Calling all NRP mums

[SpaceOpera]

We are on the brink of a split-up and he's been the SAHD for 4 years. He will get our two sons (2 and 6) and I will probably end up only seeing them on weekends. It's going to break my heart not to see them every day and I would be so grateful for any NRP mums out there to share their own experiences and tell me the practicalities as well as the emotional roller coaster awaiting me. Thank you.

50 /50 with live in au pair in your house ?

This thread is really useful . It's hard when you are the Sahp as you are financially so vulnerable but it's also really really hard when you are the wohp as naturally you envision a life without the kids . Keep us posted op and please don't let him bully you

How is your stbx going to support himself following the split?

It's pretty unusual for divorced people to not have to work.

He may have been a sahd up til now but if he is going to have to work in future then you may as well establish a pattern which will be needed anyway at some point - that could easily be 50/50 as long as you stay living reasonably close.

Thanks paris, cestlavie and diagonally. It looks like we will have to buy two places with 2-3 beds each and give up our 4-bed. He is not happy to be financially dependent on me (as I would not be in his place) and he can definitely get a job. However, however. Isn't it the case that divorcing parents should arrange things to keep things as solid as possible for the kids? If I get them living with me with a non-parent doing wraparound care, surely that would be worse than having their own father do all the care? Currently he does all their care during weekdays, apart from bedtimes, which I do. Weekends, I am with them all the time while he shops, gardens, cooks, does DIY. Of course we do family things as well like go for country walks. Weekdays he does breakfast, school run, laundry, entertain the little one, gardening in accordance with the season's demands, any DIY, lunch, pickup from school, after school activities, dinner. He has a close relationship with his parents and they see the little one a lot. He also has an exercise morning and a golf morning, when we have his mum or a babysitter. I don't want to have to give all that up to a third party. Especially as SAHD came about because he wanted one parent raising the kids (our agreement before marriage) which I broke by going back to work (much of my identity is defined by work).

So I think laziness is not his problem. He was unhappy in his well-paid job and happily gave it up to look after kids. I will suggest 50:50 because that might be the only sustainable way - he wants to start his own business / go into business with a mate. He is currently struggling with what he wants to do jobwise. I am highly supportive of this since work fulfils me and everyone needs some work that they value (at home, office, whatever). I have periods of 'downtime' between contracts when I can have the kids (often I only have work for 8 months of the year all told). I have decided I will have to stay as close as possible to the older one's school. We are limping on, nursing out wounds in the same house and focusing our love on the children. We have agreed to be cautious and see where we are in the New Year, we don't want to make any rushed decisions and there's a lot to consider.

Interesting post. Your life as a family sounds very defined by split logistics. Might that not be the root cause of your marriage problems?

That is one cause, we don't really have anything we do in common and which sustains us. We both love walking and we did that for a while, but I have become consumed by work and he by childcare. But aren't these the most difficult years? Where the money has to be brought in and the children are physically extremely demanding. Anyway, we would both say that we have been absent from the marriage when it mattered to the other person.

Bonsoir, you said your friend was expected to move out, leave her kids, despite paying for everything. Isn't this entirely normal in divorce, but just much more common for the men to be doing the moving out and the paying?

MorrisZapp - I have never, ever heard of a man being expected to move out of the family home against his will and to continue to fund a SAHM, DC and nanny!

SpaceOpera - it sounds from your posts as if your marriage is organised on the lines of division of labour rather than the sharing of lives IYSWIM. Why, for example, does your H do chores and gardening at the weekend while you do childcare? IMO that never works - families need to hang out together and relax all at once at the weekend.

space

you mention work alot. alot. I completely get that in challenging times and relationship breakpown work can be a solace, and feed an otherwise battered self esteem. But I advise you to equally focus on the kids, and be seen to just in case it turns into a nasrty battle (tres feasible!)- just be wary.

also if it did turn 50:50, would you be open to exploring less hours- less days so you could see kids? Would you work allow that? worth exploring? You might be able to live with rediuced weekend time if you managed more mornings and sachool runs

part of the reason I am sticking with my (not always enjoyable) job is cos I know that if the shit hits the fan I can demand more flex hours

sympathies- I will be following you (I mean that in a nice not stalker way)

Thanks folks. Starting counselling by myself next week and feeling calmer. If we split, I want to be able to do it with the least amount of bitterness and hurt within myself, and be able to think very clearly for the sake of the kids. Many anxious moments and tears, but it's all a journey.

H and I had a long chat last night. He listed all the reasons why he couldn't trust me (no third parties have been involved, ever, for either of us) due to my threatening to walk out whenever he loses his temper and has a go at me (more and more frequent over the years). I asked why we didn't start the process to separate and he said, he is stuck. He can't see a way forward or out. I said he can take as long as he likes to make a decision either way, I will stay put under the same roof and attempt with all my might to build a civil relationship whatever happens. We decided that if he finally decides no, we won't let the kids be looked after by third parties. It's either him or me. We discussed a lot about access, he said he would want some weekends as well, which is fair. One solution is I will take the kids to mine at 615 pm and do most of bedtime,bringing them back for 8 pm. Then we'll share weekends, playing it by ear. (No hard and fast agreements at this point obv.) Periods when I'm not working, I'll have them with me for 3 to 4 nights in the week. One couple we know of did this very successfully. We have agreed that we need to stick to the area to both look for work. It was heartening to hear him say that the kids only had one mother and i was an absolutely integral part of their lives.

You are putting far too much emphasis on what he wants, will allow and thinks. You can decide to end the marriage if you want to, without waiting for his big decision. You have a lot more power in this situation than you currently realise. Do you have a friend in RL you can talk to? Preferably someone who is co-parenting too.

Hi space

He listed all the reasons why he couldn't trust me (no third parties have been involved, ever, for either of us) due to my threatening to walk out whenever he loses his temper and has a go at me (more and more frequent over the years).

My h also has a temper and shouts. I too have talked about separation (quite a few times) due to this. My h has now completely withdrawn from me and once told me how difficult he found the threats of separation .

Why don't bad tempered people like this realise that their anger is at the root of a lot of their relationship issues and try to address that instead?

I have tried to set some boundaries where my h is concerned and the result is he hardly speaks to me at all. (That and the fact that he uses the silent treatment as a means of control).

Anyway sorry, I am talking about me too much! The part about your h not trusting you because you tried to defend yourself against his anger really struck a chord.

That first was meant to be a .

Lovingfreedom, I agree with you that I can end the marriage whenever I want, and thank you for speaking your mind. But I don't want to end it. I am starting counselling next week to figure out how to take charge of my own life and discover if I DO want to end it, but simply not being brave enough. If he wants to end it, I will respect that. But I have to give him time to think it through (like I would want time to think it through in his place). My current contract finishes in December so we will need to mutually support each other until the New Year - God knows we'll need the money.

It's probably better for DC to have a third-party carer and two FT working parents who live together than to only have parental care and separated parents. You are putting a very high price on parental care.

texting, you made me smile in the middle of my tears. Great name, by the way!

Lots of modern marriages fall apart due to uncompromising positions on incompatible competing priorities.

But bonsoir, he thinks we are at the end of the line, so long-term, no question of living together.

As an aside, it takes a deal of courage to jump out of a bad relationship. I think I have to give him the time to make his decision. I have made mine - I want to try. But if he will be happier with someone else, no point me begging to keep him, because the issue will come up again. Better that we split now.

Why don't bad tempered people like this realise that their anger is at the root of a lot of their relationship issues and try to address that instead?|

YESSSSSSSS

my not-very-D-P is the shoutiest angriest motherfucker I have ever met. he has one one volume control, loud, one mode, angry. and he wonders why I cant sustain a partnership.

I am going to start recording him have visions of playing them in the family law court and horrifying the judge

Ah I thought you wanted to split OP. Counselling is a very good idea in this situation and i'd maintain you are in a stronger position than you fear, should you split. You could realistically aim for at least 50:50 access with your children.

If you do decide to split, what you need at this very early stage (before either of you move out or uproots the children), is to each attend a 'Separated Parents Information Programme' this can then be a very good foundation for entering into mediation should you need it. Don't engage a lawyer until you've tried this route as this is all they will encourage you to do in the first instance.

plumquilt, I will attend for sure, thank you. H won't - it's 'not his thing'. Told MIL (who I adore). She is such a vibrant person and she suddenly looked old for the first time. She tried hard to put a brave face on it. We chatted while running the kids' bath and she asked if there was anyone else. I said not for me, but I couldn't speak for H (I don't think so but recently, who knows?) she said 'please try'. I thanked her for all she had done for the kids over the years. She gave me a huge hug and said 'God Bless' before she left. I love her.