What does this say about a person, how they see their relationship and really feel about DH.

[MyBrothersKeeper]

A GF has been on pill for years with no issues or baby scares. About a year after marriage, the now DW announces she’s pregnant with ‘no idea’ how it happened (starting a family hadn’t been discussed with DH). She wasn’t ill or on other medication. No question here of parentage child is defo his. However, GF cheated with OM when dating BF but denied it to him (but it did happen!!).

So, she got pregnant on purpose to try and cement relationship/trap DH, knowing that the truth about cheating would eventually come out and worried he’d be off???? Thoughts anyone.

I take the point about standing back and allowing someone to marry without telling them that their future spouse has been unfaithful, but even that is fraught with hazards and could easily lead to huge repercussions in itself.

Unfortunately, the DH here does have to sort it out for himself, but there is nothing to stop you or others giving as much support as he needs. Think what you like about the DW, but don't actively interfere.

Oh, for the love of god and all things holy, don't get involved.

Just trying to work out whos who is giving me a headache. The only reason why anyone would get involved in this bollocks is for the drama.

Step back and get on with your own life, they are all old enough to deal it on their own.

It doesn't really matter who you are or how much your brother knew about the wife. Either he stays in an unhappy marriage with his children and you are there for him and let him know that you support him or he leaves her and you are there to support him. You can't do anything about her motivations, she is already pregnant.

Im another one who would have guessed you were a friend who fancied the husband. I have a friend like this who is incredibly vitriolic about her bosses wife, even though she has not met her and says the wife trapped him into THREE pregnancies- well, one is careless, but more fool him if he can't take responsibility in an unhappy marriage to make sure it doesn't happen again.

What your posts tell me about the women are: went from an unhappy family to a not very good relationship, she cheated and lied about it in the past. As a result she is having her FB searches monitored years later and suspicions raised about what should be a happy accident (because your brother has a friend that cheated in a totally unrelated incident).

I don't think she jumped on your brother to escape an unhappy family, she's hardly being welcomed into the Waltons with open arms is she.

Sounds like two miserable people stuck together with family and friends not giving them any sort of chance to stop and think.

Slightly ironic that so many people say don't get involved. Isn't that what MN does so well; gets people involved with other people issues??

Oh dear.

The thing is OP you had your chance to speak up but you didn't. Let it lie. Don't give it any more head space. It's his life.

Well, I would say that if the love is gone on the part of your brother, it is time for them to split up. If he still loves her they should stay together and work on it.

And if you don't fancy your brother's wife, all the better.

If a person gets pregnant deliberately without discussing it with the man prior, I think that's quite a horrific thing to do

Norwayspruce replied:

'If a man can't take equal responsibility for contraception, he can't really play at being horrified.'

There is no such thing as 'equal' responsibility though, is there? At some point one of you has to put your trust in the other to use the method you both agreed on and to use it properly/honestly. Genuine accidents will happen from time to time but there is also scope for deception.

She's on the pill and married. How many people who are in long term relationships continue to insist on condom use every time, knowing full well that the woman is also using some other long term form of contraception?

I asked this question on here once (as a direct response to this sort of comment I highlighted above.) I asked how women would feel, if their DPs thought about the view that they have no right to feel hard done by if the woman's BC failed, or was not not taken properly, and decided to take more personal responsibility.

How would they feel if their men suddenly announced that they would not have sex without a condom from now on, in the full knowledge that their wife/partner was on the pill/coil/implant or whatever.

The resounding response was one of horror, cynicism, irritation and bewilderment. The arguments put forward were that it was is was unnecessary and pointless, that women hated using condoms as much as men did, they could not fully enjoy sex or feel 'close' enough, that they would feel their DP didn't trust them to take their pill or that he was probably screwing around and may be concerned about STDs.

It was even suggested that it was a form of abuse/control because he and only he could decide whether/when she could get PG or not, and that decision should always be the prerogative of the woman.

If you make a decision together as a couple that your joint form of contraception should be the pill or anything that the woman is responsible for using/taking, then it's still joint BC and a decision taken together, as far as I'm concerned, in jus the same way that if you may use only condoms but it doesn't mean that as a woman you are being irresponsible and taking absolutely no responsibility making sure BC is used, just that you are not the one personally using it. But as I said, there is no such thing as 'equal' responsibility.

If a man stood over his wife every day and insisted on watching her take the pill all hell would break loose on here. an element of trust is essential, even if that can sometimes be your undoing.

sorry that middle paragraph was a bit garbled but you get the idea.

You have a point Hello, but the fact is that no contraception is a 100% perfect. Where is the proof that the DW deliberately got pregnant?

MNers get involved in other people's situations when those people post asking for help. If your DB asks for intervention then yes, give it, but there is a big difference between that and getting involved uninvited just because you think he needs it.

Helloitsme, the point is the man is putting his faith in the woman AND the contraception. If the pill fails the man has no more right to be pissed off than the woman about the resulting pregnancy and has to accept his responsibility.

If someone deceives someone by failing to mention they've come off the pill, that's despicable, the man has every right to be pissed off at the betrayal of trust BUT he can't exactly be pissed off at the pregnancy, as he's absolutely absolved himself of responsibility to prevent it.

If a man feels so strongly about preventing a pregnancy he can have a vasectomy or wear a condom.

HTH

Hello - But if a man is adamant that he doesn't want children he should have that conversation with his partner. He should say I know the pill can fail (especially the DH in this instance as it has happened once) so I think I should have a vasectomy or use condoms as well. He can't just do nothing, not have the conversation and then cry entrapment and be all suspicious when it happens again.

If a man is adamant he doesn't want kids then he needs to take control of the contraception. Regardless of whether the warm hole he's poking it into says it's protected from pregnancy.

Op butt out of your brothers marriage and let him sort it out for himself.

I know someone who got pregnant on the pill, thanks to taking cold/cough remedies
Diarrhoea and vomiting also stop it working

I look at ex's on FB but I am not having an affair. Helpful?

I think most of us have a neb at those people who we wouldn't want to see again. It's pure nosiness, especially if their privacy settings are low.

I feel a bit guilty too because it was our other brother who found out about her seeing OM on side, but his then GF (her sister was mates with DW and was also shagging OMs mate) bullied him into not telling all he knew to DH brother. My poor DH brother begged my arse of a bro to help him out and talk about it, but he refused.Thinking about it, I cant believe we ALL (other bro, his then GF, her sister and their parents) watched my poor DH brother get married under such circumstances

If not Norfolk maybe Wick?

OP, you stood back and allowed your brother to marry this woman without telling him what you knew. The damage is done now and there are children involved. Stay out of it and let your DB decide how he handles it. Sure you can support him, it sounds like he's in a difficult situation, but you can support him without feeding his mistrust through speculation. I doubt either of you will ever know how these babies came to be, so he must make his decisions based on the facts at hand.

He can cry foul over the babies all he likes, but if he didn't want them he should have made damn sure they didn't happen.

Who knows what they think about each other.

What your posts suggest about you though is that you haven't been loyal to your brother in the past, and you quite clearly don't like his wife.

Since neither of these makes you impartial, any advice you give him now is biased.

But you seem intent on looking for drama and casting yourself as a amateur sleuth/relationship counsellor/first class shit-stirrer which since there are two children involved, makes you a bit of a dickhead really.