Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hobby turning to violent obsession

92 replies

cresta · 05/10/2006 16:10

I have been married for just over a year, I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I love my husband and he treats me and the kids great, we have holidays, have a nice house and mostly everything is good. In the evenings my husband teaches kickboxing to adults and teaches kids at the weekend. A few (about 8) months ago I expressed a curiosity about taking it up, he had been teaching my kids bits and pieces and I wanted to lose weight and thought it would be a good way to start, he was delighted and kept going on about it asking when I was going to start etc. I kept putting it off for various reasons as I do with most things like this but he got more and more angry with me over it and it became his 'mission' to get me to a class. I eventually agreed to go one evening and whilst I enjoyed the class I told him that I probably wouldnt make a habit of going as I found it too tiring and didn't really 'fit in' with the rest of them (nobody talked to me!). He was furious and we had a massive row over it, he wouldnt just let it go and I became angry and confused as to why it really mattered if I went or not, it was HIS hobby, not mine.
I reluctantly agreed to go a few more times to keep the peace and he became obsessive over it, went nuts if I tried to get out of going and started to insist on me going 3/4 nights a week, I was exhausted but he laid the guilt trip on telling me I was showing the kids how to just give up on things. We have had row after row about it, on a couple of occasions he has physically dragged me to the front door and threatened me to get into the car and stop being lazy. I am starting to feel depressed about it, I hate it and spend all day every day trying to think of excuses as to why I can't go, it is made worse by the fact that he forces me to go through routines with him at home too, when the kids are in bed he decides we have to 'practice', this gives him an excuse to hit and kick me before going nuts because I'm not defending myself properly, the kids have walked in on this before and were terrified when they saw him backing me into a corner hitting me in the head and face screaming at me to 'use my defenses'. He never hits me full force so it's not as if he's beating me up but he does hurt. I'm so sick of the whole thing I feel like walking out, he says I'm disrespecting his passion but I don't mean to, I just want it to go back to the way it was where he does it himself and I don't have any part in it, before all this started he was fantastic, now he's aggressive and moody all the time.

I don't know how to handle this anymore, I tried going to keep him happy but he pushed it by bringing the training home too, nothing I do makes him happy.

Sorry for the name change.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 05/10/2006 17:25

cresta!

You are an adult not one of his dc, how can he tell you which hobbies you must have and force you to continue with it against your will? Even that is wrong. He has serious problems.

It all sounds like a mask to enable him to kid himself into thinking hitting you is alright. You say he does not use his full force but then what would be the fun in that? He'd knock you unconscious with a blow to the head first time round, wouldn't he?

I don't see how you can turn this around now whilst living under the same roof as him. What happens when he decides to use more of his force? When this isn't enough for him? How about if he decides the dc need to follow your example?

I know it's very hard but I think you need to get out if you have any hope of turning this relationship around or permanently getting away from this whole scary scenario

vitomum · 05/10/2006 17:34

abusers always have a justification for their abuse. Getting their partner to beleive their 'reasons' is essential for them to retain control. I am so at your thread title cos it shows how much you have already bought into his reasons for being violent to you. He sounds very dangerous. please don't keep making excuses for him.

ggglimpopo · 05/10/2006 17:35

Message withdrawn

hulababy · 05/10/2006 17:40

Cresta. You need to get out of this abusive relationship.

The bit that worries me, on top of violence to you, is that he is teaching the children bits? How long before he decides they aren't defednding themselves properly?

Mercy · 05/10/2006 17:46

shimmy, posters like myself (and I think I can include cod and Martianbishop & others) do not join in the regular mn chorus of 'leave him'. I don not say these things lightly.

Cresta's situation extremely serious imo.

Blandmum · 05/10/2006 17:51

Agree, this isn't a case of 'My dh isn't perfect in every way, should I leave him' This is a case of a women being beaten by her husband.

And that shouldn't be condoned or 'coped' with. She needs to leave before she is seriously hurt.

She also needs to leave before any of her children learn that it is OK to beat your partner

batters · 05/10/2006 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foulmoonfiend · 05/10/2006 17:55

I don't give advice on here lightly on issues like this. But can I give you this link?

You have already established that many women on here do not think this sounds 'normal' and I am worried this is going to get worse, quickly. The number on this link is free, 24-hours and confidential. Please tell them what you have told us and see what they say.

here

Marina · 05/10/2006 17:56

Cresta, you say you changed names. Are there any Mners you are in touch with off-board you can confide in, and get some practical help? Any family you can turn to?
I rarely post on these threads either as have no experience of the issues, but there has been a lot of recent press coverage about the damage steroid use does to the brain. It makes physically strong people angry and irrational.
Please promise us all you will try to confide in someone and get professional help. Your situation is very worrying.

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/10/2006 17:56

agree have never posted on this type of thread before and never told anyone the leave their partner on MN or in RL. But this situation alarms me.

Munz · 05/10/2006 17:58

hula - that was my worry - what happens when your children decide they no longer want to participate in DH's 'hobby', or they learn the way to teach their mum is with complete disrespect and that it's OK to bully a woman cos u're teaching her how to defend herself.

honestly - like MB and Mercury I don't say it lightly - if u can work things out then please do - if there's any hope then focus on it - but tbh I wouldn't give this man the time of day or even the spit if he was on fire - yes that's horrid and hard but he is nothing more that a viloent bully using his 'hobby' as an excuse. you MUST sort things out if only for your childrens sake.

lulunaticmama · 05/10/2006 18:02

'he never hits me with full force'

he is hitting you though - that's the point

a weak nasty bully.

agree with poster who said to change the locks etc...your kids don;t need more upheaval..is there a family member who can come and stay and help you...

Piffle · 05/10/2006 18:07

assaulting and bulllying you is not a hobby

If you want to sort the relationship out he needs to change.
You may need to leave (or get him to) to get him to do that.

throckenholt · 05/10/2006 18:12

doesn't it worry you that he may get out of control with the kids he teaches - and frighten them too ?

He is forcing you to do something you clearly are not enjoying - he is dominating and frightening.

Whether you respect him or not is not the issue - he clearly is not respecting you.

I guess the only way you can work through this is for him to acknowledge he has a problem - and make strenuous efforts to deal with it. He is going to have to work very hard to regain your trust.

comebacksummer · 05/10/2006 18:22

This is terrible.. and I am sorry but I too think it will escalate.. somewhere deep in his brain he thinks you aren't 'trying' to defend yourself, so he will push it and push it to 'make' you.. unfortunately this might result in you being unable to do just that. Also, I don't know what ages your kids are, but suppose you let this continue.. once he bores of "practising" on you he might start trying to do it to them. Get him to go to counselling if you can't leave, but you must do something.. a violent nature feeds on itself

comebacksummer · 05/10/2006 18:22

This is terrible.. and I am sorry but I too think it will escalate.. somewhere deep in his brain he thinks you aren't 'trying' to defend yourself, so he will push it and push it to 'make' you.. unfortunately this might result in you being unable to do just that. Also, I don't know what ages your kids are, but suppose you let this continue.. once he bores of "practising" on you he might start trying to do it to them. Get him to go to counselling if you can't leave, but you must do something.. a violent nature feeds on itself

mumblechum · 05/10/2006 18:24

This is not what martial arts is all about. My dh is a blackbelt (2nd Dan) and I did karate for a couple of years. He resolutely refused to practice with me (except to watch my kata & comment) as he knew that it could end in tears. Now our son is learning at a club with a different sensei, and alto' he nags his dad to practice with him, again he won't.

What happens in the dojo ends in the dojo. It's the first rule of any martial art.

edam · 05/10/2006 18:32

Cresta, are you still there? Sorry, I imagine the chorus of 'leave him' might be hard to take given you are in a position where you are doubting yourself. Maybe it's a shock.

But the advice is given because we care about you and want you and your children to be safe. Please think about calling Refuge or Women's Aid.

I gather, from speaking to people who support women who are being beaten, that telling people what to do can in some way be an extension of the bulllying - you are being ordered around by your partner and now here are a load of other people ordering you around (me included). But we are trying to offer the advice you sought. We want you to be safe. Refuge and Women's Aid are much more skilled at supporting people who are dealing with domestic violence than we are and might be able to help you think about your options without coming across so strongly. Please think about giving them a call.

Murphee · 05/10/2006 18:35

Cresta, can you hear how frightened we are for you? If you can't see it for yourself right now, then leave him for your children's sake - you won't regret it. When you are out of the situation you will see more clearly how awful this really is.

wartywarthog · 05/10/2006 18:52

this is very serious. he's using his hobby as an excuse to be violent. and he is violent - that you say he doesn't hit you as hard as he could makes no difference. your children are witnessing this and it's not good.

how are you doing now? you haven't posted for a bit.

Mercy · 05/10/2006 18:55

edam, that's a very fair point re being ordered about

Cresta

mummyscaryhouseonthehill · 05/10/2006 18:56

Cresta- My DH is a martial arts instructor and would never force me or the children to go to a class he ran. He does not practice with me or the children at home unless we request him to and then he keeps it to drills and kata no sparring as he knows how dangerous this could be to our relationships if something went wrong.

This does sound a lot like roid rage or a way of dressing up domestic violence so that you think that you have nothing to complain about.

Abusers use verbal/mental and physical abuse and it sounds like you are experiencing all three.

Hun you need an escape route for you and the kids before he stops pulling those punches so that they aren't full force and starts all out beating you up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2006 19:02

He has in the past been violent towards other people and now this same violence has now turned towards you. He will end up killing you if you stay; don't think that possibility may not happen.

Please call Womens Aid. You need their help and support.

Howwwwwlidaymum · 05/10/2006 19:04

Children of abusers are likely to grow up to be abusers themselves. If you can't do this for yourself you must do it to stop your children becoming like your dp as adults.

mummyscaryhouseonthehill · 05/10/2006 19:19

I make the decision to train or not to train and there is no pressure on me either way. DH understands that I am not as keen on his hobby. I prefer Archery which he isn't keen on but would never stop me from doing it and I would never force him to come along with me.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE phone womens aid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread