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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I tell this woman that the man she is seeing has been seeing me since December?

105 replies

OJLemonade · 14/11/2014 12:06

Just realised I've been cheated on and wondering if I should tell her (via Facebook) that I exist, for her own sake but mostly if I'm honest as revenge (I've seen on her fb that she has been loved up since July - the man and I were on holidays for two weeks in August...)

I'm shell shocked... And v tempted... Would you?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 19:19

I have sent him a text telling him that we should take a break. That's the 5th one this week - I think this time he will accept...

When you break up with someone you don't keep badgering them for a response. You've told him it's over, now leave it. Leave him alone.

FTS123 · 16/11/2014 19:20

OJLemonade yes he does, we both do. If it was me, I really would rather know. I think you're better off out of it, as is she.

CatsCantTwerk · 16/11/2014 19:20

Christ on a bike.

Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:22

Fair enough - I sent many final messages and he's the one who came back each time... We had big arguments these last two weeks, where I told him many things that hopefully will make him think; he also did ask me how he was supposed to guess how I felt - but I don't think it would have made a big difference if I had - it might even have ended things sooner.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 19:22

I have just ended a relationship with a man who played a very similar tactic, and I am "married" (don't anyone start on me) He had a girlfriend. He was hot/cold constantly, love one day, indifference the next. He said he was serious with her, but I sensed she was no more special than me, and that he was playing this game of telling me about her to see if I would confess my feelings, because "you never show your feelings" so very similar. He never spent much time with her and her on a "rota"

I think this nonsense of saying that we don't show our feelings is because its part of the same game. They shut down any sensible communication, they unbalance you and make you doubt things, so you become too anxious to express yourself properly. That is why you allow it and accept it, because its as though you have little choice, accept it or leave, or worse, spill your heart out and wonder if they will simply make that part of some twisted game too.

Get out, I have and I sincerely hope the GF does too. I would FB this other woman and just tell her, give her the choice.

fluffling · 16/11/2014 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 16/11/2014 19:22

It all sounds very teenage and immature.

If you are scared to tell you boyfriend you love them then there is no relationship to spoil.

Only1scoop · 16/11/2014 19:26

I'm even more confused now....Confused

Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:27

Mini that's exactly that...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 19:28

I think this nonsense of saying that we don't show our feelings is because its part of the same game. They shut down any sensible communication, they unbalance you and make you doubt things, so you become too anxious to express yourself properly. That is why you allow it and accept it, because its as though you have little choice, accept it or leave, or worse, spill your heart out and wonder if they will simply make that part of some twisted game too.

Mini only the idiots do that. And if you are seeing someone who you know is cheating on his gf, then you do know that he's an idiot and isn't going to be honest with you.

Doesn't mean that you have to be an idiot too and copy his lies. Make your own decisions and take responsibility for your own choices. Ultimately you will be happier for it. Boiled down it means this - don't take crap from anyone.

Stalequavers · 16/11/2014 19:29

Oh FFS. Drama llama. Seeing some one shouldn't be so angsty.

Please stop putting :- ........ it's really annoying.

MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 19:30

I wouldn't be so harsh on OP, please. I think there is something in this communication business. I think this man has done a number on OP and made her feel anxious that she can't communicate. Is it gaslighting or similar?

Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:33

Are you in the South-East, Mini?

Yes, Fluffing, he confirmed it was her too. He said he doesn't know/ see/cares what she puts on FB. The loved up stuff she puts gets no likes from anyone so she's clearly putting it there like a message in a bottle... but it doesn't matter now as I texted him to end things.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 19:37

Fairenuff, you don't know what led me to this, and he had only met the GF a month before meeting me. It was in no way planned. And yes I knew what I was dealing with.

OJLemonade has he made you doubt yourself so much that you are now so confused about what is really going on ? Its a game, I'm sure. They do this to reel you in whilst keeping a distance for themselves. They can then keep you on a string and watch you dance.

Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 19:39

It doesn't sound like gaslighting to me Mini. OP just isn't being honest with him.

She says the main problem has been that I've never told him how I feel - because I see him as extremely commitment-phobic; and so always told him he was free...

Why tell him that? And why complain when he sees other people because he is 'free' to do so?

MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 19:44

No, I disagree. Maybe its more that you sense a man is commitment-phobic because he wants you to pick this up? and then you are left with no choice but to just keep it light and casual seeming, however much he then says nice things. People give mixed messages and then the other one is left confused. If you want to keep a man who plays these games, you learn to play the game, not prostitute yourself spilling your guts all over the place. Whether or not a man like this is worth keeping, is of course another question!

Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:46

Ok, I'll watch out for annoying punctuation. Hadn't realised I was doing that.

No Mini, he didn't say I had a communication problem, I did. He wouldn't know himself since he has his own very big communication problem.

I feel ok knowing it's over as it had caused me a lot of angst. I did often doubt myself as my rl friends always thought he was ok and I should calm down. They kept on asking me why I wouldn't tell him how I feel, but I think too that deep down I knew he didn't want to hear it. Oh well...

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 16/11/2014 19:46
Confused
Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:47

That's absolutely right, Mini... I was thinking I was dined if I told him I Love You, it really felt like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:48

Damned, not dined...Smile

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 19:49

If you want to keep a man who plays these games, you learn to play the game, not prostitute yourself spilling your guts all over the place.

Firstly, you need to learn that trying to 'keep' a man who plays these games is a very unhealthy attitude to relationships. He should be with you because he wants to be and vice versa. It's not worth trying to hang on to someone who just isn't that into you. Let him go.

Secondly, what the hell does 'prostitute yourself spilling your guts all over the place' mean? Confused

Original poster
OJLemonade · 16/11/2014 19:53

Which means I could have kept it going if I'd carried on playing games.

And I thought that maybe I could, except I was always thinking, what if I said how I feel? Might it really work? He had talked of moving in and had seemed to mean it (for 48hours).

I think I'm infuriating a lot of people on this thread somehow.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 20:00

Lemon, he has made you feel this way. He confuses you and gives off the vibe that he will bolt or doesn't want to plan a future, then tells you that you don't show your feelings. You can't win. All you can do now is decide, either be honest and tell him how you feel and risk being let down, or just run. You could feel better just for telling him how you feel even if he runs off, at least you have been honest and true to yourself. Or, you could take the view that you would prefer to hold your head up and feel you have more dignity saying nothing.

Oh Fair I only used my experience to try and help OP I am not here to talk about me. But suffice to say one egotist commitment- phobe man and perfectionist who is very sensitive is a bad combination. But it was fun, and he was yummy!

MiniTheMinx · 16/11/2014 20:06

What do you mean when you say he spoke of moving in and then only meant it for 48 hrs? What actually happened? What did he say? did you ask him and he denied saying it? How did this play out?

Well, of course you can play them at their own game but its tiresome and no you can't be assured that you win, as with any game. You seem too nice to play silly games.

Fairenuff · 16/11/2014 20:11

I could have kept it going if I'd carried on playing games.

All the time that you (both) are playing games, you are in a fake relationship. No-one is honest, no-one is open about what they want, no-one is willing to say what they need. It's just a very shallow, part time 'relationship' which is not going anywhere.

If you continue to play games, you will continue to find yourself in these types of relationships that either just peter out or carry on in a stop/start way for longer than you want.

OP you need to cut all contact with him and start working on yourself so that you don't keep repeating these mistakes.

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