Calling all NRP mums

[SpaceOpera]

We are on the brink of a split-up and he's been the SAHD for 4 years. He will get our two sons (2 and 6) and I will probably end up only seeing them on weekends. It's going to break my heart not to see them every day and I would be so grateful for any NRP mums out there to share their own experiences and tell me the practicalities as well as the emotional roller coaster awaiting me. Thank you.

I can't help but hugs

If you can, and want to, insist on more contact than this. My ex had been SAHP for 10 years but we agreed 50:50 arrangement and I stayed in the house initially. Do you have an option re childcare while you are working? Or could you arrange for the children to come to yours after work and your ex have them during the day? I think especially at those ages they would benefit from more contact with their mum than every other weekend.

Thank you ColdCottage .

Lovingfreedom, you are so right. Right now, we are staying in the same house, because we are in that horrible position where we don't know whether to split or not. But we absolutely respect each other as parents and he has insisted he will let me see the kids whenever I want. I believe him because he adores the kids, as I do. He has said that I am 'businesslike' and 'official' with him and the love is dead, but I think those are good things to be if I am dealing with a co-parent.

The sketchy plan is to buy two houses near each other, within walking distance, and for the kids to pop in and out. I want to carry on the routine of doing bedtime every day. It does break my heart that I won't be there in the night when they call for me, if they are ill, if they are puking up....

OP you must get professional advice. All of these kind of decisions should be made with the children's best interests in mind, and you and your husband might need impartial advice on this.

Part of me is worried that you're conceding so much because you feel guilty (and he feels angry) that you have decided to end the relationship. That's not the basis for these decisions.

Is he the children's main carer at the moment?

Yes OP, there is no reason why they shouldn't live with you 50% of the time and you also pop round to see them in what is not your 50% (and the same mutual arrangement for your husband obviously). They need you (and of course you need them). My h and I are in a loveless marriage which should be dissolved but I am terrified of not seeing the dc (8, 10 and almost 13) half the time and of my eldest possibly choosing to live with his Dad so I really sympathise and wish you all the best .

Hi Vivacia, We have friends who have just gone through a horrible divorce and wasted a lot of money on lawyers, and others who have co-operated with each other and get on fairly well. At any stage, he wants to avoid bringing any third parties in. I think we need a counsellor rather than a lawyer! Someone who can guide us through the emotional aspects as well as the practical aspects. I too think we should get professional advice, but from a mediator. I want to be prepared for the twists and turns in our co-parenting journey. I appreciate that the goodwill may not last, especially when a stepmother-figure arrives in the children's lives.

Oh textingdisaster, my heart goes out to you (and I am mourning for myself too). From what you are saying, I was wrong in thinking that maybe when the children are older (physically if not emotionally) it becomes easier. But it seems not.

I'm not a NRP mother - my DP is a RP father - but I don't think the arrangement you outline in the OP is viable. Popping in and out of each other's homes is not going to work long term for anyone, least of all the DC. Why don't you have a 50:50 shared parenting arrangement?

Vivacia, you are so right. I will make a list of all the things I have contributed to our asset base. I was just going to say that I feel so so guilty (he is very good at telling me all the things that are wrong with me). I am not the one who wants to end it, although during our rows I do threaten to leave, and he hates that. I hate his explosive temper and his outbursts and lack of patience. But I do see all the good things we have too. We haven't treated each other nicely.

At any stage, he wants to avoid bringing any third parties in.

I respect this, and would feel the same, but what I've learned on here is that people change their minds, especially regarding money and new partners, as you say. Secondly, your children will be the main beneficiaries from you and their dad getting professional advice. Some kind of experienced mediation sounds an excellent place to start.

Is he their main carer at the moment? Does he do the bulk of their laundry and meals? Does he generally do breakfast and bedtimes?

When I separated from ex he was SAHD and I was working full-time. However he left and came to the house first thing in the morning to look after the children while I rushed off to work. He did the school run later until I got back. If you are amicable that can work out fine.

I think it's unusual for the mum to move out, even in your situation, and I don't think you should.

Anyway, away from my relationship woes to the practicalities. Bonsoir, you have got me thinking of another point. When a new woman appears on the scene, I don't necessarily want to be living next door. But I do want to be available to the boys at all times I'm not at work. 50:50 is going to be difficult because I leave home for work at 630 am and come back at 6 pm. But then if I love short walk away, I can do bedtime. Sounds like they will have to sleep at his on school nights and I can have them on starting fri night and returning Sunday night. I do see that this should all be written down and agreed.

If your STBXH gets a new GF she won't want you coming round to do bedtime. She won't want you crossing the threshold. Do you commute?

You seem very accepting of the idea that you will become the nrp. Is that what you want? If it isn't it doesn't have to be the case at all. Can you look at reducing your hours or changing jobs? I'd be fighting tooth and nail to keep my dc with me and at the very least having 50/50 contact as a starting point even if I had to live on bread and butter!

I say that as a woman who raised her dd as a single mum working full time for many years.

Vivacia, Yes he is the main carer, he does all the school runs, meals, activities outside school, laundry, play dates.

Blow, Hmm I don't think he will be agree to come round to mine at 630 am!

It doesn't seem fair that he'd have to have you in his home every evening. That'd be very intrusive I feel.

I think you need to move away from the idea of living in each other's pockets. Divorce doesn't work that way - and I say that as someone who has spent 10 years living down the road from my DP's exW in order to facilitate my DSSs's lives. We nevertheless drew very firm boundaries around our homes/schedules as life is otherwise impossible.

I am a little worried that you are going to try this without lawyers. I do think at least one of you needs one - preferably both. It's not the presence of a solicitor that turns things adversarial, it's the way the clients use them. (Well, there are a few who seem unable to resist trying to turn things into a fight, but if you accidentally engage one of those you don't need to stick with them!) But on the other hand, if it does turn nasty it helps to have a strong representative as a buffer. At least get a good dose of legal advice before you wade in. In a partnership with children, and especially if there are assets such as a house, you can't afford to get it wrong.

As for my own experience, XH was the SAHP (sort of) but we carved out 50-50 initially, with him minding DS4 (the only one who was officially a child) when I was at work. The house was sold and the proceeds split neatly in two after debts. (He originally wanted full residence in the family home whilst I continued to pay for everything, but I think his solicitor managed to get through to him that that wasn't a realistic expectation.) It didn't work out longer term because without either me or the older DC at home he couldn't really cope with running a household with a child, so I ended up with full residence. They do still have regular contact though.

Bonsoir, what you say about the new GF sends shivers down my spine, but I do have to respect their space.

Fairylea....sigh! The reason we have this SAHD situation is because I love my work and commute an hour each way to it, I didn't want to give it up and it's a fair whack of money. I don't like doing any of the household stuff and he is excellent at running a highly organised house. So far the situation has worked beautifully.

I can't have everything can I.
Children with me and a full time job that I love with a commute.

Can you move much closer to your work?

Thanks Annie. I think you guys have convinced me to go down the legal route in a non-adversarial way.

I think you need to look long term at what will be viable for everyone to move forward.

Hi Bonsoir, yes I can move closer to work. But then I will be 40 mins drive away from the kids and won't see them except at weekends. If they are ill or anything like that, I won't be able to just pop over quickly. Additionally, shouldn't I be arranging the new future around what fulfils the children's needs, rather than mine? But I love my job and the money and satisfaction it brings too.