Sockgate - What would you make of this?

[pinkandpurplebottle]

I recently got back together with my boyfriend, whom I had been dating for about 6 months. We split up about a month ago but decided to give it another go last week.

We have just spent the weekend together. Had a lovely day on Saturday, but by the afternoon I was absolutely shattered having had a very busy and stressful week so decided to have a nap. He was very nice, let me rest and cooked me a nice meal in the evening. I had also been a bit tearful, as had a terrible week at work, lots of stress and I think it all came to the surface in the evening.

Anyway, he popped out to the shops to get some stuff for his meal. I got out of bed and realised I didn't bring a spare pair of socks so went into his sock drawer and put on a pair of his. Later on, when we were sat on the sofa, he noticed that I was wearing his socks. He points it out and tells me to take them off and give them back to him. I just sort of laugh it off but it turns out he was serious. He then gets very huffy about it. I said to him that I didn't realise they were meaningful to him and that I didn't take them off because I thought he was joking when he told me he was upset about me wearing them. I told him that if it was the other way around, i.e. him borrowing a pair of my socks at my house I wouldn't be bothered so that is why I didn't see it as a problem (also he wasn't in to ask at the time). He then says that it touched a nerve with him because he has lost several nice items of clothing to girlfriends who have 'borrowed' things in the past like nice jumpers etc who never gave them back. He said that I was being unreasonable because he had made me dinner and had looked after me all afternoon because I was feeling down and I can't reciprocate by listening to his feelings. When we got to bed he was huffing and puffing about it. I told him I was sorry and could we just leave it. He said things like 'This is the reason why it's not working out between us' and 'I've been a fool' (meaning about us getting back together). I was so tired, I just wanted to get to sleep but he kept wanting us 'talk it out', I felt there wasn't really anything to talk about.

This morning started off as being abit awkward. We managed to make up later but, I don't know, it just seems so petty! I also don't like the idea that I'm not allowed to borrow stuff, it made me feel like a thief or I didn't mean anything to him. I also don't like that he would through in stuff about whether we should be together.

What is going on here? Would other people go all funny about a boyfriend/girlfriend borrowing an item of clothing without asking?

He's a controlling, childish arse. Sew a couple of buttons onto his precious sock and make it into a hand puppet. Your new puppet has something to say to him: "F**k off weirdy and go and screw up somebody else's life - your own".

If there was a sock smiley I'd post a "these are for you" !

All joking aside, please run for the hills as others have said.

I'm really disappointed about how the weekend went because of the sock incident. Everything had seemed to be going so well. It seemed like we had turned a bit of a corner when we decided to get back together. When we were split up, like I said before, I missed him terribly. It took great will power not to contact him earlier. When we finally got back in touch with each other and eventually meeting up, it seemed so right, we got on so well.

Throughout our relationship so far, there has been a pattern of things going really well only for it to turn upside down by something like this. It would go great for a while then something stupid would happen and it would all be shit and I'd be rethinking the whole thing. We would then make up and it would be great again only for it to go downhill again soon after.

I have only told one of my friends that we have got back together and tbh she was quite horrified and worried for me as I had told her about the stuff that had gone on before. I haven't told my best friend yet because I know she will be the same. None of my friends like him, they think he has some sort of personality disorder.

He has shown a lot of signs of weird controlling behaviour, from not liking me going out without him to disagreeing about whether I should sleep with a cover on (this was during the summer).

When we were apart and we got back together I thought well maybe he is just a bit weird but I could accept this as I do his good points. He has been on the shelf for a long time and think perhaps he is just unused to sharing his space with someone else. What I don't like the idea of is someone who is deliberately messing with my mind.

I'm in such two minds about this. Someone upthread mentioned perhaps I am lonely etc. This is certainly true. I've been a single mum for a while and all my friends have lovely partners and I just feel quite alone most of the time. It was really lovely to meet someone who I could chat to on the phone in the evenings or text throughout the day with, and also have nice weekends with when my DC are with their dad on alternate weekends. It makes me feel sad that what would otherwise be a really nice relationship has to seemingly always end up a bit shit because of this kind of stupid behaviour on his part.

Are you staying with him despite acknowledging he is a game player who deliberately sabotages your relationship and fucks with your head ?

Good luck with that

He is not the best you can do.

Relationships are easy, and loving and fun when it is with two people who are right for each other. You are signing up to being with a controlling, abusive bully. Why?

Your child deserves to live in a home with love, not the above shit.

Oh dear, he sounds like a dick a bit precious.

Dump him now, if he can't share his socks, he won't want to share his life and future with you either. Can you imagine having DCs with someone like this?

I'm all for keeping some things to myself so that the DCs don't break them/run batteries out etc, but ffs, socks?! Some things are sacred. Socks, not so much.

My dp likes me wearing his clothes, I always nick his jumpers and he thinks I look cute in them. I even borrowed some pants the other day when I'd run out! If he'd been annoyed I'd have thought he was a twat.

You have described the cycle of abuse.
You end up craving the highs, because the relationship can be so great. If only...

You have been warned.

He has been on the shelf for a long time and think perhaps he is just unused to sharing his space with someone else.

From what you describe there are strong reasons why he has been on the shelf for a long time. I hope he stays there for your sake and any other woman.

yes, cycle of abuse

None of my friends like him, they think he has some sort of personality disorder. RUN AWAY. Your friends love you? Care about you? Have been with you through thick and thin? Trust them. Please.

He seems to think he is allowed odd and unreasonable boundaries (unborrowed socks) when you aren't allowed normal ones (a cover on your bed and to go out).

I read the OP and thought he’s just a bit oversensitive, you should be able to get over that. I read your second post and thought – red flags! Classic abuser behaviour, one day threatening to break up with you over a pair of socks and the next day planning Christmas and how much he loves you. The biggest red flag is (actually quite often) him getting upset about something that I have seemingly done to annoy - this is him starting to condition you to walk on eggshells and dance around him – and waking me up unnecessarily and being jealous of me going out without him - classic controlling / abusive behaviour.

Then in your next post you say your friends don’t like him and don’t think you should have got back with him. Do you generally trust their judgement?

In a new relationship there are always going to be misunderstandings and not everything will be perfect but is it always you who has change your behaviour to make up? You should both be compromising. You’ve only been together 6 months; you should still be in the starry-eyed, loved-up phase. It shouldn’t be this hard.

LTB.

Run for the hills, not because of whether he was comfortable about the socks but because of the way he communicated his unhappiness

Fwiw though I would find it very weird someone borrowing my clothes without asking. I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all. There's just no need

It isn't just about the socks though. Even without sock gate there are a million reasons this man should be alone.

Just get out OP. He's probably worried you'd been through his drawers and found whatever it was you weren't meant to find. HUGE red flat - run.

a - listen to your friends
b - the reason he is talking about the future is because he is a manipulator just not a particularly good one, and he realises he didn't reign it in quick enough at the weekend, so is leaving you titbits of 'future' to keep you on board.
c - listen to your friends. Seriously - no good will come of this. If you aren't listening to them - why are they your friends. But no matter, he will soon get them out of your life. That's what they do.

Oh dear lord no.

If you'd just started dating and barely knew eachother and you wore his socks then someone who was possessive about their stuff and a nice person might inwardly have seethed but in order to be polite and BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOU, in my opinion, would either have said nothing, or picked a casual moment to say 'I know this is weird but I'm funny about my stuff, would it be ok if you didn't wear my socks, I'm sorry, I really like you etc etc etc'.

However, you dated this man for six months, and he nearly broke up with you because you wore his socks. His SOCKS. You didn't even take them out of the house. You just wore them. And he didn't have the decency to be nice about it, he was an ass about it.

Please don't keep dating this man. He sounds like a dick. You sound like a nice person, who deserves much, much better.

Someone on MN did a fantastic post once about listening to men when they told you what they are like. He has told you what he is - petty and controlling plus nasty and mean. Walk away. You are worth far more. Do not settle for this

WARNING - MAY TRIGGER

Dear OP

Your comment regarding sleeping with covers struck a chord with me. My ex insisted I sleep naked and if I slept in knickers (for instance whilst on my period) I was "hiding my fanny" and any explanation was met with derision.

I can't tell you vulnerable I felt. Having someone demand you sleep naked is actually quite frightening. My point is that for someone to tell you how to sleep is abnormal behaviour and completely unacceptable.

I can assure you that he doesn't have foibles or quirks, he is just a horrible man.

He is controlling, unreasonable, strange and manipulative. He already has you confused and trying to excuse/ignore the red flags in front of you. This will not end well. He is learning exactly how to keep you in tow, he knows you need him.

He. Will. Not. Change. In fact it will escalate. You have had enough warning. Honestly, to get into a state about socks being borrowed is insane and the tip of the iceberg.

Walk away. Seriously.

Listen to your friends OP...please. x

aylesburyduck
Oh sorry.

pinkandpurple listen to your friends.
What would you do/ say if your friend was telling you about this man? Would you be concerned?
You deserve better. This man is a worry and It is unreasonable of you to inflict him upon your child, sorry.

I think this is a bit of a red flag situation. And if you stay together this will probably happen again over something equally as trivial. Unless he has a special thing about socks or his clothes being worn by other people. But I agree life is too short to put up with this level of silly tantrums in an adult.

"Things like waking me up unnecessarily and being jealous of me going out without him."

Fuck the socks, they're the least of your worries.

You have DC, you would be irresponsible and very foolish to bring this man any further into your lives. He's shown you what he's like. Controlling.

Listen to your friends. No relationship is better than a relationship with him.

That last sentence is wrong, sorry.

Having no relationship at all, would be a better situation than having a relationship with him.

God I'm tired, sorry.

The thing is, if you are a single mum, and lonely, I will bet he clocked that early on. Previous posters are right about it being the cycle of abuse; he hooks you on the highs, so you put up with what is controlling, abusive behaviour.

I don't know if he has met your dc yet, or you have kept both parts of your life separate here. Once you introduce him to your kids, they will be subject to this shit too, and worse, he will be able to use them to get at you in so many ways. If you have not let this man into your dc lives, please do not do it.

When you let a new partner into your dc lives and your family, you are granting that person an enormous privilege and gift. If that person does not value you, how will he value your dc? He might play at valuing them but as soon as they do something 'wrong', he will talk them down and set you up in an impossible situation between defending your dc and wanting his approval (=love) and because he is a controlling git, he won't like that little people have minds of their own.

You deserve better and so do your dc . Would you put up with him telling them what covers to sleep with or without? Or keeping them awake to argue? No, so why put up with it for yourself?

Op - I posted a slightly jokey response earlier today, but have just seen your latest post which followed mine. I feel concerned that you are still in two minds about your situation. I know we are only strangers giving advice, and you will make your own choice in your own time. But we are all saying the same thing, and so are your real life friends.

I was in a relationship with a very emotionally controlling bully. Your bed cover remark reminded me of some of his "little foibles". He didn't like me going to bed at a different time to him, it disturbed him. If I didn't sleep with my arm around him then I was being unfriendly. This is only the tip of an iceberg of absolutely horrible soul-destroying behaviour. I wish I'd had MN when I was in my relationship.

This man knows you're possibly a bit vulnerable at the moment - these kind of men seem to have a radar. He's just a bad person, you don't need to justify either his or your own behaviour. You've posted because your gut feeling is that this is all wrong. You. Are. Right.

Please listen to the people who are posting on here. The only good thing I ever feel can come of my experience is that I can share it with people like yourself. You owe this man nothing. You don't live together, have children together, you haven't known him that long. Just tell him it's over, you don't even need to say why, it's just not working for you.