DP leaving and "Taking the children"

[rosdearg]

Just need to start this thread to get this out because I am cold and crying and shaking.

He said on the landing "I looked at a flat last week and I am taking the children". He pushed me out of the door of the bedroom, onto the landing, and said that where they could hear me and started crying.

They cried and said "I don't want to go with Daddy"
I had to try to comfort them but I can't say we are staying together.

I don't know what to do. Drinking a cup of tea and shaking.

I need:
A solicitor
A hug

If you do nothing else, get this incident logged with the police.
Even if you take no further action, please take the opportunity to get this on record.

You poor thing.
MNers are very experienced in talking you though this - sadly there's lots of experience here.

yes he is on the mortgage.

I can't get dd1 out of my head wailing "you said we were going to live here forever!" I did, we moved 3 times in 2 years and it was awful and we bought this place and I said we were never moving. I feel heartbroken.

To be fair I have been feeling that way often recently, remembering times when things seemed hopeful, when we were friends, when I was loved. I knew there wasn't love for me here. I wanted there to be but I could feel there wasn't, really.

Ros - even if you do have a mental health problem (and I'm not saying you do) you are still entitled to have AND look after children. So that is total rubbish. It cannot be used as a reason to remove your DC.

If you are going to separate as a couple then your H needs to stop using your DC as a pawn in some power game or a way to get at you. You need to sit down and Talk about residency and contact.

The parent with whom the children are resident should be the one who is most able to care for them best and ideally should continue their lives with as little disruption as possible.

Stay calm and see that sol tomorrow.

Is there any tiny part of him that you can appeal to, for you both to put the children's welfare first, when you are deciding how to manage childcare in the future?

What about at home R is, is he the bather, and fixer of food? How much does he do at the weekend?

Hugs here.

I'm so angry for you. I agree very strongly with pacific you should log this.

And I agree that you are absolutely entitled to be ill (because that's what it would be) and look after the children.

Saying you have mental health problems and unfit is very classic abusive behaviour. It is a script the police are well aware of.

Pacific, how can I log it without them coming round and disturbing dcs?

Will he be forcing you to move by leaving?

Sorry for my clumsy "move anywhere" quote, I was being stupid.

Even if you don't call the police can you go and talk to someone At the station tomorrow? Also speak to solicitor. Be honest about last time and your concerns about what will happen. That lessens the need to stomp about or frighten the children.
I am giving you a big hug. My mum finally got shot of my father who was a similar bully after 30 years marriage. I wish she has done it sooner as we were subjected to his nasty rants.
You have to do something. Dig deep.

" You need to sit down and Talk about residency and contact." Yes, I know. I have tried to do this before, or if not quite so decidedly: can we fix this? or can we end it nicely? can we at least talk? I know he won't.

"Is there any tiny part of him that you can appeal to, for you both to put the children's welfare first, when you are deciding how to manage childcare in the future?" I wish. I find it very upsetting that he can't manage to do this, he must loathe me so much.

He doesn't do more than me at the weekend, recently (2 or 3 weeks ago) I was so knackered that I started getting him to nominate one weekend day only for a lie in and taking the other one (this is one of the things he is very resentful of at the moment). During the weekday I am very sad to say I am hardly here Mon = thur. Fri I do all day, school runs

Afaik, you can log this with a DV officer - this may vary from area to area, sorry.
Phone the non-emergency number and find out?

You and your DCs will not be forced to move - he will. Your DC have every right to remain where they have been settled.

MH problems are absolutely NOT a reason to lose parental rights - what bullying rubbish!

I would also call the police and log it. Say he's threatening to take your children away from your home.

If there is going to be a split, do not leave/stay away from the house unless you are in physical danger. (I don't mean to the shops, I mean setting yourself up somewhere else and staying for a while).

Presumably, you want this all to have minimum disruption to your children (and so will the courts) so make sure not much changes apart from you organising other childcare. I know it is a PITA but over the next few weeks and maybe months and maybe longer term, you will have to think about this. Don't stick your head in the sand.

You poor, poor thing. Has he always been like this? Is he emotionally distracted by something else?

Yes, I can't stay here by myself (in answer to Outs). We both work full time, both pay the bills.
I might have a look at some financial scenarios... tomorrow. too tired and sick now. but basically we both earn, we both pay, we usually have little money left every month so the only way I see this working is two much smaller places.

Do you have to go to work tomorrow? I mean, is somebody going to die or your company going to collapse if you don't?
Don't mean to be facetious but it sounds like you have been working so hard that there's been little time and opportunity to stop and plan strategy.
You need legal advice.
And a hug - {{{{here}}}}

Echo PPs who say that most of the time threats to remove your children are exactly what the twunts DON'T do. I'd lay cash money that the flat he's found is a bachelor pad, maybe complete with OW. Sorry. These things that happen "suddenly" (clearly with loads of planning behind it) tend to be cheating-based.

And ring Women's Aid TONIGHT - from all I've observed, they don't necessarily pick up the phone in the first instance, anyway, but if you leave a message and a secure way for them to ring back, they will, and hopefully that will be in time for tomorrow morning, after school-run.

And here's a hug. And some

Stay strong!

Don't get ahead of yourself.
Stop and breathe.
Get information and expert advice in RL.
Plan.

The children's best interest are going to be paramount should it come to any kind of court involvement.

Chuck a sickie tomorrow. If necessary pretend to go to work but don't. Come home when everyone has left. Contact the police and log it, speak to women's aid too. Then, try to see if you can get some alternative childcare in place.
No 'man' threatens to take away children.
Just remember, he can throw all the shit at you he likes, it doesn't mean it's true, or that people can't see through it.
Good luck.

I could probably take a day off but I mean I can't be elsewhere in any medium term way.

Exactly, the children's best interests. It's not really up to him where they live. It would just be nice if you could find a soothing truth for the children, about the family home.

It really seems sensible to get this incident logged.

He's already looking at alternative accommodation. Therefore I'd let him go ahead with moving out and sit tight in your home with the DC. Ultimately it may end up with both of you moving, but this is a decision to make in the future once you have had proper legal advice.

It sounds like he doesn't really want full custody - if he's struggling with only one lie-in at the weekend, he's not likely to want to have the children all the time.

No, don't move out.
Take the day off, contact a solicitor, change the locks, pack his bags.
Have the police ready for when he return.

Then drink more sugary tea.

Honestly, is there a way you could take the initiative back?

What I mean is, the fact that they'll always have a home with you, always. That sort of soothing truth. It just seems so horrible of him to throw uprooting them at you has a weapon, with no concern about how they felt about hearing that. And it would be nice if you could have that home in the house you're currently in.

However, not so nice that you need to spend another ounce of energy recovering a marriage that you wouldn't wish on your daughters.

Whatever happens to the house, or wherever you move, the girls will survive, and you will.create a home that truly is stable.and full of love. And you will be doing them a massive favour r long term, as you'll be modelling for them that they never need accept threats or.insults, or basic indifference, in their partner.

I actually think that the best interests of the children is some civilised shared custody where they get to take advantage of his shorter days some days but also have time with me especially when I work from home - I might ask to work from home more or drop a day ... I think he sees it as being a glorious victory if they get to live with him though and will be a dick about it.

I hate the thought of all the hurt they will suffer because of this.

It took me ages to realise how important it was to him to dominate me. Once you realise that everything makes sense.

Thank you Outs. I really appreciate all that so much
I was so taken by surprise this evening that I told the truth. I said I didn't know what Daddy was going to do because I hadn't heard him say that before and he didn't talk to me about it. I said I can't make him do things, I can't make other people do things, and I can't make him do what they want him to do. but I promise always to love you and look after you and keep you safe and I will always love you and everything will be ok. I told them I would always tell them the truth