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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hobby turning to violent obsession

92 replies

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:10

I have been married for just over a year, I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I love my husband and he treats me and the kids great, we have holidays, have a nice house and mostly everything is good. In the evenings my husband teaches kickboxing to adults and teaches kids at the weekend. A few (about 8) months ago I expressed a curiosity about taking it up, he had been teaching my kids bits and pieces and I wanted to lose weight and thought it would be a good way to start, he was delighted and kept going on about it asking when I was going to start etc. I kept putting it off for various reasons as I do with most things like this but he got more and more angry with me over it and it became his 'mission' to get me to a class. I eventually agreed to go one evening and whilst I enjoyed the class I told him that I probably wouldnt make a habit of going as I found it too tiring and didn't really 'fit in' with the rest of them (nobody talked to me!). He was furious and we had a massive row over it, he wouldnt just let it go and I became angry and confused as to why it really mattered if I went or not, it was HIS hobby, not mine.
I reluctantly agreed to go a few more times to keep the peace and he became obsessive over it, went nuts if I tried to get out of going and started to insist on me going 3/4 nights a week, I was exhausted but he laid the guilt trip on telling me I was showing the kids how to just give up on things. We have had row after row about it, on a couple of occasions he has physically dragged me to the front door and threatened me to get into the car and stop being lazy. I am starting to feel depressed about it, I hate it and spend all day every day trying to think of excuses as to why I can't go, it is made worse by the fact that he forces me to go through routines with him at home too, when the kids are in bed he decides we have to 'practice', this gives him an excuse to hit and kick me before going nuts because I'm not defending myself properly, the kids have walked in on this before and were terrified when they saw him backing me into a corner hitting me in the head and face screaming at me to 'use my defenses'. He never hits me full force so it's not as if he's beating me up but he does hurt. I'm so sick of the whole thing I feel like walking out, he says I'm disrespecting his passion but I don't mean to, I just want it to go back to the way it was where he does it himself and I don't have any part in it, before all this started he was fantastic, now he's aggressive and moody all the time.

I don't know how to handle this anymore, I tried going to keep him happy but he pushed it by bringing the training home too, nothing I do makes him happy.

Sorry for the name change.

OP posts:
foulmoonfiend · 05/10/2006 19:40

just to reassure you (and anyone else reading who may need to know this ) you can visit the Women's Aid website and it will tell you how to delete it from your internet history....so noone at home will know you've been looking at it.

No-one will make you do anything you don't want to - WA are probably the best people to talk to at the moment I reckon.

HauntedsandCastle · 06/10/2006 00:00

Tbh, it sounds like very extreme behaviour toward you just because you don't want to join in his hobby. I think there may be more to it than he is letting on. If he is normally placid why react so agressively just because of this? Has he been taking any thing to help him "perform" at his hobby. Steroids etc?

fwiw, ""He never hits me full force so it's not as if he's beating me up but he does hurt"" this is more than 'practicing' you are obviously scared and frightened, and imo, he IS beating you up! Sorry!

edam · 06/10/2006 00:06

Mercy, just something someone told me once which has stayed with me. Don't know what the 'right' things to say are. But really hope Cresta does pick up the phone to Women's Aid.

batters · 06/10/2006 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummyscaryhouseonthehill · 06/10/2006 07:19

I also hope you come bacl to this thread cresta as I have also been thinking of you.

The advice to leave may seem harsh to you but please PHONE WOMENS AID OR VISIT THEIR WEBSITE to get their perspective.

MOST IMPORTANTLY THOUGH REMEMBER THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE IS BEHAVING IN THIS MANNER.

cresta · 06/10/2006 14:20

Hi, thanks for all the msgs of support and advice, I couldnt get back on line last night as we ended up back at the gym and then stayed after the class had finished to tidy up.

He has never really been 'placid' as such, but he seems to be a completely different person when it comes to his KB than he is when we're doing or talking about something else.

Thanks for the links, I don't feel like I want to leave just yet, the kids would be gutted as they think he's great and I think we can work through this, if only we can get through the KB stuff. Im trying to think of what I can say to him to make him realise what he is doing to me.

I don't know if he takes anything to help his performance but I wouldnt be suprised tbh, I know he has takem anthetamine but I'm not sure if he still does.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/10/2006 14:51

Cresta,

Did you phone Womens Aid?. At the very least I would urge you to talk with them to work through your own feelings. You need a back up plan of escape.

You may feel that you can somehow work through this (how exactly, he does not seem the type of person who will readily listen but is all too ready to use his fists in an argument) but you're walking on eggshells. He seemingly does not want to budge his opinion regarding the kickboxing. Controlling men are often angry; this man is certainly angry. His anger is now being taken out on you.

I am sorry to say this because this will seem harsh to you but your children cannot choose to ignore what is happening around them. Your children are in all likelihood afraid of their Dad and wonder what on earth he is doing to their Mummy, someone whom they also love very much. Answer yourself this question - is this really a good atmosphere in which to bring up your children?. What if he puts you in hospital?. Damaging lessons are being imparted here.

He has never been placid most certainly. You have yourself stated that he was arrested last year for assaulting someone.

Many abused women do find it very hard to leave for good. Again Womens Aid can talk you through this.

divastrop · 06/10/2006 20:56

cresta-read what some ppl have said on here about martial arts being about respect etc and take note of it,then chose a calm moment to talk to him about the fact u dont want to do it.
i do agree with everyone who says he is a violent bully but i can also see u love him and dont want to believe that,and u will have to try and change the current situation and see what happens.be assertive.and laso look for evidence of drug use,cos evn amphetamine use can result in violent and aggressive behaviour over time or if u use too much.

Mercy · 06/10/2006 21:03

Cresta, I was thinking about you today. Please take a look at the Women's Aid site and see what you think.

Keep in touch (we mean well even if we seem rather bossy!)

Tyedye · 06/10/2006 21:12

Message withdrawn

mummyscaryhouseonthehill · 07/10/2006 01:02

Thinking of you Cresta.

BudaBeast · 07/10/2006 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

batters · 07/10/2006 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

divastrop · 07/10/2006 11:12

how are you today cresta?

Judy1234 · 07/10/2006 11:20

You need to present him with an ultimatum (assuming you could bear not to be with him) that either he goes to counselling for aggression management or he leaves you all.

BATtymumma · 07/10/2006 11:22

i have only skim read the replies you have had but i think the fact it is pretty much uninimous is quite telling.

He probably doesn't realise just what he is doing. i think you need to sit down and discuss with him the fact that whilst you enjoy being with him and your happy to be supportive of his hobby, it is HIS hobby and not yours.
you tried it but it just wasn't for you.

you need to inform him that when he "practices" he is actually hurting you and this needs to stop.

I am trying to be as positive as i can be but he does sound incredibly controlling and the fact that he has threatened you and "dragged" you to the car does worry me.

you clealry have much love for this man and this is causing you to try and find reasons for his behaviour...don't beat yourself up over that, we all do. no one ever leaves their husband the first time he is violant or agressive...because often they don't realise whats happening until they are black and blue or in hospital.

The girls on here have offered you good advice, i know its very difficult to look someone you love and see them as anything but loving and caring but your children have already been scared by his behaviour.

I have been through DV and the whole leaving and refuge thing so if you would like any help at all please feel free to contact me at
[email protected]

hatoff · 07/10/2006 11:28

Sorry but I am shocked. Kids always think a parent is great no matter what they do. It doesn't mean they are happy or can really cope. One of you has to do what is best for them and that seems to be down to you. Please do what you know is really really the right thing to do because I am shocked by this and you yourself have said you don't know how to handle this. There are so many people who can and will help you if you only give them the chance. Hope you and your children are ok. Please do something. The right thing. If only our messages could give you the strength you need

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