Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hobby turning to violent obsession

92 replies

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:10

I have been married for just over a year, I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I love my husband and he treats me and the kids great, we have holidays, have a nice house and mostly everything is good. In the evenings my husband teaches kickboxing to adults and teaches kids at the weekend. A few (about 8) months ago I expressed a curiosity about taking it up, he had been teaching my kids bits and pieces and I wanted to lose weight and thought it would be a good way to start, he was delighted and kept going on about it asking when I was going to start etc. I kept putting it off for various reasons as I do with most things like this but he got more and more angry with me over it and it became his 'mission' to get me to a class. I eventually agreed to go one evening and whilst I enjoyed the class I told him that I probably wouldnt make a habit of going as I found it too tiring and didn't really 'fit in' with the rest of them (nobody talked to me!). He was furious and we had a massive row over it, he wouldnt just let it go and I became angry and confused as to why it really mattered if I went or not, it was HIS hobby, not mine.
I reluctantly agreed to go a few more times to keep the peace and he became obsessive over it, went nuts if I tried to get out of going and started to insist on me going 3/4 nights a week, I was exhausted but he laid the guilt trip on telling me I was showing the kids how to just give up on things. We have had row after row about it, on a couple of occasions he has physically dragged me to the front door and threatened me to get into the car and stop being lazy. I am starting to feel depressed about it, I hate it and spend all day every day trying to think of excuses as to why I can't go, it is made worse by the fact that he forces me to go through routines with him at home too, when the kids are in bed he decides we have to 'practice', this gives him an excuse to hit and kick me before going nuts because I'm not defending myself properly, the kids have walked in on this before and were terrified when they saw him backing me into a corner hitting me in the head and face screaming at me to 'use my defenses'. He never hits me full force so it's not as if he's beating me up but he does hurt. I'm so sick of the whole thing I feel like walking out, he says I'm disrespecting his passion but I don't mean to, I just want it to go back to the way it was where he does it himself and I don't have any part in it, before all this started he was fantastic, now he's aggressive and moody all the time.

I don't know how to handle this anymore, I tried going to keep him happy but he pushed it by bringing the training home too, nothing I do makes him happy.

Sorry for the name change.

OP posts:
Olihan · 05/10/2006 16:24

From an outsider's POV it seems like more than not liking his hobby from what you've written. He's threatening you to make you go, shouting at you, bullying you, then using 'practising' as an excuse to hit you. My alarm bells are ringing as are a lot of other people's I would think.

Could you sit him down calmly and tell hijm you're not happy doing it and you are not going any more, end of story? What do you think he would do? Would he accept that his behaviour frightens you and that it is not what you want from him? Either that, or tell him that he either stops doing this to you, or you will leave? He may then be able to see what his 'passion' is doing to your marriage.

I'm sorry I don't have any proper advice for you.

Iklboo · 05/10/2006 16:25

Sorry - x posts!

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:25

It;s not just me he's aggressive with either, he was arrested last year for assault on a man in a nightclub and he has recently being barred from his local, he has also being disqualified from ring fights on many occasions.

I don't want to leave him, I just want him to understand that some people like different things, it doesnt mean I respect him any less.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 05/10/2006 16:27

He will never change.

He will never accept that you are a person in your own right , and that you have a right not to be bullied and abused

nailpolish · 05/10/2006 16:27

o fcourse you dont WANT to leave him

but you have to for the sake of your children, fgs

QueenEvil · 05/10/2006 16:27

cresta - this man does not deserve your respect if he behaves in this way.

doggiesayswoof · 05/10/2006 16:28

Agree with others - this is domestic violence, very poorly disguised as a 'hobby'. Can you talk to him about it or does he just get angry? Is there any communication between you? Cos IMO you need to tell him straight that you want no further part in it - but it sounds like you've tried this already Whether or not he's taking steroids (and it sounds very possible) I would say this needs to stop or you should end the relationship.

HappyDaddy · 05/10/2006 16:29

Unfortunately, if you keep on letting him do this to you he won't change. It may even get worse.

He's a violent bully and he knows it.

bluejelly · 05/10/2006 16:30

He is a controlling bully sorry. What kind of person suggests destroying your craft work if you don't fit in with what he wants?
So sorry, but you do not have to put up with this.

Mercy · 05/10/2006 16:30

Why don't you want to leave him?

Agree with cod and others, you must leave and as a matter of urgency.

(I could tell you what happened to my mum's friend if you want)

Blandmum · 05/10/2006 16:32

I have a cousin who was married to a bloke like this. The violence escalated untill he half throttled her, in front of her 6 year old dd. That was the point that she realised that he would never change, no matter how many times he said he would.

doggiesayswoof · 05/10/2006 16:32

I really don't think this is about him wanting you to like kickboxing. I think it's about him having what he sees as a justification for using you as a punchbag and trying to control you.

CheesyFeetcomingtoGETyou · 05/10/2006 16:33

This isn't just a hobby though is is? He is using it to bully you both verbally and physically. It is upsetting your children.

It sounds to me as though you have tried discussing it in a logical fashion and got nowhere. I would get out if I were you. Do you have anywhere you can go?

Blandmum · 05/10/2006 16:34

and this isn't 'just' upsetting the kids. This is teaching them that it is OK to beat the crap out of your partner. Is that what you want them to learn?

edam · 05/10/2006 16:44

There's no chance of going back to where you were before this obsession with attacking you started, I'm afraid. He's a violent thug - to you and others - and a controlling bully.

Please call Refuge or Women's Aid, or your local council's domestic violence helpline and get help. You and your children deserve so much better.

Sadly if violent men get away with it the violence tends to escalate. One day, if this carries on, your children could be left without a mother. Please leave or throw him out before it's too late.

Alibaldi · 05/10/2006 16:55

cresta you have to leave this man before he ends up putting your and/or the children in hospital. I know you love him, otherwise you wouldn't still be there, but please listen to what we're all telling you. This cannot go on, the man is an abuser and if he's already been arrested for gbh, where's it going to stop. Pack, leave your luggage with a trusted friend. Withdraw money and go now. Reading your post I got very very scared. This man sounds like he will stop at nothing to get his own way.

Mercy · 05/10/2006 16:57

Totally agree with your last sentence edam. My mum's friend is now dead. The violence escalated over a period of 15-20 years and now she's dead.

Sorry if we sound harsh cresta but we are thinking of you and your children.

YeahBat · 05/10/2006 17:01

OK.....
This man wants you to do exactly as he says.
When you don't, he becomes physically, verbally and emotionally abusive.
He makes no effort to control his behaviour in front of the children.
He threatens to destroy the things you do enjoy doing.

He is NOT fantastic, he is an abuser.
Get your stuff together, get all your important documentation (passports, birth certs, bank details) for you and the kids and get out now. Ring Refuge or Women's Aid. Your local police station should also have a domestic violence unit than can give you advice.

marthamoo · 05/10/2006 17:06

This is not about not sharing the same hobbies.

You say you've been married just over a year - how long had you known him before that? Before this kick-boxing stuff had he shown any signs of being violent and controlling?

I agree with everyone else though - you need to get out of this relationship before he really hurts you.

DumbledoresGirl · 05/10/2006 17:07

Whose house is it? Why should you uproot your children? Tomorrow morning, when he goes to work, get a locksmith, change the locks and let him seek another roof for his head.

Or am I being naive? I have never had to leave a violent relationship.

ggglimpopo · 05/10/2006 17:11

Message withdrawn

gscrym · 05/10/2006 17:17

I did kick-boxing for 5 years about 10 years ago. No matter how asvanced you were, I never once got the crap kicked out of me. All the instructors were the image of self control. I never saw anyone bullied. I have recently went back to martial arts (taekwando) and the same thing applies. In kickboxing, if there was anyone who exhibited bullying behaviour, they were asked to leave.
This man is going against the conditions of his license. He's intimidating and bullying you to do something you hate. He's abusing you and it'll escalate. He can now use the excuse that you're practising for anything. He could attack you and say 'I was testing your reflexes'. If you feel you are frightened, you know what you have to do. Also, report him to the association his club's a member of. They don't take kindly to this kind of thing.
I wish you all the best and I hope whatever you do works out for you. You have support here.

gscrym · 05/10/2006 17:20

I didn't mean that to sound all about his hobby. You need to do what's right for you and your children. The important thing is you're frightened, your children are frightened if they're seeing what he's doing.

Tawny75 · 05/10/2006 17:21

Cresta,

Take it from someone who has been in a similar situation.

I know you don't want to leave him, you probably think you don't have the courage, but you do, believe me you do.

This man is scaring you and your beloved children. For their safety and your own you must get out.

I have told my story on here before, but I will tell it again if it will bolster you to get away from this man

shimmy21 · 05/10/2006 17:21

Cresta good old MN doing the 'leavehim'chorus once again.

Although I agree that nobody should ever stay in a violent relationship I know that it's never as simple as picking up your things and walking out the door. You've said you don't want to leave so perhaps we should work from there.

I assume he sees his kickboxing as friendly sparring (although obviously you don't). he is definitely an insensitive bully to force you to defend yourself and go to classes when you don't want to.

So first step sit him down during a nice quiet time, look him in the eyes and explain calmly that you will never do kickboxing practice or classes again.
You do not have to explain or justify your actions (and trying to explain will only get you into an argument that he will try to manipulate). If he asks why or gets angry or sorry for himself just keep repeating calmly 'I am not going to do kickboxing any more.'

If he physically tries to force you when you have clearly and assertively shown him that you wont join in then he is physically abusing you and I suggest you follow the very good advice on this thread.