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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP leaving and "Taking the children"

106 replies

rosdearg · 13/11/2014 21:26

Just need to start this thread to get this out because I am cold and crying and shaking.

He said on the landing "I looked at a flat last week and I am taking the children". He pushed me out of the door of the bedroom, onto the landing, and said that where they could hear me and started crying.

They cried and said "I don't want to go with Daddy"
I had to try to comfort them but I can't say we are staying together.

I don't know what to do. Drinking a cup of tea and shaking.

I need:
A solicitor
A hug

OP posts:
Original poster
rosdearg · 13/11/2014 22:27

"It just seems so horrible of him to throw uprooting them at you has a weapon, with no concern about how they felt about hearing that. "
I know it is bizarre! Who would do that? Who would do that to a person - let them here that they are losing their home, suddenly, as a throw away line just to hurt someone else? Who the fuck woudl do that, to children, who love you more than anything and whom you supposedly love more than anything?

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 13/11/2014 22:27

Honesty is good, really it is.
You need them to be able to trust you and feel secure with you. Particularly if life may become a bit unsettled and therefore frightening for young children for a little while.

And yy to modelling to your DCs what kind of a relationship is acceptable and what is NOT.

dunfightin · 13/11/2014 22:29

Phone police on 101. They won't come round at once if you are not in immediate danger. You probably won't even get to speak to a police office straight away. By ringing, you are setting the ball in motion if need be. You will get a reference number from your call and then they will contact you when they have time. Also call Women's Aid or email them so that they can contact you.
Definitely time for a sickie (there's a lot of bugs around at the moment Wink and you should have time to at least think and prepare yourself for the weekend.

PacificDogwood · 13/11/2014 22:30

Oh, lots and lots of bugs going round here too - v serious ones Wink

Original poster
rosdearg · 13/11/2014 22:31

I can do the police thing tomorrow can't I?

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 13/11/2014 22:36

I dont mean this unkindly OP but stop being so all over the place and focus on what you need to do, you may not be able to tell the kids that everything is going to be rosey at the moment but you can take them to a safe place then decide if your partner is abusive, in that you think he may harm you all. Other than that, calm down and think in a rational manner about the future.

dunfightin · 13/11/2014 22:36

Yes, it's fine in your own time. Why not get ready to go to work, call off and with a fully charged phone spend some time working out a plan over a coffee. Then when P has gone you can get home. If he asks, you turned round on way to work because you felt so rotten. You owe him nothing given his behaviour

losthermind · 13/11/2014 22:37

First of all you need to ring womens aid
Stop thinking about all the bollocks he is splurging and make a plan for you and DC
Fuck making Christmas nice for anyone else but you and your babies
From what I gather he had no rights to treat you in such a manor
He is emotionally abusing you,this is a crime, keep note of all the toxic garbage he is trying to scare you with.
You will be fine, not tomorrow,next week or month but you will turn a corner and wake up and feel as mighty as a lion.
Baby steps are needed and mumsnet to get you through this, but you will I promise hugs

Tinks42 · 13/11/2014 22:38

i lacked a comma there OP, i meant get out get your kids out then decide if you have a feeling he will harm you all. If not take a deep breath and start to plan things.

nochangewanted · 13/11/2014 22:40

Personally I would call ask them if you can log it.. Should anything worse happen you are on the system. You may not be expecting anything more tonight but part of the control and games is about not doing what you expect.

Tell them it may stir things up if they come round at the minute and children are sleeping.

PacificDogwood · 13/11/2014 22:42

Yes, on balance I'd try and speak to them tonight too tbh.

Are the kids asleep?

OutsSelf · 13/11/2014 22:42

Do the police thing tomorrow if you really don't want to do it tonight. But definitely do it.

It does seem like.a weapon and not really a thought through position that he wants to have the children "with him." Again, though, it's not really in his gift to decide, unless he grows up and decided to move into reasonable discussion with you. The fact that he won't is evidence in my eyes that he's actually not really so interested in residency as he is in point scoring.

He can't take them off you by telling lies about you.

Chrissy41 · 13/11/2014 22:44

You certainly do need to log it with Women's Aid and the police - even if no action is taken now, you need to get it noted with professional agencies what he is doing/saying. Having good records will pay dividends in the long run.

blackeyedsusie · 13/11/2014 22:46

report on 101. ask for the dv unit.

talk to the children's school/childminder tomorrow and let them know that the children may be upset as their father told them that he is taking them away.

Original poster
rosdearg · 13/11/2014 22:57

I can't do anything now, my head is pounding and I think I should go to bed.
It is funny because I feel so mixed up. On the one hand I feel so desolate and unloved. On the other hand if I actually think about it, I have felt that way for so long... it is nasty to think how long it is since he did anything actually kind for me. and then how sort of craven I am that I always sort of thought that when I could find the time and energy we could re-build it... how could I think that about someone who showed no sign at all of loving or liking me? And then on some sort of third hand or perhaps a foot, there is a tiny tiny tiny barely perceptible sense of relief that something is moving. Like a creaking of big ice floes locked around my ship. Maybe the ice will move and the my ship will be broken into pieces. But I do not want to be ice locked any more.

OP posts:
JsOtherHalf · 13/11/2014 23:00

Olgaga did a brilliant blog last year. Some of the child maintenance stuff is out of date, but it is still very valuable.

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk

PacificDogwood · 13/11/2014 23:03

Trust your feelings on this - let the ice break and set your ship free.

Hope you get some rest tonight.

Original poster
rosdearg · 13/11/2014 23:06

Good night everyone and thank you so much for everything x

OP posts:
OutsSelf · 13/11/2014 23:07

Relief is an interesting response, I'd say it was pretty telling.

No way round the storm, but this time next year your life will be full of possibility and your obligations will just be with the girls (do enjoy rewriting your Christmas plans).

Hope.you sleep well, good luck tomorrow Thanks

NanaNina · 13/11/2014 23:14

rosedearg so sorry you are going through this. I know people are urging you to go to the police but P hasn't actually committed a crime has he, although he did push you. I do think though it's important to get the issue logged for future reference.

I think the important thing is that you have come to realise that he is controlling you and I think you "ice block" metaphor is excellent. You're obviously a very emotionally literate woman living with someone who is emotionally illiterate - I don't think your ship will be broken into pieces, but it might rock a bit as any break up is going to be painful to some extent. BUT as you say if/when you do separate you won't be ice locked any more, and your ship will flow eventually into calmer waters......

I wouldn't worry about the threat of "taking the kids" - I suspect that is just to hurt you. If you're married (or if you're not and he has Parental Responsibility) you legally have equal rights to the children. But hopefully you will over time be able to come to some agreement about some kind of shared care - what sort of father is he?

If he continues to be a dick and won't make any sensible agreements then the matter will end up in the Family Courts and that's a long drawn out process, and legal aid isn't available, so unless you can afford a lawyer, parents who are in dispute over child care arrangements following separation have to represent themselves, but I'm fast forwarding the tape here.............social workers will be involved if it gets to court and they will be looking at what is in the best interests of the children, so it isn't as simple as him saying "I'm taking the kids.........."

Hope you manage some sleep and I know it's awful just now - this happened to me many years ago when I had 3 under 5s but we came through it, and you will too.

mummytime · 13/11/2014 23:41

To log with the police, all you need to do is to call 101. Just tell them you want it recorded that your Husband pushed you and is threatened to leave with the children. And that you just want this recorded and a marker put on your address/phone number, at present he is calm and no danger, but just in case something starts again.
I would also strongly suggest phoning Women's aid.

Your children are not unaware of what is going on, and will be far happier, safer and more secure when it is dealt with.

mummytime · 13/11/2014 23:42

Oh and he will not be able to take the children away because you have "mental issues". Lots of people have mental health problems and make very good parents - of course abusers do not.

FibonacciSeries · 14/11/2014 05:22

How are you this morning, Ros?

DollyDreamboat · 14/11/2014 07:08

Hope you're ok OP. What a horrible night you must have had.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 14/11/2014 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.