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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sockgate - What would you make of this?

128 replies

pinkandpurplebottle · 16/11/2014 19:08

I recently got back together with my boyfriend, whom I had been dating for about 6 months. We split up about a month ago but decided to give it another go last week.

We have just spent the weekend together. Had a lovely day on Saturday, but by the afternoon I was absolutely shattered having had a very busy and stressful week so decided to have a nap. He was very nice, let me rest and cooked me a nice meal in the evening. I had also been a bit tearful, as had a terrible week at work, lots of stress and I think it all came to the surface in the evening.

Anyway, he popped out to the shops to get some stuff for his meal. I got out of bed and realised I didn't bring a spare pair of socks so went into his sock drawer and put on a pair of his. Later on, when we were sat on the sofa, he noticed that I was wearing his socks. He points it out and tells me to take them off and give them back to him. I just sort of laugh it off but it turns out he was serious. He then gets very huffy about it. I said to him that I didn't realise they were meaningful to him and that I didn't take them off because I thought he was joking when he told me he was upset about me wearing them. I told him that if it was the other way around, i.e. him borrowing a pair of my socks at my house I wouldn't be bothered so that is why I didn't see it as a problem (also he wasn't in to ask at the time). He then says that it touched a nerve with him because he has lost several nice items of clothing to girlfriends who have 'borrowed' things in the past like nice jumpers etc who never gave them back. He said that I was being unreasonable because he had made me dinner and had looked after me all afternoon because I was feeling down and I can't reciprocate by listening to his feelings. When we got to bed he was huffing and puffing about it. I told him I was sorry and could we just leave it. He said things like 'This is the reason why it's not working out between us' and 'I've been a fool' (meaning about us getting back together). I was so tired, I just wanted to get to sleep but he kept wanting us 'talk it out', I felt there wasn't really anything to talk about.

This morning started off as being abit awkward. We managed to make up later but, I don't know, it just seems so petty! I also don't like the idea that I'm not allowed to borrow stuff, it made me feel like a thief or I didn't mean anything to him. I also don't like that he would through in stuff about whether we should be together.

What is going on here? Would other people go all funny about a boyfriend/girlfriend borrowing an item of clothing without asking?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 16/11/2014 21:57

Romey and Self totally agree with your posts

And so many reminders here of how my relationship was in the beginning with a terrifyingly controlling ex.

NorksAreMessy · 16/11/2014 22:09

When you love someone, you WANT to share stuff with them; films, music, the sofa, a lovely day out, socks, your last rolo, lots of things are better if shared with someone you love.
He won't even share socks?
Pfffft. :(

AnyFucker · 16/11/2014 22:16

he sounds like an abuser in the making (and top of the class he is too)

you write his controlling behaviour off as "foibles" and then apologise for it by saying you are "not so perfect"

would you behave like he does ? Do you think anyone deserves to be on the receiving end of it ? If not, why should you ?

you have had several warnings now about how your life would be if you stay with him

make your mind up time...you have been warned

Joysmum · 16/11/2014 22:20

Classic overcompensation to detract from his behaviour. Why?

GoodKingQuintless · 16/11/2014 22:21

I am absolutely amazed that

  1. You napped in his bed and needed a fresh pair of socks upon waking - what happened to the socks you were wearing pre-nap - taken a shower in them? Used them for wiping dusty surfaces with? wanksock
  2. You felt you could look through his drawers and help yourself

In any event, he sounds tedious.... Run for the hills.

SelfLoathing · 16/11/2014 22:52

Before you leave him OP, go to his house and empty his sock drawer into your bag. Leave a note in the drawer that is just a tiny print out of this face Grin

ROFL @ overslept. That's very good.

Romey and Self totally agree with your posts.And so many reminders here of how my relationship was in the beginning with a terrifyingly controlling ex.
Selfloathing, that was pretty much my analysis of my experiences after the event.

Romey & Only1scoop I think the terrible thing about this kind of behaviour is that it's only once you've been through it that you can see it so clearly in other people's situations.
Fortunately, I have never had anything quite as bad as this but have experience of highly controlling emotional abuse and as a result read tonnes about it.

OP a key feature is escalation. So many of these terrible stories women recount start with "you don't wear my socks" and ends up with "you will not leave the house unless you are dressed exactly as a say".

SelfLoathing · 16/11/2014 22:56

*exactly as I say

WitchWay · 16/11/2014 23:03

I would never borrow socks/anything without asking, even from DH/DH/friend/family so I think he has a point.

Lweji · 16/11/2014 23:14

Not much more to add.
Just walk away.

overslept · 16/11/2014 23:25

WitchWay?! You wouldn't borrow socks from your husband? How?! Why?! you married him. You are joined in sockly matrimony.

My socks don't fit because DP has big feet, feel like donald duck after he has worn them. Tried his once and stood on one due to duck feet effect, tripped and whacked my other foot on the fireplace as I lunged to get balance. Broke my toes as well!

I would borrow socks from family, would ask my mum/sisters but I lived at my grans house growing up and if she wasn't about I'd just nab a pair and tell her when she got home. She wouldn't mind at all and has offered before when I've stayed as I love 200 odd miles away and can't exactly pop home to get anything.

Mumtobenovember · 16/11/2014 23:29

This sounds so creepy- getting angry over a pair of socks?!! Where they lined with gold and woven by angels?

Lweji · 17/11/2014 00:18

Even if he objected to the sock borrowing, all he had to do was ask you not to do it again. End of.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/11/2014 01:15

If he's pissing and moaning about a pair of socks what else will he moan about.

Riverland · 17/11/2014 01:30

Poor bloke is a bit up the creek. Desperately inconsistent, isn't he. He needs therapy.

Riverland · 17/11/2014 01:31

Oh, I forgot to say..ditch him, quick.

Stupidhead · 17/11/2014 03:47

My DP is a bit of a sock nazi. They have to fit right and be perfectly lined up around the heel and toes, he spends longer putting his socks on than he does with the rest of his clothes. It takes him ages to find the perfect pair then he'll buy a few in the same colour.

Saying that, he'd let me wear them if I needed to.

Before we lived together I'd end up going home in one of his prized band tshirts most weekends due to me packing like an 8 yr old girl.

Anyway, I think your bf had more of an issue about you helping yourself to his stuff. A pair of socks, from his sister?!! I also think spending the day talking about living together and Christmas is his way of getting you to forget about sockgate. He sounds like a twat. Sorry.

CariadsDarling · 17/11/2014 04:26

What a wanker, and I hope he's now you're EX again.

Oh, and you were supposed to be really grateful he had given you a second chance even though you think it was decided mutually.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/11/2014 06:37

I think its ok to be precious about your stuff, even socks. Its unattractive, but forgivable.
But he wasn't just precious. He wouldn't let it drop, kept op awake, made spurious excuses about his behaviour and used the "incident" as "reason" for your relationship problems. He sounds like trouble.

WildBillfemale · 17/11/2014 09:13

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back tbh, maybe he's regretting 'giving it another go' either way, is it worth it?

GoatsDoRoam · 17/11/2014 09:37

You will never feel secure in this relationship:

  • It's on-again, off-again
  • Within the space of 24 hours, he goes from questioning whether you should be together, to making plans for the future
  • He is jealous
  • He is controlling

Get out now. I suspect that a combination of loneliness, lust, and your own insecurity are what is keeping you in it. But this relationship will just mess you up: it's not a healthy one.

Please dump him and work on being nice to yourself, and surrounding yourself only with people who can be nice and respectful to you too.

Zazzles007 · 17/11/2014 09:47

Urgh, sockgate... Soon, and in succession, but not necessarily this order, I predict:

  • T-shirt-gate
  • Lunch-gate or dinner-gate
  • Small-change-gate
  • I-don't-wanna-gate
  • Followed by you-can't-make-me-gate

Please dump this arsehole before these predictions come true.

Bricklestick · 17/11/2014 10:56

I'm queen of the unreasonable - I once broke up with a guy after an argument about Stevie Wonder, FFS - and even I think this guy is a dickhead. He's messing with your head, OP, get your shoes (and socks) on, and run.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2014 11:09

If you think this is bad just six months in, imagine how messed up your own head will be after another year of this.

Dump this controlling man and raise your own relationship bar a lot bloody higher than it has been. It being set far too low anyway has allowed this lowlife into your own life.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/11/2014 11:12

Major red flags.

If you stay with him this cycle will continue. He'll be an arse over something, emotionally abuse/control you. Then the following day he will apologise, be lovey dovey and talk of plans for the future.

Do you really want to be with someone like this? Sack him off.

Preciousbane · 17/11/2014 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.