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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sockgate - What would you make of this?

128 replies

pinkandpurplebottle · 16/11/2014 19:08

I recently got back together with my boyfriend, whom I had been dating for about 6 months. We split up about a month ago but decided to give it another go last week.

We have just spent the weekend together. Had a lovely day on Saturday, but by the afternoon I was absolutely shattered having had a very busy and stressful week so decided to have a nap. He was very nice, let me rest and cooked me a nice meal in the evening. I had also been a bit tearful, as had a terrible week at work, lots of stress and I think it all came to the surface in the evening.

Anyway, he popped out to the shops to get some stuff for his meal. I got out of bed and realised I didn't bring a spare pair of socks so went into his sock drawer and put on a pair of his. Later on, when we were sat on the sofa, he noticed that I was wearing his socks. He points it out and tells me to take them off and give them back to him. I just sort of laugh it off but it turns out he was serious. He then gets very huffy about it. I said to him that I didn't realise they were meaningful to him and that I didn't take them off because I thought he was joking when he told me he was upset about me wearing them. I told him that if it was the other way around, i.e. him borrowing a pair of my socks at my house I wouldn't be bothered so that is why I didn't see it as a problem (also he wasn't in to ask at the time). He then says that it touched a nerve with him because he has lost several nice items of clothing to girlfriends who have 'borrowed' things in the past like nice jumpers etc who never gave them back. He said that I was being unreasonable because he had made me dinner and had looked after me all afternoon because I was feeling down and I can't reciprocate by listening to his feelings. When we got to bed he was huffing and puffing about it. I told him I was sorry and could we just leave it. He said things like 'This is the reason why it's not working out between us' and 'I've been a fool' (meaning about us getting back together). I was so tired, I just wanted to get to sleep but he kept wanting us 'talk it out', I felt there wasn't really anything to talk about.

This morning started off as being abit awkward. We managed to make up later but, I don't know, it just seems so petty! I also don't like the idea that I'm not allowed to borrow stuff, it made me feel like a thief or I didn't mean anything to him. I also don't like that he would through in stuff about whether we should be together.

What is going on here? Would other people go all funny about a boyfriend/girlfriend borrowing an item of clothing without asking?

OP posts:
Blowmeonelastkiss · 16/11/2014 19:52

Yes my first thought was he didn't want you rummaging through his drawers. I wouldn't like that either if I was out of the house.

However he did seem to make a big deal if it.

Coconutty · 16/11/2014 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SEH23 · 16/11/2014 19:54

an expensive jumper- ever so slightly understand as you're a fresh couple so may not see the jumper again. but SOCKS?! socks?! really.. you can pick up socks in primark for under a fiver!!!

i wouldn't break up over it, but i think i would be wary that he's not thinking into a long future with you. every lady deserves to be adored.. i just hope he's making you feel that way?!

best wishes x

FabULouse · 16/11/2014 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

amy83firsttimer · 16/11/2014 19:56

How posh were the socks?

Itsfab · 16/11/2014 19:57

Being with someone should be fun, not all this angst over a pair of socks!!!

Get out otherwise he isn't the only "fool" here.

Only1scoop · 16/11/2014 19:59

We're they Harry's of London pure cashmere....?

Or pound stretcher of Scunthorpe pure nylon....?

Itsfab · 16/11/2014 19:59

I was a bit Hmm at his "letting" you rest.

branflakesareboring · 16/11/2014 20:03

Get away. I'm living with an uptight control freak and I don't recommend it Sad

lisej · 16/11/2014 20:04

Are you the lady who split up with this guy a while ago because of his weird, toxic behaviour? Or is that someone else with pink in their user name?

Either way he sounds like a great big arse.

GoldfishCrackers · 16/11/2014 20:05

A break of a month when you're only 6 months in is a bit odd. What was it over?
Being blamed for previous partners' behaviour is not on. Smacks of 'I'm only so possessive because my ex cheated on me...'
And the sock thing is very weird.

pictish · 16/11/2014 20:05

He's a dick. What a palaver over a pair of socks! Even if he does have a bee in his bonnet about past clothing loss, that's not your fault - it's his problem to make his peace with, so he can behave like a rational human being, not your problem to tiptoe around!

Sounds like the type of person who'll use any old crap to create a shit storm.

"This is the reason why it's not working out between us."
Tell him he's absolutely right, and that he's dumped.

PeppermintPasty · 16/11/2014 20:05

Socks away! He's a sockdick.

The cat in the hat? No, the cock in the sock.

He'll tire you out. Sock it to him and bin him.

PeppermintPasty · 16/11/2014 20:06

Ahem, sorry.

pinkandpurplebottle · 16/11/2014 20:06

They were not an expensive looking pair of socks. Marks and spencers maybe? He said they were a present from his sister and that is why they were important to him.

We split up because of his slightly off behaviour in the past. Things like waking me up unnecessarily and being jealous of me going out without him. I know he has many foibles but I guess I thought I could just put them aside and accept them. I know I can be a bit difficult at times too.

He apologised today for being a twat about the socks (his words). He has been talking a lot this afternoon how he would like to spend Christmas with me, and was making plans about what food/decorations we should get, and what presents we wanted from each other. He was saying that he wants us to live together at some point in the future and he loves me and says 'I'm the one' etc. So he is not coming across like he wants to end it, but obviously when he says things like he did last night about us not being right for each other and particularly over something like a pair of socks, it makes me wonder. Other than every now and then (actually quite often) him getting upset about something that I have seemingly done to annoy we get on extremely well. But it is times like the sock incident that make me second guess whether this is the right thing for me to do.

I missed him terribly whilst we were apart. And when we met up last week we got on so well it all seemed so right and I thought, well yes he can be a bit weird sometimes but maybe that is just him.

OP posts:
RedRoom · 16/11/2014 20:09

It's not about the socks, it's about what they seem to represent to him: either privacy or intimacy.

My guess is that he didn't like you going through his drawer when he was out and borrowing personal items- even as stupid as socks- because it indicates you feel more comfort and intimacy than he does. Hence the stupid comment about not getting items back from exes. Something about you wearing his socks and being very familiar with him by going in his drawers has made him see that you feel more comfortable about things going forward than he does.

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 16/11/2014 20:11

This is not about the socks.

This is about something else, the socks were either the last straw after you'd maybe not been grateful enough (in his eyes) for the nap and dinner, or maybe it says something about how he feels about you taking something of his and assuming it would be ok. Ffs don't blow your nose on a piece of his loo roll or throw your rubbish in his bin.

Whatever it is, he sounds bonkers. It's a pair of socks. I'd be tempted to give him a fiver to buy a new pair of socks, as I walked out the door.

pictish · 16/11/2014 20:12

I think he sounds like a pain in the arse.
If you're settling now (and let's face it, that's what you're doing) just imagine how you're going to feel about his disagreeable, overblown, petty sniping a year down the line. You will not be able to put it aside and accept it, he'll drive you crazy and make you miserable!

RaRaSkirtsForever · 16/11/2014 20:15

Am I the only thinking that there was something in the drawer that he did not want OP to see or find?

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 16/11/2014 20:15

just read your second post

do you think he has very specific ideas of how you should be/what you should do, and when you don't live up to them, or differ in your expected behaviour, he can't handle it?

he sounds bonkerser than before

run for the hills
don't forget your socks

overslept · 16/11/2014 20:19

My DP has decimated my sock collection totally. I have about 2 pairs left that match and about 6 that don't match, and I can see him eyeing up those. He takes them without asking, I don't mind and it has become a joke. He's a rather "manly" man, and when out or at relatives he will sometimes sneakily lift the bottom of his jeans to flash me the pink glittery dinosaur socks of mine he has pinched Grin. I wear his clothes all the time around the house and he likes it.

Could it be that he was just stressed about something? If he wants you to live together eventually and doesn't want you wearing his socks you could ask to keep a few spare pairs of socks/pants/toothbrush etc at his house.

Really though for me sockgate would have been a deal breaker, I wouldn't be prepared to go forward with a man who wouldn't even share his socks with me. What else trivial will turn into a disaster later on? What else will he be unwilling to share if you end up living together? I couldn't share my life with somebody who couldn't share a pair of socks. Sounds like too much hard work in the future.

Botanicbaby · 16/11/2014 20:22

"He apologised today for being a twat about the socks (his words). He has been talking a lot this afternoon how he would like to spend Christmas with me, and was making plans about what food/decorations we should get, and what presents we wanted from each other."

wtf? one minute he is saying its not working out between you using the socks as an example then next minute you are 'the one'.

I hope you buy him socks for Christmas if you stay together but personally I'd dump his sorry, petty arse. Talk about a way to ruin a weekend for you. I know its easier said than done but I think he sounds exhausting to be around. All this fuss over borrowing socks.

GoldfishCrackers · 16/11/2014 20:22

You're never going to feel secure in this relationship. So the same weekend that he's talking about future plans and moving in together, he throws threats like 'This is the reason why it's not working out between us' and 'I've been a fool'.
Why do you think he likes to keep you feeling like this? Why does he like holding over you the threat of breaking up?
I'm starting to think he doesn't give a damn about the socks, he jut gets a kick out of playing mind games.
Not letting you sleep because he wants to argue over/dissect an earlier disagreement is a bad bad sign. When you add in that it was over a pair of fucking socks - even worse.
Not letting you go out when you're only dating is a red flag too. Honestly I don't like the sound of him at all.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/11/2014 20:25

I'm a nasty intolerant cock and really really hate people touching my stuff and I have been known to break up with someone over a cup of tea but even I wouldn't do that

DistanceCall · 16/11/2014 20:25

I come from a home where there were no doors. I mean, of course there were doors, but it was as if they didn't exist, as everyone would barge in and out of everyone's rooms without knocking or asking permission. No privacy, no respect for your preferences, being caught masturbating quite often, etc.

As you can imagine, I'm rather prickly about keeping my door shut and having people bloody knock before they come in these days. Perhaps your partner is prickly in this way about his stuff.

However, this is concerning:

Things like waking me up unnecessarily and being jealous of me going out without him

If you decide to stay, you must make sure that he realises that, while you may respect his preferences, going ballistic over such a minor thing is bonkers. And please be on the lookout for paranoid jealousy. You don't want to end up with a controlling git.