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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hobby turning to violent obsession

92 replies

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:10

I have been married for just over a year, I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I love my husband and he treats me and the kids great, we have holidays, have a nice house and mostly everything is good. In the evenings my husband teaches kickboxing to adults and teaches kids at the weekend. A few (about 8) months ago I expressed a curiosity about taking it up, he had been teaching my kids bits and pieces and I wanted to lose weight and thought it would be a good way to start, he was delighted and kept going on about it asking when I was going to start etc. I kept putting it off for various reasons as I do with most things like this but he got more and more angry with me over it and it became his 'mission' to get me to a class. I eventually agreed to go one evening and whilst I enjoyed the class I told him that I probably wouldnt make a habit of going as I found it too tiring and didn't really 'fit in' with the rest of them (nobody talked to me!). He was furious and we had a massive row over it, he wouldnt just let it go and I became angry and confused as to why it really mattered if I went or not, it was HIS hobby, not mine.
I reluctantly agreed to go a few more times to keep the peace and he became obsessive over it, went nuts if I tried to get out of going and started to insist on me going 3/4 nights a week, I was exhausted but he laid the guilt trip on telling me I was showing the kids how to just give up on things. We have had row after row about it, on a couple of occasions he has physically dragged me to the front door and threatened me to get into the car and stop being lazy. I am starting to feel depressed about it, I hate it and spend all day every day trying to think of excuses as to why I can't go, it is made worse by the fact that he forces me to go through routines with him at home too, when the kids are in bed he decides we have to 'practice', this gives him an excuse to hit and kick me before going nuts because I'm not defending myself properly, the kids have walked in on this before and were terrified when they saw him backing me into a corner hitting me in the head and face screaming at me to 'use my defenses'. He never hits me full force so it's not as if he's beating me up but he does hurt. I'm so sick of the whole thing I feel like walking out, he says I'm disrespecting his passion but I don't mean to, I just want it to go back to the way it was where he does it himself and I don't have any part in it, before all this started he was fantastic, now he's aggressive and moody all the time.

I don't know how to handle this anymore, I tried going to keep him happy but he pushed it by bringing the training home too, nothing I do makes him happy.

Sorry for the name change.

OP posts:
cowmod · 05/10/2006 16:13

you knwo the answer dont you

WelshBOOris · 05/10/2006 16:14

its not kickboxing its domestic violence

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:15

That's the thing, I don't.

The rest of our life together is great, can I really walk out just because I don't like his hobby? this stupid kickboxing thing is the ONLY problem we have, that's what makes the whole thing so upsetting

OP posts:
nutcracker · 05/10/2006 16:16

No that is very wrong, he sounds awful.

cowmod · 05/10/2006 16:16

on a couple of occasions he has physically dragged me to the front door and threatened me to get into the car and stop being lazy. I am starting to feel depressed about it, I hate it and spend all day every day trying to think of excuses as to why I can't go, it is made worse by the fact that he forces me to go through routines with him at home too, when the kids are in bed he decides we have to 'practice', this gives him an excuse to hit and kick me before going nuts because I'm not defending myself properly, the kids have walked in on this before and were terrified when they saw him backing me into a corner hitting me in the head and face screaming at me to 'use my defenses'. He never hits me full force so it's not as if he's beating me up but he does hurt. I'm so sick of the whole thing I feel like walking out, he says I'm disrespecting his passion but I don't mean to, I just want it to go back to the way it was where he does it himself and I don't have any part in it, before all this started he was fantastic, now he's aggressive and moody all the time.

NO HE IS A FREAK

cowmod · 05/10/2006 16:16

HE DOESNT LOVE YOU OR RESPECT YOU

nailpolish · 05/10/2006 16:17

your husband is violent
your children have already witnessed this
do what you have to do for their sake

nutcracker · 05/10/2006 16:17

It's not just cos you don't like his hobby, you'd be walking out because he beats the crap out of you.

Blandmum · 05/10/2006 16:17

he is abusing you. What else can it be? It is dressed up as something else but he is phsycally and mentally abusing you

nailpolish · 05/10/2006 16:17

your children cannot leave themselves

you have to leave and take them with you

being a mother means putting them before yourself

MotherBeaker · 05/10/2006 16:18

Hi cresta, very sorry to hear about what you are going through . You say that he doesn't beat you up because he doesn't use his full force but I disagree, he is beating you up, particularly if it hurts. I don't have any experience with this type of thing, but maybe you should consider removing yourself and children to a relatives/friends/safe house as it only looks like it is getting worse. You shouldn't have to go through this. Hope you are okay....

DracsTroubleAndStrife · 05/10/2006 16:18

You need to get away or get him away from you and the kids

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/10/2006 16:18

do you really think the way he's behaving is his "hobby"?

IMO it falls somewhere between aggressive bullying and domestic violence. Hobby are pastimes that you enjoy.

Take up embroidery and tell him you will spend as much time practicing his hobby as he does your's.

nutcracker · 05/10/2006 16:19

I know someone that teaches martial arts and they would not condone what he is doing at all, so it is not part of his hobby, he is not like it because he teachers it, he is like it because he is a bully.

QueenEvil · 05/10/2006 16:19

Is he taking any drugs to "enhance" his performance? With the moodiness it might be a possibility?

If not (not that that is an excuse) he is using this as a cover to give you a good beating - him saying it's to "get you to use your defences" is bollocks.

Yes is the answer - you can leave him over this, it's not a hobby, like Welshy said, it's domestic violence, end of.

oops · 05/10/2006 16:19

Message withdrawn

HappyDaddy · 05/10/2006 16:20

His hobby has changed from teaching kickboxing to kicking the sh*t out of you in front of the kids.

Lovely guy.

Blandmum · 05/10/2006 16:20

My kids do karate. Their instructor insists that it is all about self control and self dicipline not lashing out at people.

The kickboxing thing is a crappy excuse. He is hitting you because he wants to

WigWamBam · 05/10/2006 16:20

You don't have to walk out because you don't like his hobby. But this isn't about his hobby, it's about his controlling behaviour and his violence.

He has physically dragged you when you don't want to go, he kicks and punches you, your kids have seen him backing you into a corner hitting you in the head and face screaming at you - this is domestic violence, plain and simple.

I can't help but wonder if he's taking drugs - his behaviour sounds very much as if he may be.

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/10/2006 16:21

oops "does he take steroids?"

I wondered exactly the same thing...

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:21

My hobby is papercraft, scrapbooking and card making, photography etc. He says he will destroy my things if I continue to wreck his hobby. I have tried talking to him about it, I told him how upset I was and that I was beginning to fear him, he seemed as if he had listened and said "ok, it stops here, you do your thing and Ill do mine..." we made up but a few days later he asked me to come along to one of his classes just as a one off and when I said I was busy he hit the roof and it all started again but worse.

OP posts:
cowmod · 05/10/2006 16:22

you knwo this is wroong
leave him now

WigWamBam · 05/10/2006 16:23

Surely you can't think this is reasonable behaviour? Wanting to wreck your hobby because you don't want to take up his? More controlling behaviour.

Iklboo · 05/10/2006 16:24

He's not taking steroids is he?? This sounds quite a lot like roid rage

nutcracker · 05/10/2006 16:24

How old are your kids ?? What will you do if he starts insisting they go to classes and he starts bullying them ??