speaks volumes. He clearly believes that sex when he wants it is in his care package, and he is being denied what is his right to have.
It is normal for him to want sex. It is abusive of him to get angry if he doesn't get it.

He's a bully and a pest. And a cunt. That dig at you when you looked for help with the children...just fuck that. How atrocious.

[PedantMarina]

Watch from 1:25-1:31 of .

[MrsTerryPratchett]

What do you think he would say if you said, "I don't want to at all, but I will"? Because if he would carry on regardless, it is abusive. Do you think you could talk to someone about it, maybe Women's Aid?

Being 'foul' with your children because you didn't get laid... yuk.

[differentnameforthis]

He just says he can't help his reaction. Sorry op but this is BS! My 6yr old can't help her reactions to things...I would certainly expect a full grown adult to be able to control his actions.

What else does he use this excuse for?

[MindReader]

My H and I don't have a 'normal' marriage.
For various reasons a 'normal' sex life has been difficult physically, and now emotionally, for some years.

What has killed it stone dead for me is the sort of thing OP is talking about above.
H and I did some stuff in the garden on Sunday (I cant do much).
I asked him if would move a large bush for me. I asked a couple of times and could see he didn't really want the effort (fair enough). Then he said he would move it, if I 'gave him a massage' later (his code for sex). I told him to leave the bush where it was. He then started ranting on about it 'not being a proper marriage'.

I understand men can get frustrated and my H must. I also understand that men seek sex FOR intimacy and women once they HAVE intimacy (in general).

But, H would defo have sex with me if I said I didn't want to at ALL but would do it 'for a quiet life'. He wouldn't care a jot - he sees it as part of my 'wifely duty' which I have reneged on and he will exchange household jobs / childcare for it. Yy to the stroppiness / sulking - the 'being nice' beforehand and ignoring immediately after when the purpose has been achieved.

I am sorry, OP we seem to be married to men who have a similar outlook on this.

[Vivacia]

How can you be so accepting about being with men who sexually abuse you?

[Vivacia]

What can I say/do to help him realise his behaviour is unfair.

Sit him down tonight and tell him what you have told us. "Sometimes I have sex with you when I don't want to. I have sex because otherwise you get in a bad mood and take it out on me and the kids".

The only normal, acceptable reaction is "shocked" and "devastated".

[ptumbi]

Getting the dc ready and dressed is an essential part of the day.

Sex isn't.

[Rumplestrumpet]

Sorry to hear you're going through this Fandangos. It sounds to me like you need to have a very honest talk to your DH about this. It might help if you have clear in your mind what's reasonable and what's not. I think the general consensus on here seems to be along the following lines:

• it's reasonable that he wants to have sex with his wife once or twice a week. For intimacy or simply for shared pleasure (both are legitimate imho)
  
• it's reasonable that he feels rejected sometimes when you say you're not in the mood.
  

• it's UNreasonable that he treats sex as a wifely duty - in a marriage each partner has a duty to care for each other
  
• it's UNreasonable that he reacts in a childish way that hurts your feelings
  
• it's UNreasonable that he puts his own feelings ahead of yours
  
• it's UNreasonable that he equates you "giving" him sex with him "helping" with the kids - caring for the children is a parental responsibilty, and one which you both have to share equally
  
• it's UNreasonable that he expects you to do something so intimate when it's likely to leave you feeling used.
  

You can take the time to hear him out on how he feels when you turn him down. I don't doubt that this can be very difficult for some men, just like it can be for women. But he must also listen to, and take on board, how his behaviour makes you feel. You might be more willing to get yourself in the mood if he makes more of an effort to make you feel special, rather than a toy to play with for a while.

Best of luck OP, this is a really tough one.

[Jan45]

OMG, he is using you like a piece of meat, no doubt in full knowledge it's actually against your wishes.

I don't know what is worse, his warped sense of entitlement or your acceptance of the situation, ffs, he is not a god and you are not a slave. Shocked.com.

I would have zero respect for this man, = no relationship.

[Fandangos]

Pedantmarina, I'm actually Scottish too! Thanks for all your comments, they've opened my eyes to be honest.

My husband is someone I find intelligent and caring in many ways. However, I'm realising that some of the caring things he does may just be to get me into bed. If it works, then fair enough! But if I'm still not in the mood, here lies the problem.

I have a few things I want to say this evening. However, I have actually spoken very frankly with him in the past; saying a lot of what's been suggested here. But I have been loving and gentle in my delivery. Now I'm pissed off and I've had enough.

My friend's mum is a counsellor, so I'm going to have a chat to her and take it from there.

Thanks for the responses.

[Jan45]

I would also be very suspicious of a man that demanded sex so much, what happens if you don't put out - cyber sex - online dating, sex sites....the list is endless. Angry on your behalf.

[Xiou]

Have you told him how his demands make you feel?

[Lweji]

Fwiw, the pressure for sex ruined my marriage. Towards the end my ex got so angry when I didn't want it, that he physically attacked me. That really ended it.
No nice conversations nor forceful pointing it out worked.
If your oh can't see it now I doubt he ever will, but give it a go.
However, I bet the entitlement and pressure will only stop when you send him on his way to singlehood.

[potless111]

i think you two need to have a serious sit down and talk before the problem of lack of sex descends into something bigger.

when women stop offering sex on a regular basis, men are faced with choosing 1 of 4 options;

1. be virtually celibate for the rest of their lives
   
2. divorce and having to start again
   
3. have an affair
   
4. start visiting prostitutes.
   
   take it from me and all who i know, if you have been married a long time, most men won't choose options 1 or 2...

[ptumbi]

potless - when women 'stop offering sex'? Are you blaming the OP for not 'offering' herself up? This is not a transaction! This is a relationship, where two people have sex together - and if one doesn't want it (for whatever reason) then the other has no grounds for sulks, tantrums and emotional abuse.

It's not, and should never be, one offering/giving/being co-erced to the other, and the other taking, or expecting, sex. It is possible for a man to go a week or even a month without taking sex from a woman.

[Golferman]

I think it is immaturity. I remembered being like this when I first got married. Once I matured though and grew up I saw the error of my ways.

[Lweji]

Options 3 and 4 are the least of the OP's problems.
And only prostitutes offer themselves to sex.
Is that how you think of the OP?
Do men offer themselves to sex? What about when women want it and men don't? Should they put out in case their wives go with 3 and 4?

The biggest problem here is how his pressure is damaging her and the relationship. No pressure and no sense of entitlement and I bet he'd get more and better sex.
As it's going it's more likely that he'll find himself with all of the below:

1. no sexual partner
   
2. weekend visits from kids
   
3. expensive divorce
   
4. maintenance
   
5. criminal lawsuit for sexual abuse

[YonicScrewdriver]

Save your pixels, folks - plotless is a visitor from one of the pun*ing sites...

[potless111]

lweji - thats why i am saying they need to sit down and talk about it.

[Fairylea]

There's nothing more unattractive than someone pestering you for sex when you have 3 young children and getting into a sulk over it. What a giant dickhead.

I left my first husband over similar. The whole thing just completely put me off him.

I'd rather be without the husband than have the constant pressure to have sex that I didn't want.

I'm now remarried and dh has a higher sex drive than me, always has done, but there is no pressure. If I don't feel like it it isn't even an issue.

[ptumbi]

OFFS - sex is not like food and water!" A man will not DIE if he doesn't get sex once a week - or even once a month. It's nice, it's like a luxury to 'get' sex once a week, but it is not a necessity. Other options are available. And I don't mean he is then 'entitled' to go to prostitutes or OW.

OP has talked to him, but in his head he has the same attitude you have, potless, that he needs it, is entitled to it, and can't live without it.